Master Apprentice Archive Bedtime Stories for Jedi-Lovers #2 Quick search:

Archive: master_apprentice, World of Pretty Boys

Author's web page: http://www.ravenswing.com/EVILTWINS

Category: Humor

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: No redeeming social value. We were bored.

Pairing: O/Q, Carlos/Tippi

Spoilers: none

Summary: Qui rescues Obi from a tall tower, smut ensues.

Notes: This is a joke. This is only a joke. If this had been a real fic, there would have been angst and a plot. Please do not panic.

Disclaimers: With humor like this, they're never gonna let us own ANYTHING. Don't sue, George.

CAST:
Slut!Qui as our conquering hero
Carlos the Llama as his trusty steed
Slut!Obi as the fair maid...Jedi trapped in the tall tower
Tippi the Alpaca and assorted woodland creatures as his only friends
Special Guest Appearance by Yoda as the Elevator Operator

PROLOGUE:

Once upon a time, Velma and RavenD were bored, very bored. It was late, really late and they were telling yet another bedtime story. You poor people are their vict...errr... happy listeners. (Run while you still can!)

THE STORY BEGINS:

Okay... there once was a slut!Jedi named Obi, who lived all alone in the tallest tower of the Jedi temple. Obi was very, very lonely. And very very horny.

RavenD: Yes, that too.

One day, Obi was staring forlornly out the window, wishing someone would come along so he could have a playmate...someone to love, someone to talk to, someone to tie him to the bed and beat him.

The beautiful slut!Obi sighed and that wish was blown out upon the whispering wind, being carried across the fields and meadows to a certain ear that was listening.

Far to the East the extremely sexy Slut!Qui lay dreaming beside a babbling stream. He startled awake as he heard a faint voice whisper..."I need a man..."

"A really BIG man..."

"A really BIG man with long hair and a tan..."

VelmaDoo cackles...you call that a tan

"A manly man in the height of his manliness..." A man whose manliness supercedes all other 'nesses that he could have...

Slut!Qui jumped to his feet, chest puffed out and arms akimbo..."I could be that man," he proclaimed.

VelmaDoo loves that word...akimbo

Hopping on his trusty steed, Carlos the Llama, slut!Qui headed off, against the wind ('cause that's where the whisper floated in on). His long tresses flew behind him on the wind like....windblown hair.

RavenD: It's stunning how that works.

VelmaDoo: why yes...yes it is

Anyway, Carlos the Llama and slut!Qui traveled and traveled, seeing mountains and valleys and rivers and lakes and Las Vegas. But alas and alack, though slut!Qui propositioned every man he met, none was his love (who he had never met but was now obsessed with) and the voice remained, whispering in his ear.

"O poor me!" he exclaimed, with a manly sigh. "What am I to do? Where is my beloved? My whispering passion? My hugglebuns?"

Far to the West (but not too far 'cause we want Qui to find him soon) Slut!Obi felt his beloved's (yes beloved because even though they've never met and he doesn't know Qui at all he can FEEL him coming) anguish and sent all his hope and desire out to him...trying to call him to him. (wow that's a lot of pronouns)

Slut!Qui gasped (but in a manly way) as the warm and fuzzy wave of love surrounded him, feeling much like those footed pajamas you wear around Christmas-time. "I'm coming, my dearest darling!" he whispered, knowing in his heart of hearts that his sweety-pie was waiting.

Slut!Qui closed his eyes and concentrated like he'd never concentrated before trying to feel his way to his love...suddenly his body twirled like a pinwheel, round and round and round til he suddenly stopped, his "manly parts" pointing straight West like an arrow. "My love, you have shown me the way to you and I am coming soon." <snigger>

Meanwhile, slut!Obi was frantically preparing his bower for the arrival of slut!Qui, a.k.a. weathervane boy. He dusted, he changed the sheets, he put the lube in a sweet little ceramic pot, he cleaned out his navel lint. Looking around, he smiled. All better.

As slut!Obi surveyed his work a plot device suddenly reared its ugly head...how would his beloved reach him in his high tower "Oh no" slut!Obi exclaimed "whatever shall we do?"

Slut!Obi pondered and pondered. He tried to dangle his dangly bits out the window... nope, they were long, but not THAT long. Slut!Obi cried manfully "Oh if only the Jedi council didn't insist on this silly haircut I would have long luxurious hair to lower down to him. Life is soooo unfair."

Suddenly, slut!Obi had an idea!

Leaning out the window, he whistled a lovely little song and within moments tons of wide-eyed, shiny nosed, woodland critters gathered around the base of the tower. In his loneliness slut!Obi had befriended the furry folk and taught them ever so many lovely. neato tricks. Like, how to tumble and tap-dance and sing in four-part harmony and HOW TO STACK THEMSELVES AS LIVING PYRAMIDS...hooray!

RavenD: hooray!

VelmaDoo: yes...hooray!

So, whistling gently and directing with his braid, slut!Obi convinced the happy little critters to build a pyramid... hedgehogs on the bottom, voles at the top.

Just as his furry buddies reached the top of the tower they were startled by the arrival of slut!Qui who picked just that moment to come thundering over the nearest hill. He careened into the bottom rung and the pyramid collapsed on top of him like one of those rigged carnival games that no one ever wins at (only different 'cause this time the stacked objects actually fell).

"Oh my!" slut!Obi exclaimed, stunning hands covering his breathtaking cheeks. "My beloved! Are you okay?" Leaning far out of the window, slut!Obi could see slut!Qui's firm and sensuous ass sticking up, a confused hedgehog perched upon it. There was no sign of Carlos the Llama.

Slut!Qui shook himself free of the frightened, flustered furballs and called to his love "Ummm...you are the one for whom I have seeked...no saught...no searched lo these many months. Please say you are he..." slut!Qui implored (but in a manly way)

The ever-so-charming slut!Obi spread out his arms (trying to express his deep and abiding love and desire), "Yes! Yes, I am he!"

Suddenly, a baby bird perched upon slut!Obi's head, tipping his balance and sending him tumbling down. (Eek!)

Slut!Qui tried to wade through the mass of writhing critters desperately trying to reach his newfound love in time to break his fall. "Oomph" he exclaimed as he tripped over a ferret and slammed to the ground. "Noooooo!!!" he screeched.

"Eeeeeeee!" slut!Obi squealed, in an incredibly manly way. Suddenly he remembered, "Hey! I'm a fucking Jedi!" and caught himself using the Force, because, after all, that's one of the benefits of being a Jedi.

VelmaDoo groans...damnit Raven I was setting it up for Carlos the llama to break his fall

RavenD: oops hold on

"Eeeeeeee!" slut!Obi squealed, in an incredibly manly way. "Slut!Qui! Beloved! Catch me! Please! Damnit man, get your ass up!"

"Don't you yell at me, young man. Fuckin' mouthy Padawan. Can't you do something about these pathetic lifeforms...Beloved Dearest Sweety Pumpkin. I'm doing my very best under difficult circumstances and you could cut me a little slack," slut!Qui called back.

VelmaDoo mutters...good thing this is a REALLY tall tower

"Well, jeez, I'd think you'd care enough about me to at least try. I mean, honestly, I wished for you and everything! You are so mean, calling me names! I thought you and I had something special. Oh, wait! You're my beloved! We do have something special! We can work it out, Studmuffin!" slut!Obi wailed.

RavenD agrees... REALLY REALLY tall fucking tower

"I am so sorry dearest and I promise to try harder to take your feelings into account, as well as trying harder to get away from these evil bunnies. Just keep faith dearest and our love shall prevail." slut!Qui proclaimed. (yup his arms are akimbo again)

RavenD whispers to Velma... am I still aiming for the llama?

VelmaDoo whispers back...yup...I just haven't decided yet whether he's only wounded or if he gave his life in the service of true love

RavenD: oh, ok

"I have faith. I have faith. I have faith. Please let someone fuckin' catch me. I have faith. I have faith." slut!Obi whispered, hands folded together in a semblance of prayer, but it's not really prayer because he's an agnostic Ba'hai witch druid.

VelmaDoo nudges Raven...that boy's got all his bases covered

RavenD: why yes, yes he does.

Meanwhile back on the ground slut!Qui is fighting frantically against a wave of woodchucks while muttering frantically to himself "You can do it slut!Qui, there are no furballs, there is only the Force."

VelmaDoo: get the point...he's frantic

Meanwhile, Carlos the Llama slowly extricated himself from underneath a pair a pissed off woodchucks and a beaver with hemorrhoids. Looking up with glowing, loyal eyes, he saw his beloved owner's dearest love falling.

RavenD suddenly notices that Velma had written woodchucks previously and the pissed woodchucks morph into aggravated badgers.

VelmaDoo: ok

"Oh Carlos" he thought to himself, "here is your chance to show your master how much he means to you. How much you appreciate the years of tender care he has given you. How much you enjoyed his attention on those cold, lonely nights..."

The llama set his lips together firmly, but cutely and sprang up, assorted vermin falling from his coat. Like a... well, like a llama, he rushed to the tower, calculating slut!Obi's trajectory with astounding accuracy.

Luckily for slut!Obi little did the world know that llamas have untapped natural talent in projecting the trajectory of falling objects. The fortunate slut!Obi landed on Carlos with a dull thud.

"Ugh." said slut!Obi.

"Ouch," said Carlos.

"Eep," said slut!Qui. "My poor dear, are you all right?" he asked.

"I'm fine" replied slut!Obi.

"I meant Carlos, you twit," said slut!Qui.

VelmaDoo: dang you beat me to it

RavenD: :)

"But I am glad you are unharmed as well my love." slut!Qui whispered breathily.

"Oh, okay, my muscle-bound love monster," whispered slut!Obi.

"Will you get off my back?" grumbled Carlos.

VelmaDoo: wow...a talkin' llama

RavenD: it's a fairytale, he did math, too

"Oh sorry my trusty and faithful steed." replied slut!Qui. "What can I do to repay you for saving my love?"

Carlos pondered. "I would like a manicure and a case of mandarin oranges, please."

"I think I have some oranges in the fridge upstairs" said slut!Obi. "Follow me around back and we can take the elevator up and go check."

"Elevator?" said slut!Qui.

"Elevator?" said Carlos.

"Elevator?" screeched the hundreds of pissed and wounded woodland critters.

"Yeah, How do you think the barber got up there to give me this stupid haircut every month?"

Slut!Qui sighed to himself. His beloved was cute, but not too bright. Leaning down to whisper in Carlos' ear, he said "He'd better be hung like a horse."

Poor Carlos was devastated, given that he was only hung like a llama, but resolved to keep a stiff upper lip and soldier on making his master's life more pleasant in whatever small way he could, hoping that someday his master would understand.

Slut!Obi, being dumb as a stump but having a really kind heart, suddenly perked up, ever so cutely. "Carlos! Have you met my bestest friend, Tippi the Alpaca?"

"But I didn't see any Alpaca's in the pyramid" replied Carlos.

"Oh she's not a very stackable Alpaca, but she's really sweet and has a great sense of humor," slut!Obi told the now considerably more perked up Carlos. "She's in the barn, out back, doing the Sunday crossword puzzle and waiting for her coat to dry. She's finicky that way."

Slut!Obi pointed toward the barn and Carlos scampered away to meet his new friend.

Noting that his faithful llama was perkier, slut!Qui gathered his beloved up in his arms. "Point me towards the elevator, you nummy package of gooey goodness!"

"It's around the back of the tower" slut!Obi managed to whisper before he swooned from all the manliness oozing from his beloved.

Slut!Qui took one step and then another before becoming utterly overcome by the love and desire and warmth and musky scent of the precious little bundle. "I must have you... must share my love, yes, my love with your hot little bod," he groaned, in a sweet, yet masculine way.

Slut!Qui gently slapped his love muffin "Dearest snugglebunny, you must wake up or we can't have wild monkey sex in the elevator".

"Oh, yes. Elevator sex... got it..." slut!Obi muttered as slut!Qui continued around the tower, avoiding the assorted critters and only stepping on four acorns and a spoiled pecan.

Slut!Qui reached the elevator and shifted slut!Obi to one side so he could press the button. He tapped his foot impatiently and whistled tunelessly while he waited for the car to arrive...finally...ding! Slut!Qui couldn't believe the sight that greeted him when the elevator doors opened.

RavenD: It was a giant moose and three tap dancing hippopotami?

VelmaDoo: nope...that's not very sexy AT ALL. Then again I guess the moose could be for comparison purposes ...as in "hung like a..."

RavenD: ok... how about this...a three-foot tall laughing sunflower wielding a singing sword?

VelmaDoo: no

RavenD: hmmm...

VelmaDoo: you are not helping us wend out way toward smut dear

RavenD: A chocolate covered gladiator holding a magic crystal butt plug?

VelmaDoo: we have a winner!

RavenD: woohoo!

VelmaDoo: neat...a crossover story, possibly even a sequel. Honestly, what IS in the elevator?

RavenD: hmmm.... Fred the Wonder Dog?

VelmaDoo: no

RavenD: a Venezuelan tango master?

VelmaDoo: a cute little elevator operator-wearing nothing but one of those little hats

RavenD: and a collar

VelmaDoo: and thigh high boots and glitter?

RavenD: okay... so, whose line is it?

VelmaDoo: I'm thinking there has to be something in the elevator to keep then amused on the long ride up

VelmaDoo: like a rack?

VelmaDoo: or a hot tub?

RavenD: oooh...

VelmaDoo: or a squash court?

RavenD: or a mud wrestling pit?

VelmaDoo: a vat of blue jello?

RavenD: ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

RavenD scrolls back up...

Slut!Qui couldn't believe the sight that greeted him when the elevator doors opened -- a vat of blue jello! "Yippee!" exclaimed slut!Qui

"Slut!Obi...dearest...why is there a tub of blue jello in your elevator?" asked the bemused Slut!Qui.

"Ummm... well... I use it to practice." murmured slut!Obi.

"Practice what sweetie darlin?" growled Slut!Qui in an amusingly mock-jealous way.

Slut!Obi blushed adorably. "I practice my routine for the All-Around Jello Floorshow Championships held in Reno every January.

"I work really hard every year and every year I come in second to that horrible woman from Lubbock with the extra arms. This year I'm not wasting a second of time. Every minute brings me closer to my goal. I will be a jello floorshow champion...I promise it." replied Slut!Obi with adorable conviction.

"And I will support you, dearest love of mine, 200%, even though we both know that doing anything more than 100% is mathematically impossible. Together we will train and stretch and thrust and spin and whirl and pinch and caress until you are invincible!" slut!Qui exclaimed passionately and with equal conviction.

"Ye gods he's cute, but he's gullible," thought slut!Obi "Oh well, whatever gets him naked in the jello"

Slut!Qui yanked off his garments, revealing his ever-so-manly heaving bosoms...err pecs... and held out his arms to his love. "Shall we... jello-wrestle, my slutty one?"

Slut!Obi swooned again momentarily, but in a manly way, but managed to pull himself together and rip off his own clothes revealing his smooth, glistening (hairless) chest. "Ain't nothin' between you and me, but air and opportunity, honeybunny. Let's rock"

RavenD grins at Velma... that was inspired

VelmaDoo: I think you misspelled insipid there Raven ;)

Together the manly and beautiful boys moved through the jello, squishing it through their toes and other sundry body parts. The slippery substance covered the nummy bodies and, as the jello began to melt under the heat of their passion, the elevator reached the top floor.

"Top floor...satin bedding, ladies' lingerie, rope, whipped cream...everybody out" proclaimed the cute, naked and underutilized elevator operator.

"This is our stop!" exclaimed the not-even-breathing-heavily slut!Obi, with a happy grin. Slut!Obi grabbed slut!Qui's hand and pulled him along as he bounced out of the elevator. The vista that greeted slut!Qui's eyes made him swallow hard...what had he gotten himself into?

The room was astounding! Bright pink plastic bondage equipment hanging from the ceiling. A heartshaped bed with purple satin bedsheets. Multiple mannequins wearing lace teddies. An entire rack of sparkly feather boas. And, best of all, a full-sized handmade replica of the Gutenberg bible!

VelmaDoo: the bible? where did that come from?

RavenD: I don't know... having UT museum flashbacks?

VelmaDoo: didn't know they had feather boas there...learn something new every day

RavenD: I'm a wealth of information.

VelmaDoo: get it right...a wealth of useless information ;)

RavenD: Oh. right.

RavenD pokes Velma... your line

Slut!Obi clapped his hands together and began to rub them vigorously as he looked slut!Qui over from top to toe "Where to begin...where to begin?" Suddenly a lightbulb came on over slut!Obi's head "I know...the green velvet ought to be just your size and it will accessorize so well with your ligthsaber. Goodie!"

Slut!Qui grinned happily. "Sweety pumpkin, dearest love, wouldn't it be a good idea to get the sticky jello off us BEFORE we play with the toys?"

"Oh, no need, Everything is space age plastic...washes clean ever so easily" replied slut!Obi.

VelmaDoo: I've always wanted to use the phrase "space age plastic"

"Goodie!" twinkled slut!Qui. "In that case, hand me the cock rings and the rubber gloves and let's get it on!"

"Not so fast, sweetiepie honeybunch. Who died and left you in charge? You're on my turf now, so up against the wall and spread 'em," growled slut!Obi in cute and not too menacing way, 'cause let's face it, he's just too damn cute.

Slut!Qui grabbed slut!Obi and slung him over his shoulder. "Don't growl at me! I'm the Master! And besides, I'm bigger and stronger." He threw slut!Obi onto the bed, where he bounced, adorably.

"Judge me by my size do you? There's a ruler in the top drawer of the bedside table...whip it out and we'll settle who's bigger once and for all. We can post the results on the 'net and settle a lot of arguments and maybe even make some quick cash," slut!Obi retorted saucily.

"Fine!" Slut!Qui turned towards the bedside table only to be tackled by his beloved, who quickly and efficiently handcuffed him to the leg of the bed. (Yes, it should be the bedpost, but that's overused.)

Slut!Obi raked his fingernails up and down slut!Qui's back, humming to himself as he pondered his next move. Finally he leaned forward and whispered in slut!Qui's ear "I've got you now you naughty boy. Beg me please and maybe I'll just use the squash racquet instead of the barbed wire."

"Do your worst, you little minx, you." slut!Qui chuckled, quickly undoing the handcuffs with the Force, which is a handy damned skill to have during sex games. Slut!Obi went to find the squash racket, but instead found himself pressed against the wall, hot sweaty slut!Qui at his back.

"Hey, that's no fair! You wouldn't use the Force to save me from certain death, but you'll use it to get out of handcuffs. Don't you love me?" whined slut!Obi ('cause he's a Light sider and they whine sometimes). "Don't you want me to beat you and cover you in whipped cream and leave you bleeding and unconscious? It would make me happy. Don't you want to see me happy?"

With a well-aimed thrust (which is feasible because this is a fairy-story and lube is pre-assumed) and a hardy grope (because they're ALWAYS hard, right?), slut!Qui effectively stopped the whining of the cute little slut!Obi.

"Oh!" squeaked the surprised slut!Obi. "Ok, that'll work instead"

"Yes. Yes it will," murmured the ever-so-happy and perpetually aroused slut!Qui.

VelmaDoo: ok, I spose this is where he has to thrust three times (and no more or less than three) right?

RavenD nods sadly... I think there's a law

Slut!Qui thrust into his beloved slut!Obi once...twice...three times and they both came spectacularly, loudly, (despite the fact that slut!Obi was only dry humping the wall), and most importantly simultaneously. Which is, of course, the sign of true love.

RavenD looks around. This is where we stick the happily ever after part.

VelmaDoo: oh...ok

RavenD: I'll take the boys, you do the llamas or vice versa?

Slut!Obi beamed up at slut!Qui and murmured sleepily "Let's go cuddle"

Slut!Qui beamed down at slut!Obi and replied, "Yes, my snuggle tush. Whatever you want."

They slipped between the sumptuous purple satin sheets and sank slowly into somnolescence. While downstairs in the barn, the llama and the alpaca learned to mambo.

They all lived happily ever after...except for the hemorrhoidal beaver that was too short to reach the Preparation H at the drug store.

End