Master Apprentice Archive Bed of Lies Quick search:

Rating: R, for bad language

Archive: MA, anyone else, please ask.

Series: None

Categories: Angst

Pairings: Q/O, Q/FC (implied)

Feedback: I'll take the good, the bad or the ugly. Just off list please.

Summary: Obi-Wan comes to grips with something painful.

Spoilers: None

Warnings: There is a Female Character in this. If you don't wanna think of your boys like this, turn back now.

Disclaimers: I don't own them. I could never own them. Please don't sue.

Author's Notes: I want to thank Emu first and foremost. She gave me the idea WAY back in the day when the list was talking about cheating. She told me if I didn't like it, write it myself. So I did. And this is the result.

I also want to thank Flippy and Emu for the beta work. They're both wonderful! This story wouldn't be nearly as polished without their help.

It's funny what a person can fail to see. I guess the saying "your focus determines your reality" really is true. Looking back, it was glaringly obvious what was going on. I must have been blind not to see it. Everything was there, the smiles, the shared looks when they thought no one was looking. The way he wouldn't take my hand at times when we were in public. He was never big into public displays of affection but he would at least take my hand when we were in the Temple. Looking back, I realize that every time he wouldn't take my hand, she was there. Then there was the way he went on and on about that.whore.

Well that sounds undiplomatic, but it's the way I feel. It's probably unfair as well, after all, I don't know who started the whole thing. It just makes it easier to deal with if I think of him as being seduced and given no choice. Which isn't what happened either, but I didn't ask for details. In fact, I really didn't need any. The image that is seared into my brain and replays every time I close my eyes is enough. Light and Dark, Male and Female. I would have commented on the aesthetics if it wasn't for the fact that it was _my_ lover, ­_my_ mate in that bed.

What's worse, although finding the man you pledge to spend forever with forsaking all others in bed with someone else wasn't bad enough, I knew. I knew something was going on, the way he talked about her, telling me all about her. I knew it was something more than friendship. He talked about her like you would a new crush. It's hard to explain, it's something that you just _know_. Did I do anything about these feelings? No, and you know why? Because I convinced myself that I was being paranoid. That he would never cheat on me. Force, I was so stupid! I'm a Jedi! I'm supposed to rely on my feelings in the Force. But I was so sure.

I don't hate him. I want to, Force only knows how badly I want to, but I can't. I still love him. What's worse if he says the right words I'll stay in a heartbeat. That angers me the most. The fact that after all the shit he's put me through, after everything he did, I would stay if he but asked.

I stare down at the small collection of vegetables and meat that is spread in front of me. I know what this makes, but why? Why the hell am I making his favorite meal? Why am I even cooking for him? I should make my favorite meal for once. I should, but I find I don't have much of an appetite.

There is a small, but growing part of me that says to pack everything up and leave. Transfer to another Temple, take a long-term undercover assignment with slavers or go to the Rim. Anywhere but here when he returns. I could do it, and I would avoid all the pain that I know would come if I were still here. And there is that little part of me that would love to see him confused by my absence and forced to explain why in front of the Council. But I won't, for one simple reason. Running away implies that I did something wrong. That this whole thing is all my fault! And it isn't.

Is it?

The water on the heater is boiling. I add in the meat and give it a little stir. The meat should be cooked through by the time I have the rest ready. By the time he comes home.

I know what my friends would say, but they're my friends. They're supposed to make me feel better. I know what his friends will say, but then they're his friends. When did it become his friends and mine? When did I start dividing things down the middle? When did friends simply become objects to be split?

Looking down, I wonder if we're going to be able to taste the vegetables at all. Such little tiny pieces. I got little a carried away, I think. I'll have to stop that if we want to have any dinner at all. It helps. Having something to chop into bitty little pieces, since I'm pretty sure they would frown on me doing it to him.or her. Never thought I'd be one to indulge in random violence, but this helps. It takes my mind off it.

I shouldn't indulge in violence. It's a step to the Dark Side according to Master Yoda. I should know better. I can't seem to help myself. It feels _good_ to indulge myself like this.

I know just what he'll say. He'll tell me that it didn't mean anything. That I am the only one he truly loves. That he'll stop seeing her if I demand it. He'll make it sound as if it was only physical, that there was no emotion behind it. He was so lonely without me. He only thought of me as he was shagging her.

And if I let him, he'll convince me of that.

Fine thing to say now. Like he hasn't been playing me for a fool for however long. I wonder if he was ever faithful. Maybe he never meant to keep the vows we recited to each other. Maybe all he saw was a lovesick fool that would look the other way, or not look at all when it came to his infidelity. A cheap plaything to be shelved when he got bored. I'll show him a cheap plaything!

I'll castrate him. I have a lightsaber and I'd love to see him try to fuck anyone if it's gone. There wouldn't even be any blood to clean up afterwards. Or I'll let it slip that he's contracted some incurable sexually transmitted disease. Something with rashes or warts. Or both. And, there is always that holo recording...

It's funny. He still has no idea that I know. He was too.shall we say occupied, to notice little old me. Regardless of the fact that I was standing there with my mouth hanging open for a good five minutes.

I turn slowly, seeing the kitchen as if for the first time. It's clean, immaculate. When did that happen? Did I do that, or did he?

Then again, he never did care about my feelings. Always dismissing my concerns. Why should it surprise me that he's catting around?

Shaking my head, I go into the common room. I curl up on the couch and stare at the wall.

I went there to ask about my suspicions. I wanted her opinion on whether or not I was being paranoid. She was a good friend, and I respected her. Emphasis on the past tense. I thought that the Jedi were supposed to be pure in mind, body and soul. I guess that doesn't apply to affairs of the heart. After all, this is his best friend. Well, best female friend anyway. I thought I was his best friend.

I 'm not exactly sure how I got here. One moment I was standing there staring at the two of them together on the bed, the next I'm standing in my quarters. Our quarters. How did I get here? Did I run? Did I teleport? Does it even matter?

I still don't know what to do. I could always throw our vows away too and see how he likes it, but damnit they still mean something to me! I meant it when I said until we're one with the Force! And it isn't like I haven't been attracted to others, I have. Not many, but there have been a few. I'm bonded, not dead. There were more that were willing to sleep with me simply because I was Jedi, but I always abstained. I always politely, but firmly, declined the invitation. I told them I was involved with someone. They always understood, saying that my mate must be very lucky to have someone so loyal. Yeah, so lucky he's with someone else right now.

There's a holo of the two of us on the wall. I can see it from my spot on the couch if I focus long enough. It was taken right after our bonding ceremony. I'm in his arms and we're both looking outward. I look into his eyes he looked so happy. How could he have changed in just five short years? I don't understand it, and I don't think I ever will.

He proposed to me. It was after the mission to Koa 4. It had been a hard mission, ending with me in the Healer's care. He came to visit everyday, after he knew that I would be all right. The only reason he left was because I forced him. There was no reason for him to be miserable sleeping in those plastic chairs since he wouldn't share the bed with me. We'd been together, intimately, for about a year and a half by that time.

He waited until I was back into our quarters. We were meditating at the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Despite the fact that Bruck died there all those years ago, it's still my favorite place to meditate besides the outdoor gardens. It was a joined meditation; I always loved meditating with him. There was something there, he couldn't quite quiet his mind, but I didn't think much of it. I thought maybe it was some Council decision or aftermath of the last mission. I surfaced to find him staring at me; his blue eyes the color of the deepest ocean.

It was a little discomfiting, having him stare at me like that. Then he started speaking and I forgot all about being self-conscious. To this day I remember every single word he said, about how he loved me and didn't want to live without me. How he had never loved another like he loved me.

I can't help but wonder if the problem was me. If I wasn't pretty enough or experienced enough. There hadn't been many before him. He never said anything about my lack of experience or my turn-offs before. Maybe I should have let him penetrate. After all, he was doing that with that.whore. Maybe he simply got tired of men. Maybe he was lonely. We haven't had much time together lately. But that was his own fault. He was the one that said we should take separate missions. So he shouldn't take it out on me if the Council saw fit to send one on missions that started just as the other's was ending.

There is no way to know for sure unless I ask. We never really did the whole mental bond thing after our ceremony. Should have been a sign to run while I still could.

But I didn't run and here I am. Maybe I should have gotten out when I had a chance, but I don't regret the years I was with him, not even now, although this certainly colors how I view those years. Now I go back through my mind and question every absence, every reason for it. It's amazing how one moment of betrayal can color your entire perspective on a life spent together. I don't like it. I hate the way I'm questioning everything about my life with him and me in particular. I don't like feeling this way. I hate it!

He's coming. We may not have a bond, but I can feel him in the Force. It's too late to disappear, so I'll have to face him. I don't know what I'm going to do or what I'm going to say, but I do know that I can't let it alone. I won't share him and if that means I lose him then so be it. I'm not even sure I want to be with him anymore, but I'll at least listen to his excuses. I suppose I can give him that. Don't know why. I feel this need to let him speak, guess I have a masochistic streak in me. I'm miserable now -- why not feel even worse after I listen to his blatherings.

Take a deep breath and push all those feelings down deep. I have to think logically about this. I will not lose my head. I will not go into hysterics, not in front of him.

He's coming and I'm scared to death.