Any Small Comfort

by obi-ki

Title: Any Small Comfort

Author: obi-ki

Pairings: Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan

Rating: PG

Category: Angst, POV

Disclaimers: Everything Star Wars belongs to George Lucas and Lucasfilms. I am just playing in his world, borrowing the boyz and their accomplices and will return them all when I'm through. No money is being made from this, it is all done for entertainment only.

Author's Notes: This story was my contribution to this year's Constrict Zine, kid fic theme. Thank you Sian for putting the Zine together year after year. The story references one of my earlier stories, 'Standing Witness' but can be read without knowledge of those events. Many thanks to Mona and Merry Amelie for the thorough betas and helpful suggestions. I couldn't have done it without them. As always, I couldn't resist making a few final tweaks, so all mistakes are mine.

Summary: Painful events unearth some equally painful memories and the tiniest ray of hope.

His time in hyperspace had already seemed endless, even though in reality it had only been twenty hours since Obi-Wan Kenobi had left Master Yoda and Bail Organa on the Tantive IV, in orbit above Polis Massa. As a Jedi master, he should have been beyond such restlessness, but with only the pain and despair of recent events and the tiny child currently nestled in his arms for company, he was finding his normal serenity severely lackling.

Looking down at the baby, Obi-Wan was inundated with another wave of despair. Even without the visual similarities between Luke and his father, there was no way that he would not have recognized the relationship. Luke's Force aura was imbued with many of the same nuances that Anakin's had contained during the early years of his apprenticeship, and Obi-Wan's heart wrenched again at the loss of the bright and inquisitive boy who had shared his life for thirteen years.

Blue eyes blinked open and Obi-Wan stared at the child he had reluctantly agreed to protect. There was so much trust and intelligence in Luke's two-day-old gaze and the look brought back memories of another time when Obi-Wan had served as a guardian to a newborn child.

Grabbing a nursing pack from the bag on the floor beside him, Obi-Wan settled the nipple into Luke's mouth and let his mind drift back to the memories of that much happier time.

14 years earlier---Royal Gardens of House Kintyre, Varonat.

Obi-Wan sat beside his master and sipped his ale, watching the family flock around baby Wynt. The birth of Prince Wynt, the first child of Crown Prince Jian and Princess Nyastria and first grandchild of King Aidan and Queen Cliaryn, was a jubilant occasion for House Kintyre and he and Qui-Gon had been honored guests at the festivities.

Thirty years ago, Qui-Gon had stood as second witness at Aidan's bonding to Cliaryn and had later stood as bond-guardian at the presentation of each of the King's children, including Crown Prince Jian. Three years ago, history had repeated itself and Obi-Wan had stood as second witness at Jian's bonding. Today, Obi-Wan had been the one holding Prince Wynt in his arms and presenting him to the crowd gathered in the Royal Courtyard as Qui-Gon had done with his father twenty-five years ago. With the proud parents, grandparents and his master flanking them, the Vicar had proclaimed the child's name and title, and confirmed Obi-Wan as his bond-guardian, officially giving him responsibility for the boy should any harm ever befall his mother and father.

Looking at the group of adults and children fawning over the happy baby, Obi-Wan turned to his master and lover. "Do you ever wonder what it would have been like? To have grown up in a typical family setting, with parents and siblings, grandparents, cousins, uncles and the rest?"

If the question surprised Qui-Gon, it did not show on his face or over their bond. "Not really. When I was young enough to have wanted that type of relationship, I had no idea it even existed. I was only about 6 months old when the finders brought me to the Temple. By the time I started going on missions and was exposed to other cultural mores, becoming a Jedi knight was my sole focus. You?"

Obi-Wan thought about it for a minute before answering. "Not when I was little, but as I got closer to being chosen or not chosen, and Bruck started becoming a daily thorn in my side, there were times I wondered what it would be like to be part of a family. To know that no matter what happened, whether you succeeded or failed, your family would be there for you and stand behind you, unconditionally."

"I can understand that," Qui-Gon replied, more than a touch of guilt in his voice. "I never doubted I would be chosen when I was a child, never suffered through the stress that you and many others lived through. But after I became a knight, I began to have doubts about the arbitrary age deadline built into the padawan selection process. Senior initiates may be Jedi children, but they are still eleven and twelve-year-old children, and putting that much pressure on children that age is wrong."

"What about as a master?" Obi-Wan asked.

Qui-Gon's confusion was evident as he asked, "What do you mean?"

"As a master with a young apprentice, did you ever wish you could interact with your padawan more as a parent and less as a teacher?"

"Often," Qui-Gon replied with a sigh. "It would have been nice to be able to be a little more flexible; to not have to be the strict disciplinarian all the time. But that astro-navigation assignment that's not completed or the hand-to-hand combat move that's not mastered isn't just trivial information. That lack of knowledge could cost that padawan, or someone he is charged to protect, his life."

"Yes, I can see that now," Obi-Wan said with a slight chuckle. "Though I must admit my answer would have been very different if the question had been asked when I was seventeen and you'd just made me do three hours of continual repetitions of the sonal exercises."

Obi-Wan glanced back over at the group and saw Wynt was now cradled in his father's arms. He turned back to look at his lover. "I know that in some ways having a padawan is similar but have you ever regretted the fact that as a Jedi you weren't able to have a child of your own?"

It was Qui-Gon's turn to look over at the family group across the garden and then back at his lover. "Not until very recently," he admitted with a slight smile.

Gray-green eyes widened as Obi-Wan stared at Qui-Gon. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Qui-Gon reached over and took hold of one of Obi-Wan's hands. "If you think I'm saying that I've been thinking about what it would be like to raise a child with you, then yes, that is what I am saying."

One red-gold eyebrow rose in a look Obi-Wan had learned from his master. "Well, since we can't have a child the normal way, I assume you're talking about adoption but how could we raise a child with the life we lead?"

"I wasn't thinking about now. I was looking at a point a few years down the road," Qui-Gon amended. "You'll be knighted soon - within the year, I would expect - and my reflexes are slowing. I don't see me staying active in the field much longer."

"Sounds like you've given this a lot of thought," Obi-Wan said.

"Honestly, the idea originated when you received the comm from Jian announcing Nyastria's pregnancy," Qui-Gon admitted. "And I just haven't been able to get the thought out of my head - the idea of us having a child together and raising that child."

Qui-Gon's specific choice of words caught Obi-Wan's attention. "Having a child together? I assumed you meant you were considering adoption but you want one of us to father through a surrogate?"

"This isn’t how I planned to bring up the topic but since the merkit is out of the bag, so to speak, yes a surrogate was a part of my best-case scenario," Qui-Gon said.

"Part of?" Obi-Wan mimicked.

"I will explain everything, but first I need to know how you feel about this. Does this idea hold any appeal for you?" Qui-Gon squeezed the hand he was holding and looked intently into his partner's eyes. "And you cannot allow my desires in this to sway your own, Obi-Wan. This would be a major, life-altering decision for both of us and your choice needs to be made freely without any undo influence from me."

"I can't say that I haven't daydreamed about it from time to time, but never with any thought that the dream could possibly become reality," Obi-Wan admitted. "In our lives, raising a padawan is as close as we ever come to having a legacy… to leaving someone behind to carry on our teachings and stand up for our beliefs. My highest aspiration is to stand as a staunch testament to your teachings, my Master, and to one day be able to pass those teachings on to another generation of Jedi." He smiled and continued, "Though I must say, that the idea of raising a child together from infancy, especially a child one of us fathered biologically, is a concept I find extremely appealing. I just don't see how we could make it happen."

"When I'm ready to retire from field duty, I was hoping to take up a teaching position, either at the main Temple or in one of the smaller Temples. Once I was settled in that position, I planned to petition the Council for permission to sire and raise a child," Qui-Gon explained. "I've been doing some research on in-vitro fertilization and surrogacy and there have been new breakthroughs made in embryonic genetics. An individual's genetic material can be infused into the unfertilized egg of the host mother as long as there is a match between a certain number of key genetic markers between the host and the donor, similar to the matches necessary when transplanting a donor organ. As a result, the child is genetically a combination of the three individuals. The Ladea Clinic on Talasea has successfully birthed over six thousand children for same-sex or infertile couples using this method in the past two years."

Obi-Wan sat with his mouth hanging open for a bit, digesting what Qui-Gon had just told him. "So, you're telling me we could have a child that would be ours?"

Parin's arrival interrupted Qui-Gon's verbal reply but the smile he wore told Obi-Wan all he needed to know. "Father says that you two have hidden from the holo-photographer long enough, and if you don't come over right now, Master Qui-Gon, he said he'll tell Obi-Wan about Club Foicyt."

Qui-Gon rose from his chair but Obi-Wan remained seated and looked up at King Aidan's youngest son. "That might be a threat for Master Qui-Gon, Parin, but I can safely say it would be more of a reward for me."

Parin laughed. "Jian thought you might say that so he told me to remind you about Rermond's."

With that, Obi-Wan was on his feet and grabbing his lover's hand. "Shall we go and face the ferocious holo-photographer, my Master? We are Jedi, after all, and should be able to confront the most dire situations with heads held high."

The feel of Luke squirming in his arms brought Obi-Wan back to the present. Looking down into Luke's innocent face, Obi-Wan was swamped by another wave of sadness. Cruel twists of fate had left them both orphaned and alone. The Sith had taken the man he loved from Obi-Wan and a war that the Jedi should never have been fighting had led to the betrayal that had taken both his mother and father from Luke.

He and Qui-Gon had spent two more days with their semi-adoptive family on Varonat, and every time either of them had held baby Wynt in his arms, Obi-Wan had imagined the possibility of holding their own child the same way some time in the not-too-distant future. It had been a relaxing time full of hopes and dreams of the future - a future filled with light and love and so many possibilities.

They had been sent out on another mission directly from Varonat and during their rare moments of down-time, they had continued to discuss the possibilities of having a child. When they had finally returned to the Temple five missions later, Qui-Gon had even gone so far as to send genetic samples to the fertility specialists on Talasea, along with the requisite monetary deposit of credits to start the testing required for the surrogate search.

Then Naboo had happened and their dreams of having a child had burnt to ash on Qui-Gon's pyre. Anakin had become his responsibility and the return of the Sith had changed the face of the galaxy, so he had lamented his losses only in the privacy in his mind and heart.

About three years after the Naboo mission, Obi-Wan had received a communication from the Ladea Clinic, saying they had found a possible surrogate and inquiring whether or not they were still interested in going forward with the procedure. It had taken every bit of the Jedi serenity that Qui-Gon had drilled into him to contact the facility and explain that it was no longer feasible. Another part of his heart had died that day.

Obi-Wan had returned to Varonat five years later, for just one day, for the presentation ceremony of Jian's second child, Princess Hyatia. Holding the child in his arms had brought all those dreams back to the fore, but he had put up a stoic Jedi front. He and Qui-Gon had never shared their potential plans with anyone and he hadn't wanted to say anything that would put a damper on the happy occasion. Obi-Wan had been relieved when the Clone Wars had kept him from returning for the birth of Jian's third child, and Prince Parin had been called to stand as his proxy at the presentation of Qui-Gon's namesake, Prince Quinn.

Now Obi-Wan would never again travel to Varonat to visit with Jian and his family, would never again see the children he had sworn an oath to protect. Unlike Qui-Gon, he would not stand beside the Crown Prince when he took his oath as king, nor would he stand beside Prince Wynt when he was proclaimed Crown Prince of House Kintyre after his father's coronation. He knew Palpatine would never stop looking for the surviving Jedi and, as a result, anyone he came into contact with would be placed in mortal danger.

Truth be told, Obi-Wan now had only one responsibility and that responsibility currently lay sleeping in his arms. He had promised Padme that he would see that her children were kept safe from the clutches of the Emperor. Sadly, to insure their safety, Luke and Leia were not even going to have the comfort of growing up together. Bail Organa had agreed to become Leia's guardian, taking her back to Alderaan where he and Breha would raise her as their own. She would be raised as a Princess of House Organa and Bail would use his position to do whatever it took to keep her safe.

Obi-Wan had agreed to become Luke's guardian but his role would be much more passive than Bail's. He would take the boy to Anakin's stepbrother Owen and his wife Beru and they would raise him. Obi-Wan would find a small homestead to settle in and remain on Tatooine to watch over the boy and to insure that no hint of his existence would ever leak out. He would not be involved in the boy's day-to-day life, but he would watch from afar and keep tabs on Luke's growth and happiness.

Lifting the child slightly, Obi-Wan pressed his forehead to Luke's and used the Force to create a faint link with the boy. It would not be enough that Luke would ever feel it, but it would allow Obi-Wan to have a sense of the child's health and well-being. He would hold Luke's Light within his heart during his exile, to keep him strong and focused until it was time for him to step from the shadows.

Obi-Wan thought back to what Yoda had told him aboard the Tantive IV. If Qui-Gon had indeed found a way to communicate from the netherworld of the Force and did make contact with him, maybe they could watch over Luke together. It wouldn’t be the same as raising their own child, but in the last fourteen years, few things had turned out the way Obi-Wan had planned or dreamed. If he could have the companionship of his former master and lover, even if it was in the form of a disembodied voice or a shimmering blue ghost, he would take it gladly. After all that had transpired, Obi-Wan would take any small comfort that the Force deemed fit to provide.

The End