The Apple Incident

by Little Owl (grinning_little_owl@yahoo.de)

Archive: M_A
Category: Humour, Crossover, Q/O
Rating: NC 17
Summary: Why Master Yoda's plan to get some spacecraft for free floundered due to a piece of fruit
Disclaimers: The boys in here belong to George Lucas and the Disney Corp. And the apples belong to the Living Force.
Notes: A sequel to "Ice-Lollies and Fundraising". Lauranna wrote in her feedback to said story: "Gods, that's all the Jedi Order needs: Captain Jack Sparrow corrupting the padawans." Yes, and I need that too.
Feedback: yes please, on list/off list, as you like
Thanks to: Tem-ve for the beta-reading. All mistakes left are mine. Sorry again for the pirate pairing, Tem-ve, but I liked the idea. Little Owls are weird creatures.

This was the best morning in his life.

Obi-Wan was so pleased with himself and so well-fucked that he thought he would burst with joy. His face showed no Jedi serenity but a broad smile, and his walk was a lively swagger that made some Senate security officers whistle.

Yes, the universe loved him, the Force loved him, and his Master loved him as well.

Ah, no: his Master especially.

Yesterday, while returning to the temple, Obi-Wan had been doubtful about his future with his Master... as his lover. He had half expected Qui-Gon to lecture him about the tenet "There is no passion" and declare their lovemaking in a Senator's office a one-time incident that could not be repeated.

But thankfully he had been afraid without reason: Once he was in the Temple, he was in Qui-Gon's arms and half an hour later in bed with his surprisingly passionate Master--until two hours ago.

Now he had a mission. The mission the little green headmaster had plotted yesterday: Buy some ice cream, give a certain Senator some lascivious looks and thus earn some spacecraft for the Order. Easy job for a budding diplomat.

So he thought.

Yet the Force willed something else this morning.

"I'm looking for the Senator of the Caribbean planets, a Senator Turner," Obi-Wan told the receptionist droid in the entrance hall of the Senate building. "In fact I'm looking for his assistant or aide, but I don't know his name. He's human, about my height, has dark long hair, and yesterday he wore a red headband and some beads in his hair and his beard..."

The receptionist droid scanned its vid files and sent sizzling electro-impulses into the air to express its disgust: "Captain Jack Sparrow, no doubt. The office is building 3A, floor 12/6, room 2358."

"Thank you." Obi-Wan bowed. The ice cream guy had a military rank? Well, it should be interesting to see how he looked and behaved in his official function, then.

As if the Force wanted to mock him, Senator Turner's office turned out to be the very room where he had made love with Qui-Gon for the first time, not twenty hours ago.

In front of the door sat a small furry life form with a comlink in its paws. It was in a shirt, vest, and trousers, but had no shoes, and its feet bore a resemblance to its hands.

"Greetings." Obi-Wan bowed, not sure whether that being was an official. "Senator Turner?" he assumed.

The little being shrieked, bared its fangs and ran away on three legs--or two feet and a hand, the comlink pressed against its belly.

Well, Obi-Wan thought, for a Senator this one shuns publicity too much. The Force might know who or what this one was. The being jumped on a lamp and showed its teeth again--and no behaviour befitting a Senator at all.

Obi-Wan rang the doorbell of office 2358.

No answer.

But through the Force he felt that someone was in the room.

He palmed the bell button again. His Master would probably have tried a Force suggestion, but Obi-Wan had no firm grasp of that technique, not to mention the moral scruples he got, when he saw Qui-Gon tricking his way through the universe.

Therefore he gave the bell a third nudge.

Someone muttered inside.

Heavy steps approached the door.

The door opened. A tall unkempt man with a ragged beard and a long scar on his cheek glared at him: "What are you looking at? Hope you've got a very good reason to disturb!" His only clothing were black trousers and boots. He was covered in sweat and stank of sex and booze.

Obi-Wan took a step back. "Senator Turner?" he asked, a little intimidated. That man loomed over him like his Master would, but unlike his Master he radiated pure darkness. He scrutinised the Padawan from head to toe and showed very bad teeth as he grinned. "Hell and damnation save me from being that miserable pup! What do you want?"

"I would like to speak with Captain Sparrow." Obi-Wan squared his shoulders. Yes, he was impressed, but he would withstand the Dark Side and its representatives.

"Who's there, Barbossa?" a dazed voice asked from within the office. Obi-Wan recognised it as the ice cream vendor's.

"Dunno. Some Jedi whelp." The man called Barbossa shrugged.

"Ask him in."

"Ah, it's you! In trouble with ice-lollies again?" The Caribbean captain had not changed a thing in his makeup and jewellery since yesterday. He wriggled into his pants and grabbed his sash from the floor. He dried his stomach and fingers carelessly on the fabric before he offered Obi-Wan a hand: "Don't worry, lad, we were finished."

Obi-Wan preferred to keep his hands in the sleeves of his robe. "I'm really sorry to disturb you..." His voice faltered as Barbossa stepped behind Captain Sparrow and laid his hands on the young man's torso, while he nuzzled his neck. Rough hands caressed his nipples, trailed down his belly. Sparrow smiled at Obi-Wan and leaned back into the embrace. It didn't take a Jedi's senses to see how arousing the touch of the dark rogue was. But feeling it through the Force almost knocked Obi-Wan out.

The Caribbean aide's smile broadened. With a hiss he bit his lower lip, and his eyes almost closed as Barbossa's hand disappeared under the waistband of his pants. But through his lashes he held Obi-Wan's gaze, then licked his lips only for the Jedi: "Want to join in, lad? What's your name, by the way?"

"My name is Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and no, I don't want to 'join in'," he said with a sarcasm his Master would have reprimanded him for, "I take it you're not in the mood to talk business?"

Barbossa chuckled. "No, he's not, whelp, so fuck off, 'cause good ol' Jack Sparrow isn't finished yet!"

"It's Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please! And Captain Jack Sparrow decides himself when he's fucked up." Suddenly angry, the Caribbean aide stabbed the other man with his elbow in the chest to free himself. He went to the desk, where he had lain some minutes ago and fetched a bottle half full of a brown liquid. He took a gulp, offered the bottle to Obi-Wan.

The Jedi raised his hands in refusal. "I'm just here because of the ice-lollies." he said with a forced smile to hide his embarrassment, "Would you please sell me some?"

The Captain sighed dramatically and shook his head, that the jewellery in his braids jingled. "I'd really like to, but the Wookiees bought them all." He passed the bottle to Barbossa to give the man's hands something else to do.

"And you don't have one single package left?" Obi-Wan asked with disbelief.

"Not even a snippet of a packaging! These furry guys can be very convincing when they're looming over you. I mean, they paid for everything, so there's really no reason to complain." He flashed Obi-Wan an encouraging smile and stroked himself down his stomach, knowing exactly why the Jedi boy looked so uneasy, "Don't you worry, luv, next week we'll get a new delivery..."

"A little too late for today's education committee session," Obi-Wan remarked dryly.

"So how about a bottle of rum?" Sparrow nodded at the bottle his companion was just putting away to start groping again, "Best survival ration for boring business, so to say."

"No, thank you, it won't do." Obi-Wan decided to confess Master Yoda's plot. Maybe an explanation would make these two weird love-birds want to help him. "See, when I ate that ice-lolly yesterday the way you showed me, one of the senators became, uh, sort of...well interested, and he was so kind to push through all our education budget in the following session. And today there's the possibility to get some spacecraft as a donation in kind and..."

"Therefore, instead of commandeering a spacecraft as every good pirate would do, you want to seduce that poor man to give you one as a present, I see." Captain Sparrow's gorgeous grin lit up his face. "Sounds a little bit like prostitution to me, doesn't it?"

"Hey, I didn't..." Obi-Wan felt he was blushing and became angry because of that.

Barbossa laughed aloud. He let go of his lover, lifted a box from the floor and opened it. "That's the solution for your problem, lad!" The box was filled with yellow-green fruits: "Apples! Try one of those!"

Obi-Wan looked warily at the fruits. They were round and somewhat smaller than his fist. Quite unlike the man who was offering them, they looked good, shone in the Living Force and smelled appetising.

"Beautiful, aren't they? By the way, on our planets the apple is a symbol of seduction." Barbossa explained with a leer, "There's an old story about a girl with an apple that the priests always rake up to tell you that fucking is a fucking sin and all that rubbish. Whoever muttonhead thought up that story be damned to the depths!"

"That'll be the French, I wager." Captain Sparrow made a big show of choosing an apple and bit into it. "Have a try." He winked at Obi-Wan, "Or is having sex a sin for you, too?" Worried, "You Jedi aren't eunuchs, are you?"

"No!" Obi-Wan was furiously blushing now. But what to tell them? Hey, we have a lot of sex, but I lost my virginity last night at the age of twenty-four? That was nothing to be proud of, that was ridiculous, though Master Qui-Gon had been somehow enchanted. "Chastity is nothing the Jedi strive for, because sexual abstinence is considered to lead to frustration and suffering," he stated primly.

Councillor Windu would have probably told them something else, but thanks to the Force and the wisdom of age Master Yoda wanted his knights relaxed and happy.

Obi-Wan took one of these greenish symbols of sin, checked it through the Force for any contamination or pesticides, but found none. Cautiously he bit into it. He expected some bad surprise in composition or temperature as yesterday, but hmmm... That fruit was good.

Full of juice, refreshing and a little sweet, it made him think of trees and gardens and the whole Living Force.

"Do you like it?" Barbossa asked, and Captain Sparrow watched him with eager anticipation, too.

Obi-Wan nodded with a grin. "Very good."

"Take some." Barbossa offered with a gesture of invitation, "And don't forget to give one to the Senator you want to seduce."

"Yup. But consider commandeering a spacecraft, luv." Captain Sparrow recommended with stuffed cheeks, "Otherwise you're really missing the fun!"

Obi-Wan picked three more apples: One for his lunch break, one for Qui-Gon and one for this pesky but useful Senator whose name he had already forgotten.

Qui-Gon was waiting in front of the conference room.

"Preparations complete?" he asked, his businesslike tone smoothened by a little smile.

Obi-Wan swallowed the last bit of his first apple. "Yes, but we had to change plans because the Wookiees bought all the ice cream." He showed his Master one of the fruits he had stuffed in his sleeve. "I'll have to eat these instead." He lowered his voice: "On the Caribbean planets they are considered to be a symbol of seduction."

"Let's hope they'll meet Master Yoda's expectations."

Master Yoda was already seated in the conference room. He looked up and his ears rose as he watched the Master-Padawan pair enter the room and sit down next to him. He winked and leaned over to Obi-Wan, waved with a claw, and Obi-Wan bent over Qui-Gon's legs in an effort to hear him over the Wookiee roar at the next table.

"A bet Master Windu lost," the little green Master whispered with a cackle. "Qui-Gon doing his apprentice, never happen this will be, he said. Hrmph, not the foggiest idea this pompous youngling has!"

"Master!" Qui-Gon hissed.

Obi-Wan chuckled. Yes, it was definitely a beautiful morning. He sat upright, the picture of perfect Jedi serenity for every watcher's benefit.

The bell rang, and the session started.

Soon, it turned out to be as boring as yesterday.

And hot.

And ... somehow strange.

Obi-Wan gulped for air as the heat flowed through his veins like liquid gold.

He turned his head to look at his Master, but Qui-Gon just rose to answer a question.

Obi-Wan tried to relax and to will the heat away. To his surprise the Force didn't accept it. He sought refuge in his Master's Force aura and found comfort there and in the sound of his low voice. The feeling wasn't just comforting--it became beautiful. Beautiful beyond all measure. Need to touch. Need to feel...

What are you doing, Kenobi! he rebuked himself as he became aware of his half outstretched hand. Hastily he thrust it back into the sleeve of his robe.

But it is really hot in here!

Worse than yesterday.

He sighed and wiped sweat from his face. Pump up that air conditioner for the Force's sake, please!

Qui-Gon sat down.

Obi-Wan looked at him, wanted to ask for permission to leave the room. But no: He had caused enough trouble in front of the minister yesterday. There was nothing he would not endure as long as he was at his Master's side.

Force, how I love him! he thought, suppressing the urge to touch Qui-Gon again... Wish I could pull you into my arms, kiss you, devour you. Here. Right now. Your lips. I want to taste your lips, Qui-Gon, your skin, and... wow... they changed something about the light in here. It shines on you only to make you radiate pure beauty, and this smile, well, the little smile wasted on one of those boring senators, it itches, you know, that damned little smile creeps under my skin, sits there snickering, oh, oh no... your smile is a wizard, you know, makes my hair stand up on the back of my neck, on my arms, makes my nipples feel the fabric of my tunics, rough, yeah, as some stranger's caress, and my cock...

Shielding, Kenobi... you're in a Senate session, dammit! Think of cold showers! Ah, but what a hot shower could do together with you, seeing you naked, aroused. I make you turn, face the wall, steady yourself with outstretched arms against the tiles, bending slightly down...trice-damned-and-the-Sith, Kenobi! Shield it!

Try to release it into the Force! Better. But ... Master... under the shower... and me... pushing-my-cock-up-your-ass-and-fucking-you-hard-hard...oh.

What for the Force's sake is that? Heart rate, oh my, that's fighting speed, and sweat runs off me like off a stampeding Bantha! But that's funny, feeling every single bead trickling down my side and ah, just that, yes, yesss, just this little more friction... does anybody see? No? Good! Stars above! Getting a hard-on over a Senate committee session... oooh-and-you-will-moan,-beg-for-more,-pant for-more,-will-get-more,-Qui-Gon-Master-pleeease...

//Are you not well, Padawan?// Qui-Gon's face was neutral, but the mental question was coloured with concern. Obi-Wan was flushed, his eyes glittered, the pupils so dilated that his eyes looked black instead of grey.

//No, I'm...// He could not prevent it. The shield around his training bond broke, and Qui-Gon's eyes became wide as his mind was flooded with his Padawan's sensations.

//That's no fun, Padawan!//

//I can't help it, Master...// Touch me, please, or I'll go mad! Gimme your hand, Qui-Gon! Master-please-please-please...

//OUT!//

A small nod to Yoda, and Qui-Gon stood up.

Obi-Wan rose too, shivering, craving a touch, wishing to bury his face in Qui-Gon's tunics, in the skin of his chest, digging his nails into the muscles of his back, ...-into-the-flesh-of-your-ass-caressing-it-stroking-your-buttocks-and-pressing-my-fingers-between-the-cheeks,-finding-that-spot-to-make-you...

A Force shove sent him on his way.

//Control, Padawan! You're broadcasting to every Force-sensitive being in the whole building!//

Control, yeah, how-to-control-myself-with-my-Master-behind-me,-behind-me,-behind-me,-just-have-to-stop-to-make-him-bump-into-me, want-to-throw-him-over...

"Ow!"

Qui-Gon's fingers dug bruisingly into his arm as he led his Padawan out of the conference room, slammed him against the wall of the hall. //Is that the result of my allowing you to be my lover, Obi-Wan!//

"No, Master, please, it's..." Even the tunics seemed to be too tight now. Obi-Wan gasped for air, tried to tear the much too hot clothes wide open. Don't-shout-at-me-please-please-please-let-me-please-you...

Qui-Gon grabbed his wrists and pinned them against the wall before his Padawan undressed himself. The apples fell out of the robe sleeve and rolled across the floor.

Obi-Wan shook his head. "No, please, forget them..." He bowed to Qui-Gon's chest, snuggled up to his Master as close as possible, tried to kiss his neck.

No,-don't-you-pick-up-the-silly-apples-and-no!-For-what-in-the-Sith's-hells-do-we-need-an-air-taxi-now?-Just...nooooooo!

//SLEEP!//

The Force suggestion hit him like a blow to the forehead. With a groan, he sagged into Qui-Gon's arms.

"No, he was not poisoned." The healer waved its tentacles and coloured them turquoise, a signal of encouragement in its species. "The fruit he ate enhances the sex drive, that's all. Let him sleep under Force suggestion until his system has broken down the stuff. He'll be all right with no damage remaining, except for maybe a kind of hangover." It saw Qui-Gon out of the room where his apprentice slept. "The only damage done is to his reputation as the most well-mannered Padawan of the Temple, but honestly, Master Jinn, who cares about decorum if he has a healthy apprentice?"

Qui-Gon nodded.

"You should return to the Senate hearing," the healer suggested. "We will care for Padawan Kenobi by simply keeping him asleep for the next hours."

Master Yoda sat on a bench in the Senate's reception hall when Qui-Gon returned.

"How is Obi-Wan?" he asked.

"Sound asleep." Qui-Gon couldn't help smiling with relief. "The healer says it was the fruits. They seem to work as an aphrodisiac. How was the session?" He sat down next to his former Master.

"Delayed it is." Master Yoda's ears quivered with amusement, "Broadcast his lust into the Force Obi-Wan did so strongly that think of sex nearly every sentient being in the room had to."

"Considering the number of sentient politicians that shouldn't have caused much distraction."

"A great commotion it still is!" Master Yoda cackled, "When start the Wookiees with their courtship chants did, the Senate's security showed up. Not finished yet clearing the room they are..." He pointed his gimmer stick at three security officers who clung to a Wookiee who was running after a furry being of another species who in turn was after a Rodian. "A kind of movement at last there is in the Senate's politics."

"Seems so." Qui-Gon rose.

"Where will you go, Padawan?"

"Kick the ass of the bastard who gave Obi-Wan that fruit." Qui-Gon took the remaining apple out of the sleeve of his robe.

"Padawan, kicking other people's ass a Jedi Master becomes not!" Yoda stood up too, "But nevertheless, a look at that guy I will have."

"Yes, I'm Senator William Turner." The young man with the neat moustache and the trace of a beard was no older than Obi-Wan. He had friendly brown eyes and an endearing smile that faded to a frown as he was confronted with a very tall Jedi Master glowering at him. "How can I help you?"

"I'm looking for your assistant who gave my apprentice some of these fruits."

"That's an apple," the Senator said. "What's wrong with it?"

"For you, obviously nothing." Qui-Gon pointed to Senator Turner's desk where a half-eaten apple lay next to a datapad. "But my apprentice, a human of your age, developed an absolutely unreasonable sex drive after eating one of your apples and blew up an education committee session with that!"

Senator Turner paled. He swallowed and looked at the remains of the apple and at the box full of fruits next to his desk.

He had a closer look at the box.

The logo on the box read: "Barbossa's Genetic Manipulation, Inc. Enhance your Plants to Please you"

"Oh, fuck..." Senator Turner breathed. Then he addressed the Jedi, "I'm very sorry, gentlemen. Captain Barbossa is my assistant's former ... uh ...business partner. They both invested some money in bio tech when piracy wasn't worth the effort any longer. And sometimes Barbossa brings us his latest creations to test them. He always had a kink for apples."

He wiped some sweat off his forehead, "But there is nothing really damaging to health in these apples?" he asked reluctantly, obviously feeling uncomfortably warm in his clothes.

"No, just horny like a mating Bantha for a while you will be." Master Yoda shooed his former Padawan out of the office, leaving a slightly trembling Senator Turner behind. "Got to go we have. May the Force be with you."

Before the door of office 2358 closed, the Jedi saw the young Senator stride to a door on the left side of the room: "JACK!"

"See, Padawan, do rude things to other people's ass necessary for you is not."

--the end--