Master Apprentice
Archive
The Code According to Jinn
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Archive: MA, QJEB. Any others please ask.
Category: angst, first time, hurt/comfort
Rating: R
Pairing: Q/O
Feedback: Appreciated.
Thanks: To the beta readers who helped with various comments and encouragement (Bonny, ObiKi). All mistakes are definitely my own since I can't resist tweaking.
Summary: Obi-Wan learns to understand the Jedi Code through his master's eyes.
Warnings: If you don't like male-male relationships you are in the wrong place. The Event That Didn't Happen does happen in this story.
Spoilers: None.
Notes: Background information on the Jedi Code and the writings of Master Odan-Urr are from the unofficial encyclopedia at TheForce.net.
Disclaimer: The boys belong to George Lucas, I'm just playing with them. No profit is intended or made.
// // speech over a bond
The Jedi Code was established from the writings of Jedi Master Odan-Urr some 4,000 years before the Battle of Yavin. Odan-Urr was a reptilian Jedi Master, descended from a race of fierce predators.
"There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no chaos; there is harmony.
There is no death; there is the Force."
The Jedi master stood silently in the shadows at the back of the observation deck. On the training floor below a group of young padawans was practicing several of the aerial obstacle exercises.
Each of the apprentices ran through the exercises several times with varying degrees of success. One gawky youth, however, was clearly having difficulty with several of the movements. Even from the height of the observation deck, the master could see the mocking expressions of the boy's peers and hear their jeering taunts through the transparent windows. The training master's rebuke silenced the worst of the hurtful words, but the pain and humiliation seeping over their training bond indicated to the master that the damage was already done.
After another thirty minutes the class was finally dismissed. Sighing heavily, Qui-Gon turned to leave, but the click of a stealthily closed door caught his attention. The sight of the determined young apprentice heading toward the aerial obstacles caused him to frown, then run down the back stairs. Qui-Gon pushed open the main door, then paused to locate his apprentice.
Catching sight of the boy as he launched himself from a metal beam, Qui-Gon started into the room. He moved quietly, trying to avoid startling the awkward boy into yet another ungainly miss. His fears proved justified, for next moment a resounding thud and crack echoed through the large room.
"Padawan!" Qui-Gon hurried over to the still figure and knelt down. He quickly examined the body and limbs, his expression turning grim when the left ankle turned in his hand and bones grated harshly.
Obi-Wan shook his head groggily. He tried to sit up, then yelped with pain as his ankle moved.
"Hold still, Padawan. It appears that your ankle is broken. I need to see if anything else is injured."
"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan groaned, holding a tentative hand to the side of his head.
Qui-Gon efficiently finished his examination. "How is your head, Padawan? You fell quite hard, but I don't sense anything broken and it's not bleeding. Any headache or double vision?"
"It's just sore, Master. Otherwise it seems fine." Obi-Wan hesitated, licked his lips. "I guess it's another trip to the Healers?"
"Indeed, Padawan." Qui-Gon sat back on his heels and frowned. "You know very well that no one is allowed to conduct aerial training without a spotter. What were you doing in here by yourself?"
"I'm sorry, Master." Obi-Wan looked away. "I was having so much trouble... I needed the extra practice to learn to do the exercises properly."
"Is that the only reason?" Qui-Gon demanded sternly.
Obi-Wan's face flushed as he squirmed a bit. "I... I guess I wanted to show the others I really can do the exercises so they wouldn't laugh at me next time." He glanced up, desperate unhappiness and a hint of tears in the grey eyes. "I want to be a good Jedi," a hitch in his voice threatened his tenuous composure, "I want so much for you to be proud of me, Master. I thought if I worked harder..."
"Obi-Wan." The firm voice halted the threatened outpouring of emotion. "This is not a contest where you have to best everyone else to win my approval. No one can be proficient at everything they try the first time they attempt it. These physical exercises are difficult for you at the moment because you are going through a growth spurt and your center of balance is fluctuating. I understand this, Padawan. I ask only that you work hard and do the best that you are capable of." He placed a hand on the shame-faced apprentice's shoulder. "It is important that you understand this also."
"Yes, Master."
"Now, let's see about your ankle."
There was a gasp, then inadvertent tears of pain as Qui-Gon bound the ankle to prevent further damage.
"I'm sorry, Master," Obi-Wan muttered as he wiped his face with a sleeve.
Qui-Gon paused, looked at his apprentice quizzically. "And what are you sorry for this time, Padawan?"
"I know the Code says we are not supposed to have emotion, Master, but it hurts a lot and I couldn't help crying," Obi-Wan murmured dejectedly. "I'm sorry to keep disappointing you."
"Is that what the Code says?"
"Well, yes." Obi-Wan blinked. He looked up at his master, shaking his head. "Doesn't it?"
"I can see we need to have a serious discussion about the Code and the difference between not having emotions and learning to control your emotions appropriately." Qui-Gon reached down, put his arms under his padawan's knees and shoulders, then rose smoothly to his feet.
"Master!" Obi-Wan squawked indignantly. "You're not going to carry me through the halls, are you?"
"Would you rather crawl, Padawan?" Qui-Gon asked, raising one eyebrow quizzically.
"But... but everyone will see," protested the mortified young man.
"Obviously there are some other teachings of the good Master Odan-Urr we need to discuss," Qui-Gon said dryly. "Do you remember that he said: 'To be brave in battle proves nothing. A Jedi should be prepared to put aside fear, regret, and uncertainty and either fight, run, surrender, or die.'"
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes, but discreetly muttered, "Yes, Master."
"A Jedi must learn to recognize a situation and react appropriately. Just as you must learn to understand your emotions and how to react appropriately. There is a time to fight and a time to surrender, just as there is a time to be calm and a time to cry." Qui-Gon strode down the hallway.
"I don't understand, Master," Obi-Wan said as he swiveled his head around, hoping desperately that none of his friends would see him being carried like a crechling.
Qui-Gon glanced fondly down at the young man squirming uncomfortably in his arms. "You are in pain and there is little advantage to be gained by remaining stoic. Also, you obviously are in no position to prevent me from carrying you to the Healers, so it is time to surrender gracefully and let me take care of you. Does that help?"
"Uh, not really, Master."
"Don't worry, Padawan." Qui-Gon looked forward, a tiny smile curling the corners of his lips. "We will have many opportunities to continue this discussion."
Obi-Wan groaned and buried his head against his master's shoulder. "Yes, Master," he mumbled, surrendering quite ungracefully into the heavy fabric.
The persistent chiming at the outer door pulled the reluctant padawan from sleep. He emerged from his room just in time to see his master opening the door.
"Nor'tod! I didn't know you were back on Coruscant. Are things well with you?"
"I'm sorry to disturb you, Qui-Gon, but I couldn't stay in that waiting room any longer. I needed to talk to someone who would understand, and I "
"Slow down, Nor'tod." Qui-Gon gently steered the frantic master toward the couch. The tall amphibian was clearly agitated, his long side gills riffling wildly.
Obi-Wan watched in surprise from his bedroom doorway. He remembered their visitor from the classes that the master had taught to the initiates on Jedi philosophy and the Code. The master had been renowned for his phlegmatic calm, and hundreds of credits had been lost over unsuccessful attempts to disrupt that demeanor.
"Please, sit down, Nor'tod." Qui-Gon gestured to his apprentice. "You remember my padawan?"
"Hmm? Oh yes, Kenobi." The distracted master waved vaguely.
"Padawan, please prepare some tea for Master Terred."
"Yes, Master."
Obi-Wan hurried into the small kitchen, one ear still tuned to the conversation in the common room.
"Now calm down, Nor'tod." Qui-Gon sat down on the couch and patted his friend's hand soothingly. "Tell me what is going on."
The master took several deep shuddering breaths before speaking again. "You remember Lomeera?"
"Of course." Qui-Gon smiled fondly. "You two quite set the Temple abuzz when you bonded and then moved to the Outer Rim."
Obi-Wan carefully poured tea into mugs and added a plate of biscuits to his tray. He remembered the astonishment that had swept through the Temple when the small vivacious knight bonded to the dour master. It had been almost as surprising when the master gave up everything to follow his new mate to the galactic hinterland so she could continue her own work. Obi-Wan carried the tray out and set it down on the end table.
"Thank you, Padawan," Qui-Gon said.
Master Terred nodded and smiled gratefully as he picked up his mug. "I suppose it did seem rather unusual to most people." His eyes closed briefly. "Anyway, Lomeera has wanted a child for years," he continued. "I would do anything for her, so we kept trying. She had several miscarriages, but she is finally carrying a baby to term."
The amphibian jumped up and began pacing restlessly. "The pregnancy has been difficult. We got permission to return to the Temple to get better medical support, but during the trip I was afraid we weren't going to make it back in time. She went into labor the day after we arrived and she's been in labor for almost two days. I've been hovering around the Healer's Ward, pacing and getting in the way, so the healers finally sent me away to get some rest." Terred stopped to face his friend. His yellow eyes gleamed brightly. "Qui-Gon, I can't rest. The baby is so big and it's taking so long. I know she wants the child, but I'll never forgive myself if anything happens to her. I'm so much larger than she is, I should have known the baby would be too big. There must have been something I could have done differently, something I should have done "
Qui-Gon stood up and embraced the trembling master. "Nor'Tod, stop this, you're babbling again. Whatever happens, you did what you thought was best at the time. You are one of the strongest Jedi I know, you must trust in the Force. Let me help you meditate."
"I don't think I can. I haven't been able to center myself for days, Qui-Gon. I've been too worried about Lomeera."
"I'll help you, my friend. Come, let's sit down." As Qui-Gon guided the other master back to the couch, he looked over his shoulder at his apprentice. "Padawan, go back to bed. You have classes in the morning and need your sleep."
"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan obediently returned to his bed, but the quiet murmur of voices from the common room stayed with him into his dreams.
When Obi-Wan woke the next morning he found that both masters were in the common room, deep in meditation. He quietly fixed his own breakfast and left for his classes. When he returned from latemeal there was a note from his master on his bed inviting the apprentice to join the two masters in the Healer's Hall if he wished.
Obi-Wan glanced surreptitiously at Master Terred as he entered the waiting room. The master had regained his famous equanimity for the most part, although there was still an occasional tell-tale ripple in the pale gills along the side of his thick neck.
"Good evening, Master." Obi-Wan turned to the other master. "I hope things are going well, Master Terred."
"Thank you, Obi-Wan." The master blinked. "The baby is evidently simply too large to come out on its own safely, so the Healers had to start surgery a little while ago. We should know something very soon, but they seemed quite hopeful."
An apprentice healer entered the room. "Master Terred?"
"Yes, I'm Master Terred."
"Please come this way, sir. Healer G'rnew would like to see you."
All three Jedi stood up. Obi-Wan noticed a brief ripple in Terred's gills and his eyes were brighter than normal as he glanced around.
"Come with me, will you?"
"Of course we will." Qui-Gon smiled reassuringly.
Master Terred stopped before the door to the patient room for a long moment. Obi-Wan heard whispered snatches of the Code as he and Qui-Gon waited behind him. Finally the master drew a deep breath and pushed the door open.
"Lomeera?"
The healers gathered around the bed stepped back. Monitors beeped and chirped in the background. The master healer smiled and gestured for the visitors to come forward.
"Lomeera?"
The small knight in the bed held a covered bundle in her arms. Her pebbled skin was dull with fatigue, but the green eyes were bright as she looked up.
"Nor, come in. You must see our new daughter."
Terred stood beside the bed and hesitantly opened the bundle. A tiny fist reached out to grab a finger.
"Oh my," he whispered. "She's... she's beautiful." He blinked, looked up. "And so are you, my love."
"I think we should name her Serena." A mischievous smile twinkled on the slender face.
The philosopher looked down blankly. "Serena?"
"It's so very appropriate, don't you think? You know, from passion comes serenity."
"But that's not what the Code " A flush of orange ruffled across the damp gills. "Oh. Oh, dear." The gills flashed deep red. A few tiny tears slipped from the bright yellow eyes.
Qui-Gon and his apprentice slipped out of the room, leaving the happy couple alone.
"Master?"
"Yes, Padawan?"
"I remember Master Terred as being very much in control of his emotions," Obi-Wan said thoughtfully as they walked down the hallway. "He taught most of the classes on the Code for years and it was impossible to crack that veneer, but he has been pretty emotional these last few days. Does being in love make it harder to be a proper Jedi, harder to follow the Code?"
"Well, Master Terred had quite an advantage in those contests, Padawan. Even as an initiate he was remarkably even tempered," Qui-Gon said. He gave a short laugh. "Nor'tod was also well aware of the bets being placed behind his back, and took very seriously his responsibility to serve as an example of how he believed the Code should be lived."
"No wonder so many credits changed hands due to him." Obi-Wan shook his head ruefully, then persisted. "But that was definitely not a serene Jedi master that I saw today."
Qui-Gon glanced at his apprentice. "It is a valid question, Padawan." They walked together in silence for a few minutes before the master continued. "Actually, there are many strong emotions or experiences which can make it difficult for a Jedi to understand and remain true to the Code. Do you remember the first time you had to kill another being, Padawan?"
"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan frowned, a touch of bile still crept up his throat whenever he had to think about that. "Even though it was clearly self-defense, it took a long time before I could reconcile killing with the Code." He sighed. "Killing is something I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with."
"If you enjoyed killing, I would be very worried about you, my Padawan." Qui-Gon put a comforting hand on his apprentice's shoulder and squeezed briefly. "Love can be one of the most difficult emotions to deal with. Love can be a powerful force for good. It can bring people together to do good things, which is what we try to do as Jedi. For an individual, though, love can be difficult to distinguish from lust or infatuation, and it can be a destructive emotion if you cannot make that distinction."
Obi-Wan looked at his master speculatively. Qui- Gon's voice had grown soft and distant and he lagged behind as his pace slowed.
"Master?"
An almost imperceptible shudder went through Qui-Gon. He took a deep breath and blew it out sharply before continuing briskly. "As I was saying, love can be very powerful and very difficult to deal with. Passion is not easily overcome, and is not always the same thing as love." He looked at his apprentice. "I believe I have mentioned on several occasions that it is often necessary to spend a great deal of time in meditation to understand your own feelings and to understand if the way you are dealing with those feelings is truly in consonance with the will of the Force."
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan replied dryly. "You have certainly mentioned that more than a few times."
A half-smile lit Qui-Gon's face. "Yes, well, Master Terred and I had discussed his bonding before he left the Temple. He believed that the path to serenity in his case was through knowledge, knowledge of the Code, knowledge of himself and understanding of his new emotions."
Obi-Wan let a smile sneak across his face as his master's tone unconsciously slipped into what the apprentice thought of as 'lecture mode'.
"The Code does not forbid happiness, but our duties as Jedi do require that we recognize when it is necessary to hold our emotions in check and when it is acceptable to indulge our feelings. It was his knowledge of the needs of Jedi that led to Nor'Tod's decision to give up his position here at the Temple, a position he had spent years perfecting, because he believed that Lomeera's work was more important to the Jedi at the time. After Lomeera became pregnant, however, they were excused from their duties and for the last few months there has been nothing more important to either of them than their baby."
Obi-Wan was silent for several steps before he finally nodded. "So there is a time for serenity and a time for passion. And times when it is acceptable to laugh or to cry, whether it be for sadness or joy."
"Very good, Padawan." Qui-Gon's smile widened. "We'll make a Jedi philosopher of you yet."
Obi-Wan's exaggerated shudder and look of horror drew a laugh from his master, and the two Jedi continued down the hall in companionable silence.
Smoke. Black, gray or white, the sharp tang fromthe ubiquitous haze was forever entwined in his mind with his memories of that place. Master and apprentice had been on Kuveer for five long months trying to mediate a truce in a bloody civil war that had been raging for several years. It seemed that wherever they went there was smoke smoke from burning buildings, smoke from burning forests, smoke from the old-fashioned powder-based munitions, even smoke from the many volcanoes that punctuated the landscape. The smoke seemed to linger on his clothes, on his skin and in his nose.
The months of patient negotiations had finally paid off. There had been times when Obi-Wan had thought it would be impossible, so far apart were the sharp-tongued and sour-tempered combatants. Qui-Gon had persisted, however, insisting that peace was possible. Day by long day, meeting by drawn out meeting, shuttling back and forth, Qui-Gon had overcome every argument, almost dragging them by sheer strength of will to a resolution.
"Aaah, that feels good." Obi-Wan sighed with pleasure as he pulled off his boots and flopped back onto the thin mattress. "It seems like weeks since we've been able to get a full night's sleep." He leaned up on one elbow and glanced around their spartan quarters. "I won't be missing this place when we leave." He wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Even in here I can still smell the smoke from the shelling and burnt-out buildings."
"Sleep well tonight, Padawan." Qui-Gon headed into the small fresher to take a shower. "Our transport leaves at dawn for the main refugee camp."
"Both sides have already agreed to the peace treaty," Obi-Wan protested. "What are we going to do at the camp?"
"It will take a few days for the formal paperwork to be prepared for the signing ceremony, Padawan." Qui-Gon paused in the doorway to the fresher. "There is still help we can offer, and we will have an additional opportunity to gather more information for our report on how much and what type of aid to recommend."
"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan knew better than to argue, but he was concerned about his master's well-being. Although not obvious to outsiders, the apprentice could see the deep lines of weariness in his master's face and was all too aware of how little sleep the man had been getting. He sighed and went to prepare Qui-Gon's small field pack; at least he could take care of as many small tasks as possible to try to relieve his master's burdens.
Obi-Wan had found that refugee camps were pretty much the same all over the galaxy. This one was bigger than most and the ever-present smoke hung overhead, but otherwise it wasn't much different; dirt, blood, temporary dwellings, adults with missing limbs, thin children. Hunger and fear were rampant. Haunted eyes followed them wherever they went and they were endlessly asked variations on the question 'have you seen my... child, parents, husband or wife'.
The two Jedi set to work immediately. They eased pain where they could, catalogued problems for the galactic aid groups, helped in the infirmary and in the primitive patient wards. They worked through the day and long into the night without heed for their own comfort.
After a sketchy breakfast the next morning they returned to work. Their first stop of the second day was one of the places Obi-Wan hated to visit. As they entered the burn ward, the stench of burnt flesh and cloth, open wounds and antiseptics hit him full in the face. He felt his stomach churning and knew he was turning pale as the blood rushed from his face. The apprentice was fighting hard to keep his composure and his breakfast when he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder.
// Be strong, Padawan. //
// I feel sick, Master. // Obi-Wan glanced back and wondered once again how the man could maintain such a serene expression in a place like this.
// These people need our strength, Padawan. It is during times like this that understanding and following the Code will help you to cope. //
// I will try, Master. // Obi-Wan felt the hand on his shoulder tighten, fingers digging painfully into the soft flesh. The apprentice straightened under the pressure.
// You will do, not try, Padawan. // The mental tone was stern, even as the bearded face nodded reassuringly to the patients near them. // You must set aside your own feelings. Rely on the Force. Trust in the Code. You are a Jedi. You can do this. //
// Yes, Master. // Obi-Wan closed his eyes for a moment as he concentrated on taking only shallow breaths. He took control of his emotions and his physical discomfort, pushing them away into a separate part of his mind.
Obi-Wan opened his eyes. Before him stretched rows of people in pain. His duty was clear and he must find the will to carry on. He turned his head, nodded briefly to his master. He felt the pressure on his shoulder turn to a friendly pat as a wave of warm approval coursed over their bond. Thus fortified, the apprentice set to work.
It was almost four more days before word came to the camp that the peace treaty was ready to be signed and the Jedi were requested to return to the city the next day for the ceremony. Qui-Gon acknowledged the messenger, made sure their transport would be available early the next morning and continued working. Obi-Wan had long since passed into numb exhaustion and blindly followed wherever his master led.
Two moons overhead cast a pale light over the camp. A chill was in the air, and in the darkness Obi-Wan could hear moans of pain and soft crying.
"One more task, Padawan. Then we can rest."
Obi-Wan looked at his master, eyes blank for a long moment. "Yes, Master." He blinked a few times, arms hanging loosely at his sides.
"You have done well, Padawan." Qui-Gon smiled through his own exhaustion, let his hand rest on Obi-Wan's shoulder. "Come. We're almost finished here."
Qui-Gon led the way to a bedraggled tent at the edge of the camp. He pushed aside the flap and ducked to enter.
The pall of death hung heavy in the air. A few lanterns cast a dim light on the stacks of bodies inside.
The care-worn attendant looked at the two filthy, bloody Jedi dubiously. With his lone arm he gestured vaguely into the darkness in response to the master's question.
"Well, yeah, those orphans are down at the end near the other door. You wanta bury some, go ahead. They got nothin' and nobody cares about them."
Qui-Gon slowly paced through the long rows. Near the very end he stopped for a few moments and studied the bodies there. He knelt beside two babies, twins based on their appearance and name tags, and tenderly cleaned off as much of the dirt and muck as he could. After carefully wrapping them in a heavy cloth, he carried them outside to the edge of the makeshift cemetery. Obi-Wan trailed behind carrying a shovel and marker stone.
Qui-Gon set the bodies down in a grassy spot. Setting his lightsaber to its lowest level, he carefully inscribed a verse onto the small marker stone. He studied the finished marker for a moment, then set it into the ground. Qui-Gon stood and turned to his apprentice. "Padawan, please dig a grave for them. I shall return in a few minutes."
The master was gone into the darkness before Obi-Wan could reply. Stifling a tired grumble, he began digging.
Qui-Gon returned with a small bundle as the apprentice was finishing the small grave. Obi-Wan climbed out and stood leaning against the shovel. The master set the shapeless bundle down, then carefully placed the tiny bodies into the grave.
For many minutes Qui-Gon knelt silently by the edge of the grave, his head bowed as he softly whispered a slow prayer. Obi-Wan shifted impatiently as his stomach rumbled.
"My apologies, Padawan. I know you are tired," Qui- Gon said. "I thank you for your assistance. You may leave if you wish."
"I don't mind staying, Master." He gestured at the grave. "This is obviously important to you. I just don't understand why we are burying these two in particular when there are many thousands that have already died on this planet, and many hundreds more who will die from their wounds or from the upcoming winter."
"Let us finish, Padawan. Then I will try to explain."
"Yes, Master."
Together the two Jedi began filling in the grave, Obi-Wan with his shovel and Qui-Gon with his hands. Qui-Gon continued his chant. Obi-Wan didn't recognize the language, but the tone was sad and mournful.
When the grave was almost filled in Qui-Gon unwrapped his bundle to reveal a small bush, a local plant noted for its hardiness and the white blossoms it displayed every spring. He carefully placed the bush into the hole and began filling dirt in around it.
"I place this offering here as a remembrance gift. In this place there has been much death, and much suffering. Sorrow shall walk this land for many years to come. Tonight I bury the least of the dead, those who have no one else to care for them. I shall remember you, and pray that your suffering and death was not in vain. I shall remember, and work harder in the future to prevent others from suffering your fate. I shall remember, and I leave this token of hope. May it live and flourish, and help remind others of the pain that has gone before them, In hopes that such sacrifice will not be needed again."
Qui-Gon closed his eyes and bowed his head. "May the Force be with you."
There was silence for a long moment. Finally Qui-Gon opened his eyes and leaned back on his heels. He looked up and asked, "Do you understand why I do this, Padawan?"
Obi-Wan shook his head. "Not entirely, Master."
"Our work here has been difficult, Padawan. As you have seen, there has been much death and pain here, but we could not let those things affect us while we labored to bring peace. There were too many that relied on us to be strong and to not let our emotions distract us from the true will of the Force."
"I understand that part, Master," Obi-Wan replied. "Just as in the burn ward I could not let my feelings stop me from being able to help the patients there."
"Yes, Padawan." Qui-Gon gestured to his apprentice to kneel next to him. "There is a time for control, to help others because that is our duty. As the Code teaches us, knowledge will help you gain peace and serenity; will help you to harness your skills to bring peace from chaos. But Master Odan-Urr also said, 'Do not come to rely on the Force to the detriment of your other senses and abilities.' Do you know what he meant, Padawan?"
"That we are also beings with feelings, not machines to blindly follow the Force?" hazarded the young man.
"Very good, Padawan. Do not discard your passion and emotions. They are part of you, part of your strength if you learn to use them wisely. You must never lose sight of who and what you are. Tonight, I use this ceremony to help me remember that I am human and why I am a Jedi. Tonight is a time to remember, to think on what we have done for these people, and to mourn for those we could not help." Qui-Gon paused, glanced at the small grave. He reached up to put a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder, then continued gently. "It is also a time to cry for what we could not do, for the pain that will continue. We cry to discharge those emotions so that we may be stronger tomorrow."
Qui-Gon embraced his apprentice, pulling him close and holding the young man for a long moment before releasing him and turning back to the grave.
"Tonight is a time to cry, but to also bring new life and hope," Qui-Gon said, his voice low and tight. He leaned forward, digging his hands into the soft earth around the bush. "Cry with me, my Padawan, if you wish, and leave some small part of yourself to help heal both others and yourself."
As the pale moons moved overhead in their stately course, the two Jedi silently left tears of life to water their gift of hope.
"There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no chaos; there is harmony.
There is no death; there is the Force."
From the collected wisdom of Master Odan-Urr: "Every Jedi should spent time meditating each day on the will of the Force. The reason for this is simple: If one has unwittingly acted contrary to the will of the Force, recognizing the mistake soon after may still give one time to make amends."
The newly minted senior padawan pushed through the bushes, impartially cursing both the thorny wild growth in this oldest part of the Temple gardens and the elusive Jedi master who had taken refuge there. Pausing to suck a bloody finger, he wiped away sweat with his other hand.
"Damned idiot," he muttered. "You'd think he'd know better by now."
Resolutely the young man pressed on until he emerged into a small grassy clearing. Ancient trees provided cool shade and several small flowering bushes haphazardly lined one edge.
"Ha! There you are!" Obi-Wan cried triumphantly.
The kneeling figure raised its head.
"I was meditating, Padawan," Qui-Gon replied mildly.
"Banthashit. You've been hiding all day since the ceremony. You promised that we could talk after I made Senior Padawan and you're not putting it off any longer."
Qui-Gon sighed, then slowly rose to his feet.
"Very well. Have your say."
"I have done everything you asked since you refused me five years ago," Obi-Wan declared defiantly, hands on hips. "You were right back then when you said that I did not love you. I understand now that those feelings I had at sixteen were lust and infatuation. You made me promise to wait until I could truly understand my feelings and the will of the Force. I took your advice: I sought other friends, other relationships, visited the staff sex therapists, the mind healers and even the brothels. I also followed that bloody lizard's teachings on the Code that everyone is so everlastingly quoting at me and spent hours on my knees in meditations, asking myself over and over again if this was the right path, if this was truly the will of the Force."
He took a step closer, hands dropping to his sides. "I have done all that you asked and more. I am twenty-one now, Qui-Gon, a Senior Padawan. I have meditated, I have sought diligently to understand the will of the Force, and for over two years now I have gotten the same answer in those meditations. You are the other half of my heart and soul, Qui-Gon Jinn. There is no other who has even come close to healing the pain and emptiness I feel inside without you. I do not want you, I need you. And I dare you to look me in the eyes and tell me honestly that you do not return those feelings."
There was a long silence as the two men looked at each other.
Qui-Gon finally blinked and glanced away. "I... cannot," he whispered. Head bowed, he started to turn away.
"Qui-Gon?" Obi-Wan stepped forward. He shook his head at the strength of the shields that suddenly closed off their bond. "You can't just walk away like that," he demanded. Obi-Wan put a hand on his master's shoulder. "What is wrong?"
"These feelings I have... I too have sought guidance from the Force, but I..."
"And what did the Force tell you?" Obi-Wan felt a small shudder under his fingertips as they rested on Qui-Gon's shoulder.
"I once thought I had these feelings for another, and I believed the Force approved then, just as it seems to tell me now that what I feel is right." Qui-Gon closed his eyes as a grimace of pain washed over his face. "But it turned out so very wrong, and it seems now that what I thought the Force was telling me was what Xanatos persuaded me to hear." He drew a deep breath, let it out in a slow shuddering rasp. "I know you have kept your word and have remained silent on this topic until today, and believe me I am very grateful for that. What I have seen in my meditations seems right, but this is so important to me, so close to my heart, that I am no longer certain. I don't know if I am hearing the true voice of the Force or only persuading myself into following more wishful thinking."
Obi-Wan pulled Qui-Gon around, putting a hand on each shoulder. "Do you love me?"
Qui-Gon looked up diffidently. He swallowed hard, breathing through partially open lips. "Yes," he said softly.
"And I love you," Obi-Wan said firmly. "I have no doubts, no reservations. You taught me about the Force, Qui-Gon, how to seek it out, to hear its voice, to accept its will." He gently reached up to cradle his master's face in both hands and looked intently into the blue eyes. He saw the hope and doubt swirling there; felt the fear and yearning pulsing through their bond. "I have heard the voice of the Force, and it tells me that this is right. I know I still have much to learn, but this is one lesson I have mastered. Let me give back to you the faith you have taught me; for once let my strength and belief sustain us both."
A moment's hesitation, then Qui-Gon reached out to embrace Obi-Wan in a tight hug. "Yes, my Obi-Wan. Oh yes."
Obi-Wan felt his face stretch in a silly grin as he was crushed in the bear hug. He wrapped his own arms tightly around Qui-Gon, savoring the heat and the vibrations from the wildly pounding heart in the chest pressed so closely to his. He slid one hand up to cup his master's neck, pulled Qui-Gon's head down to claim a long, sweet kiss.
The two men broke apart with a gasp. "I've waited so long, hoped for so much..." Qui-Gon murmured, his eyes darkening rapidly.
"I love you, Qui-Gon. I want you, need you..." Obi-Wan pulled off their cloaks and spread them on the grass of the secluded clearing. He began to gently draw the bigger man down to the ground.
"Yes, Obi-Wan, I want you to have me." Qui-Gon acceded to his lover's gentle pressure and lay down. "Hold me, take me."
Time lost meaning as the two lovers explored each other, touching, kissing, learning each other in new ways. Obi-Wan carefully took possession of their relationship, nurturing it, both rejoicing in each new pleasure, each new sensation. Passion carried them forward, acknowledging and consummating their new relationship with a fiery cry of joy and wonder as they released themselves to each other and the Force.
Warm and sated, Obi-Wan let himself savor the feelings of awe and completion as he lay spooned tightly behind his new lover, still buried inside him. He couldn't remember a time in his life when he had felt this wonderful and he gladly surrendered to this moment in time, soaking it up and imprinting it forever in his memory. Eventually, however, a cool breeze wandering across his sweaty skin brought his attention back to more mundane matters. Regretfully, he carefully withdrew from his lover's body and raised up on one elbow.
A whimper from Qui-Gon caused Obi-Wan to hurriedly check for possible injuries from their lovemaking. Finding none, he gently moved Qui-Gon to his back. The older man lay motionless, eyes shut tight as tears slid down his face.
"Qui-Gon? Are you all right?" Obi-Wan fearfully reached a hand out, hovering uncertainly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. Qui-Gon? Please, speak to me, say something..."
Blue eyes lazily blinked open, bright with the tears still flowing freely. "Am I still alive?" he asked in wonder. A huge grin slowly spread across his face.
"Qui-Gon, are you all right?"
"Obi-Wan, love, I have never been more all right in my life." Qui-Gon reached up to caress his lover's face. "I will have passion and the Code be damned. It is a time to cry, for these are tears of joy that cannot be denied."
"Blast you, Qui-Gon, you're going to be the death of me." Torn between laughing and crying himself, Obi-Wan thumped feebly at the smooth chest beneath him. He settled for swooping down and capturing the bruised lips in another long kiss, then carefully kissed away every tear. "I shall take away every tear that you shed and claim it for my own, and replace them with every bit of happiness I can give you."
"Then I must find more occasions to cry, if it will entice you to bring me more such joy." The grin turned to a devilish smile.
"Silly man, just be yourself." Obi-Wan felt the heat of tears pricking his own eyelids. He gathered Qui-Gon in a hug. "Just to know that you are mine is enough for me." He squeezed a little harder as he whispered, "I love you, Qui-Gon Jinn."
It took every iota of willpower the young knight possessed to stand motionless as the guttering torch was thrust into the dry wood. Every nerve in his body screamed at him to rage, to run, to shout into the wind; the sudden stench of burning flesh and cloth sent his stomach into contortions. The true testimonial to the fallen Jedi master was not the fancy words or accolades of the crowd but the lone man's silence, a silence which bore mute tribute to the strength that Qui-Gon Jinn had passed on to his former apprentice.
Surely this can't be happening, Obi-Wan thought. If only this were a dream, some horrible twisted nightmare. He wanted nothing more than to wake up once more in the arms of his lover, to feel his soothing touch, be healed by his warm presence.
A gust of wind sent the grisly odors of smoke and charring tissue into his face. Memories came pouring in even as the bile burning in his throat threatened to erupt and force him to expel the contents of his stomach. Battlefields, refugee camps, hospitals, the dead and the dying, so much death and destruction, so comparatively few that they had managed to save.
Obi-Wan tightened his clenched fists inside the heavy robe, using the pain of fingernails and abused muscles to help distract himself. He dared not swallow for fear of losing the battle with the nausea that lurked inside. Only the clenched jaw and barest flaring of nostrils with each carefully measured breath hinted to his fellow Jedi of the turmoil within.
Another gust sent the flames leaping, crackling of death, sizzling in the air. The spreading stink of burning hair and flesh threatened once more to dissolve his hard won composure.
The sudden familiar warmth of a large hand on his shoulder was almost the knight's undoing. He closed his eyes, fighting to stay upright as his pulse pounded.
// Strength, Padawan. //
Obi-Wan opened his eyes. The pyre still burned brightly, only the barest outline of his master's body discernible in the flickering heat. He swallowed hard, his earlier nausea lost in the astonishment of hearing that familiar voice in his mind.
// Master? //
// I am your master no longer, my beautiful knight.//
// I would stay your apprentice forever if I could have you back. //
// We both know that cannot be. You are a knight now. You must be strong, for there are others that look to you, who depend on you. //
// I don't feel strong, my Master. // Obi-Wan's hand slipped down to grasp his lightsaber. // I feel lost and so alone. I would follow you if I could. //
// It is not your time, Padawan. // The stern tone brought into sharp focus the memories of seemingly hundreds of patient discussions. // Now is the time to remember that you are a Jedi, to follow the Code, and let the Force guide your actions. //
// Yes, Master. // Obi-Wan sighed and let his hands drop to his sides. // I miss you so much.//
// I know, Padawan. // The voice was growing fainter. // I'm sorry, I can't stay much longer. //
// Please, don't go. // Obi-Wan felt his throat tighten and clenched his jaw hard to prevent himself from begging out loud.
// I must leave. Be strong, Padawan. // There was a sad smile in the rough voice. // Think of me and remember the Code and all of that bloody lizard's teachings. // A sigh whispered over the fading link. // You are a good Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi, but even more importantly, you are a good man. Don't ever forget who and what you are. //
// I promise, Master. // Obi-Wan drew a ragged breath as the warmth on his shoulder slipped away. // I love you, Qui-Gon. //
// ... love you ... //
For a long time Obi-Wan stood still, staring sightlessly into the blazing fire. Grief condensed inside him, biding its time until the proper moment for its release. He let his mind roam freely, gathering memories to sustain him, locking away each precious remembrance like a miser hoarding a treasure that must last a lifetime. He slowly pushed the sorrow away into a deep well, damming the tears that he must not allow to show.
A small movement at his side broke his reverie. He turned his head toward the boy standing beside him. Once more his duty was clear.
"What will happen to me now?"
For an imperceptible moment the young knight hesitated, then adopted what he hoped was a reassuring expression. "The Council have granted me permission to train you. You will be a Jedi. I promise."
Although he sensed the disquiet of his new apprentice, Obi-Wan found he was not yet strong enough to steal more than a few of these precious last moments for the boy. He turned back to the pyre, his hooded face impassive, and slowly recited the Code as he watched the fire burn down.
During the hectic days that followed, Knight Kenobi was a model of devotion and duty. He carried out every task that was laid on him, working long and hard to assist with the cleanup on Naboo, starting his new padawan's training, and helping the Councilors investigating the sudden re-emergence of the Sith. Many remarked on the young knight's reserved manner, most with admiration, a few with a whispered gladness that young Kenobi hadn't taken after that damned Jinn's maverick ways. Obi-Wan smiled or was solemn at the right times, politely thanking those who wished him well and ignoring the others.
It was several weeks before the knight and his new apprentice were finally able to settle into their new quarters on Coruscant. One fine morning Knight Kenobi dropped his apprentice off with the Creche Master for his first full day of classes, comforting the boy with a hug and a friendly admonition to mind his manners. He stopped at his quarters to retrieve a carefully preserved wooden box, then proceeded to visit the Temple's gardeners. He wandered among the many potted plants waiting there until a small bush caught his eye. Dark green, with a single white blossom, it called to him. Taking the little bush and a small spade with him, Obi-Wan worked his way through the Temple grounds until he emerged into a small grassy clearing in the oldest part of the gardens.
Memories flooded back as Obi-Wan stood in the sunlight. Stolen moments of lust, long afternoons of blissful love, deep discussions of life and philosophy and light-hearted picnics in this place they had made their own. His throat tightened.
"Hang on just a little longer," the knight whispered. He drew a deep breath and straightened his shoulders.
Obi-Wan set his burdens down in the grass. He chose a sunny spot along the edge of the clearing and began digging. With each thrust of the spade he muttered another bit of the Jedi Code.
Finally satisfied with the hole he had made in the soil, Obi-Wan carefully removed the plant from its container and set it into the space. He retrieved the wooden box. For a long time he knelt in the sun, eyes closed, the box held close to his chest.
When Obi-Wan finally opened his eyes, they were bright with moisture. He kissed the lid of the box, then set it down in the grass and opened it. He filled a transparisteel vial with grainy black and gray ashes, sealed it, and placed it in his utility belt. He then tenderly mixed handfuls of soil with ashes to fill in the empty space around the bush.
"Qui-Gon, wherever you are in the Force, I want you to know that I love you. I honor you for the knowledge and strength you gave me, my Master; for the peace and harmony that you taught me to know. I shall strive to be the Jedi that you believed I could be."
Obi-Wan leaned forward, burying his hands in the final handfuls of dirt and ash.
"I know I've never been very strong in the Living Force, Master, but I leave this small offering in the manner you taught me on Kuveer so long ago. May it grow and flourish in your honor, just as I shall honor your memory. Thank you, Qui-Gon, for teaching me to be a Jedi, for teaching me to understand the Code, and most of all for teaching me that I am also a man of my own. I shall always miss you, but I shall be strong when I must, be happy when I can, and do my duty."
"Good bye, Qui-Gon Jinn. This is my time to cry and my final offering to you until I see you again in the Force."
The Jedi knight bowed his head, finally letting the tears he had suppressed for so long fall to water his offering of love.
Finis