by marag (with an itty bitty tiny bit of help from pumpkin)
Archive: yes
Author's webpage:
http://adult.dencity.com/insanityoutlet
Category: Humour
Rating: R
Pairing: Q/O
Warnings: none
Spoilers: none
Feedback would be lovely to ladymarag@bigfoot.com
Disclaimers: No Hershey bars were harmed in the production of
this fic. Oh yeah and Lucasfilm, Lucasfilm, Lucasfilm
Notes: This isn't what it looks like -really! The snapshot was
written yesterday, Snow Days was written late Friday with TUE
and Marag honestly wrote most of this herself but had to call
on me when she squicked herself (any foodstuff and sex will do
it for her).
Hershyite was a small planet. Backwards in many ways, but yet
so technologically advanced in others. They had one and only
one export - Cho-ko-lit. It was a foodstuff derived from the
Kokoa plant, which grew in abundance all over the planet.
Cho-ko-lit had very little nutritive value. But every known
species in the Galaxy could consume it, and many found it to be
of a highly, um, well, lets just say that every known species
in the galaxy found a use for it.
The people of Hershyite were a loving, happy, plump people.
They worshiped one God, and every four years freely elected a
new Dictatorship.
All in all a very inoffensive people. Except once a year, when
the held the "Roast". On the 14th day of the 2nd month of their
yearly rotation, the entire planet celebrated the Roast. This
was the day that the beans of the Kokoa plant harvested over
the pervious weeks were gathered together and roasted over a
slow fire. The result was Cho-ko-lit, and a planet wide orgy.
Oh, and did I mention the sacrifice?
"We have to WHAT?"
"Obi-Wan please, control your reactions." Qui-Gon tried to
sound calm and reasonable.
"Qui-Gon, they want us to- to- "
"Sacrifice your virginity and declare your love to the entire
planet," replied Cupidus, the Elder of the town, in an attempt
to be helpful. He was quite concerned that these Jedi just
didn't seem to be with the program.
Obi-Wan made a sound in his throat that, to Qui-Gon ears,
sounded suspiciously like a whimper. "Cupidus, can you tell me
did Master Yoda understand the nature of your request when you
told the council that you required two Jedi for your Roast?"
"But of course. Master Yoda himself was a participant many,
many years ago."
"I'll kill him. Um...who was he with?"
"Obi-Wan I am sure that such questions are not appropriate."
"Not at all Master Jinn. It was a Jedi named Master Fozzi, if
memory serves me correctly. A wise man, but with a very odd
sense of humour."
Neither Jedi had a reply to that.
Cupidus decided that it was time to hurry things along. He had
a great deal of work to do before the ceremony tonight, and he
still hadn't managed to get to a flower shop. His mate was not
going to be pleased. Blarin liked blue Thornrosis flowers, and
as they were only available once a year, he had better get his
act together. "Come gentlemen, now you understand it is time to
separate you until the fuc - uh, ceremony begins. Master Jinn,
you will come with me, please. Your young apprentice will
remain here; he will be taken care of."
Unsure that he liked the sound of that, Qui-Gon nonetheless
allowed himself to be ushered from the cabin.
Several hours later, Obi-Wan was beginning to feel like, well
like a sacrificial Redshurtus. So here he was. He was clean;
every inch of him was clean. His body had been scoured, both
inside and out, and every single one of his body hairs had been
removed from the neck down. He was totally hairless. It felt
weird, it felt cold, it felt smooth, and it felt, um, well
okay so it's sexy all right? get on with it.
Since one of the rules was to never argue with a main
character, the multitude of women got on with it.
A strong scent began to waft over the village. Soon the
sacrifice would take place. The smell of the roasting beans was
dark, rich -it overwhelmed the senses. Obi-Wan listened to the
chant and became entranced as he was led through the village.
"All hail oh great God of Kokoa, hear us, listen to us moan
your name in ecstasy:
We call to you, your sweetness, and your smooth supple form:
Come...
Come...
For so long the people of Hershyite had prepared for this day.
For today was the day that the unknown love of the two who
would become one would be offered to the one true God, the Lord
Cho-ko- lit, God of Kokoa.
Obi-Wan was led to a clearing where a large vat of liquid
Cho-ko- lit, deep, dark and brown, bubbled. Drums could be
heard in the background. It was all rather primitive - well
except for the Jumbotron and the Vid-Cameras set out to capture
the event in real time. Obi-Wan was most grateful that his
Master had refused to allow instant replays.
Still unsure of what exactly was about to happen, Obi Wan
slowly lowered himself into the vat of rich, thick liquid. The
smell was intoxicating, the heat enticing; it surrounded him,
filled him, like a lover's embrace. All around him the people
chanted.
"Hear us Cadburrius, we offer you this man, half of the gift of
love."
Obi-Wan slowly rose from the vat, the liquid thickening and
sticking to his slim muscular body as it hit the cooler air.
Qui-Gon watch in awe as the liquid Cho-ko-lit hardened into a
form fitting shell around his padawan. "You don't expect me to
lick that off do you?"
"Either you, or the women present, Master Jinn. The choice is
yours."
Qui-Gon took one look around him at the salivating hordes and
decided that his padawan might not survive. "Very well, what
must I do?"
Cupidus only just managed not to roll his eyes in disgust -
these Jedi were positively thick. "You have to fu - you must
make love to him, passionately...continuously - through the
floor."
Qui-Gon somehow managed to look astonished and aroused at the
same time. "But he's a virgin. I am a virgin."
"Actually Master Jinn, that's the point. Look, just go up
there, lick off the Choc-ko-lit and fake it from there okay? I
have an orgy to attend."
With a resigned sigh, Qui-Gon made his way to the bed where his
encased padawan was resting. He sat at the edge of the bed,
making sure not to come in contact with any of the Cho-ko-lit.
"What now?" asked Obi-Wan.
"It seems I am to make love to you."
"Can we ditch the Cho-ko-lit first?"
Qui-Gon made a face.
"What?" asked Obi-Wan apprehensively.
"Apparently I have to lick it off."
"At least they shaved me first, that should make things
easier."
"Everywhere?"
"Yes."
"Oh." Qui-Gon looked suddenly intrigued and certainly more
willing. He cocked his head to one side, considering his
padawan's coated form.
"I suppose I could think of you as a giant turtle...you are
after all Cho-ko-lit covered and have nuts."
"You can think of me as a giant Cho-ko-lit bunny for all I
care, just get me out of this -I'm starting to chafe."
Bending over his apprentice, Qui-Gon began to lick.
Several hours later, Obi-Wan was finally clean of Cho-ko-lit,
more or less, almost vibrating with excitement. His erection
was quite hard and begging for attention. Qui-Gon lay at his
side, out of breath and holding his stomach, groaning
mournfully.
"Come on, Master, we aren't done yet."
"I think I am. If I never see another bite of Cho-ko-lit again
I might die a happy man."
"But what about the making love part?"
"What if you just...you know."
"Would that count?"
"I don't see why not -if spending 8 hours licking 20lbs of
Cho-ko- lit of your body doesn't declare my love, I can't think
of what would."
Satisfied that his immersion in Cho-ko-lit had not gone in
vain, Obi-Wan grabbed hold of himself and dealt with the twelve
inches
shut up, Master
of flesh that rose stiffly between his legs.
Sliding a finger through the pearly white drops that decorated
his chest, he held it out to Qui-Gon.
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