Master Apprentice Archive Slut!Obilocks and the Three Sith Quick search:

Title: Slut!Obilocks and the Three Sith: Or Bedtime Stories for Jedi-Lovers #3

Authors: VelmaDoo (velmadoo@angelfire.com) and RavenD (ravendreams@earthlink.net)

Archive: master_apprentice, World of Pretty Boys

Author's web page: http://www.ravenswing.com/EVILTWINS

Category: Humor

Rating: R, for language

Warnings: No redeeming social value. We were bored.

Pairing: O/Q

Spoilers: none

Summary: Three evil, but cute, Sith try to catch the elusive silvered Jinn.

Notes: This is a joke. This is only a joke. If this had been a real fic, there would have been angst and a plot. Please do not panic. Many thanks to darling basinke, who not only betaed this (poor fool), but the silvered Jinn was her fault. And, as always, thanks to Darth Fi for letting us malign her character. Who loves you, babe?

Disclaimers: With humor like this, they're never gonna let us own ANYTHING. Don't sue, George.

CAST:

Slut!Qui as the elusive silvered Jinn and the lumberjack

Slut!Obi as slut!Obilocks

Darth Fi as Snarly Sith

Darth Velma as Snarky Sith

RavenD (not Raven Dunn, the other one) as Sardonic Sith

Assorted woodland creatures as assorted woodland creatures

THE STORY BEGINS:

Once upon a time in a neat little cottage way up on a hill lived the 3 Sith.

VelmaDoo: wait, not on a hill, deep in the forest

Once upon a time, in a neat little cottage, deep in the forest lived the three Sith: Snarky Sith, Snarly Sith and Sardonic Sith.

Snarky, Snarly and Sardonic lived together comfortably, spending their days eating homemade tortillas and chocolate ice cream. Their nights they spent prowling the woods searching for boytoys to bring home and torture and getting manicures from various lackeys and hangers-on. In their spare time the three Sith practiced evil and arcane arts, like clog dancing and scrying the future in their magic crystal butt plug.

VelmaDoo: Clog dancing? Is that like that Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance thingy?

RavenD: Why yes, yes it is.

VelmaDoo: **shudder** That is evil!

One night, when the moon was full (because this is a fairy-story and the moon being full is one of the rules), the three Sith decided to hunt the great silvered Jinn. Snarky wanted to capture him and molest his bod. Snarly had this fun new whip to try out and Sardonic really wanted to get her hands on his ears.

VelmaDoo: Gods, Raven, what is it with you and his ears? His butt, his eyes, that hair, those shoes! And you notice HIS EARS???

RavenD shrugs. I like his ears. Anyway...

For years they had collectively lusted after the elusive firm-arsed silvered Jinn, but alas and alack though they had tried all their tricky traps he had thus far eluded them. "What new fiendish device shall we try this time Sithsters?" Snarky posited to her evil flatmates.

Sardonic suggested a naked full moon ritual, but was quickly shouted down by the other two, reminding her that the long-haired, dulcet-toned, fuck-me-booted silvered Jinn was way into the cute little slut!Obilocks' buns and simply wasn't interested in three Dark side vixens.

"He's an idiot," replied Snarly, "to resist our womanly charms, though with slut!Obilocks roaming about I can see the temptation."

"But... but... but..." sobbed Sardonic.

"Yes, exactly, you moron," snarled Snarly. "His butt."

"...and his eyes, and that hair, and his hands...oh my"

"Someone get the smelling salts for Snarky," Snarly growled.

Sardonic muttered, "Well, what the hell are we gonna do then?"

Snarly bent and picked up a supply of glittery ribbons and frosted donuts with green sprinkles. "This is how we'll catch the hairy-chested, long-legged, strong-backed, well-hung, silvered Jinn. First, we get the ever-so-easy-to-catch slut!Obilocks, then we use him as bait. It can't fail."

Grabbing the donuts out of Snarly's hand, Sardonic tripped over a stack of batteries and a case of cotton balls. Landing on her butt, Sardonic eeped loudly and then called, "I found the hedgehog."

RavenD: Hedgehog?

VelmaDoo: Anyway...

"We're burning daylight, Ladies. I'll grab the mayonnaise and let's get going," Snarky replied with glee as she herded the others out of the house and into the trees.

Meanwhile, slut!Obilocks was merrily skipping down the path. "Tra-la-la," he sang in a random and tuneless way. Hundreds of woodland creatures stared on in fascinated horror as he was completely tone-deaf, but just too cute to ignore.

VelmaDoo: like the Star Wars stories are really about the droids. I'm starting to think our stories are really about the woodland creatures

RavenD grins... and buttplugs, Velma. Don't forget those. ;)

His bright green bicycle shorts sparkled in the moonlight (because slut!Obilocks was safety conscious and knew better than to jog in the dark without protection) and the fireflies flitted around him, lighting up their little glowing tushes, to better expose his sweet little chin and its darling little dimple.

Suddenly, slut!Obilocks heard a rustling sound behind him in the trees. "Whatever could it be?" Being not scared, but merely safety conscious, slut!Obilocks picked up the pace, resolutely not looking behind him, because he wasn't scared.

VelmaDoo whispers menacingly, "Jason...jason...jason...jason...jason... kill...kill...kill...kill...kill...kill"

The not scary, but definitely a tad concerning, noise continued, this time even closer. Were those claws tapping on the ground? Sharp teeth gnashing? The jaws that bite, the claws that catch?

RavenD: Oh, great... now we're plagiarizing Carroll, too?

VelmaDoo: Why yes, yes we are.

Slut!Obilocks looked behind him. It was dark.

Really dark.

No critters could be seen, 'cause it was dark.

RavenD: Really dark?

VelmaDoo: Yes. Really dark.

Abruptly, evil cackles erupted from the darkness, 'cause it was dark. Really dark.

RavenD: STOP IT!

Icy fingers of fear fondled their way up slut!Obilocks' sweet little sweaty thighs (lucky fingers). Slut!Obilocks jumped and zipped down the road, kicking it into high gear.

Tapping noises, cackles... it was almost too much to bear. But slut!Obilocks, being a brave and intrepid guy, continued his constitutional (at a vastly quicker than normal pace).

Out of nowhere, wafting on the wind, came a horrific scent, something that shook slut!Obilocks down to his cute little tennis socks (with the pom-poms in the back).

It was the smell of fear.

It was the smell of death.

It was the smell of unimaginable horror.

VelmaDoo: Gees Raven, it's just mayonnaise.

RavenD: Oh, right. I forgot.

It was the smell of mayonnaise.

"Oh no! Whatever will I do? That smell, that evil, Sithly smell, it is vile and vexing and very, very yucky!" he exclaimed, putting his hands to his delectable cheeks. "I must escape its oily stench." His lower lip trembled, but in a manly way. "I must find shelter, a safe haven from the horrible mayonnaise monster." Kicking it into ludicrous speed, slut!Obilocks scampered down the path.

VelmaDoo: He's gone plaid!

RavenD: Mayonnaise monster? Anyway...

In slut!Obilocks' wake a cute furry hedgehog peeked out from behind the bushes and called after the disappearing padawan, "Don't go that way! Never go that way!"

RavenD: What is with the fucking hedgehogs, Velma?

VelmaDoo: I like hedgehogs!

Looking left and right, east and west, near and far, slut!Obilocks finally spotted a not-extremely well kept, but relatively roomy for the price cottage surrounded by razor wire and saguaro cacti.

"Oh well" sighed slut!Obilocks "It ain't the Motel 6, but it'll do."

VelmaDoo: Motel 666. We'll leave a burning goat out for you.

RavenD looks at Velma... Anyway...

He looked around the cottage. "This is very well protected," he thought aloud.

"Why yes, yes it is," said a voice behind him.

He turned expecting the worst. Slowly a face emerged from the shadows. No, it couldn't be... He squinted, causing a sweet little crease to form on his forehead. Was it...

VelmaDoo: Russell?

RavenD: Unfortunately, no.

VelmaDoo: Queen Daphnedala?

RavenD: No.

VelmaDoo: Bubba and Superfly?

RavenD: No.

VelmaDoo: Carlos the llama?

RavenD: No.

VelmaDoo: Mayonaisse Monster?

RavenD: Eew! No.

VelmaDoo: Winston Churchill? Oh, he makes me hot!

RavenD: NO!

It was...a lumberjack!

"A lumberjack?" asked slut!Obilocks. "What are you doing here and is this your house and is your chest as powerful as it appears?" he asked, breathlessly.

"No, I'm not a lumberjack; this is a disguise. No, it's not my house; I'm just hiding here like you. And yes...yes it is," replied the tall handsome stranger.

"Oh," said slut!Obilocks. "I... I was startled... well, not really STARTLED because I, of course, am way macho, but there was this noise and the overwhelming smell of mayonnaise and I thought... ummm... I thought someone here might need my help. Yes, that's it... my help."

The stranger batted his eyes in a most becoming way. "Ah little one, you are as courageous as you are adorable. However may I repay your concern for my safety." The stranger batted his eyes again while surreptitiously waving his hands.

RavenD: Ah...Jedi interpretive dance...

VelmaDoo: Nope. Just the mind whammy.

Slut!Obilocks felt a warmth (like that feeling you get when a jalapeno goes down the wrong way) bloom in his chest. The stranger's eyes were... fascinating and sexy and wondrous and... Slut!Obilocks swooned.

"Oh bugger...I think I overdid it again," the very tall, very handsome stranger sighed. He hefted slut!Obilocks over his shoulder, carried him up the stairs and deposited him gently on the largest available bed.

Meanwhile, out in the forest, the three Sith were busily constructing a trap for the slim-hipped, sinewy-thighed, long-necked, hooked-nosed, flat-bellied silvered Jinn. Sardonic was in a tree, hanging by her knees, applying mayo to a long rope. Snarky was stringing donuts onto the glittering ribbons and Snarly was outlining their plan and drinking a beer.

"Alrighty, then. When the cute but dumb slut!Obilocks comes running by, what do we do again, ladies?" Snarly hollered like a surly P.E. teacher.

"Ummm... we tickle his feet?" guessed Sardonic.

"NO."

Snarky glared at Sardonic. "Moron, we set his nose hairs on fire and give him a bikini wax."

"NO," Snarly growled. "When he stops to grab a donut, we grab him. Then we tie him up with the rope and use him as bait to catch the pert-nippled, pouty-lipped, firm-jawed, lupine-eared, firm-calved, fully-bearded, tuck-waisted silvered Jinn" Snarly sighed, her friends could be so exasperating at times.

"Right," said Sardonic. "First we catch slut!Obilocks and then we let him go and catch the extremely-well-described-so-enough-already silvered Jinn."

"NO. We don't let him go, we use him as bait," Snarly snarled.

RavenD whispers to Velma... see, a clever Monty Python reference!

VelmaDoo: I got it. Keep it up.

"Yes, Snarly," Snarky nodded. "We don't let the silvered Jinn go... we use him as bait."

"No...we use slut!Obilocks for bait then we catch the silvered Jinn and NEVER let him go. What are you stoopid?"

"We let the stupid slut!Obilocks go?" wondered Sardonic. "But what about the Jinn?"

"One more time...we catch slut!Obilocks, then we use him as bait to catch the silvered Jinn and we DON"T LET ANYONE GO!"

Snarky looks seriously at Sardonic. "Right. Listen to Snarly. First, we catch them, then we let them go, like sports fishing."

"No problem!" bubbled Sardonic.

"No...we don't let anyone go...ever...we're evil...evil never lets anyone go."

Sardonic blinked. "We're evil?"

"Yes, evil to the bone" replied Snarly with an (well, let's face it) evil gleam in her eye.

Sardonic looked at Snarky, "You didn't say anything about evil when I signed the lease!"

"You're a Darth for Sith's sake, I assumed you knew you were evil already. Now get over it and let's get on with the plot." Snarly replied maliciously.

"Yes, ma'am... and since I'm evil. QUIT FUCKING BOSSING ME AROUND, YOU BITCH!" Sardonic said, definitively.

"That's my girl...you make me so proud sometimes. If I wasn't evil, I'd cry." Snarly lovingly smacked Sardonic about the head and shoulders.

Snarky raised her hand, "No time for fun, girls... I think I hear something..."

Three evil, yet surprisingly cute, heads turn in unison to peer into the underbrush...

Meanwhile, back at the cottage, our mysterious stranger was busily lapping cute little beads of sweat off slut!Obilocks' manly, but hairless, chest, hoping to wake him from his swoon at some point.

"Wake up, my pretty one," he crooned tunefully (because unlike slut!Obilocks he can carry a tune...even without handles on it) between laps. "Wake up and I'll give you a BIG surprise."

Slut!Obilocks was having this interesting dream where he was covered in honey and chocolate sauce while tied to a officially sanctioned basketball hoop when he heard a mesmerizing voice calling him to wakefulness.

"Please my nummy one, please open those hazel...no green...no cerulean orbs I long to look into again," the very very tall, very very handsome stranger pleaded with the semi-conscious stud muffin.

RavenD: Cerulean blue is like a cool breeze...

VelmaDoo: Wrong fandom!

RavenD: Oops, sorry 'bout that... two, three, four...

Slut!Obilocks opened his green-blue-grey-hazel eyes slowly, peering directly into the glowing soul-windows of this, oh-so-terribly-familiar stranger. "Wh-what happened, gorgeous, compelling stranger?" he asked.

"You swooned, you adorable, bite-sized morsel." the stranger replied "And I carried you here to this lofty (dirty-clothes strewn and Bon Jovi postered) bower."

Slut!Obilocks crinkled his nose, in a particularly fetching way, as he kicked a load of semi-clean laundry off the end of bed. "Is this your cottage, stranger?" he asked, picking up a tiger-striped bra and a t-shirt which said "Sith Lords Do It In The Dark!"

"No, dearest heart," the stranger asked with concern given that he had explained all this before. "This is not my home. Are you sure you are feeling well, my little huggle bear?"

"Oh, yeah..." slut!Obilocks muttered, glaring at the narrator for making him look stupid AGAIN, "I was just checking." To distract the stranger, slut!Obilocks stretched, making sure his shorts rode up.

The (insert string of very verys) tall and handsome stranger sighed wistfully and smiled at his newfound love. "Who cares that he's not the brightest lightening bug in the swarm. He's adorable and mine all mine," he thought.

VelmaDoo: are we getting anywhere near the smut yet?

Slut!Obilocks grinned to himself, "Dearest newfound friend whose name I don't yet know but who I am utterly enamoured with, I have a cramp... in my thigh... could you, maybe, help me out?"

RavenD: ask and you shall receive

"Why yes, my sweetie pumpkin." The stranger stooped over to retrieve a short, blue, fuzzy, terry cloth robe from the floor. "You will have to remove your adorable green bicycle shorts so I can reach the muscle. However, this should preserve your fragile modesty."

Slut!Obilocks blinked, "Modesty? Wha... oh yeah, my modesty. If you'll just turn your back, I'll take a good look at your as... I'll change. Oh, do you think there's any oil around here? Oiling sore muscles is always good."

"I'll see if I can find some while you change" the muscular, but clueless stranger replied. Slut!Obilocks sighed to himself, his eyes following the stranger's ass out the door.

"Remember, dearest,"

"Yes, my darling?"

"No mayonnaise."

VelmaDoo: STOP IT!

RavenD whines... but I hate mayonnaise!

Meanwhile, back in the forest, the three Sith were getting really cranky after being interrupted in their snare-making by three owls, a family of opossums, an armadillo with a runny nose, a snake named Barry and a wandering wolverine. Sighing in frustration our no longer so intrepid evil heroines packed their various and sundry Jinn traps and trudged toward home.

"This was a stupid idea" muttered Snarky.

"I told you we should've danced nekkid in the moonlight," fussed Sardonic

"Shoulda stayed inside where its warm and dry and there are no, I repeat no, horny near-sighted opossums" snarked Snarly.

"Not only that," the girls complained, in unison. "The beer didn't stay cold!"

Woodland creatures dove for cover in their wake as the sulky Sith Lords slowly made their way home.

Making various cranky and dissatisfied noises, the Sith turned the corner and noticed their gate was gaping open. "What the fuck!" exclaimed Snarly.

"Which one of you knotheads forgot to lock it this time?" demanded Snarky.

"It wasn't me!" exclaimed Sardonic. "Snarly was driving me before her with the cattleprod."

"I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything," Snarly responded with an ugly glare for her fellow Sith.

"Let's go see who's here!"

Sardonic and Snarly ran perkily, but still menacingly, toward the house, while Snarky locked the gate behind them. "And no I'm not being practical...I'm blocking their escape," she said, to no one in particular.

Sardonic opened the door quietly, pretending she was an extra on one of those great cop shows. She looked all around the front room, but all she could see was the glare of computer monitors, pictures of naked men, empty pizza boxes and a sculpture of a water buffalo.

"Someone's been reading my smut," said the Snarly Sith.

"Someone's been checking my email," said the Snarky Sith.

"Someone's been manipulating my photos, and they got the color correction wrong!" cried the Sardonic Sith. "When I find 'em I'm gonna hurt 'em...nobody should be allowed to do that to poor Russell Crowe."

The three Sith wound their way into the kitchen, avoiding the rubble. Snarky peered in, noting the filled dishwasher and the opened cabinets, exposing the collection of 18th century bedpans.

"Someone's been reheating my 3 day old pizza," said the Snarly Sith.

"Someone's been using my Flintstones glasses," said the Snarky Sith.

"Someone's been using my popcorn oil and it's all gone!" said the Sardonic Sith.

Thoroughly pissed, Snarly Sith led the procession up the stairs to the bedroom.

"Someone's been wearing my tiger-striped bra" said the Snarky Sith.

"Oh...that was me...my bad" said the Snarly Sith.

"Someone's been having wild monkey sex in our bed... and they're still here!" Sardonic Sith howled with glee.

"Grab 'em" Snarky shouted...and all hell broke loose.

Sardonic, furious that her favorite fuzzy robe was being despoiled, jumped on top of slut!Obilocks and put him in a head lock.

"Smarmy bitches," slut!Obilocks screamed.

"Fuckwit," Snarly replied.

Snarly and Snarky grabbed the silvered Jinn (don't tell me you hadn't guessed) and attached him to the bedposts with that handy mayonnaise covered rope we mentioned earlier.

"We've got you now Jinn, you might as well give up and let us have our way with you," cried Snarky.

"Never" the Jinn replied.

"You're the elusive, firm-arsed ,long-haired, dulcet-toned, fuck-me-booted, hairy-chested, long-legged, strong-backed, well-hung, slim-hipped, sinewy-thighed, long-necked, hooked-nosed, flat-bellied, pert-nippled, pouty-lipped, firm-jawed, lupine-eared, firm-calved, fully-bearded, tuck-waisted silvered Jinn?" slut!Obilocks asked in awe.

"Why yes...yes I am, but my friends all call me slut!Qui."

VelmaDoo: I've been waiting forever to use that line

"Why I have waited my entire life to catch one glimpse of your silveredness," slut!Obilocks gushed.

The three Sith, feeling nauseated by the number of adjectives oozing from the slut!Jedi, began growl threateningly.

"You meanies," squealed slut!Obilocks adorably. "Don't get all pouty and obnoxious just because we have found true love. We can't help it if we're just naturally nice."

RavenD: And long-winded...

Snarky Sith retched.

Snarly Sith passed out.

Sardonic Sith grabbed slut!Obilocks' ass because, after all, she was still pissed about the popcorn oil.

VelmaDoo: You better believe it.

Anyway, slut!Obilocks cried out in alarm, but not too much alarm because Sardonic was cute too in her own way and, well, slut!Qui didn't seem to be too eager to help and maybe he liked to watch and slut!Obilocks wanted to make him happy.

Slut!Obilocks' cries roused the remaining Sith who decided that the silvered Jinn needed help adjusting to his new environment.

RavenD wonders... what happens next?

VelmaDoo: here's where we break out the sex toys, scare people and then live happily ever after....go with it

RavenD: ok... here comes the wrap up

Slut!Obilocks spent the next twelve years working off his popcorn oil theft in the basement, washing Sardonic Sith's socks and performing sexual acrobatics to her general amusement.

The great silvered Jinn became a permanent resident in the upstairs bathroom, where he was handcuffed to the towel bar and showered daily.

Sardonic Sith finished her apprenticeship with outstanding marks and went on to rule a sizable chunk of the known universe.

Snarky Sith mourned the wearing of her bra, but decided she had a calling as a whip designer and made a small, but handy, fortune.

Snarly Sith eventually got bored and took her unique brand of humor on the road where she reigns supreme as the galaxy's leading stand-up comic.

VelmaDoo: And the woodland creatures...what happened to them?

They drilled a hole in the cottage and started charging members of the Jedi Council $5 a minute to peek.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The end