Category: POV, Pre-Slash, I have no idea what else to call it.
Date: 29 August, 1999
Archive: M-A, all others please ask.
Disclaimer:
1. I'm not making any money off of this.
2. I don't own the characters, they belong to Mr. Lucas, sir.
3. No copyright infringement is intended.
4. The story is for entertainment purposes only.
Notes: Okay, well I would include a summary, but I have no idea
what to call this plot bunny. The boys started talking to me
days ago, and then a thread on the list further sparked my
imagination, and the plot bunny went off into its own little
world. This used to be a third person narrative that somehow
transformed itself into a first person from Qui-Gon's Mother.
This is all my friend's Ben fault, because of something he said
to me. (eg) So anyway, not beta'ed. All mistakes mine. I'm too
scared to send this to anyone to look over. Totally from the
demented mind of Rae. If it sounds nuts, it probably is.
Balance...laughter invades as I hear this concept spouted once
more. Balance in all things. They truly have no idea of what
they preach, of what they seek, these stale, pallid Jedi
wandering the halls of Corusant. I know, how bitterly I know,
the feel of Balance.
I know the glowing bonds of love. I know the desecrating heat
of hate. I felt once, the sea of serenity, and the growing
seeds of rage. I know both light and dark, intimately. The
dirty, oily feel of the Dark Side and the joy in which feeds
the Light. How easily it is to be seduced that which I denied.
Oh yes, I know Balance....Balance in all things...
That which is denied grows stronger. So now, I no longer deny.
It was really simple after all. How I tremble at the feel of
biting, acidic tears as they tumble down my face. Home, I am
finally home, yet it is an empty place. Filled with meaningless
prattle from beings too young to understand what they say. Do
you know what you give up in this blind dedication to a dying
ideal, my young ones? Pure, cold rage releases itself into the
empty space. Can't you feel how un-balanced this all is? Can
you understand that which you do not know?
No, how can they? The rage at the unfairness of it all falls
back into hollow laughter of the insane. To see it at all, they
would have to fall back into the nothingness in which I exist,
all alone. Here where there is no one to hear, no one to feel
my presence any more. No one who can offer a calming balance to
my own tortured soul. Caste adrift, caught in a web of my own
creation, because I attempted to offer comfort as my own body
lay dying.
Balance, Master Yoda? Where is my Balance? Where is my reward
for following your dictates? Where is my comfort for the years
of endless pain? To caught up in your web of Duty, the Code,
and the ceremony of Being Jedi! Pah, I spit on this. But then
again you know me too well, Master. For once upon a time we
balanced each other, did we not? A yin, and yang. One Master,
one Padawan. One teacher, one student. That is a balance
itself, is it not? Just as I see another Master with his
student, but they are more, so very much more.
They are a pair, are they not? One force, one unit, one being
split in half, a perfect.....pair. Balanced. Is that not what
makes balance? Is it not any wonder they hunger for each other?
The half always seeks the whole. And I see the Master finally
relinquishing the eternal control which he holds like a
protective blanket over himself, falling, tumbling to the
floor, pooling at his feet as the riot of emotion so long
denied finally comes to the fore. Who will survive the
coupling? The man, or the beast?
Yet another failure in Balance, my Master. Too much control is
not a good thing. That which is denied grows stronger. Yet,
here in these hallowed walls, I see it encouraged time and time
again. To know passion is to know life! Control knows when to
release them. And he is afraid, my Qui-Gon. I can see him
leaning against the door, his head and palm resting against the
cool surface, trying to find the blanket so recently caste
aside. So afraid to feel anything other than what one should
for his student. Ah, but there's the catch, isn't it my love?
Student, no longer. Pushed aside in pride, in anger, and in
defense of one still young. Forgot you did, this one, in the
heat of the moment.
Wanting to enter, wanting to be forgiven, wanting to make
amends to the other inside, the one who knows you better than
himself, the one you betrayed. Ah, my Qui-Gon, what a tangled
web you have spun for yourself.
And the other? Oh, he stands with his back turned from the
door. All control, and no feeling. What a splendid pair you
make! He knows you are there, needing to let you in, needing to
forgive, to release the pain inside to the one whom knows him.
But, he cannot. He has found my Qui-Gon's pride and his
control. You have taught Obi-Wan well, my son.
And I? I can do nothing! Nothing but watch as the balance
shifts from one to the other. One's pride, one's insecurities,
one's love, one's hate, passes back and forth because they
never became whole. Never took that final step, and released
all the precious little controls which they held over
themselves to the void. It is a simple nothingness which yearns
to be filled.
Balance. How I hate what the concept has become. Turned,
twisted, and molded into an ideal in which no one remembers how
to accomplish it anymore. That one should live in balance with
all things, both light and dark, controlled and not controlled,
believe and not believe, be and not be. Balance in all things.
I feel the Balance now, Master, thank you for showing me. I
both love and hate, breathe and not, live and die at the same
moment. Every second, every moment is a symphony, and I can't
touch it. I can't hear it, but I know it's there.
There is no death, only the Force. Well there is a balance to
that as well. There is no Force, there is only the nothingness.
It is a pity the young ones must learn this lesson for
themselves.
Bitter, yes, you could say I am. Mad? Oh with a certainty. But
it is not for myself. I've lived too long in the world on
nothing more than hope, struggling each day for the nest. I was
caste aside, given gladly to the Dark Side on silver platter
because of my views. Happily did it accept my rage, my despair.
But the pain only held its fascination for so long, before hope
once again found a place in my breast, and I left. Marked
'Rogue' for a taint that I refused to relinquish. It is not
failure to know the Dark Side's touch. Just failure to want to
know. This they cannot heal in me. Ah well. So now I serve no
one. Serve no greater purpose save one, my son. Who stands at
this door, afraid, and alone. Un-balanced.
I would have him know true balance, to know what it means to be
whole, as I once did long ago. To know, because I know now
trapped in the nothingness, that his time is short. Because for
him, tomorrow will not come. He lives in the now, the present;
the future ever changing to be denied. For once I wish I could
pass on a knowledge learned, that which is denied grows
stronger. Pity. And his other half who lives in both past and
future, a perfect balance to himself. Too much in both, does
Obi-Wan live. One must live in all times at once. Balance in
all things.
Together, they might over come what I have seen, but I know
better. Too long denied, has the future been, and it will
collect its reward. But I would have them know each other,
before he becomes one with the Force. How to reach beyond the
nothingness I have become?
"There is no try, only do." Yet another of Master Yoda's
teachings. Do? I have, again and again I have reached out,
attempting to touch, to speak, to form. Anything to reach these
two proud, hurting creatures, torn between themselves and their
duty. Watching them drift further apart, sending their feelings
into the Force, hiding themselves from each other and hiding
themselves as well, tangled in the nothingness of which I am.
Wait! A barely held thought begins to form. I am nothing. They
are nothing. From nothing comes something. A blank slate with
which to create and to form. Ever so carefully, I pull the
waiting nothingness to myself. As I do, the door which blocked
the way, opens. Neither one makes a move. Oh well, Obi-Wan has
at least turned around, and Qui-Gon has dropped his hand. But
both are still so far from each other. No closer to forgiving
each other, or reaching resolution.
Arghh! What in the Force does it take? Are the gaps so wide
that they can never be breached? I wanted to scream. I want to
throw things, smash and break them asunder. In the name of all
that is Holy, how do I reach them? A rumble of sound reaches
across the nothingness in which I float.
"There is no do, only try."
Laughter yet again, at the oddity of Balance. Now is not the
time for focus, but for experiments. I understand in my
madness, now. I am their only bridge. A tenuous link in their
bond that has never been broken or shielded, because they do
not know it exists. How very apropos. The whirl of emotion:
anger...love...betrayal...grief...shame, swirl around me,
jumping over each other, running through each other, trying to
be the victor in a fight that none can win. Again the thought
of Balance tumbles along the nothingness.
Balance, why again Balance? They already balance each other.
Can't they see that? Don't they know? No...they
don't....because I stand in the middle. Laughter again. I've
pulled their nothingness to myself, creating a bridge they
don't know how to cross. Great, just wonderful. How much more
can I mess things up? Oh, for gods' sake, Qui-Gon come in and
shut the door! And so he does, meekly yet with purpose.
Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Oh no! Protective stance,
Obi-Wan is pulling further into himself. I recognize this one.
Just like when he was a child, backing off, hugging himself,
and pulling deep inside, so that all emotion rolls off of him
as water over a stone. The pain to be examined later, to find
the fault within himself. Hesitation, fear, desire, want, and
need are flaming around me, from both directions at once. How
to bring them together? Damn it! This would be so much easier
if I could just reach out and push them together. If I could
just use the Force!
My control in the nothingness is slipping. I feel bits and
pieces slowly taking away thought. Ah well, balance in all
things, my son. The nothingness seeks to guide me away. One
last thing, one final call to a link slowly unraveling from the
roots of a Mother's love embedded long ago. An echo of the
past, to add support, to sooth past hurts, and to protect young
charges in the darkest of nights from the demons under the
bed.....
A voice that both men know from repeated contact over the
years, even if one will only recognize the sound from a long
ago youth. Yes, I have watched, and guided both for so long,
never realizing why the other had attached himself to me. They
were one. Always one. In perfect harmony. One heart, one mind,
one soul, one. Balanced. And I whisper to the swirling chaos,
bringing the halves to the whole as I disappear into the vast
nothingness to await my own call......
"I am......here."
Balance in all things, Master Yoda. Guard them well.
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