Master
Apprentice  Archive
When Alone I Beweep...
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Series: Knight Moves
Summary: While on a mission, Qui and Obi have a serious discussion about the two years Qui was gone.
Category: AU, drama
Archive: Master_Apprentice, All Maul, my site http://eyrea51.com/knightlife/kmindex.html
Disclaimers: The characters and concepts are copyrighted by Lucasfilm; I'm just having a little non-profit fun.
Feedback: Is always welcome! jedi_knight_writer@yahoo.com
"Bored, Padawan?"
Qui-Gon's deep voice brought me out of my reverie, and I smiled lazily as I turned to look at him.
"Far from it," I replied, and it was the truth.
Much of my old restlessness had left me; part of it was due to settling matters at long last between myself and Qui-Gon, and part of it was due to the month-long retreat I'd gone on just after we returned from Andrigin. That mission made me realize exactly how out-of-balance I'd become and how reliant I was on other people's peace--namely Qui-Gon and Maul's--rather than on my own. I had needed to ground and center myself and find my own peace once more, and after a month of solitary meditation, I'd made a great deal of progress. That had laid the foundation I've been building on ever since, and I finally felt like I was taking my place by Qui-Gon's side as an equal partner on our missions.
"A mission such as this makes a nice change of pace," Qui-Gon said, settling himself in a nearby chair, datapad in hand; he was probably planning to read for a while, but I wanted to draw him into conversation instead.
"Yes, but..." I moved across the small common area of the quarters we were sharing and sat at his feet, leaning against his knee, facing him so that I could look up and see his face as he spoke. "Why us? Anyone could have handled this mission. Did the Council think we needed a rest?"
"Well, we have had some rather harrowing missions lately." Qui-Gon reached out and traced a fading scar--a thin line running across my forehead, a souvenir from our last mission--with his fingertip. "But that's not the only reason." He tossed the datapad on a nearby table, and I smiled, pleased with the unspoken signal that meant he was in the mood to talk for once. "Senator Deysh'an..." He paused, tilting his head a little, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "... thinks rather highly of his status. He would have considered it an insult for anyone less than the best Jedi of the Temple to escort him to Coruscant, and so..." He spread his hands and shrugged. "Here we are."
"Playing nursemaid," I added, and he chuckled.
"Your words, Padawan, not mine."
//But you were thinking them,// I teased, and his smile widened.
//Of course I was,// he replied amiably. //A puffed-up, vain little paper-pusher is a puffed-up, vain little paper-pusher no matter how he cares to style himself. But one of the pleasant aspects of this mission is that we don't have to spend a great deal of time in his company.//
I laughed aloud, amusing and a little surprised. If Qui-Gon had harbored such scathing thoughts about our missions when I had been his apprentice, he had never voiced them to me. But now it seemed he no longer bothered to censor himself, and while I was still taken aback by the unexpected flashes of acerbic wit, I was pleased as well.
//And we have a nice bit of time to relax for once.// I closed my eyes, a soothing lassitude stealing over me as Qui-Gon sifted his fingers through my hair.
"What would you like to do in our free time?" I could hear the amusement in his voice, and I knew his next words would be teasing. "Practice a few katas? Spar, perhaps?"
I gave a derisive snort but didn't bother opening my eyes, deciding to answer him in kind. "No, I'd like it much better if you told me a story."
I expected some remark about needing a nap or an offer to tuck me in or fetch me some juice and cookies, but instead, he simply replied, "Anything in particular you would care to hear about?"
Surprised, I peeked up at him to gauge how serious he was. His expression seemed to say that he'd made a genuine offer, and I thought for a moment, weighing my options before deciding to take a risk.
"Tell me about what happened while you were gone those two years," I requested. I felt him go very still, but before he could object, I continued, "I know there are some things about that time that you don't want to tell me about. You and Maul are so cute when you're protective." I flashed him a mischievous smile. "But surely there are things you can tell me, and..." I let him feel my sincerity through our bond. "And I'd like to hear about them."
"Why would you want to know about that dark time?" he asked softly.
"Because it was such a dark time in your life," I replied without even having to think about the answer first. "Because it's something that we should have faced together, but instead we ended up facing hell alone, each in a different way. As far as I know, you haven't talked to anyone about it, and you should. You've encouraged me and Maul both to be open about our worst times so that we could heal. You should do the same." I paused, a sudden thought striking me. "If you don't want to talk to me for whatever protective reasons you may have, then maybe you should talk to Maul. He'd understand better than I would anyway since he already knows what that particular darkness is like."
Qui-Gon gazed down at me for a long time, just looking at me without saying anything, his expression wavering between what seemed to be astonishment and affection. Then he cupped my cheek in his palm and shook his head. "You never cease to amaze me, Obi-Wan."
He leaned over and kissed my forehead, then settled back in his chair, lacing his fingers together and resting his hands on his stomach--a posture I knew well. Draping my folded arm across his lap, I leaned against my arm and tucked my legs up comfortably beneath me.
And I prepared to listen.
Qui-Gon drew in a deep breath and released it slowly, and his eyes were distant and unfocused, as if he were turning his sight inward. //I learned a great deal in those two years, not only about Sidious but about myself as well. I learned what it is to be truly alone. I have always thought of myself as a loner, one who does not require much in the way of social interaction, but I discovered that I need people more than I realized. I need contact with those I love.//
I thought back to my retreat and nodded understanding. I had sequestered myself away from everyone for only a month, yet I remember talking to myself during that time just to hear the sound of a voice. At least I'd had the option of speaking to Maul and Qui-Gon through our bonds if the solitude had become too much to bear, but Qui-Gon hadn't even had that security to comfort him.
//I understand now why the Order does not emphasize retreat from the world,// he continued. //Why we are taught to live in the world, not apart from it, and why we raise our children together in the nursery. A child kept isolated from others, bereft of social interaction, grows up to be someone like Maul.//
Frowning, I started to question what he meant by that, but he lifted one hand to silence me.
//I love Maul, you know this,// he reminded me, and I nodded, waiting for the explanation. //But Maul is different, and not all of it is because of his training. He has a very different way of looking at people and at social interaction. I believe much of that is due to the solitude he suffered in childhood. He saw no one but Sidious until he was nearly an adult, and when he was not with Sidious, he was completely alone. Such isolation was difficult for me as an adult. I cannot imagine what effect it must have had on a child.//
//I see your point, Master, but--// I wagged an admonishing finger at him. //--you're straying from the topic.//
//Not really.// He smiled and tweaked my nose gently. //Call it my round-about way of telling you how much I missed you, my Padawan. And how much I need you, Maede, Maul, and Anakin in my life. Even Yoda and Mace have their necessary places,// he added with a wry chuckle. //I'll try not to take any of you for granted again.//
He paused before continuing, and his eyes grew troubled. //I saw many things while following the Sith that I wish I had not. While I sought his lair, I saw only the results--the destruction and pain he left in his wake as he passed--but when I found him, when I tried to learn his plans... then I saw the causes of such devastating effects.//
As he spoke, images passed along our bond, stray memories of the horrors he had witnessed that he couldn't suppress; I doubted he intended for me to see them, and for the first time, I understood why he and Maul tried so hard to protect me from the memories they both kept locked away, hidden from my sight. The fleeting glimpses that accompanied Qui-Gon's words were enough to make me shudder, and I was horrified to think that Qui-Gon had witnessed and Maul had lived such atrocities. But they had survived their respective ordeals and come out stronger on the other side.
//It both sickens and saddens me that there is still such darkness in the galaxy, Obi-Wan. I became so caught up in my task that for a time, I felt great despair. I began to think that darkness was more pervasive and more powerful, that most people choose the darkness rather than the light because it's the easier path. I was in that state of mind when I returned to the Temple at last,// he said, his mental voice quiet and laden with regret. //Fortunately, I was able to regain some balance in my perspective.//
I offered a reassuring smile, and he returned it before beginning to speak again. //My path had brought me back to Coruscant several times before that, but as much as I wanted to, I couldn't see you. The Council was always maddeningly vague in response to the questions I asked about you, and I didn't dare risk going anywhere near the Temple lest I was recognized. Without any solid information to go on, I assumed you had moved on with your life and were happy. That's what I preferred to think, anyway, and it was devastating to learn the truth.//
//But it's all right now, Master,// I reminded him. //We've all grown and healed--we've all helped each other grow and heal. We're all right now.//
//Yes.// He nodded, his expression somber. //But the darkness is still out there, Obi-Wan. Sidious is still out there, waiting, plotting... He won't give up so easily.//
//But we don't have to deal with him right now,// I said, grinning as I saw the opportunity to remind my former Master of one of his own lessons. //Right now, you and I are on board a luxury cruiser with nothing to do except make sure the newest addition to the Senate arrives at Coruscant safely. Live in the moment, Master. Keep your concentration on the here and now, where it belongs.//
To my delight, Qui-Gon laughed, and I laughed with him, simply because I was so pleased at having given him a cause for genuine laughter.
"And so the student teaches the teacher," he said, smoothing his hand through my hair. "Well taught, Knight Kenobi. Now that you have brought my attention back where it should be, it's your turn. I should like to hear a story--perhaps about your mission to Deneb. Maul told me his version, and I would like to hear yours."
"I can only imagine what his version was like," I replied with a mock-growl.
I needed no further prompting to launch into the tale, and we spent the rest of the evening amusing each other with more humorous stories and pleasant memories of my apprenticeship. It was growing late when we finally gave in to fatigue and retired to our respective bedrooms, but even though I was tired, I lay on my bed and gazed out the window for a while longer. The blackness of space still seemed stark and endless, but just on the other side of the wall, Qui-Gon lay sleeping, and light-years away on Coruscant, Maede was working the late shift in Med; Anakin was sprawled all over his bed with the sheets bunched up, probably to be found on the floor in the morning; and Maul was stretched out on his stomach with his pillow scrunched beneath his face. Perhaps he was even dreaming of me. I gazed at the void beyond the window, letting my mind reach out and touch the vastness.
It looked empty, but it wasn't.
-end-