Comfort

by Penumbren

Title: Comfort
Author: Penumbren (penumbren@juno.com)
Archive: Yes to Master & Apprentice, as well as my website, found at http://www.geocities.com/mausbeqt/
Category: Obi/other implied, h/c, first time, pre-slash, chan, angst
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: This is not a rape story
Spoilers: None!
Summary: Obi-Wan regrets the choice that he made.
Feedback: Please!
Notes: ** indicates telepathy
Author's Notes: Obi-Wan is around fifteen in this story. Nothing explicit is described, although sex is alluded to. This story is a companion piece of sorts to "Hang on to Yourself".

I entered the darkened room slowly, my hands mechanically stripping away the light outer robe I wore, letting it fall unheeded to the ground as I moved toward the bed. I paused when I reached it, staring unseeing at the bedcovers as my memories of the events earlier that evening played out again, even as I tried to stop them--and then I collapsed onto those pristine blankets, curling around the pillow, the tears coming now, as I had refused to allow them before.

Why did I ever let him convince me... I should've known better... I should've known! My agonized thoughts echoed in my mind, accusatory and bitter, their pain almost masking the aches in my body. I finally moved to sit up, trying to find a comfortable position, when a movement in the Force told me that someone else was entering the room. I froze for a moment, until a wave of comfort and concern told me who it was.

"Master..." My voice was little more than a hoarse croak after the bout of tears, but it was enough to let Qui-Gon know that his presence was not unwanted. I could see now, even in the darkness, the shadowy outline of my master as he moved toward the bed. And then the bed dipped at one end, and my master was there, silent, but holding his arms out to me. One blink, and then I was in his embrace, sobbing again, this time letting the memories play out freely as he calmed my fears and soothed me.

Some time later, when I stopped shaking and my death-grip on him had loosened, as I lay there, my head in the crook of his neck, he spoke.

"Are you injured, Padawan?" I shivered a little, his low voice rumbling through me. I hesitated, not wanting to admit to my pain, but not able to lie to my master. I raised my head a little, so that I could see him.

"No..." My voice trembled a bit, and I paused again. I ache, but this feeling... this feeling is so much worse...

"Not injured in the body, but perhaps injured a bit in the heart?" Qui-Gon asked softly. I nodded, biting my lip as I responded.

"He didn't hurt me, Master... at least, he tried not to." I felt compelled to add the last as he frowned, plainly aware of the aches that I couldn't seem to stop. "But... it wasn't... I thought it was supposed to be grand, and enjoyable, and... but he hurt me." The last came out nearly in a whisper, as I looked down again, remembering biting back moans of pain as fingers entered me too roughly, followed by more, much more, too much and too soon... It's not supposed to hurt!

Qui-Gon's embrace tightened briefly, even as he sent a wave of comfort and affection to me, and I flushed, realizing belatedly that I had broadcast the memory.

I said softly, "I thought I loved him."

I love you, Master.

I looked up at him again, and said plaintively, "I thought he loved me."

I wish you loved me.

Then I burrowed back against Qui-Gon, not ready to say more, but not ready to leave the comfort of his arms.

I wish you would hold me like this every night.

After a moment, the feeling that had been nagging me since I left my friend's my lover's quarters finally escaped, however, and I leaned back again, a hint of desperation in my voice, as I asked, "Master... am I unlovable?"

Do you love me?

Qui-Gon started, and I could see the unconcealed surprise in his eyes.

"Obi-Wan, you are not unlovable." His voice was firm and startlingly loud after the quiet. I opened my mouth to voice the bitter thoughts in my head, only to be stopped as Qui-Gon covered my lips with his hand. I stared into Qui-Gon's eyes as he spoke, seeing his regret and sorrow and.... something else.

I love you so much!

"My Padawan... Obi-Wan. I love you. Always remember that." Qui-Gon brushed a gentle hand over my face, and my heart lurched a little at the touch, and the words, and something inside me suddenly wrenched.

I wish you loved me... like you love Tyrill. Sometimes I hate her! Now... I wish I heard more in your voice.

**Obi-Wan, you deserved far better than this for your first time. You deserved romance, and wooing, and hours of loveplay. You should have had candles, and dancing, and soft music... and you should never have had to feel this way.**

I stared at him, almost in shock at the uncharacteristically romantic words. A sudden image of Qui-Gon and me dancing together in a candlelit room almost made me laugh.

You'll never dance with me. Not while you have her.

Qui-Gon did smile.

"Yes, Obi-Wan. Something like that. Not with me, of course... you need someone your own age, someone young enough to keep up with you--not an old man who barely appreciates you," he said, his lips twitching into a grin. I smiled back, although the words were almost like a hammer blow to my already-bruised heart.

You love me... but you'll never be in love with me... and you could never want me.

The thought pained me almost more than my body's aches did, but I couldn't name the reason why. I forced the feelings down, into the back of my mind, thinking fiercely, I'll deal with this later. Now... all I want to do is stay here, in my Master's arms--as if he really did love me.

I shifted a little, finding a comfortable spot to rest my head, and we stayed like that for some unknown time, Qui-Gon's arms around me, centered in our own little circle of comfort. I was nearly asleep when Qui-Gon finally moved to release me.

"M... master?" I stammered sleepily. Qui-Gon gently moved me onto the bed, and stood, stretching. Don't leave me now!

"Unlike you, Padawan, my old bones need the comfort of my own bed." I blinked, my tired mind thinking only, You're not old!

Qui-Gon smiled then, and asked gently, "Obi-Wan... would you like to sleep with me tonight?" It took a moment to realize what he was saying, and then I sat up, suddenly feeling almost shy.

"Yes, Master. That... I would like that," I said all in a rush, suddenly embarrassed again by his smile. I wish... I reached out to take his hand, and stood, following him into his room.

I stood, speechless, as I watched Qui-Gon strip down to his undergarments and climb into bed, my experiences that night making me suddenly aware that he was a very handsome man. By the Force, he's so beautiful. I wish that I could touch him... I was brought back to reality by Qui-Gon's amused voice.

"Padawan, are you going to join me, or are you just going to stand in the middle of the room all night?"

"Oh! Sorry, Master..." I apologized, thinking, It would be easy to stay here and watch you all night, and I stripped away my clothes as quickly I could, ignoring his smile as I climbed into the bed with a sigh. I lay there, on my side, almost afraid to breathe from fear that this moment was just a dream, until Qui-Gon turned over and pulled me near, once more wrapping his arms around me, as he had done when I was still a child.

I relaxed, aware, at some point, of Qui-Gon's voice murmuring words that I couldn't quite hear, followed by a soft kiss to my forehead.

**Good night, Obi-Wan. Sleep, my Padawan...**

**Yes, Master...**

...fin