Behold the Jedi! - An Official Abstract With No Apologies For Extravagant Commentary

by MJ (bonarbridgemj@yahoo.com)

Series: Indirectly speaking...

Pairing: QG/OW, mostly on the sidelines...

Category: Humor, POV

Rating: PG for suspicious wordage.

Archive: Yes, please!

Warnings: Do not eat, drink or snorkel before, during or after this story.

Summary: A bit of the True Story of TPM, from One Who Should Know.

Feedback: I would love it!

Disclaimer: None of this comes anywhere near the thought processes of George Lucas, but if he should claim some kinship, I make no profit from this nor, by golly, do I claim ownership of any semi-familiar characters.

Note: Very Experimental and Highly Irreverent. And if you've never seen TPM, this is SO not the place to start...

Another Note of Some Importance: <<...words within equal LISTEN UP!...>>

And a big thank you to Linda for her delightful perspicuity.

[Okay, everybody set...? What? No no no, I'm goin' live... What run-through? Me? I don't care who wrote this, you just get the corkscrew and hurry up. I got me some screens to whammy. Man, I love this...]

~zszszszsting!~

taptaptap Hello? taptaptap Yeah, you, other side of the screen. Park those blistered fingers a sec and listen. [ahem] It has come to my attention...

Oh, heck. Hold that thought...

[Hey, come on, guys! What is this - lunch break? Attack of the thunders, please!]

rrrrruuuuummmmmmbblllee

[Thanks very much.]

Shoot. Where'd page one go... Ah, yes. That would be the one with the 1 on it.

[ahem] As I was saying...

<<HELLOOOO...>>

Ha! Get d-o-w-n... My No-Shit Voice. That's fried some panties, I can tell you...

<<THIS. IS. THE FORCE. SPEAKING!>>

Nice, huh? Draaaaama. I love it! [snerk]

So okay, since you people don't know from castinets what went down Friday week, when all your frilly little socks got pulled out the Final Furnace by my One and Onlies, it's up to me to set you straight, right? Right. So, Chat'N'Snarl is now on hold till I set the record straight.

flipflipflip

Okay, cue... <<MEEEE!>>

<<ONCE UPON A TIME IN A SILLY OLD FOREST...>>

No, wait. Wrong story.

flipflip, flip, flipflip Ah, here we go...

<<IT WAS A TIME OF GREAT DARKNESS. DOOM REARED ITS GNARLY CARBUNCLES OVER EVERY TENDER BEING WITHIN THE KNOWN GALAXY... EVIL! EVIL WAS ON THE RISE!...>>

[ahem]

<<...EVIL!!>>

Pardon me...

[Hey! Evil!]

squawk! Mwahahahahahahaaa...!

[sigh]

Okay. Truth be told, our happy little galaxy was in a really bad way. {{AND IT WASN'T MY FAULT!}} Damn right. Hey, Jedi! Get out and push, you bunch of prudish, overdressed...!

Ah. Haha. [cough] Lost my place again. flipflip It was the Sith, you know. flipflip Darng boogers just barge in like they own the place. <<YOU DON'T OWN IT AND YOU NEVER WILL!>>

Fat heads...

Excuse me. Just gotta wet the ol' whistle, gettin' a bit partchy. sip ...ahhhh

Much better.

So let's: Behold the Jedi! [snirk] Sheesh...

Behold the Jedi, our leaders in Times of Stress and Bad Pudding! Hahahaha!

No no. Behold the Jedi! Our Mighty Warriors for Peace and Justice! Pass the ammunition and hose down the women! slap slap slap Hoo hoooo! [cough] Oh, my...

Now, where'd them papers get to?

[Come 'ere! I know how to use a stapler!]

Right...

sip

<<IN THE MIDST OF THE DARK TIMES, THERE AROSE TWO HEROES, TWO MEN WHOSE TASK IT WAS TO DESTROY THE DARK FORCES SET LOOSE IN THE GALAXY.>>

Oh, yeah? Them and who else, huh?! Me! Wait a minute... <<ME!>> That's who! Damn right. [snort] Bunch 'a ninnies. "May-the-Force-be-with-you!" sip "Trust-in-the-Force!" whack! Knock knock hel-looo, did anybody bother to ask what <<MY>> plans were thank you very much?

Now where was I...

[ahem]

<<THE MIGHTY QUI-GON JINN AND HIS HANDY APPRENTICE, OBI-WAN KENOBI, WERE THE HEROES UPON WHOM RESTED THE FATE OF THE BELEAGUERED GALAXY.>>

Ha! Qui-Gon Jinn. Ever read the definition of smug?! And Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mr. Prissy Pants. What's he gonna do? "Watch out, Mr. Bad Guy, or I'll roooollll my hips at you!"

Yay.

sip <<FOR THERE AROSE FROM OUT OF THE PAST, TWO FIGURES OF INFAMY, TWO FIGURES OF THE DARK. TWO NASTY SITH!>>

Sith, dadburn it! In <<MY>> galaxy! swig Messing everything up, sticking their nasty personal selves into my business. Hey! Didn't you ever hear of the primary colors?! slurp

[Who wrote this stuff anyway...] whack [Dadburn it...]

<<AND THE HEROIC JEDI WERE CALLED TO NABOO, THE SMALL AND BEAUTIFUL. FOR THERE WOULD THE CURTAIN OPEN ON THE BEGINNING OF THE END.>>

Naboo, of all places. Naboo. I ask you! What kind 'a name is Naboo? "Hey, where ya from, fella?" scratch-scratch "Eh, Na-Boo." [snort] Naaa-boooo. Come on, pucker those lips! sip I just wanna make it perfectly clear, I had <<NOTHING>> to do with Naboo. Not the name, not the amphibious pansies...

[Ack] Okay. I'm on it...

<<WHILE ON NABOO, OUR HEROES DISCOVERED A PLOT SO NEFARIOUS, SO DASTARDLY, SO UNIMAGINATIVE, THEY WERE SHOCKED TO THE CORE.>>

We're not talking Cecile B. D'Milligan here, people. Ever hear that old proverb 'Nematodes plus money equals gimmee'? How 'bout the one that says 'Porn plus horn equals prodigious profits'?

<<TINY, BEAUTIFUL, HELPLESS, PITIFUL NABOO...>> (aackk!!) <<...WAS UNDER SEIGE, HER QUEEN TERRORIZED AND IN FEAR OF HER VERY LIFE.>>

Yeah, fill in that lip, honey! [snort] Tiny, beautiful, helpless, pitiful my eye if I had one. What, the home of Nubiles, Inc., helpless? The headquarters of Thrifty Nookie - Get It While It's Hot, pitiful?! slurp Don't gimme that...

[Hey! Where's that other bottle? And hurry it up...]

<<THE MIGHTY QUI-GON AND THE PLUCKY OBI-WAN WHIPPED THE QUEEN RIGHT OFF THE PLANET AND AWAY TO THE HORRORS OF TATOOINE, THE YUCKY AND UNERRINGLY CRYPTIFIED.>>

Oh, yeah. Better and better. Take the Queen of Nabooly-boola and plunk her down right in the middle of a chunk'a Hutts. sip Hide her right smack dab in the center of the Porn capital of the Galaxy. slurp Park her Royal Nookums not half a smirk from that smut-puckered gnart of a slime twunk who runs the place. glug

Sheesh...

[hic]

<<THERE, IN A FIT OF WHAT WAS SURELY THE COLLYWOBBLES, THE MIGHTY JINN ENTERED HIS TRUSTY PADAWAN IN A POD RACE, THE WINNER TO POSESS THE GREATEST PRIZE OF ALL.>>

whack!

Hey! taptaptap You gettin' this? Yeah, there he was, my Pride, my Joy, my expender of beautiful Capitals, rippling his fingers at a twunk 'a Blue Dart, ready to smash my favorite Twinkie against the walls of some upstart canyon, all for what?!

glug-glug-glug

<<YES! THE WHIZZOMATIC WUNDERBUBBLE PERFECT VACUU-SUCK, NOT FOUND ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE KNOWN GALAXY.>>

The man who invented that wasn't even a man! He had nine legs and six... [hic] Well, anyway, he laughed all the way to the bank! And are we suprised to know that every male creature from Rim to Ball..., eh, Hub, wanted to give it a whirl? But the Sith, oh, the Sith. glug You wanna talk horny, here? I'll show ya horny...

[Where's that digfarted penk..., pencil? Gonna show these folks some f-i-n-e hornies...]

<<FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY EXTRAPARTICULARIZEDWINDANDSANDSPARTICLESEPARATOR, OUR JEDI LOADED UP THE PRIZE AND WHISKED THE DELICATE QUEEN BACK TO HER HOME, READY TO DO BATTLE.>>

Oh yeah, oh yeah! [hic...] What's she got already? Two crazy Jedi with hiplash, a native with the tongue from Elasto Prime, two droids from Pinko's Fart and Shoppe and a Vacuu-Suck the size of a..., of a..., pack of really big sausage-ez. [hic] Now I ask you, slu-u-r-rp what kind'a schnozzolla is that?

<<NABOO WAS IN DIRE STRAITS, ITS COUNTRYSIDE OVERRUN BY TRADE FEDERATION SUV'S, ITS NATIVE SPECIES DOING DISGUSTING THINGS IN THE SWAMPS, ITS POPULACE SCREAMING ON CUE FOR THE MIRACULOUS JEDI WHO COULD DO NO WRONG.>>

We want the Jedi! We want the [hic]-farkin' Jedi!

Was that before or after the dagburdled Vacu-damned Suck?

<<THE MIGHTY QUI-GON AND HIS PLUCKY APPRENTICE LOCKED THE QUEEN IN THE NEAREST BROOM CUPBOARD TO PROTECT HER VERY EXISTENCE AND THAT OF EVERY MALE THINGY FOR TWENTY MILES AROUND.>>

Little she-khat... If I had [hic], if I had my waaaay...

Wait a sec. Don't I usually have my way...?

[hic]

Right.

[Bottle, pleeeeeze!]

<<WITH GREAT DARING AND LITTLE THOUGHT, OUR HEROES WENT IN SEARCH OF THE NEFARIOUS SITH, HAVING SMELLED THEIR ODIFEROUS ZONK UPON BREECHING THE ATMOSPHERE.>>

[Hey you pencerl... Roll you ass over here. Pronno.] [hic] [Gotta...finsh this hor..., horn, put the pernt on the tippy...wippy...]

tap, tap Now thas a Sis... Sip... Siss-th..

Smelly buggers. You know they don't jus got one dooky?

[hic]

<<IT WAS NOW OR NEVER.>>

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

<<SABERS BOBBING, BREASTS HEAVING, OUR GUYS TRACKED DOWN THEIR SLEAZY COUNTERPARTS, KNOWING THAT THE COMING BATTLE WOULD MEAN EITHER LIFE OR DEATH, LIGHT OR DARK, WIN OR LOSE. A HEFTY RAISE OR A ROARING BONFIRE.>>

What a brawrl you shoulda' been there!

<<NOTHING COULD TOUCH OUR HEROES - RIGHT THEY WENT, LEFT THEY WENT, UP AND DOWN THEY WENT! NEITHER KNAVE NOR CHURL COULD BEST THEM!>>

Lessee, lessee... First there was a thonk! [hic] Then another...one. Then a re-e-eally big zoooop! Oh, mommy in drag, I nearally wet my... [hic] ...umm... Then ol' Quigger sss... swshh... s-w-i-r-l-d-ed his swabber and coossshhh! Wormfart on that upfart of a Snith! And then...[hic]...Twinkie-pee...[weeeeee!]...went...[ahem...hic], "Oh, Mahrster mine, who izz the harnk of mai dreamsies, you done slayered the weenie!" [hic] [Thas' my boy...] "Now I sh'll wal...lop the d'crappit one and we can rock the mass-triss til it 'splodes!"

Thas' my boys...

<<AND THUS WERE THE SITH VANQUISHED FOR ALL TIME OR UNTIL NEXT WEEK, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST...>>

glug, glug, glug

Melted the varc...vicuu...[hic]...suck...

<<AND IF YOU WERE LOOKING FOR THE SMALL BLOND SQUIRT, GO AWAY AND WRITE YOUR OWN STORY...>>

[hic] Yeah...

Stomp, stomp,stomp, stomp...

<<THE JEDI ARE MARCHING ONE BY ONE, HURRAAAAH, HURRAAAAH...!>>

End.