Darkness Ascending

by Kim Malinowski (kymalien@hotmail.com)

Archive: Yes Please do- anywhere and everywhere- just give me the credit-

Categories: Qui/Obi, ANGST, BDSM, Kink

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Depression, speaks of suicide and "cutting," sex, bdsm relationship- dom Qui... Spoilers: N/A

Summary: Obi is in the throws of depression and he finds a savior in pain and Qui-Gon

Feedback: Sure- just e-mail me. or respond- Be kind- this is my first time posting and I just joined. : )

I sat there staring at my hands in the Jedi gardens. They were supposed to make one "feel at peace" at least that's what they told the tourists. It also seemed in the tourist guide that I wasn't supposed to have these emotions. Fear, doubt, sadness, but I had them. Hot tears trickled down my face as knights and masters and Jedi went about business as normal. They didn't have these fears, these anxieties- for all it mattered to me they could have been worlds away.

I'm a Jedi- I don't feel pain. I don't feel anger or passion or jealousy and I most definitely DO NOT feel suicidal. But still, I was in the gardens contemplating my death. It would have been so easy... Master Qui-Gon would be rid of an apprentice he never wanted and I- I would be rid of forbidden desires and painful illusions. And I would never have to face Master Qui-Gon Jinn, I would not dishonor him- I would not taint him.

So I sat there holding my rock- THE rock he gave me years ago for my thirteenth birthday, cradling it thinking of suicide, and blood, and the need for pain. I felt like I had done something terrible- some unimaginable wrong- but it was all in my head- I knew that. I knew I was depressed- that was a given- I was suicidal- great diagnosis mind healer Kenobi. But it felt so bad. The pain was tangible- I could bare any type of physical pain- but it was my mental anguish that undid me.

I've never claimed that I was a perfect Jedi- but I wanted to be- and so I kept to myself. No one knew my fears. No one knew my thoughts- maybe I should have told SOMEONE- but I never did know who. Qui-Gon was approachable- quite affectionate really- it was me who drew away from his touch time and time again- it was me who pushed him away.

I was so alone- and the sad part was that I had done it to myself. I wanted to take away my pain- just leave it behind me. It was an accident the first time I cut myself when I felt this way- it was. But it released my anguish- I no longer felt the need to die- so it stayed my hand. The next time I did it again and the release was blissful. I had this terrible secret- Obi-Wan Kenobi was a cutter- couldn't let the press get that one. I couldn't shame my Master. He caught me once- I lied about the still bleeding cut- it was the first time I had actually really lied to him. And kept it that way.

So alone- I know I will die alone- I can foresee it. I see my Master's death too- and already I can feel the hopelessness of my situation. I can foresee things but I can't change them- I don't know how or when these terrible images will come to pass- but I know at some point they might.

"Always in motion is the future" right- so why do I feel as if time stands still and that there is a war raging within me? I can almost taste my agony, my "angst" but it's real- oh so real. Sometimes when I'm like this I can almost imagine myself on a cliff- the rain pelting me as I peer over the edge- wondering if I should drop into the sea- so close- then I hurt myself and I'm pulled away from the cliff by the pain. It keeps me alive- it convinces me that I'm real. Then the light comes back and I'm fine- happy my usual perky self- and I can convince myself that I'm better. It tricks me every time- just when I think I'm over it- Bam! I'm hit with this intense agony that no one can see.

I'm so alone... I was so alone- I am so alone. So I sat there, crying my heart out- hoping I could simply just NOT be. Then he came- no not Qui-Gon. He came later. He was the solution. Yoda had the answer.

I didn't notice him at first. He just sat there sharing my pain. Then I looked at him and those green eyes of his seemed to know all of the answers. He didn't exactly offer me comfort- not physically- but Yoda had a way with words that if you just got past his syntax could touch your heart.

"So sad are you? Why?"

I could have lied- said it was just the last mission I was on. But for some reason those eyes transfixed me and held me afloat in the raging sea- Master Yoda was my savior- my Master and my Master's Master. In one fell swoop this came to me and I confessed all. I told him about all of my pain and even the pain I inflicted on myself. Yoda doesn't judge- not like the other Jedi- and He cared about me. It seems funny now- a council member caring about me- a Padawan... Already the times were changing and the Jedi were diminishing- we could not have known it then- but now- now it all falls into place in the "grand scheme" – everything except my role in history.

Yoda had nodded at all the right places and he had taken my hand to offer his solace. I even smiled a little bit afterwards- I knew that my burden was gone. I wasn't alone anymore.

"Kept this inside so long have you... realized you not that others feel the same? Jedi, Humans, Wookies... We have all felt these emotions- we are beings- we feel, we cry, we hurt. Jedi speak not of this- for that I am sorry. Sorry I am also that you felt it wrong to feel- Feeling is what makes us alive. If we cannot sense pain how can we understand joy, hmmm?" Yoda poked me at that point. "Tell your Jedi Master you did not, Qui-Gon would not condemn you- humph- no he would not!"

"You don't know him- he would give me this look- of Pity and disappointment and- I don't want him to look at me like he does the people that are hurt on those missions and..."

"Pity it is not- compassion it is. Know Qui-Gon Jinn well do I – MY padawan he was. He will help you- Yes- but first- you must ask."

"But what do I ask? Master do you love me? Like like Love me- not like you would a student but like another man? No- I don't think so- I can see where that would go. He would get this look of pity and flattery and he would tell me 'Padawan- I am sorry that you feel this way- because I can never return your feelings.' That would kill me Master Yoda- if I'm not already dead." At that point I was in tears again- so unlike me. Emotions stay inside- where they can affect only me.

Master Yoda got a tender smile and he moved closer. He can be quite the gossip- very mischievous for a little "green dude" that was one of the most respected council members- ever. "Hmmm- problem you have. Know the answer I do- Yes I do" he sing-songed. "Everyone knows Qui-Gon's feelings for you- surprised I am that you know not. Had him in my quarters I did- and asked him how he felt for you- yes- hehe- I did!" Ok so Yoda grilled my Master- he was quite pleased with himself- you would think he were a child telling his favorite toy that he was getting a treat... it wouldn't effect me. "In love with you he is"- Ok- I admit my heart leapt at that- despite my vow that it wouldn't affect me.

I got this teary smile... very watery- very sappy- too cute for words so I'm told- and asked the most common question ever- "Really?" Ok so then I grilled Yoda. Dates, times, my Master's favorite scent- colors- I knew some of them but not the most personal- top or bottom- does he like... And Yoda told me- the little guy held nothing back- he was my FRIEND at that point the go between that little girls have to ask if their crush liked them- the sad thing was- it worked.

My hopes soared and all of a sudden I was ecstatic- then I found myself not with Yoda- but facing Master Qui-Gon Jinn himself- in our quarters. My floating crashed to a halt- reality set in- what was I doing?

"Padawan- I was beginning to worry" Qui-Gon smiled- curious but not wanting to pry.

"I was in the garden Master- trying to deal with my emotions."

"Oh?"- Detached curiosity- what feelings Obi-Wan? Why had I not seen it before?

"Yes Master- can we- can we talk?"

"Of course- is there anything the matter?"

Qui-Gon pulled up a chair and I sat on the meditation mat staring at my hands. "I don't know quite where to begin-"

"Perhaps at the beginning?" Qui-Gon smiled at me- I almost started drooling.

"Right- the beginning- uhm that's so complicated. I guess- I guess it began with me falling in love with you." I winced waiting for the ax to drop but I looked up and Qui-Gon was looking at me like- like not what I expected. It wasn't shock- not pity- not happiness- I guess it was concern.

"Why- why would these feelings burden you?"

"Because I thought what I wanted was unattainable- unrequited love gets quite angsty."

"Yes- quite."

"Well- then after those feelings there were so many more- fear, doubt, anger, everything bad- and I HURT."

I showed him with our bond what I had done- what I had felt. And by the time my thoughts had concluded I was trapped in the warm embrace of Qui-Gon Jinn. He held me close as if he could take away all of the pain- and I guess he could.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"What part Master?"

"Any of it...all of it." He whispered sadly. I suppose he thought he should have somehow known- made me tell him everything- take me to the healers- work it out.

"I couldn't."

"What gave you the courage tonight- what changed?"

"I wasn't alone anymore." At his questioning gaze I clarified- "Yoda."

"What did he say?"

"Something about everyone knowing you loved me. Your secret confessions...."

"That little troll!"

"You didn't want me to know?"

"No- oh no my dearest Obi-Wan- never that. I wanted to tell you myself. To... I don't know. Perhaps I was just as afraid. There were times I just wanted to shove you against a wall..."

"Kinky Master..."

"You're the one that craves pain."

Then it dawned on me- HOLY SITH- Yoda had just maneuvered me into a VERY Interesting situation. Oh Force- I knew I had just gotten a top- a top and well a MASTER. Oh man- part of me recoiled- part of me was kinda like- yeah leather.

I flushed- "yeah..."

"You do realize that whenever you need pain or love or a hug- I will be there? I am there."

If he had only know that he wouldn't always be there...

"Yes Master of course I do."

Then my Master got a twinkle in his eye- " So what do You think would be a just punishment for hiding all of this from me and worrying me to death?"

"Punishment?" I gasped I was going to be punished for telling him I... OH! It hit me- a scene. Yeah- a scene- new concept for me- old results.

Qui-Gon got this little look of well- I'm not sure- of possession. He pushed me up and without effort he had me against the wall- "I've been wanting to do this for a long time."

Pain- I was expecting a slap or something. But we shared in the minutes that followed the sweetest kiss. Tender, loving- I knew I was owned- and I knew by who. Then just when I was getting comfortable with the prospect of a slow gentle lovemaking. I felt a sting across my buttocks. It hurt- but in a good way. I backed back into the wall and was ordered to get undressed.

I was the ever-obedient Padawan- of course I stripped. I was being thrown through different emotions so fast- fear, anger, aggression, fear- but Master was there... He showed me the way through each.

Before I knew it I was partway on the bed and my backside was quite exposed. Master Qui-Gon had spanked me many times- but not like this- NEVER like this. It was a sweet agony. A lash of his belt across my rear followed by his tongue- the pain giving way to love- just like my emotions. He was in control- I knew it- he knew it- and we were both loving it.

A hand cracked across my naked flesh- hitting my lower thighs- I cried out- and was rewarded with the belt across my shoulders. Then Master leaned over and kissed me- tracing the welt with his hand- oh so delicately.

He smiled this evil sort of smile- "Padawan mine" He said- "If it pain you need- I will give it to you."

I was scared- I was. I was completely out of control. Out of control with my emotions- of my body... And then he put me over his knee- like I said a VERY common position in my mischievous years-ok so STILL a pretty familiar position but the rules had changed. I wasn't a naughty Padawan being disciplined for disobedience- but I was being DICIPLINED- the whole bondage thing- before I knew it my wrists and ankles were tied- I felt gift wrapped- like my Master was about to open up a present. Then his hand came down cracking fiercely. It burned all the way to my core- then he did it again- and again and again. Until I was sobbing out my pain, all of the turmoil I had faced in the last year. My rear end had to have been blistered- had to have been- but Master stopped right when I thought I would die. And he held me- cradling me. Then I was placed still tied on the bed. I heard him moving around- then I felt his breath on my rear end.

Nothing was more erotic- let me tell you- despite the pain and the infrared censors my butt had to be setting off. He licked me- erotically- Oh so erotically. It's a silly word- but that was what it was. He wasn't slobbery like I would have thought. His tongue traced the fire in my butt and I thought I was being driven insane. Each lick- each twirl of his tongue, each ministration. Then I was caught off guard- He touched a place only healers had and my Master had when I was sick- a very private and delicate place. And suddenly I was being rimmed- by Master Qui-Gon Jinn.

I was in shock. I swear- but the pleasure was sensational. The wet heat massaging my most intimate place. His tongue would slip in and caress me, then tease me else where- I cried out "Master!" And then was promptly gagged and a blindfold placed. So my Master was into the whole bondage scene- yeah now- that's a scary thought- but then- I didn't even realize why he would have all of the stuff- it was all make shift- but damn convenient.

A familiar sting entered my back. But not so familiar. There were strange noises- only later did I learn of the "toys" used on me. A whip lashed me across my back occasionally hitting my already sore posterior. Then my legs were spread- very scary- very exciting... Then the lash hit me right in between my cheeks and I tried to scream out in agony. Then the familiar strikes across my back, a lash across my butt, then absolute agony. It became a rhythm of pain and trust; it became a language between us.

Something entered me, small and cylindrical- and when I realized what it was I blushed profusely. A rectal thermometer- there is nothing more embarrassing than having your Master take your temperature THERE- but this time it was different. He talked to me different. It wasn't a 'it's almost over with' speech- it was a "feel this- know this is what I can do- I have absolute power- I am dominate- I am in control" sort of lecture. He twirled the thermometer in such pleasurable ways- a delightful torturous device. I cried out when it was removed- then something larger gently entered me- then it was turned on and strapped in. A vibrator- not large but- oh large enough. I bucked trying to get it out- trying to get it further in.

Qui-Gon held me down and kissed my ear- his mouth trailing down my neck- his hands massaging me- calming me. Then he rolled me over. He kissed into the hollow of my neck and started to stroke me- Yes- THAT part of me. He licked my nipples- I wasn't a virgin- but OH- WAS I A VIRGIN! He kissed and teased and drove me to madness. Then he bit down while licking my nipple- I cried out- but the pain was dissolved into pleasure with his mouth- then he treated the other. He slowly learned every inch of me. Exploring, hitting, giving me such absolute pleasure. Eventually he stopped straddling me- needing release. I found myself opened up to him, he slipped the vibrator out- and I knew it was time.

He prepared me gently then entered me. By the Force- nothing was ever this good... His beard tickled me as he kissed my lips- Our pace steadily increasing- then I was almost there- so close to orgasm and then he took off the blindfold and I could see him- I could see us- and I came- it sounds so trite. But I was bonded he joined me in that moment of intense pleasure and we became part of the other. We were- together- for what I hoped was forever. He held me that night- kissing away the pain. The marks left by the bonds were gently rubbed away- the ache, the pain vanished by morning and I was left with love and contentment.

Now- now I am alone again- adrift on the endless sea- but soon my Qui-Gon will come for me. I await destiny- Luke Skywalker is almost grown- soon- soon.