Author's web page: http://www.ravenswing.com/ravendreams/
Category: Angst, POV
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Post TPM, that scene that didn't happen,
happened.
Pairing: Q/O
Spoilers: none
Summary: Obi-Wan tries to sleep.
Notes: This wasn't beta-ed. All mistakes are mine. Typos are
the will of the Force and are therefore not subject to
review.
Feedback: Waited for with bated breath.
Disclaimers: I have some honey in the kitchen. Lucas owns
everything else.
If I close my eyes, I can feel you. I can feel the bed dip as
you sit upon it, pulling off your boots and setting them aside.
I can hear your clothes as you remove them; making soft
rustling sounds on the chair. Your skin is a cool shock against
mine, bare flank sliding across my back. Slowly, your coolness
becomes a source of warmth, comforting and relaxing my tense
muscles like no one else ever has.
You slowly turn towards me, curling your chest against my back.
You tuck my head under your chin; your hair brushes my
shoulders as I try to sleep, to dream of impossible tomorrows.
Your hands hold me tightly for only a second, attempting to
soothe this unending thread of tension that dwells within me.
Touching for a moment, then those square-tipped hands move
away.
From where I lay, curled onto myself, eyes scrunched shut and
blanket around my ears, I can hear you running your fingers
through your hair. I know this ritual of yours, too, Beloved.
You are slowly braiding that hair into a long plait, saving
yourself some tangles in the morning. Those deft fingers, once
they have finished, will be free to dance themselves across my
back, my arms, my chest.
This is the tricky part, though. Will those hands touch me, or
will they reach for a cup of tea or a datapad? Will they turn
me over for a long kiss? Will they simply disappear this time,
leaving me alone with a faulty memory?
I ache for you in a thousand ways. I want to hear you whisper
my name in passion. I want to see your eyes gleam when you
crack a too-rarely made joke. I want to work next to you,
saving the galaxy, as I believed only we could. I want to feel
you rub your feet together slowly while you sleep, an old habit
to comfort yourself that always reminds me of your humanity.
More than all of those, I want to feel your presence within me,
Beloved. I want to feel the bond, which has been within me
since I was a boy, spark into existence again. I need the
comfort of your love, supporting me, surrounding me. I need to
return that love to you, to share this passion which is resting
inside me, threatening to stagnate. The bond I have with my
Padawan is firm and bright, but is a whisper in a windstorm
compared to the empty ache within me that calls for you. I find
myself drawn to that emptiness, calling to you in the hope that
your voice will echo there.
Force! I didn't know anything could be this hard. I survived
the dying, Master. I stood stoically while your body burned.
For days, I could not get the smoke out of my nose. I returned
to Coruscant, to our home. I have made a life for myself, for
Anakin. I have been everything you asked me to be. Those
difficult steps I have taken with grace. I fear it is the long,
empty fall of life before me that will cause my stumble.
I have released my anger from losing you, my fears about
training the boy, my sorrow over living without the man I love.
The thing I cannot remember how to lose is this emptiness, so I
attempt fill it during those long nights without you. I cannot
help but hope you know this and come to me, for in the night,
my heart believes.
Your smell still lives on your pillow, slowly failing with each
night I bathe it in tears. You are truly becoming a ghost in
these rooms. The touch you brought to the home we shared is
immeasurably altered, day by day. Your favorite tea has grown
stale in the canister, your towel sits folded in the 'fresher
unused. I cannot stop the living that is overriding your
memory. My Padawan brings his tastes, his touches, his laughter
and throws them into the void you left.
As well he should, I suppose.
Suddenly, I feel the long, slow slide of your fingers against
my spine, distracting me from my brooding. Your lips brush over
my ear, the exposed skin of my neck. If I stretch, I can hear
your deep rumble, washing into my soul, a balm. Your smell of
musk and some spice which I could never remember fills my nose,
sparking hope, laughter, love. In this moment, I discover for
the hundredth time, this gift you have given me.
Here, curled into our bed, where I have been the most safe and
warm, I simply need to shut my eyes and you are with me and my
emptiness is eased. I can feel you beside me, within me. I can
feel your faith in me, your pride in my accomplishments. I take
what comfort I can, letting your love gentle me into sleep. I
will wake in the morning, the controlled Jedi knight who can
survive anything. I will train Anakin, defend the light and
honor my Master's memory. Until then, I will bask in you, in
your memory.
I live for the moment when I no longer have the need to open my
eyes.
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