Banish'd from the World

by Inya Dreems (inyadreems@hotmail.com)

Archive: M/A, or ask. I'll say yes.

Rating: PG

Pairing: O/OL (who?)

Category: Angst POV

Spoilers: None

Feedback: Please. Pretty please.

Summary: Set between EpIII SHRFOS (Sith Horror Revenge From Outer Space) and EpIV ANH.

Many thanks and hugs to my wonderful Master Cuimne.

I tried to see Luke today. He will be five years old now, and I haven't been able to see him since he was a toddler. I was unable to see him today; Owen stopped me. His shouts of "Get off my land," along with the hateful names hurt more than I had expected.

I know he hates me. That wasn't always the case, in fact he loved me once. He has convinced himself that he hates me because of my link to the boy's father - let him believe that if he wants.

When I came back to this Sith-spawned planet, I sought them out as friends, hoping that here was a place where the boy could be hidden, brought up away from the turmoil, the evil, engulfing the rest of the galaxy. Evil spreading largely due to the boy's father. My friend. My apprentice. All right, I admit it to myself now, I came here to hide myself too.

I was desperate at that time. So alone, with a small child to hide. They were so pleased to accept the boy as their own - especially Beru, of course. No children of their own had come along, and he filled her heart. Perhaps Owen thought the child filled her heart too much, left no room for him, and that was why he sought me out.

When he first came to me here in my home in the Wastes, he knew, could feel my pain. I had carried on over the years, trying to fulfil my promise, until that awful time when my former padawan finally turned away from me, from everything I had tried to teach him, from my promise to Qui-Gon.

So when he offered a release from the pain, the loneliness, I accepted. I should not have encouraged him, I suppose, although he didn't need any encouraging truly. I think at first he seduced me. It didn't take much. Physical contact after so long, just being with someone - it brought a spark of life back that I had thought would never return.

Then he fell in love with me. I had to convince him that his place was with his wife and child, that they needed him. Their survival depended on him, there was too much to risk by leaving them alone. For that is what he wished - for us to leave together, go away, anywhere, together.

We could have, I suppose. I was even tempted, lying alone on my hard couch at night. It was all so unfair. Bereaved at twenty-five. The only one I could love had been taken away from me, so I filled my life with fulfilling my promise, until it was all thrown back in my face. Now here was someone who really wanted me, could give me love, companionship, human contact. He even understood that I didn't love him, that it was not much more than physical need for me. He accepted that.

But he could not accept my turning him away, back to his family.

Today did I really want to see only Luke, or was I selfishly hoping for something more - something from Owen? After all this time, could he be my friend? Just my friend? But he is not prepared to give me even that. He knew why I was there, even if I was fooling myself. But he also knows that nothing has changed - I am still unable to give him all he wants. We cannot be together as he wishes. He must stay to protect Luke, just as I must. The boy must remain hidden from Vader.

So over time, Owen has come to hate me. And he keeps the boy away from me. Let him believe it is to protect Luke, I know the real reason.