Master Apprentice
Archive
The Art of Getting Sober
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Archive: Master_Apprentice (September 2004 Fic-a-thon)
Category: Obi/other, Humor, Crossover
Disclaimers: The boys in here belong to George Lucas and the Disney Corp. I don't make any money on this, just gave them a room to have some fun.
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Obi gets drunk and wakes up in bed with an amorous stranger.
Notes: This is challenge No. 70 of Rita's and Emma's 2004 fic-a-thon: "Qui or Obi gets drunk and wakes up in bed with an amorous stranger."
Extra note for Ula: Yes, there is sex in this one, not very much, but...
Feedback: yes please
Thanks to: Many owlish thanks to Tem-ve for the beta-reading and thanks to G., who showed me Berlin, cooked a very good curry and lectured me about the tenet "There is no 'if would...'."
When he opened his eyes, the wall moved.
He tried to raise his hurting head, and his stomach sent bile up to his throat.
Obi-Wan groaned. Carefully.
He swallowed and tried to fight back the nausea.
He closed his eyes. The world stopped turning after a moment.
What happened to me?
Healing trance, a voice far away recommended. Healing trance, yes... he dozed off.
When he opened his eyes again, the wall still moved. But not as fast as before. And when he focussed on it, it stopped after some seconds. It was almost funny to watch.
He lay on his belly and clung to a big pillow like a lover. But he wasn't in his own bed, nor in his Master's judging from the dark silken pillows and sheets. Not that he really felt up to the task of making any deductions based on this observation.
He wasn't feeling as sick as before, but there was a throbbing pain behind his eyes. His mouth felt much too dry. And tasted like Bantha shit. Probably. Not that he'd ever tried...
Healing trance, his inner voice insisted, get on with it, damned drunkard!
He tried to focus and slipped back into unconsciousness.
This time, the wall had eventually stopped. Obi-Wan sighed with relief.
His head still felt as if a rancor had stomped on it--repeatedly.
Where the Sith hells am I?
What happend?
And what's...
He froze as an arm tightened around him. A snore and a moan, a rustle under the sheets, and then he felt the warm presence of a sleeping human being on his back, and a weight as someone chose the small of Obi-Wan's back as his pillow.
His Force sense was dampened by intoxication, but Obi-Wan knew enough to be sure: this human was definitely not his Master!
Not one of his Padawan friends either.
Force help me! Who is that?
A male, judging from the stubble.
What's happened to me?
And then the memory struck him like a blaster bolt.
He had crashed his red Corellian speeder!
Crashed into a cruiser which belonged to Senator Palpatine of Naboo.
Instead of getting angry, the Senator had been serene and very friendly, just so sympathetic ...
Obi-Wan gasped for air. I don't want to know! he prayed, I don't want to turn around and see that ugly old man lying here with me! Probably thanking me for last night's wonderful lovemaking... Obi-Wan tried to disentangle himself from the embrace, but the arms tightened around him and he heard a muffled "HmmNnn!"
Oh little gods! That's too embarrassing to ever live down! Or to tell Qui-Gon! To see his face, when I confess I had a one-night stand with that lecherous backbencher!
Force, let me die now!
The Force in all its glory didn't take him, and sneaking away was also not possible.
Obi-Wan tested his poor beginners' abilities in the field of mind tricks, but with a poisoned mind himself, he couldn't make the other man sleep more deeply.
His head hurt badly when he tried to concentrate, and he remembered what had caused this state: Alderaanian brandy.
"Take a sip, my boy," Senator Palpatine had said, pouring an indecent quantity of a luxury brand into a balloon glass, "It soothes the nerves."
Why didn't I refuse?
But having a drink had suddenly seemed such a good idea, so convincing...
That's how the Force punishes the sinner, Obi-Wan thought, groaning. His sins had been many:
He had accepted a spacecraft, a Corellian F40 Fer'ahri speeder to be precise, as a gift--greed.
He hadn't informed the Council at once, but went for some spins with it--neglect of duty.
He had raced it around Coruscant just to show the young rich and wealthy that even a Jedi could have a posh spacecraft--pride.
He had accepted the challenge of a space race--aggression.
He had switched off the autopilot to use his Jedi reflexes to his advantage--cheating.
But due to the navigation problems caused by the sun storms of the current year the now unregularized instruments had misled him and he had come too close to the regular long range flight levels. Senator Palpatine's elegant cruiser had just popped out of hyperspace a little beneath the normal flight level, when Obi-Wan had added an extra loop to impress his competitor--boastfulness as an additional sin.
They had crashed.
Thanks the Force, nobody had been hurt. But Obi-Wan's speeder was a write-off, and the Naboo cruiser's silver surface was burnt, battered and scratched.
The spaceway patrol had come very fast, and they had made Obi-Wan feel like an awkward initiate again. The policemen had enjoyed calling a Jedi a space road hog and a thief (because the spacecraft was not registered yet under his name). They would have arrested him if Senator Palpatine hadn't eventually interfered.
Obi-Wan remembered himself then sitting in Senator Palpatine's office in the Senate building. First he had to inform Senator Turner, the former owner of the Corellian F40. Then he had to inform his Master.
Qui-Gon Jinn was in a Council session, and someone called him out. Obi-Wan couldn't ignore his Master's scowl. Obviously the Council session was much more important than a depressed Padawan longing for some reassurance and sympathy.
"Go through the formalities and then report to me in person, Padawan." Qui-Gon Jinn said, outwardly serene. But Obi-Wan knew his Master's expressions exactly, and Qui-Gon Jinn was annoyed.
At that moment the Senator had decided it was time for a brandy.
And the idiot I am accepted it, Obi-Wan added with a moan.
He couldn't remember hearing anything from Senator William Turner's office, not even of Senator Turner's companion and aide Captain Jack Sparrow, who surely would snootily claim that someone who couldn't commandeer a spacecraft shouldn't fly one either. Obi-Wan and Senator Palpatine wrote their reports for the insurance companies. Obi-Wan apologized again and again and hoped to avoid his name being mentioned on the evening news, while Senator Palpatine smiled and talked about the love of the young for speed and danger and the suppressed life a Jedi Padawan would certainly lead. Obi-Wan vaguely remembered assuring the Senator that he was not suppressed at all, and that they had talked for quite a while, waiting for the insurance companies' reaction.
When the insurance agents had called back, Obi-Wan needed a second brandy. They wouldn't pay! They had consulted with the spacepatrol and told the Padawan that they would not pay anything due to his inconsiderate flying style.
At this moment his old fear raised its ugly head. They'll kick me out of the Order! If I have no self-control, what kind of Jedi does that make me?
Senator Palpatine had remained friendly and reassuring nevertheless and poured him a third drink while patting the Padawan's shoulder. Obi-Wan didn't know what had happened next. Obviously he had drunk more. He remembered that they had talked about compensation, somehow.
Now he was here.
Compensation...
The man who was snuggled on his back stirred.
I don't want to see him! Obi-Wan pleaded to the Force.
How could I cheat on my Master with such an ordinary old man? How can I ever accompany my Master into the Senate again? I ruined the reputation of the Order! Or proved my status as a Jedi and therefore a trophy fuck: "and he was even a Jedi..." Some streetwalkers on the lower levels of Coruscant even pretended to be Padawans to stimulate their business. Or maybe they were: ex-Padawans, kicked out of the Order due to their stupidity and pride...
A low groan against his back and moving limbs proved that the other one was waking up.
A wet kiss on his back made Obi-Wan shudder.
"Please, let me go," he asked, "I'd like to go to the refresher!" And pick up my clothes and run away as fast as I can...
"Hmm-Nay." More rustle in the sheets, squirming on the mattress, and the kiss was repeated. Lower this time. On his left buttock, while a callused hand gently stroked the other one in slow circles.
If the other man had intended to make the Padawan relax, he was failing: Obi-Wan's heart rate was at fighting speed, and his gasp resulted from terror, not from arousal.
Then a tongue teased his cleft.
Obi-Wan yelped and threw himself on his back.
A silly idea.
Surprisingly strong hands pinned his hips to the mattress--"Please, Sir, don't! I'm not... OH!"--and penis was swallowed without any foreplay. Obi-Wan felt the hidden lecher chuckle, he didn't hear it.
"Ffff...Force!"
A short, warning use of teeth showed him how to behave: Try to move now, and it will really, really hurt!
His thighs were spread, and he followed the push. Better not to refuse now!
Fingernails scratched over the back of his thighs, up to his ass, while lips and a skilful tongue caressed his penis.
Obi-Wan almost despaired as his body reacted to the tease.
He forced himself to glance down, expected to see the Senator's white hair, but all he saw was a moving heap of dark silk. Silk that seemed to be black and blood-red in the low light, silk that clung sensually to his skin, was even used now to caress his beginning erection, when the stranger's mouth left the tip of Obi-Wan's penis to move lower. To move at the base of his cock, then to his balls. One of his testicles was tenderly sucked, while a fistful of silk caressed his now growing member.
What to do! Maybe I can survive this if I don't see him. Pay my "compensation" and run away then.
As wicked as it was, it was arousing. The other man made his cock throb, made him even move his hips. Upwards. An involuntary but unmistakable plea of his body for more.
Little Gods! I don't want this, I don't want this -- but who'd thought this old bastard was such a skilled lover? No wonder that Master Qui-Gon had been so enraged when he saw the Senator leering at me three days ago.
Qui-Gon... strange, how odd it still feels to call him Qui-Gon, not Master.
How sad he would be, seeing me here.
But strange... it's the same feeling when Qui-Gon... his long hair. Must be the silk. And... "Oooh!"
Obi-Wan grabbed the sheets. The mouth had returned to the tip of his penis, nibbled and kissed and then sucked Obi-Wan's favorite spot on the underside.
But... this was long hair!
And the skilled hands stroking him were rough like a fighter's. Not the hands of a man who carried nothing more than a datapad and raised his hands only for voting.
Hope and curiosity rose through fogs of booze and fear. Maybe this was his Master who had found a new shielding trick to lead his twit apprentice on! Looking forward to uncovering his beloved Qui-Gon, he started to lift the sheets.
Little gods! How many layers had the sybarite piled on this bed! The easiest way to get at the man under them was to shove the hands down his belly.
Yes, there was long hair! But not as well groomed as his Master's.
So at least this wasn't the Senator...
His fingers made contact with small, hard things.
Beads.
"Noooooooo!" The wooden wall stopped Obi-Wan's start all too suddenly.
Captain Sparrow came up from under the silk with an enthusiastic grin.
"Morning, luv!"
"But how...? Why...?" Obi-Wan's universe seemed not to obey the laws of logic at the moment. Captain Jack Sparrow, unemployed pirate and economical aide of Senator William Turner of the Caribbean Planets, was the last one he would have expected under the sheets. But despite his resentment against the trickster, Obi-Wan was relieved to see him instead of the venerable Senator Palpatine--very relieved, even if he just didn't know why.
The pirate crawled over him, pinning Obi-Wan down in the corner of bed and wall. He wasn't wearing anything but his jewellery, not even his red headband, just a broad and self-pleased smile.
"If your stammering reads, 'But why had I the honour to share your bed, Captain, instead of winding up with the dirty old Senator of Naboo?'," he cooed and rubbed his erection slowly against Obi-Wan's flagging penis, "the answer is: 'because Captain Jack Sparrow condescended to save your ass, luv!'"
His hand ran gently over Obi-Wan's cheek.
Obi-Wan blinked. "I can't even remember you coming round," he said, catching Sparrow's hand and trying to hold the pirate at a more decent distance.
The Captain chuckled. "No wonder! I don't know how much you drank, but you sat there totally dazed and parroting everything that dirty old man said. I made a hell of a scene to get you out of there, calling the Senate security in to arrest you for spacecraft theft. You're free on bail for now, savvy?"
Me on bail? And totally dazed and parroting? Sounds like a mind-whammy. Ridiculous, an outer-rim Senator...
Obi-Wan pointed to the bed and the strangely wood-covered walls and ceiling, the primitive wooden table in the middle of the room, holding a bowl full of fruit. "And were are we now?"
"On board of my yacht, the Black Hole, captain's stateroom," Sparrow frowned as he feigned deep brooding. "Better than the bed of Senator Palpatine, I'd say."
Obi-Wan frowned, as he saw through the grid of the windows the sun of Coruscant far away against the blackness of space. We left the planet! No wonder Qui-Gon hasn't shown up yet to get me out of here--or to give me the good thrashing I deserve! Spacecraft theft, oh my! And who pays the bail?
"What's up?" Sparrow smirked, "If you miss Senator Palpy, I'll take you back to him."
"A man of honour would take me to the Temple!"
The pirate showed his most enchanting smile. "Aye. A man of honour would do that probably. But I regard myself as a man of will and taste first."
He bent down, kissed a nipple and made Obi-Wan flinch, "Well, luv, now that the talk is done, I'd like to continue, if you don't mind."
Obi-Wan stared at him with disbelief. All his headache was nothing compared to his dawning dread.
"I'm sorry, Captain, but I really do mind. And I'm not your 'luv'!" Obi-Wan grabbed Sparrow's mane and forced the man's head up, "I appreciate your help and thank you for getting me out of Palpatine's office, but I'm in love with someone else and..."
"Rubbish." Sparrow wriggled up a little and looked into Obi-Wan's eyes, "You're with a pirate now, lad." His breath ghosted over Obi-Wan's lips. "Take what you can get, remember?"
Obi-Wan blinked when he noticed a scent on the man's breath that was somehow familiar.
It was green.
Green like the Living Force.
Like... the apples! The memory kicked in with a flashback of Captain Barbossa's genetically manipulated apple fruits, which had within days become the most sought-after aphrodisiac in the Republic.
Stunned, he stared at Captain Sparrow.
And his "There are things even a pirate won't get" didn't sound as convinced anymore as he had wanted to say it.
The Captain made a grim face, then pouted, grinned: "Money he spent to pay the bail for a certain Jedi boy gone to the criminal side?"
"I didn't ask you to do it." Obi-Wan tried to argue, "And I didn't steal the F40 at all! It was a present of your Senator Turner!" The taste became stronger as Sparrow bent down to him.
"Aye, you didn't steal her," Sparrow whispered into Obi-Wan's ear "You know that, I know that, but the spaceway patrol doesn't know." He nuzzled the Jedi's neck. And the slow rocking of his hips showed Obi-Wan that Captain Sparrow liked what he felt.
"I don't believe this! You accused me of a crime I didn't commit to blackmail me into this?!" Obi-Wan's voice sounded as confused as he felt. Even Sparrow's hair smelled of the fruits. And his skin, too.
He started to shiver, as a once-experienced heat flashed back through his blood and made his penis stir. No! Not this! Not again!
He grabbed Sparrow's shoulders, tried to shove the pirate away, but suddenly he realized that the other man knew all too well how to hold a opponent in check. He would need the Force to get out of here.
And the Force was far, far away this morning.
"This is your last warning: If you continue that I'll get you accused of rape and abduction!" Obi-Wan threatened. But the skin under his hands felt tempting, surprisingly soft over taut muscles. He stroked down the arm, stopped at a tattoo that showed a flying life form. Involuntarily, his fingers followed the lines and stroked over the oddly shaped scar beneath.
The pirate watched him and smiled. "Rape, aye?" he asked with a chuckle, "All I do is make you hot enough to fuck me--and you call it rape!"
Obi-Wan didn't believe what he heard. "You want me to fuck you?"
"Aye," Sparrow said in a husky, pleading voice, "All hard and rough and make me scream, luv. Please!"
When the Jedi rescue team stormed the room, Obi-Wan did his best to obey. For the second time this late morning.
Six battle-proven Jedi froze dead in their tracks--as did the Padawan and the pirate on the bed.
"Stars above!" Master Windu sneered, switching off his lightsaber and clicking it on his belt, "You better reconsider your definition of 'distress', Qui-Gon!" Then he turned around and barked at the grinning Knights: "OUT!"
Qui-Gon Jinn almost forgot to deactivate his lightsaber, staring at the display on the bed: his Padawan balls-deep in the pirate captain whose hands were bound with a Padawan's sash to the headboard of his bed and whose ankles lay on Obi-Wan's shoulders.
If there had been a competition how to make a Jedi Master speechless, Obi-Wan would have won the championship unchallenged.
"Force, no-oh..." All Obi-Wan could do was to pull out, grab a sheet and hide under it. Not this! Force, what have I done, that he saw me like this! Obi-Wan felt the urge to scream in despair and bit into the sheets trying not to do so.
All arousal and haze was gone and he hurt more than after failing one of his advanced aerials and falling flat on his face and belly.
Master Windu cleared his throat in his 'stern Councillor' style, but the next one who spoke was Captain Sparrow: "Hi, lads, while you're there, could you untie that sash? I think my lover died right away."
"Well, I'm sure he wishes to die right now." His Master's even voice.
Obi-Wan wished he could disappear into the mattress, through the floor, through the walls, trough the vessel's hull into ice-cold space and would never been seen again.
Steps in a very familiar rhythm came close, then there was an additional weight on the mattress. Rustle of fabric and a cheerful "Thanks, lad. Hey, what... oh boy!" More rustle, a giggle. "You! Oops... yeah!"
"You don't want to do that, Qui-Gon!" Master Windu's voice--clearly amused.
That brought Obi-Wan's focus back to the here and now.
Master Windu used not to be amused by Master Jinn's deeds.
"Well, what to do, Mace, when my Padawan obviously chose to retire into a life as a silkworm." A deep sigh, muffled then, and Captain Sparrow's squirming led to a kick in Obi-Wan's ribs.
What the hell was going on?
Obi-Wan checked his training bond to his Master. He was shut out.
So, what would his Master do? It didn't sound as if Captain Sparrow was suffering, on the contrary, his hoarse "Please, please, pleeease" made the Force shine with pure lust.
Suddenly Obi-Wan felt much more sober than he wanted to be.
He raised a fold of his cover to peer at what was going on and saw Jedi beige tangled with pirate nakedness.
"Master!" The Padawan was up on his knees before thinking. Saw his Master lying half over the pirate and kissing him soundly.
"Master!!!"
It took quite a while before the two long-haired men parted, and their kiss hadn't been a fake. Obi-Wan's breath caught as he saw Qui-Gon run his tongue gently over Captain Sparrow's puffed lips, sneaking between them, and then the Jedi Master claimed the pirate in another searing kiss, while his right hand kept stroking...
Obi-Wan couldn't see it, because his Master's thigh and his tunics covered Jack Sparrow's groin, but the enthusiastic moans left no place for wishful thinking--wishing this was not happening.
A lesson in jealousy, then. Obi-Wan swallowed. Well, I deserve it.
He lowered his gaze and planned to endure it in silence, until his Master was inclined to speak with him again.
But why didn't Master Windu interfere? He looked up--and yelped in shock: "Master, don't!"
Two other heads came up.
"What's ... the problem, Padawan?" Master Windu asked in astonishment and bit into the apple once more.
"These are the apple fruits... the ones with the aphrodisiac I..."
"Umphhh!"
Obi-Wan had never seen such an unceremonious behaviour of a Council member as Master Windu spitting a mouthful of apple goo on the floor. "Sith hells, Kenobi!" He roared.
"Don't you curse my Padawan, Mace!" Master Jinn smirked. "Be grateful, he warned you."
"Ah! So at least he's your Padawan again! I'll see you in the Council Chamber! Both of you! And get rid of this..." An impatient gesture that could mean both, pirate and ship, and Master Windu's exit was very unserene.
"Well?" Two pairs of eyes--one blue, one brown--fixed on the Padawan, but Obi-Wan was only interested in the blue one.
A blink, and Qui-Gon bent down to suck Captain Sparrow's throat and continued his stroking.
"DON'T!" he wanted to shout, but all Obi-Wan did was watch his Master plunder the pirate's mouth, commandeer his body while Captain Sparrow tried frantically to get those damned tunics out of his way.
Obi-Wan had no idea how to react to this situation. Was this a punishment? If so, then for him, because Captain Sparrow was in heaven, wriggling and whimpering and suddenly thrusting hard into Qui-Gon's hand.
Or was he expected to join in?
If so?
He hesitatingly ran a hand up a naked thigh, and the result was marvellous: Captain Sparrow coming so hard that he screamed.
And ruined Master Jinn's tunics.
Obi-Wan gulped. It wasn't his lucky day at all.
Then he was grabbed and landed on his back next to a totally spent pirate and under a Jedi Master who couldn't decide whether to grin or to glare, and who looked very dashing that way.
"I'm sor..." he started, but was stopped by a "Shhh" and the sight of Qui-Gon covering his lips with a finger: "Never ever apologize for making love to someone, Padawan."
"But this..." he couldn't help wrinkling his nose.
"This one is good man who brought the two of us together as lovers by giving you some ice-cream as a present, never forget that!"
"Yes."
...and who probably kept me from being found in a certain Senator's bed.
Obi-Wan sighed and nodded. Yes, Captain Sparrow was a rogue, but he wasn't too bad at all. He looked at the half-dozing man, got a blissful smile from him, and smiled himself. "This is a Sithspawn, but... well, I think I might like him. A little."
His Master laughed, "Fine. Now that this is out, there is some unfinished business to attend to."
Obi-Wan blinked, then understood. "Here? Now?"
"Why not? Maybe we can learn a thing or two about piracy?"
"The 'Take what you can get' thing? Hm." Obi-Wan snickered. "But what if Master Windu returns?"
"Add a Force lock to the door, Obi-Wan."
"I..." I better have a try, before I give up and claim to be too drunk. He focussed, concentrated, and suddenly it was easy to move the bolt and order it to stay there. Obi-Wan smiled. The headache was gone too.
He laughed.
He was completely sober.
His Master's kiss soon made him feel drunk again, but in a way that would lead to no hangover.
--the end--