The Dead Jedi Sketch

by Fishgoat (master_fishgoat@yahoo.com)

With apologies to Monty Python's Flying Circus

Category: Humour/parody

Warnings: spoilers for TPM, bad taste, hinted-at slash

Rating: PG, I suppose...

Reprints: Master and Apprentice. All others ask first, please.

Disclaimer: George Lucas owns the characters. I just play with them when he's not looking. Based on "The Dead Parrot Sketch", copyright Python Productions Ltd. No copyright infringement intended. For amusement only.

Feedback: If you wish... master_fishgoat@yahoo.com

Summary: Monty Python once again meets The Phantom Menace...eek!

[Anakin Skywalker enters the Jedi Council Chamber, dragging Qui-Gon Jinn behind him, Obi-Wan following. The Council pretends not to notice. Anakin stops in front of Master Yoda.]

Ani: I have a complaint, Master Yoda.

Yoda: Leaving for lunch, we are.

Ani: Never mind that! I wish to complain about the Jedi Master you assigned to me not half an hour ago in this very council chamber.

Mace: Ah, yes, the Qui-Gon Jinn. What's wrong with him?

Ani: I'll tell you what's wrong with him. He's dead, that's what's wrong with him.

Mace: (quickly) No, no, he's meditating, look!

Ani: (annoyed) Look, I know a dead Jedi Master when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

Obi-Wan: (soothingly) No, no, Ani, he's meditating.

Ani: Meditating?!?

Yoda: Yes, remarkable Jedi, Qui-Gon is. Beautiful pectorals...

Ani: His pectorals don't enter into it! He's stone dead!

Mace: (firmly) No, no, he's just meditating.

Ani: (fed up) Alright, then! If he's meditating, I'll wake him up! [shouts in Qui-Gon's ear] HELLO, QUI-GON! I'VE GOT A NICE, OILED, FORMER PADAWAN FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP, QUI-GON JINN!!

[Obi-Wan blushes. Yoda uses the Force to nudge Qui-Gon. ]

Yoda: There! Moved he did!

Ani: (angrily) No, he didn't! You're just using the Force!

Yoda: (coldly) So certain are you?

Ani: Yes, you did! [grabs Yoda's gimmer stick, pokes Qui-Gon with it.] QUI-GON JINN! WAKE-UP, QUI-GON! [beats Qui-Gon over the head. No response. He turns to Yoda.] Now that's what I call a dead Jedi.

Yoda: No, no, stunned he is.

Ani: Look, folks, I've had just about enough of this. That Jedi is definitely deceased. And when I got him half an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to his being tired and shagged out after a long duel.

Depa Billaba: (helpfully) He's probably pining for Naboo.

Ani: Pining for Naboo?!? What kind of talk is that?!?

Depa Billaba: (wailing) But it's my only line!!!!! [Breaks into sobs. Yaddle tries to comfort her.]

Ani: (exasperated) Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him to my quarters?

Mace: Qui-Gon prefers meditating on his back. Beautiful Jedi, lovely pecs...

Ani: [ignoring Mace] I checked him over to see if he was hurt, and I discovered that the only reason he had been standing up was that Obi-Wan had been holding him up with the Force!

Ki-Adi-Mundi: Well of course Obi-wan was holding him! Otherwise he would have headed to the spaceport and VOOM!

Ani: Look, sir [picks up Qui-Gon using the Force, then drops him unceremoniously.], this Jedi wouldn't voom if a certain Sith Lord put four thousand volts through him. He's bleeding demised!

Depa: (sniffling) He's not, he's pining.

Ani: (deadly calm) He's not pining, he's passed on. This Jedi is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. This is a late Jedi. (voice rises in volume.) Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't dermasealed his lightsabre to his hand he'd be pushing up vantools! He's closed off the blast doors and become one with the Force! THIS IS AN EX-JEDI!!!

[Long pause.]

Yoda: Well, then, replace him we must.

Ani: (to himself) Finally!

[Mace studies a small computer pad.]

Mace: Sorry, Anakin, we're all out of Jedi Masters.

Ani: I see, I see, I get the picture.

Mace: We've got a Giant Space Slug.

Ani: (pause) Is it wise in the ways of the Force?

Mace: (sheepishly) Not really, no.

Ani: (snarling) Then it's hardly a replacement then, ISN'T IT?!? ["reaches" for Qui-Gon's lightsabre and activates it] At last I will reveal myself to the Jedi!!! AT LAST I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!

[Anakin slays the entire Jedi Council. He deactivates his sabre and surveys his handywork. A voice speaks in his head.]

Sidious: If you come to Chancellor Palpatine's office, he'll replace your Jedi Master for you.

Ani: (considering) Palpatine's office, huh?

Sidious: Yes.

Ani: (happily) This is so wizard! [runs out]

END