And You Are

by Nightsister (sop2nd@yahoo.com)

Archive: M/A

Category: AU, Non Q/O (Q/X)

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters are the property of Lucasfilm. The author makes no money from this.

Summary: A prequel to The Returning Chamber - Qui-Gon snoops

Feedback: sop2nd@yahoo.com

Thanks to: majilique for the original beta, and Comtesse for the co-conspiratorial activities and bunny breeding.

Warning: Some under-18 sexual situations, but no actual action is involved

"Hello, anybody here?"

Qui-Gon Jinn stepped into his old home and was immediately assaulted by the smell of gimer tree and chav -- he had forgotten how just how pervasive the smell of gimer was. Sneezing, he took a cursory glance around the suite.

He had just gotten back to Coruscant and had the day to himself; Tahl was spending the day with her old master and some of her padrils. Qui-Gon had hoped to find his own padrin in, as he hadn't seen him in some time and, frankly, had missed him. A lot.

Still sneezing, he quickly looked around for any signs of humanoid life, and jumped when the comm beeped. He found some paper tissues, blew his nose quickly, and answered the comm as if it were the most normal thing in the galaxy to do. He suddenly realized he had no right to do so in his master's home, but by then it was too late.

Thankfully, it was only Mace Windu.

"Qui-Gon? What are you doing there?"

"Looking for my padras -- I just got back from Daneb. Do you know where they are?"

The holo of Mace smiled. "Master Yoda and your padrin went to meet with Gallofree. They put in a bid to manufacture some transports for us, and Xanatos is flying some of the test models. Master Yaddle and your padawan are on Alderaan; the Antilles family is sponsoring the Librarians' Assembly and Convention this year. You just missed them, but they should all be back on planet tomorrow."

Qui-Gon's shoulders slumped in disappointment. "Tahl and I due on Ryloth tomorrow; today's my only day off." He sighed. "Thanks anyway, Mace. Did you want to leave a message?"

"Yes. Get off and don't answer this time," the other man instructed. "It's going to be long."

After signing off with Mace, Qui-Gon wandered around his old suite. He didn't want to go back to his own place, the one he shared with Tahl, but he was getting bored.

He eventually found himself in Xanatos's bedroom. As usual, the padawan's room was immaculate to the point that it almost felt unoccupied: bed made perfectly, models hung at exactly the same height, nothing on the floor that didn't belong there, datapads arranged carefully in order of subject, then alphabetically by author, journals laying neatly in the middle of the desk, waiting for the writer to come home-

Xanatos's journals: the ones he'd started two years ago, on his fifteenth birthday. The ones all padawans received so they could write down their thoughts and actions during increasingly difficult missions. But if Qui-Gon remembered his own journals correctly, there should be far more than mere mission reports in those pages -- he himself had entered every youthful desire, every silly thought, every childish and child-like dream -- things that made him cringe reading it again years later. Would Xanatos's journals contain the same awkward fantasies and hopes that embarrassed many a Jedi when they reread their entries as adults?

Qui-Gon shook his head and smiled. The young man was fast becoming the most promising Jedi in the Temple -- Master Yoda's personal letters were full of proud acknowledgments of his final padawan's accomplishments. Xanatos was smart, efficient, good with a lightsaber and extremely conscientious. He might be a little standoffish, but both Master Yoda and Qui-Gon agreed that it was more a matter of his almost painful shyness than anything else. Master Yaddle simply thought he was a quiet boy, more prone to studying in the library than making friends.

No, Xanatos would not have fantasies, awkward or otherwise. He was far too self-assured and confident, and wise beyond his years.

But the urge to open the journals continued to nag.

~Stop it!~ Qui-Gon commanded himself. He couldn't read Xanatos's diaries; it would be a complete and unforgivable breach of trust. Padawan journals didn't even have locks; Jedi simply didn't go snooping into other people's property.

Qui-Gon opened the first journal to a random page and cautiously started to read:

Page 32: Padawan Lisle smiled at me again today. Not a regular smile either; again, she made me feel like I was something she wanted to eat. It made me very uncomfortable. I tried to keep sparring, but she just stopped in the middle of practice and asked me to tutor her in the Seventh form later tonight. It was weird, because she's already quite good at the Seventh form. I told her that I had to study, and she just rolled her eyes and walked away from me. I don't understand what happened, I'll have to ask Qui-Gon about it.

Qui-Gon smiled sadly, remembering his then fifteen-year-old padrin's confused face. Sanna Lisle, a senior padawan, had decided that Xanatos was her 'toy of the moment.' He was, perhaps understandably, bewildered and hurt when she abruptly stopped paying attention to him two weeks later, in favor of a new 'toy.' Qui-Gon had had to gently explain the ways of conquest seekers. Xanatos hadn't fully understood it then, and probably still didn't understand it now.

Qui-Gon flipped more pages, hoping that the journal wouldn't be filled with similar hurts and misunderstandings.

Page 58: I think I realized I loved him "that way" during Fete Week last year. They had taken us out, and we were wandering the stalls like usual -- I had Mara and we had run ahead. They had stopped at one stall -- a scarf maker -- and she was trying one on. As I turned around, I saw him nod his approval, then kiss her. He kissed her on the lips! It felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach, and all of a sudden, I wanted to kill her. How dare he kiss her? And how dare she kiss him back like that? In public, no less! They had just come back from Almania the day before, and I had seen them the day they left. I swear I had no idea they were together. I thought they were just working partners. He never said anything to me.

Qui-Gon closed the journal with a snap, his pulse thudding dully in his ears. Xanatos was writing about loving him? This was an early entry, and the mission to which he was referring had happened over three years ago. Xanatos was confessing that he fell in love with his padrin at fourteen?

~Idiot. Shouldn't be reading this~ he thought guiltily. But it was too late now. Almost fearfully, he opened another page, a more recent entry:

Page 125: Qui-Gon's suite flooded. It would've been funny, had Mara not caught a cold because of it. Master Yoda offered to let them stay with us, and Knight Tahl went back to her master's suite. Qui-Gon's old room has long been a home office, though, so Mara got my bed, Qui-Gon got the big couch in the main room, and I got the smaller one across from his. Never mind that I'm almost sixteen and growing taller every day -- I'll pass my padrin at this rate -- I still got stuck with the short couch. It didn't occur to me to lay the cushions on the floor, and I cramped my neck pretty badly during the night. But what happened in the morning made it all worth it.

Qui-Gon and I talked almost all night, which was wonderful. He told me about the missions he's been on recently, and even though he also talked about Knight Tahl, I didn't mind it that much. He really seems to like her, and his eyes light up whenever he tells me about something funny she said or did. I can tell he's falling for her, and even though it hurts a little, I won't begrudge his happiness. We lead a hard life; let him find love where he can.

I'm a light sleeper, and only the darkness keeps me asleep. So the next morning, when the sun hit me in the face, I was up immediately. I remember looking over at Qui-Gon, who has no such sleeping issues. He had one leg bent and leaned up against the back of the couch, and the other one was bent, but on the couch's seat. His legs were bent, but well... spread, let's say. Wise Arca, I was so shocked that I still can't think straight!

I just watched him for a while... and then he adjusted himself! Casually, since he was still sleeping. But to see him reach down and actually touch himself there... I remember the chill running from my head to my toes, and I had to rub my arms to get rid of the bumps on my skin. I wanted so much to be that hand, to take his length and stroke him -- gently at first, and then harder. I wanted so much to hear him cry out my name. Maybe I would take him into my mouth...

Force, I'm so stupid! I wouldn't even know what to do if I had him where I wanted him! And I do want him so much, but I'm a poonch to think that he could ever want me. Tahl is his age, and confident, and beautiful, and already a knight. She's popular with the other Jedi; I see the way he puts his arms around her in public. He's proud to be with her. I'm clumsy, and people don't like me -- not the real me, anyway. Ghani's the only one who likes me for what I am, and not because I'm some silly prince, or Master Yoda's final padawan. Maybe he'd be willing to teach me how to love another man. I think he likes me that way, but I can't tell. I guess I could find out. It's not like I could humiliate myself more.

Qui-Gon put down the book and buried his head in his hands. He remembered the time his suite flooded; Mara's cold had been rather serious. His padrin had seemed so normal that morning -- how could he hide his feelings so well? The boy used to tell him everything; it now seemed that his secret desires were far more unconventional and personal than Qui-Gon first thought.

He picked up the second book -- Xanatos was diligent even in his journal writing, and had needed a second volume more quickly than most other padawans. Almost half of it was blank, but Qui-Gon flipped to a filled in page:

Page 23, Vol. 2: He kissed me last night, before he went back to his suite. It was only on the forehead, but then he hugged me, too. It's so pitiful that I need his affection so much. I also had another dream, and since I've been with Ghani, they've been getting, well, more original. This time I was on my hands and knees, on the bed. Qui-Gon was behind me with his hands on my hips, steadying me. He opened me using his thumbs (what is this obsession with his thumbs?) and entered me quickly, without using any lubricant. I cried out, and I think I must've yelled for real, because Master Yoda-

Qui-Gon blinked and flipped forward quickly; he could feel his face getting hot at the graphic imagery of his padrin's fantasies. He found the very last entry.

Page 94, Vol. 2: Master Yaddle told me we were going to Hallomar next week. The Senate hearings were very tiresome and she decided that she needed a break. I was all excited to go, but then she said that she'd invite Qui-Gon and his padras. Well, Mara and Knight Tahl, anyway. For some reason he hasn't bonded with Knight Tahl yet, but they're living together. That's beside the point, though. I know I said I'm happy for Qui-Gon, but this pain in my heart doesn't seem to want to go away. I want to be happy for him. He found the love of his life and hopefully she feels the same about him. That's the only important thing, that he's happy. I also hope he asks her to bond with him soon -- that way I'll know that there is no chance in any of the Sith hells that he even thinks of me as more than his annoying little padrin.

But I broke down and finally told Master Yaddle how I felt. It's such a relief, sharing this secret with another person. She looked at me weirdly when I asked her if it was appropriate for someone to have feelings for his padrin. But she assures me that even though it's rare, padrins and padrils have bonded; it's not as if it's forbidden or anything. That's good, although like I said, I very much doubt that my padrin sees me that way.

I guess I'll always have my fantasies, although I don't think I fool either one of my masters with my "it was only a nightmare" excuse, and I'm getting very tired of my hand. Wise Arca, I can't believe I wrote that!

I saw Ghani last week, and he's happy with Ketrin. Ghani was fun while it lasted, but I don't know what's wrong with me, I just can't seem to get my padrin out of my system. I know Qui-Gon wants nothing to do with me 'that way,' and it kills me to be around him sometimes. And Master Yaddle knows this, too, although maybe that's why she invited them to go with us, so I can finally get over him once and for all.

I don't think that'll happen, though; I've known him all my life, and I love him unconditionally. After seeing him with Knight Tahl, there isn't anything he could do or say to me to make me stop loving him. And I guess that's why it hurts -- he'll never know how much I care for him and he'll definitely NEVER know how much I want him.

Master Yoda is calling for me; we have to meet with Gallofree tomorrow. He told me to pack lightly, as we'll only be gone one day, and I'm to enter the test results here when I get back. I saw the specs for the F-548; I don't know why they feel the need to build starfighters, but I like that one. I'm going to ask if I can try out their prototype after the regular transport tests.

Qui-Gon sat with the journal in his hand, stunned. He'd had no idea of the depth of feeling his padrin had for him. He had always considered Xanatos to be a somewhat sensitive and quiet boy, but he also apparently held his emotions very close to his heart.

He thought about the padrin he had loved and helped raise. Xanatos was more than ready for his upcoming Trial; he would be leaving on his own missions before Qui-Gon knew it. He would eventually find someone who loved him the way he deserved. Someone who listened to him, and laughed with him, not at him. Someone who held him at night, who kissed his fears away, who watched his beautiful blue eyes darken with passion as they made love-

Sith, where had that come from? The scene was not unattractive, true, but it was also absolutely wrong. Despite what Master Yaddle had said, Xanatos really was far too young to be thought of in that manner. He was only seventeen, for Arca's sake. It didn't matter that he would be a knight in six months, or that he was already experienced in sex.

Qui-Gon frowned and tried to recall Padawan Shri'ket, the "Ghani" in the journal. He'd heard Xanatos talking about this friend before, and Qui-Gon struggled to place the name with a face; for some reason, it seemed very important to him to do so.

Ghani Shri'ket... Ghani...

Suddenly Qui-Gon saw him. A dark-haired boy rather well known for his playful personality, Ghani was a handsome, friendly, good-natured padawan. He was physically shorter than Xanatos, but more muscular; it was heartening to know that a boy like that had been Xanatos's first. Qui-Gon looked over at his padrin's neatly made bed and imagined the two boys there, locked in a frantic and adolescent coupling -- gasping and moaning and kissing and-

Qui-Gon exhaled shakily. He had to stop. The image of his own beloved padrin with another boy, another man, any other person at all, suddenly seemed too much to bear.

He carefully replaced the journals on the desk and left the room, neither looking left nor right. He kept going until he was out of the suite entirely.

He had a lot meditating to do.

END