Denied Even Dreams

by Inya Dreems (inyadreems@hotmail.com)

Archive: MA, or ask me

Category: Q/O, Angst

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Obi has a dream, Qui watches and wishes

Feedback: Yes please

Many many thanks and hugs to my dear Master Cuimne, for holding my hand and cheering me on. This is my first attempt at (ahem) smut.

The talks had gone on well into the night, and as Obi-Wan had not been included in the latest negotiations, he had been left to his own devices all day. Qui-Gon knew his diligent Padawan would have spent the day catching up on his studies and meditating. His Temple tutors were giving him plenty of work to keep up with even though he was for the most part on active missions with his Master. At 18 years old, he was expected to be able to cope with this demanding schedule. And, of course, he was demonstrating his ability to do so despite the occasional quiet grumble Qui-Gon detected when he received even more tasks.

Qui-Gon entered the room where his Padawan was sleeping, quietly so as not to wake him. It was not necessary to put the light on; the moon shining through the uncovered window gave enough light to see across the room. He was about to step into the fresher when Obi-Wan gave a groan in his sleep and Qui-Gon stopped.

Obi-Wan lay face down on one of the two beds their hosts had provided, the covers tangled around his naked legs and hips, one arm above his head. The emotions of his dream drifted into Qui-Gon's mind - happiness, joy even. Qui-Gon could see Obi-Wan's face, eyes closed but eyelids twitching, mouth slightly open - his tongue slipped out for a second and licked his lips, then he gave another moan.

Qui-Gon found himself unable to tear his gaze away from Obi-Wan. This boy has grown up fast, the Master realised - the strong, disciplined body of a young man lay on the bed, dreaming.

The feelings Qui-Gon was receiving were subtly changing, becoming sexual. Obi-Wan's hips began to move, grinding himself into the mattress. The Master felt himself becoming aroused to match the boy's building passion, and knew he should not remain here, watching, but did not move. The embarrassment he felt at the thought of witnessing his Padawan's erotic dream was countered by an undeniable excitement. Fine Jedi Master, he thought, reduced to vicarious thrills from such voyeurism.

He hid his presence from his Padawan's notice, in case he should wake. He was easily able to conceal himself, even from other Masters for at least some time, certainly his Padawan would be oblivious to him when he wished it.

Sweat was now beading on Obi-Wan's back, his breathing becoming heavier, the sounds he was making were moans of pleasure, then one word, "Master". Qui-Gon felt Obi-Wan's pleasure reflecting through their shared mental bond, and moved his hand to his own erection, stroking himself through the fabric of his leggings as he watched Obi-Wan's hips pumping harder now, heard his panting and saw his fists grip the sheets. Qui-Gon found the opening to his leggings, slipped his hand inside, pumping himself roughly. The young man's whole body shuddered, and then froze. Qui-Gon was not surprised that he himself had reached climax at the same time; he felt the warm dampness at his groin. He realised that Obi-Wan was waking, felt his shame and embarrassment.

Obi-Wan reached out to the stand next to the bed for a cloth, and hastily cleaned himself then huddled down in the bedding again. Qui-Gon was about to move into the fresher, fully expecting Obi-Wan to fall back to sleep, when he saw his shoulders begin to shake, heard the first sobs. It took many minutes before he was able to regain control over his emotions, and eventually sleep did claim him. But watching the sobbing youth, listening and feeling his distress, Qui-Gon wanted so much to go to the bed and take his Padawan in his arms and kiss away the misery. So much for the lecture he knew he should be giving him now, about control, releasing emotions to the Force. He remained where he was until he was sure Obi-Wan was sound asleep again.

He told himself that the despair he was feeling now was just a reflection of Obi-Wan's, the juvenile crush he had on his Master. And that the physical aching he felt while witnessing his passion was likewise being fed from the close bond they shared.

But he knew he was lying to himself, refusing to admit those forbidden feelings that had grown between them. No, Obi-Wan's love was not one-sided; it was returned in full by the Master. But he could never reveal it, just as he knew Obi-Wan would not come to him laying bare his feelings. He was too well trained for that. They both were. There was no room in their lives for such a relationship, and no room in the Jedi Order for any who allow their own desires to come before the Code. Although Qui-Gon had been known for his not infrequent infractions, even he would not go against the Order's uncompromising stand on such relationships, and so continued to guard his feelings, as he knew Obi-Wan would. He quietly left the now sleeping Padawan and made his way to the fresher at last, steeling himself against the emotions that would overwhelm them both, destroy their commitment to the Jedi Order, destroy them both. On looking into the mirror at his reflection, he was not surprised to see the tears on his cheeks.