Archive: yes
Author's web page: www.geocities.com/jayne_hundt
Warnings: None
Spoilers: None
Rating: R (just to be safe)
Summery: Qui-Gon decides that it is time to give Obi-Wan 'The
Talk.'
Prologue:
"I don't know about this Mace," Qui-Gon said. "Taping our
intimacy? It sounds kind of tacky, like something a Corellion
whore would do."
"Come on, Qui. It'll be fun," Mace soothed. A tripod was held
in one hand, a holo-vid camera in another. "'Sides, it'll give
us something to look at when one of us is away on a mission."
"I don't know..."
"No-one but us will ever see it."
"Promise?"
"Yes."
Qui-Gon nodded, giving his permission and Mace set up the
tripod. When finished, he got into bed. They started kissing.
After a few moments Mace realized that Qui-Gon wasn't very
responsive. "What's wrong?"
"I can't do this. It's staring at me, Mace," Qui-Gon said as he
stared back at the camera's lens. "It looks like a one-eyed
Torvarlarian."
Windu rolled his eyes as he reached with the Force and stopped
the recorder. "Can't you just pretend that it's not there?"
"I don't know. It's even got three legs like a Torvarlarian."
Masce gave his best please, for me look.
Qui-Gon relented to those sad, brown eyes. "Okay."
Triumphantly Mace smiled and turned the recorder back on. They
started kissing once again.
"Are you sure no one but us will ever see this?" Qui-Gon asked
again as soon as his mouth was free.
"Mmmhmm," Mace answered, his mouth full at the moment.
Qui-Gon moaned, forgetting about the staring eye of the
recorder. He moaned even louder as Mace swallowed his cock.
They both climaxed quickly.
As soon as coherent speech was possible, Qui-Gon whispered a
suggestion into Mace's ear. "Let's do it bantha style."
Two months later:
An angry Qui-Gon Jinn stormed out of the video store, a copy
of the hottest new porn video--'Doin' it Bantha
Style'--clutched in his hand.
Behind, Mace Windu was hard pressed to keep up. "Qui, it wasn't
me! My copy is locked up in my office safe!" He didn't seem
convinced. "I swear it to you!"
"Who else would have done it Mace?"
"Think about this, Qui. I didn't do it and you didn't do it. It
must have been Obi-Wan."
Qui-Gon was speechless. His innocent, sweet little Obi-Wan was
sneaking through his stash of porn? "Impossible."
"And why is that impossible?"
'C'mon, Mace. Remember when you left your vibrating ring of
love at my house a week ago? Obi-Wan thought it was a missing
part out of the vacuum cleaner."
"Did you ever get your vacuum fixed?"
Qui-Gon ignored the question, refusing to let Mace change the
subject. "The other day, I caught him using my anal lube on the
squeaking hinges on the bathroom cabinets."
"The eatable stuff? Did it work?"
"Yes, but that's not the point."
"And the point would be?"
"He's Obi-Wan!"
"Face it, Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan is growing up. He now knows how to
do it bantha style. It's probably time for a talk."
"A talk?"
"Yes. The talk."
The color drained from Qui-Gon's face. It was time for 'the
talk?'
Obi-Wan was startled to see his master. Usually when he went
out with Mace, he didn't come home until late. And then he
caught a whiff of his Master's Force aura. Instantly, he knew
he was in trouble.
As quietly as possible, Obi-Wan made for his room. Tonight,
luck wasn't with him. He got only three steps.
"Obi-Wan!"
The boy turned around. "Yes Master?"
"Sit down." Qui-Gon pointed to the couch and Obi-Wan scrambled
to obey. Qui-Gon went to the shelves in the study and pulled
out the folder where he kept his stash. The disk was there, but
a close inspection revealed several tiny thumbprints, which
would no doubt match those of the boy. "Would you happen to
know anything of how the contents of this disk came to be at
Max's Video Store?"
Obi-Wan took a deep breath. "I...um...well...you see..."
"Today, Padawan."
"Bant did it. She said it was an accident."
Bant? Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow, silently urging his
padawan to continue.
"We were looking through your...er...magazines when we found
the disk. We watched it. I made Bant a copy." Obi-Wan bowed his
head in shame. "Bant accidentally turned it into the video
store." Obi-Wan took a deep breath. "The disks got switched,
put into the wrong cases. Instead of 'The Adventures of Joie
the Nerf-herder,' Doin' It...um...Bantha style got turned in."
"And why did you make her a copy of my disk?"
"She asked me to." The boy was now fighting back tears. "I
wasn't thinking. I'm sorry."
"No, you weren't thinking. If you were, you'd realize that the
contents of that disk were private. Private not only to me, but
to Master Winu as well."
Obi-Wan lost his battle with the tears. "I'm sorry."
"You violated my privacy and my trust. I'm disappointed in you.
Your behavior was not that of a Jedi." It was that of a
thirteen year old child, Qui-Gon reminded himself. "Come
here, Obi-Wan."
Frightened, Obi-Wan shuffled towards him. The boy was surprised
when he was hugged. For a long moment, Obi-Wan cried on his
master's shoulder. When the sobs slowed, he disentangled
himself from the boy's arms. "We'll talk about this in the
morning, Padawan."
Obi-Wan put his breakfast tray on the table. Usually they ate
breakfast in their quarters, but a certain discussion made that
impossible. Apparently his friend Bant and her master didn't
have time to fix breakfast in their quarters, for she sat at
the table too.
"My master received an interesting call last night, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan blushed as scooted his chair up to the table. "You get
into trouble?"
"I get to spend all of my recreation-time meditating until I
understand the value of respecting other people's privacy."
Bant's voice was glum. "I have to make both personal and
written apologies."
Obi-Wan gaped at her. "That's all? That's all of the
punishment?"
Bant nodded. "Why? What did you get?"
"I have extra meditations and the apologies too. But I also got
assigned extra katas. And I have to wash cafeteria dishes after
noon meal for a month. And tonight my master said we had to
have a talk."
"About what?"
Obi-Wan started fidgeting, and he blushed. "About sex. He told
me to think about things I wanted to ask him."
"You mean you're gonna have the talk with him?" Bant
asked, awed and a little jealous. "My master just gave me a
pamphlet and told me not to have sex until I'm fifty."
Obi-Wan pushed food around on his plate, not hungry. He was
nervous. "I don't know what to ask him."
"You could always ask him what a clitoris is."
Obi-Wan stared blankly at Bant, not comprehending. What the
heck was a clitoris, anyway?
"It's time to give Obi-Wan the talk and I don't know what to
say," Qui-Gon confessed to Bant's master sitting next to him.
The man was old, so he was bound to have some advise.
"Didn't you have this talk with your other padawns? Just do
what you did then."
"My first padawan was halfway through her apprenticeship when I
became her master," Qui-Gon answered. "And I don't care to
repeat the unpleasant experience I had with Xani."
"Bant is my fifth Padawan. Over the years I have learned the
secret to giving young Padawans the talk."
Every knight or master sitting at the table discreetly leaned
closer to hear the pearls of wisdom. "What's the secret?"
Qui-Gon asked.
The Old man reached into his briefcase and pulled out a
pamphlet. "The answers you seek are in here."
Qui-Gon read the title of the pamphlet. "You and Your Body."
"Just give young Obi-Wan this pamphlet, and your problems are
solved."
"Well Obi-Wan, you could ask your master if it hurts," Bant
suggested. "You know, he was screaming and groaning on the vid.
It had to hurt."
"Ask him if being a virgin feels any different than not being
a virgin," a young initiate next to Obi-Wan asked. "Cuz I'd
like to know."
The entire table of young padawans and initiates were quiet,
listening to every word of the conversation. His cheeks grew
hot with embarrassment.
"Ask him how to get rid of a woody," another boy asked.
"No! Don't ask him that!" Yet another boy said. "Ask him how to
get a bigger one. I heard that bigger was better."
Bant chimed in with another suggestion. "Ask him what a orgasm
feels like."
He was sure his face couldn't get any redder. He was wrong. An
initiate spoke up from across the table, shouting her
suggestion. "You can ask Master Qui-Gon to teach you how to
pleasure yourself."
The entire cafeteria fell silent. Obi-Wan wanted to die.
"Err...um...thank-you for the advise," Qui-Gon said, sending a
questioning look towards Obi-Wan's table. "But Obi-Wan may have
questions that a pamphlet may not answer."
The old man shrugged. "Suit yourself."
Finding no help there, he turned to Mace. "What did you say to
Depa?"
Mace stroked his chin thoughtfully. Then he set his elbows upon
the table and stippled his fingers together in front of his
face. "I have a confession to make, Qui-Gon. I sent her to
Master Yaddel for the talk."
"You sent your padawan to another master?"
Mace shrugged. "Didn't have a pamphlet."
A brilliant idea flashed across his mind. "Mace, will you--"
"No."
Damn.
Later that evening...
The moment Qui-Gon had been dreading all day had finally
arrived. And it had been a long, long day. He paused at his
front door, not wanting to enter his quarters, where his
padawan was waiting.
He took a deep breath and gathered his courage. How hard
could this be? He opened the door and plunged on ahead.
As he walked into the front room he cast a quick look about.
His padawan was nowhere to be seen. He cast a quick look
through the Force and found the boy in the study.
The master entered the study just in time to see Obi-Wan
hastily shelve a folder. He didn't need to see the folder to
know it was the one in which he hid his pornographic magazines.
"Padawan."
"Er...um...Master," Obi-Wan jumped, startled and embarrassed.
"I...Uh...was just...er--"
"--looking at my magazines," Qui-Gon finished for the
stuttering boy.
Obi-Wan nodded, and then found an unbelievingly interesting
spot on the floor and stared at it.
"I believe that we had scheduled this time for a talk." Qui-Gon
held the door open and motioned for his apprentice into the
living room. Then he employed one last delaying tactic. "Have a
seat on the couch and I'll make us some tea."
"Yes sir."
Obi-Wan ambled past his master, ears and neck red with
embarrassment. He plopped down onto the couch and stared at his
feet, looking as if he was waiting for death.
A few minuets later, both Jedi had a cup of tea. There were no
more excuses for delay. It was now or never. "Padawan, relax.
We already discussed your punishment this morning and that
punishment is final--I will not add to it. Yes you are in
trouble, but not for looking at those magazines. Tell me, what
are you in trouble for?"
"I betrayed your privacy by watching the video and showing it
to Bant. I shouldn't have copied the video too."
Qui-Gon nodded. So far, so good. Maybe he'd get through this
after all. "Do you know the reason for the talk we are
about to have?"
Again Obi-Wan nodded, shamefaced. "Because of my pubescent
perversity."
Pubescent perversity? "Well, I guess that's one way to put it."
Obi-Wan's face seemed to grow even redder. A little vein popped
out in his forehead. "First of all Obi-Wan, I want to make it
clear that you have no reason to feel shamed for your
'pubescent perversity.' Everyone goes through it. Even I did. I
assure you, it is quite normal."
The boy seemed to be a little relieved at hearing this. Qui-Gon
continued. "Yes, we are Jedi, but we are human as well. What
you are going through is a part of being human. To deny your
feelings is to deny your humanity."
Qui-Gon paused for emphasis, allowing his words to sink into
the boy's brain. "As an initiate, you were instructed in basic
biology. So you know the mechanics of sexual intercourse, how
and why it is done."
"Yes master."
"The purpose of this talk is not to discuss the mechanics. This
you already know. We need to talk of questions you may have
that are not covered in the textbooks."
Qui-Gon stopped, allowing the boy time to step in and ask a
question. But Obi-Wan just sat there, playing with his fingers.
"Do you have a question Obi-Wan?"
The boy shrank back into the couch cushions, embarrassed. So
far, Qui-Gon had been pleased with himself. He was handling the
conversation well. The boy's question ended that delusion.
"Sex, um, is used for procreation. Sexual urges come from an
instinctual need to procreate the human race, right?"
Qui-Gon nodded his head both encouragingly and in approval.
"Then why did you and master Windu er...uh...do it? I mean if
you two can't reproduce, then why do it?" Obi-Wan took a deep
breath before continuing. "And isn't is a bit unsanitary? I
mean putting your er, uh, 'unit' into someone's uh, anus is,
um," Obi-Wan searched for the right word. "Yucky."
Qui-Gon felt his cheeks redden with a blush. He took a sip of
tea so he wouldn't have to answer right away. But
unfortunately, the tea ran out before he came up with a good
answer. "Because it feels good."
"I don't see how it could feel good."
"It's different for each couple. If the intercourse is an
expression of love, the pleasure can be both physical and
psychological. When two bodies join together as one, there can
be a feeling of completeness or wholeness--regardless of
gender."
"But that's not logical, Master."
"Emotions rarely are."
Obi-Wan thought about that for a second before stammering out
another question. "Does it hurt? I mean, that hole is so small
and some guys have really big, um, units."
"It can be painful without the proper preparations such as
lubrication and stretching."
"Stretching?"
"Yes. With fingers."
The boy wrinkled his nose. He had apparently heard enough about
anal intercourse and decided to change the subject. "May I ask
you a personal question?"
"You may always ask, but I don't know if I'll answer."
"Was what you and master Windu did an expression of love, or
just pleasure?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Once, years ago, Mace and I were in love. Now we are close
friends. So I guess the answer would be pleasure."
Obi-Wan's face brightened with the unmistakable beginnings of a
crush on his master. "Oh, that's good--I mean, it's good that
you and master Windu are still friends."
Qui-Gon smiled. "Do you have any more questions?"
"Well...Not a question exactly. Can I make a confession now
that we're talking about sex and all?"
"You may."
"You know how I've been spending a long time in the bathroom
lately?"
The two talked for several hours. Obi-Wan asked his master
questions ranging from masturbation to 'Bantha Style' until it
was time for dinner. "Well Padawan, I don't know about you, but
I think this was a productive conversation. A little awkward,
but fruitful."
"Yes Master," Obi-Wan said, a blush still on his face. I
hope I never have to go through that again. Obi-Wan's
thought floated across the training bond. Why couldn't he
have given me a pamphlet?
Epilogue:
"Well?" Bant demanded from Obi-Wan as he set his dinner tray on
the table. The others at the table quieted, eager to hear about
the talk. "How was the talk?"
"Interesting." Obi-Wan took a swig of nerf milk. "Embarrassing
too."
"So share those new pearls of wisdom with us."
"Well, we talked about a lot of different things. Mostly I
asked questions and he answered them."
"Like what?"
"Well...Remember that oil I had? The stuff that smelled like
jafi fruit?"
Bant Nodded.
"We used it to lube up the hinges of our gym lockers. Hinges
ain't the only thing it's used to lube..."
Mace Windu sat down at the table next to Qui-Gon, eager to hear
how the talk went. "Well? How did it go?"
"Either he's wiser in the ways of the human body or now scared
of sex. I can't tell which. I'm hoping for the latter because
it'd make my life a bit easier."
Mace smirked, but didn't say anything.
"At least I got the boy to stop playing with my lubricants."
Archive 