By His Side

by Sheryl

Archive: okay

Pairing: Q/O

Category: Pre-slash, angst

Rating: PG

Warnings/Spoilers: For the JA series, especially # 14

Feedback: is always great incentive! squad51-st@home.com

Notes: This is therapy. I'm preparing myself in advance to be left going: WHAT? at the end of JA#16. Thanks to Briony for her help!

Obi-Wan sighed, shifting his weight from knee to knee. It was getting late and he was finding it nearly impossible to focus on anything other than the discomfort in his knees.

Very un-Jedi-like, Kenobi, he chided himself. Almost as un-Jedi-like as the resentful feelings he was having toward Master Tahl.

Anger leads to fear, fear leads to the Dark side. Hmm...he thought, maybe anger is too strong of a word. Displeasure. Yes, that sounded much better.

He was indeed very displeased that once again his Master seemed wholly focused on Master Tahl, leaving little time for him. Furthermore, his Master had seemed practically unaware of his existence since Tahl's disappearance.

But, he reminded himself, Master Tahl had always treated him kindly and more importantly: at the moment, she was in need of their help. Her life may be in danger. For all we know, she could already be dead and he knew that should upset him much more than it did.

In fact, he was finding it a little upsetting that he wasn't upset.

Maybe, he was just tired. His muscles were aching, a not so subtle protest to the last few days of overuse; the stress and strain of events seemed to be finally catching up to him. A good night's sleep was sounding better every minute.

Yes, he told himself, it would probably be wise to put an end to this pitiful session. He'd been in a foul mood to begin with and it had gotten worse, not better.

Even though he realized he should just go back to their quarters and get some sleep, there were so many things unsettled in his mind. Once more, he took a few cleansing breaths and tried to focus.

He really didn't like himself at the moment, didn't at all like the way he was feeling. He needed to figure this out -- to find his calm, his center.

Master Tahl was a wonderful person, a good friend and she was always willing to speak up in Obi-Wan's behalf. She didn't deserve his anger; she hadn't done anything. Except draw his Master's attention away from him, which wasn't really her fault.

So why did he have this feeling of 'displeasure' with her? This feeling that if he never again laid eyes on Master Tahl it would be just fine with him.

Then there was Qui-Gon, who obviously cared very much for Master Tahl. If any misfortune would befall her while Obi-Wan harbored such ill feelings, he may never be able to look into his Master's eyes again -- forever and ever.

Force! He was acting like a jealous child.

Sighing again, he shifted his weight from one aching knee to the other. Get a grip on yourself, Kenobi. Act like a man, he mentally chastised. He's your Master. He's committed to you. You have friends and Qui-Gon should be allowed to have friends as well.

That brought his friend Bant to mind. She would be utterly heartbroken if anything were to happen to her Master. But then again...Master Tahl spent little time with Bant. Obi-wan was always listening to Bant complain about her Master's seeming lack of care, lack of time, their lack of closeness.

Bant deserved a better Master. She deserved a Master more like his Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon was a very devoted Master and Obi-Wan thanked the Force that he was nothing like Tahl. He and Qui-Gon spent almost all their time together -- except for the time he spent with Tahl. Well, he did do other things, but it seemed he spent a lot of time with Tahl, too much time.

Was it possible that he was already being discarded?

He remembered the mission to Melida/Daan and how quick his Master had been to let him go in order to ensure Tahl's safety. Instead of listening to Obi-Wan, trying to understand his reasoning, Qui-Gon had simply refused to get involved, falling back on the pretense of Council orders.

When had Council orders ever stopped him from helping those in need? Doing what he felt in his heart was the will of the Force always took precedence over the Council's orders.

So, was it because of Tahl that he ignored the Young's plea for help? Was it for her sake that Qui-Gon left his padawan behind?

If indeed they had committed to each other, would it be so easy for him to do again? Would Qui-Gon leave his padawan behind, once more -- for her?

An image of Qui-Gon and Tahl in a lover's embrace flashed through his mind and he had to shake his head in an attempt to clear it. No! His Master and Master Tahl? Qui-Gon was his! They were committed to each other -- Master and Padawan! His Master wouldn't make a commitment to another, would he?

If the worst was true and they had made a life commitment, Obi-Wan had to believe his Master would never do such a cruel thing as abandon him.

Melida/Daan was years ago, he reminded himself. Things had changed between them since then, he and Qui-Gon were much closer now.

But he still was unable to purge from his mind the image of himself being cast aside, left alone to feel sorry for himself. A pathetic figure with nothing better to do than spend his days complaining about his absent Master.

Another image flashed through his mind; one of Master Tahl spontaneously combusting and leaving behind a tiny pile of ashes. He really hated the feeling of satisfaction he got from that image.

Good going, Kenobi. We've moved on from anger to fear. The next stop -- well, he didn't even want to think about that.

Maybe, he thought as he opened his eyes and stretched his aching muscles, maybe he'd better stop this lame attempt at meditation before he ended up a Sith.

"Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon called from his bedroom, hearing the young man enter their quarters.

"Yes, Master." So much for sneaking in, he thought.

"It's late, Padawan. You should be in bed, already." Qui-Gon folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the doorframe expectantly.

"I was...uh...meditating. Trying to anyway." He shrugged, hoping to look nonchalant. "I finally gave up and decided maybe a hot shower and a good night's sleep would be more helpful." Smiling, he quickly ducked into the refresher before his Master could say anything more.

He wasn't in the mood to hear the latest update concerning Master Tahl, he was uncertain as to whether he'd be able to sufficiently shield his resentment and he didn't ever want Qui-Gon to suspect him of this pettiness.

Okay, Kenobi, he took another look at himself in the mirror and wrapped a towel around his waist. He's probably already sleeping -- just make a dash for your room and you'll be home free.

At times like this, it was unnerving that his Master was always able to read him so easily, too easily and he hoped to avoid a conversation tonight, certain that Qui-Gon would be able to see his adolescent jealousy -- or worse. He opened the door and tentatively stepped into the corridor.

"Obi-Wan? Come here, please. I need to speak with you."

"Sith!"

"Padawan?"

"Coming, Master."

Quickly he went to his own room, dropped the towel to the floor, slipped the bottoms of his sleep clothes on and headed across to his Master's room.

Qui-Gon looked beautiful in the subtle lighting cast by the bedside reading lamp. His hair hung loosely over his shoulders; he was bare-chested, lying back against his pillows. He'd been reading, but when Obi-Wan approached him, he calmly laid the book aside, smiled and patted the spot next to him.

"Master?"

"Sit, my Obi-Wan."

With only a slight hesitation Obi-Wan seated himself, but it was on the very edge of the sleep couch, as far away from his Master as he could get. Qui-Gon seemed to be relaxed, amiable. At least he wasn't angry. Still, Obi-Wan wasn't sure if he was actually in a more pleasant mood, or if it was just a ploy to smooth things over before he broke the bad news.

Obi-Wan, he imagined his Master saying, I have good news and bad news. The good news is: we found Tahl. The bad news however, is: we've decided we really won't have the extra time to spare on our padawans anymore since we'll be doing it every chance we get.

"I missed you this evening, Obi-Wan," his Master said, studying Obi-Wan carefully. "I was hoping we'd have evening meal together."

Obi-Wan felt like a heel. Here he'd been upset all evening, feeling miserable because his Master was ignoring him. "I'm sorry, Master. I just assumed you'd be busy." He couldn't bring himself to meet the older man's gaze; instead he focused intently on curling and uncurling a corner of the bed sheet.

"Yes, I have been a bit preoccupied lately, haven't I?"

Obi-Wan glanced up at his Master and shrugged. "I understand. Master Tahl was in need of your help."

Qui-Gon nodded and Obi-Wan couldn't help but notice the flash of pain that crossed his features.

On the nightstand, beside his Master, lay two light-sabers, Tahl's next to Qui-Gon's. Seeing them there, together, made Obi-Wan feel a little surge of desperation. Childish as it was, he wanted his own 'saber to be there, beside his Master's -- not set aside, as it was.

"Padawan?"

Obi-Wan cleared his throat, snapping himself out of the dissonant thoughts. "Have you heard anything new?"

"No. Unfortunately, there's no new information."

"I'm sorry, Master," Obi-Wan replied. "I wish.... If there's anything...."

"Come up here, next to me," Qui-Gon interrupted, knowing his Padawan was uncomfortable, struggling for adequate words. He smiled warmly and held out a welcoming arm and Obi-Wan moved up beside him and was settled against the pillows. "Ah, this is much better."

Obi-Wan had to agree. He loved spending time like this with his Master and as always, just being in his peaceful presence seemed to calm him more than any amount of meditation alone ever could.

He remembered back a couple of years when he had been recovering from an illness that had nearly taken his life. After the healers had allowed him out of the infirmary, he'd been ordered to remain in bed for two weeks. When he was well enough to become bored and actually want to get up, even if only to study, his Master had refused to let him get out of bed, instead he'd moved Obi-Wan and his necessities into his own room, with its bigger, more comfortable sleeping accommodations. They had spent many hours together during those weeks, reading, talking and playing strategy games. Obi-Wan had not taken for granted his Master's solicitude. He knew very well that he was indeed fortunate to have Qui-Gon Jinn as his Master.

"I do apologize for having been somewhat preoccupied lately." Pausing, Qui-Gon frowned, thoughtfully rubbing at his temple with his free hand for a moment and then turned to his apprentice. "Please forgive me, my Padawan."

And without hesitation, Obi-Wan did. He would always forgive his Master anything, he needn't even ask.

Before Obi-Wan had the chance to speak, Qui-Gon began again. "Obi-Wan..." he paused, again frowning. "There's something I need to tell you."

Oh no, thought Obi-Wan, a sudden feeling of dread caused his stomach to churn.

"I've made a commitment to Tahl. Well, actually, the two of us have made one to each other. I know the Council will probably frown upon this for a lot of reasons, not least of all the fact that we both have young apprentices who we've already committed to. In all likelihood, they'll reprimand both Tahl and myself and send us off to opposite ends of the galaxy."

Obi-Wan watched his Master and was surprised not only by the fact that his Master was confiding in him on such a personal matter, but also that his tone and manner seemed much less severe than Obi-Wan would expect from such a serious conversation.

"I can already hear them questioning our judgment, our motives, the timing and anything else they perceive will show good reasoning for us to nullify the pledge we made to each other. And I have to admit that I'm having some difficulty coming up with reasonable answers to those questions. I'm questioning my own motives and timing. Such things shouldn't be made in haste. Not that I don't have strong feelings for Tahl, but I believe any type of important endeavor such as a life commitment should be made under...different, more pleasant circumstances."

"Sometimes circumstances force us to make do with what we have," Obi-Wan said, not believing the words had actually come from his mouth.

Qui-Gon nodded, smiling at the sound of his own advice being used on him. "You are correct, my wise one." With a sigh, he leaned over to kiss his Padawan's forehead. "I must find her, Obi-Wan. No matter what it takes, I will find her."

"We will, Master," Obi-Wan looked earnestly into his Master's eyes. "We will find Master Tahl, together."

"That's most gracious of you, but I can't ask you to risk yourself. Especially if the Council doesn't approve of this."

"I am your Padawan. It's my duty to be by your side," Obi-Wan responded emphatically. "You must let me go with you, Master. Please!"

Qui-Gon smiled sadly and drew the young man closer to him. "I will be honored and most thankful to have you by my side, although a part of me fears I am making another hasty decision. Promise me, Obi-Wan, that if you feel I'm making an unwise choice, or if you question any of my decisions, if you have any doubts or reservations at all that you'll immediately bring them to my attention?"

Obi-Wan couldn't help but wonder that if his Master was questioning his own decisions, maybe the whole universe was going mad. But, he just gazed up at his Master, with wide, guileless eyes and nodded solemnly.

"You are truly a gift, my Obi-Wan."

Which was ridiculous, Obi-Wan thought, because it was Qui-Gon who was the gift. Each day that Obi-Wan was allowed to spend at his side he looked upon as gift, one that Obi-Wan often doubted he deserved, but was extremely grateful for, non-the-less.

"Everything will be alright, Master," Obi-Wan assured sincerely, patting Qui-Gon on the knee. He had no idea how at the moment, but he had faith that with their focused determination they would succeed in finding Tahl.

And if it was Tahl that made his Master happy, then of course Obi-Wan would grant them his blessing and somehow put aside, or learn to deal with the empty feelings of loneliness and despair lingering just at the edge of his awareness. It wouldn't be easy, he would have to be very strong, but he'd do anything for Qui-Gon Jinn.

"Ah, youthful optimism." Qui-Gon chuckled, pulling his Padawan even closer and tilting his chin upwards. "May you always carry it with you, no matter how many years pass by."

Briefly, it crossed his mind to remind Qui-Gon that it was usually he, and not Obi-Wan, that carried the "youthful optimism", but he decided against it, not wanting to ruin such a rare, peaceful moment. Instead, he simply smiled, pushing back the dark thoughts and allowing himself to relax for now, happy just to be here -- in the moment.

He yawned, his eyelids were starting to feel heavy and he was finding it difficult to keep them open.

"Sleep, Obi-Wan," the deep voice murmured and at last, he did just that, feeling the covers being tucked around him and the soft brush of lips against his own as he drifted off, with his Master by his side.

~ end ~