Summary: After TPM, Qui-Gon thinks back on how his love for and
trust in Obi-Wan was his salvation.
Pairing: Q/O
Category: drama, A/U, angst, vignette
Rating: PG
Archive: Master and Apprentice, SWAL and The Nesting Place
only; all others ask first please.
Disclaimer: Lucas owns 'em. I use 'em. Lots.
Summary: Oh, just read it! ;-) Summarizing would totally spoil
it. (Summary is at the end for the M_A and NP archivists)
Notes: Another of those late-night things. What can I say?
Qui-Gon will not shut up.
Feedback: If you noticed this among the many stories which have
been posted...whether you loved it or hated it, please let me
know what you think! I'm open to any and all constructive
feedback.
His skin is so pale, like a fine sheen of ice across a
windowpane. Golden lashes, sprinkled with scarlet, flutter over
the heavy darkness beneath his eyes. Each sigh against my skin
is a priceless gift to me, a reminder of how he might be
snatched away in the space of time between two breaths.
Fatigue finally overcame him an hour ago. He curled against me,
limbs moving stiffly like hard sticks through tar, and fell
asleep instantly. There's been much to tax his resilience these
past few days.
I stripped him of his clothing, as I often did when he was a
boy. I took exquisite care with him. For the first time, I felt
a twinge of misgiving about setting him on another path, one
which can include me only on the fringes. He still needs me,
that much is certain, but my role in his life is yet to be
determined. I gathered his body against mine, careful of the
wound which has not yet healed, and the power of my own
emotions ravaged my restraint. I am thankful he is not awake to
see these tears, to understand the nature of my regret, to feel
the relief which conquers reason when I look at him, to know my
heart too well.
I acquired a kiss from those sleeping lips, savoring their
taste, the salt of my own tears on my tongue as it brushed
across his mouth. He slept on, comforted by the invisible
presence of living Force, wrapped about him like a silken
cloak. I kissed those lashes where they lay on his cheeks,
troubled by the exhaustion hidden beneath the closed eyelids.
Much can be concealed within the shroud of slumber.
While I watched him, I wondered if he willed himself to dream.
Visions of flight over the misty vistas of Endor, perhaps, or
diving through the emerald seas of Misuro II. He spoke more
than once of a dream of shadows, sapphire lights which danced
over the crackling energy of my body, and of flames which
carried me beyond his reach. He envisioned great darkness, a
battle to the death, evil beyond compare. I dismissed his
worries out of hand, not daring to believe he spoke of events
which may actually come to pass. He is not gifted in the way of
seeing the future. After all, dreams can confuse as well as
illuminate. The nomadic imaginings of a youthful, active mind
cannot influence the necessary actions of a Jedi Master.
Or so I allowed Obi-Wan to believe.
On every world we visited, I sought the seers, those with the
talent to prognosticate, to anticipate the inevitable. With few
exceptions, they handed me the prospect of my own death. It
became a specter which dogged my movements, hovering just
outside of practicality, waiting to be ruefully acknowledged.
Vague details were the curse which accompanied knowledge,
giving me every tool, then snatching them from me without
preamble. I had cause to remember Master Yoda's instruction so
many times - Always in motion, the future is. Even as I
quelled Obi-Wan's fear of losing me to an as yet unseen enemy,
I wondered what power I would have to change the unfolding of
my own destiny.
Finally, I was forced to acknowledge my own lack of ability,
and I visited Master Yoda on the eve of our departure for
Naboo. He was quite surprised to see me, but he listened
patiently, just as he did when I was his Padawan. I spoke, and
he nodded sagely, blue eyes penetrating every excuse,
demolishing every defense.
I was never able to hide from my Master. No other Jedi has ever
had such total command of the Force, and I doubt any will
again. I was very fortunate to have been chosen as his Padawan
Learner. He selected me against the advice of most senior
Council members, who saw me as wild, not possessing the
necessary control to become a Jedi. He preferred to follow his
own instincts in that regard. With a simple decision, he
changed my future. I have often wished I could have sustained
his faith in me.
Master Yoda helped me to understand that much would be
determined by my belief in my Padawan's aptitude. If I pressed
an attack, knowing I would need Obi-Wan's assistance, my pride
would be my downfall. It was time for me to stop protecting
Obi-Wan, and allow him to walk his own path. I was stubborn, as
I have always been, focused on reality rather than causality,
and Yoda rapped me with his walking stick several times before
the point was driven home.
I must place as much trust in Obi-Wan as he had placed in me.
So the inescapable truth of the future collided with the
present. I faced the Sith Lord, my strength nearly gone, my
arms like leaden weights attached to my shoulders, burning and
growing heavier with every strike of the two-sided saber. I saw
Obi-Wan rushing toward me, stopped in his frantic pursuit by
the laser walls, and I spared a moment to remind myself what
was at stake. All the passion I'd denied myself, a love that
could still be with this man who ached to fight at my side,
awaited me on the other side of this struggle.
For only the second time in my life, I pulled away, conserving
my strength, putting several paces between myself and my
opponent.
I sensed my enemy's outrage that a Jedi would dare to disengage
from a match entered into with such surety, but there was more
to consider here. Obi-Wan...my decisions regarding his
readiness for the trials took him by surprise, angered him,
caused bitterness to swell within his heart. I absorbed it all,
but was so set on a course of action with Anakin that I refused
to deal with his feelings of betrayal. I should have understood
what was at the root of it, but my mind was occupied elsewhere,
my emotions swept up in irrelevancies.
I deflected, delayed, tried to stave off the worst of it,
hoping my decision would bear up under the scrutiny it was sure
to be given at some point in the future, no matter the outcome.
He beat at me, clubbing at my defenses without finesse,
knocking me half senseless before I could respond...
And then Obi-Wan was there, in front of me, taking the deadly
blow meant for me, the red glow of the Sith's saber protruding
from his shoulder blade, very near his heart. My Padawan fell
to the ground as I shouted with rage, striking true, cutting
the malevolent tattooed head from the body swathed in black,
bearing down on the satisfaction which filled me as he
collapsed lifeless to the floor.
My price to pay, not Obi-Wan's. Never his. It was not meant to
be.
I pulled Obi-Wan into my arms, gasping for breath, knowing he
would live but still afraid, of losing him, of the anger which
motivated my every move when the enemy was pursuing me. His
eyes fastened to mine, all the colors of the twilight spectrum,
clouded with pain and tears, as he tried to speak of his
unwavering love for me. I hushed him with a soft kiss, calming
what churned within him, telling him explicitly how I knew we
would never again be apart. I was immersed in sensation with
his body close to mine, alive and well; his love flooding my
soul, his concern for my welfare, his apologies for not
incapacitating the Sith before he was injured.
I carried him from that place, unwilling to surrender him to
the hands of others; saw to it his wound was dressed, healed as
much as possible, although he would let no one touch him but
me. I scooped him up and carried him once again, his arms
around my neck, until we reached these quarters so generously
allowed us by the Queen.
We talked while I applied all the strength I still possessed to
healing him. Quiet conversation, punctuated by grimaces and wan
smiles, and always the touch of my hand to his body, and his
mind to mine. It seemed effortless, and it was...together, no
longer capable of separating our will or desire. It was as Yoda
had said it would be. I simply lacked the awareness which would
have brought it about long before.
When he wakes, there will be explorations, and explanations,
and many demands which cannot be easily accommodated. I will
find a way to remain a part of his daily life, even if it means
I must forsake all I have believed. Anakin is safe among
brethren who will guide him now.
There will be a tomorrow for us all, filled with decisions
which will shape a universe. All I can see now is the mirror of
this moment, those eyes which see in mine a reflection of a
love which cannot be measured, a destiny which was anticipated
and brought about with care, a future which is more important
than any alternative.
He is my life. There is nothing else...only Obi-Wan.
Consequences be damned.
End.
7/7/99
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