Archive: M_A under title 'Darth Sidious Had a Plan'
Rating: NC-17…I'll try to make it sexy…doubt it
will work though
Category: Humor, I hope
Warning: In Oz we shoot plot bunnies dead! along with squashing
Cane toads using garden spades. *Slash Virgin* - you have been
warned!
Spoilers: Maul mentions that chopping thing thathappened to
him.Dating the Enemy, but what are the chances of you seeing
something without Celtic nudity?
Summary: Due to Darth Sidious' evil meddling, the boys find
their bodies switched. The universe comes to eminent danger as
the guardians of justice and peace may never leave their rooms
again!
Feedback: I don't actually know what a *flame* is! Please don't
teach me.i'm just tempting fate, aren't I?
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Obi/Qui Sidous/Maul not even a
beta reader *hint* *hint*, please don't sue me! The dark side
made me do it!
"Master, must we do this naked?" Obi Wan flattered his
eyelashes and blushed to the perfect tinge of
spring-peach-delicious.
"Yes Padawan," Qui Gon answered in his utt
erly-respectable-I'm-not- doing-this-to-perv voice.
"Must we hold hands?" Obi Wan gave another weak protest.
"It is to invite the force to flow through us," Qui Gon
insisted.
"And the roses, the deluxe Sweet Kokas in a humanoid heart
shape box and the scented White Musk candles?" Obi Wan sunk his
teeth into his lower lip.
"Come," Qui Gon almost growled with annoyance. "We are getting
distracted."
//If I had not know better, the old man's coming on to me. Oh
yeah, right on top!//
//At last he's catching on…Force, its taken him so long!
Maybe it's the peroxide - but he's so *cute* with blond fluff!
//
//Mmm Qui-Gon thoughts//
//Aah Obi-Wan broadcasting//
Somewhere in a Galaxy far far away…
"Master, why are the Jedi so nauseating? I believe I have just
achieved another previously undiscovered level of
hate…it is a delicious blend of revulsion and intrigue,"
Darth Maul bowed with revere after his dark master forced him
to watch the Live Broadcast of the 52nd highest rating show on
cable - When Jedi Turn Gay.
"Good, Maul, your progress is impressive, into your third
heaving bucket already," a thin lipped smile donned Sidious'
face and made him look like a dead fish having an orgasm with
the scaling knife.
"And now…" Sidious rubbed his hands together as Maul
took the cue and dimmed the lights with a prodding of evil
force. "We shall telephone the producers and make another
suggestion for the show."
NnnnOOOOoooo! Maul screamed internally as the Obi Wan on the
screen began to yelp YyyyeeeeSSSSssss!!!
YyyyyyyyyEEEEesssssssssss!!!! Oh Master pet me! PET ME!!!
Rhythmically.
But Sidious was upon Maul in a swift malevolent movement and
even though Maul scratched and tried to pull at Sidious'
immaculate hair under his hood he found his nose pinched.
Defeated, Maul picked up the phone and made a call as audience
member - Brenda.
"Yes, I love your show," Maul hated how his voice was so easily
mistaken for a Lesbian/Bi/unsure Slash writer once it was
nasal. "But I was just thinking that there is not enough
*angst* in it…"
The Master and the evil Apprentice both shuddered instinctively
at the word.
"I mean, sure Qui Gon is a god and Obi-Wan deserves his *love*,
but I'm not sure they understand each other
enough…perhaps we should put them into each others'
shoes for once…then the *life bond* will seem much more
natural," Inwardly, Maul's dark soul was scrunched up in its
fetal position and sobbing with pain as he uttered the three
words in between the * *.
"Brilliant!!!" The M_A web-master on the other end exclaimed.
"Do you want to join the web ring???"
//Only when I'm cut clean across the waist and I get so tired
of sucking myself that I need to see two Jedi fuck//
//Ooohhh, Fear is such an attractive vice in you, my dark
apprentice//
//fuck off Master Overlord of All Things Destructive and
Indigestible//
//I love it when you call me names// Sidious giggled like a
Qui-Gon on aphrodisiac nectar.
Back in the M_A archive, plot bunnies have over populated their
species to an ecologically unsustainable state.
"I wish you can understand how much I need this," a perfect
tear adorned Obi Wan's similarly perfect cheek.
"But I have misused you (Keelywolf style, the best angst
posture)," Qui Gon's stomach was in an agony of sorrow,
adoration and self-hate.
How he wished to touch that supple cheek, clasp the flirting
braid and tickle that dimpled chin.
"Well, you never will now!" Obi-Wan cried out in grief and
slammed his bedroom door.
Collapsing onto his bed, his body quivered with longing for his
master.
//You old bastard! You `force and leave' dickhead! If it wasn't
because you have the most amazing body and the libido of a
fifteen year old…//
//…If you didn't look like a fifteen year old with
steroid stunted growth… // Qui Gon thought bitterly as
he chowed down on spice. //And if only you weren't so flipping
agile, flexible and good at giving head…//
The force hummed about them, it shivered and got excited at the
prospect of what it was about to do…then…did it.
"Master.." Obi-Wan muttered affectionately in his sleep. "You
feel so hot…"
He found his own voice mesmerizing and droning…and his
hand landed on a HUGE erection.
//Mmm I'm getting more impressive with age// Obi-Wan smiled.
But wait, why was there a little light-saber shaped stud in his
penis? That was his happy Sixtieth birthday present to Qui-Gon.
Instinctively Obi-Wan reached up to tug at his Padawan braid to
play with and help him think, of course he finds a luxuriant
amount of gray hair in its stead.
Qui-Gon turned in his bed and was startled awake when there was
no pins&needles, obvious stings of arthritis in his right
hand and his Lady Leek pads were dry. Come to think of it, when
he bolted straight off the bed his head did not hit the ceiling
and knock him out - which was why he usually put his hair up
partially to disguise the bump that marked his stupidity. He
stretched and felt languidly sensual all of a sudden, with a
thudding heart Qui-Gon turned the lights on and there he was -
stunningly smooth fleshed and wearing Obi-Wan's sheepish smile.
A loud groan came from his Padawan's quarters. Without another
second of hesitation, Qui-Gon licked his palm - no his
Padawan's delicious little paw - and ran those hands over his
new body. Across the paper thin wall, he could hear Obi-Wan
spanking his body and banging his erection into the wall to
test its strength. Although Qui-Gon couldn't help but flinch at
the loud thumps, he knew in the other room his body was rock
hard and it couldn't feel much pain at all. This was why he
always needed touch, then head, then a full top. Now Obi-Wan
will understand his urge to root the furniture and even
furniture-like Jedi Masters like Mace.
In the mean while, Qui Gon was getting a good grasp of how his
Padawan's body worked, whilst the penis was fully functional,
the anus seemed to have a memory of its own about a certain
well endowed Jedi Master, and it went flaccid with joy at any
touch. Qui-Gon looked down at his Padawan's thighs and
genitals, even from this angle they were still so adorable. The
sweet little smiley mouth the tip of the penis made when he
squeezed pre-come out of it, the little Os the anus sighed and
the soft pudgy bits of the lower abdomen that Obi-Wan usually
hid by tensing his muscles at all times during sex. Qui Gon
didn't need the rippling six packs, he loved this pigeon
chested, soft little body that pulverized under his touch.
Obi-Wan threw back his head and huffed, oh this will take a
while. In fact listening to his master playing with his new
body it sounded like they would never re-emerge from their
respective havens.
//Oh yeah, now my body is truly a play ground.//
And the show ended there.
"What!" Maul howled with rage. "The story is exactly the same
as the summary!!! I went through all that for no plot
developments? No believable characterization? No effort!!!"
"Welcome to fanfic, baby," Sidious gave a green teethed grin.
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