Archive: master_apprentice, OKEB, and anyone else that wants
it, just ask.
Category: humour/parody,
Rating: PG13
Warnings: This is what happens when you haven't gotten sleep in
a week.
Spoiler: for TPM. Sort of.
Summary: The Phantom Menace meets Monty Python and the Holy
Grail
Disclaimer: GL owns TPM (and almost everything else) and a
bunch of english blokes own Python.
Feedback: Yes please. So I know if I'm amusing or just raving
looney.
**This product was not tested on either llamas or betas. Read
at your own peril.**
***This probably won't make any sense if you haven't seen Monty
Python and the Holy Grail. And if you have... think Black
Knight.***
[Star Wars music. QUI-GON JINN and DARTH MAUL ignite their
lightsabers and begin dueling.] [music stops]
DARTH MAUL: Aaaagh!
[Duel of the Fates music] [music stops]
DARTH MAUL: Aaagh!
QUI-GON JINN: Ooh!
[Duel of the Fates music] [music stops] [stab]
DARTH MAUL: Utinni!
QUI-GON JINN: Oh! [Duel of the Fates music] Ooh! [music stops]
DARTH MAUL: Aaaagh! [clang]
DARTH MAUL and QUI-GON JINN: Agh!, oh!, etc.
QUI-GON JINN: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! [woosh]
[DARTH MAUL kills QUI-GON JINN] [thud] [scrape]
DARTH MAUL: Umm!
OBI-WAN: You fight with the hatred of many civilizations, Sir
Sith. [pause]
I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight. [pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the galaxy to join
the Jedi on Coruscant. [pause]
You have proved yourself strong in the Force. Will you join me?
[pause] You make me sad. So be it. Come, Anakin.
DARTH MAUL: None shall pass.
OBI-WAN: What?
DARTH MAUL: None shall pass.
OBI-WAN: I have no quarrel with you, O Sith, but I must cross
this conveniently placed pit so that I can free Naboo.
DARTH MAUL: Then you shall die.
OBI-WAN: Death does not scare me, for I will just turn blue and
transparent.
DARTH MAUL: I move for no man.
OBI-WAN: So be it!
[ ignites lightsabre.]
OBI-WAN and DARTH MAUL: Aaah!, Utinni!, etc.
[ chops DARTH MAUL's left arm off]
OBI-WAN: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
DARTH MAUL: 'Tis but a scratch.
OBI-WAN: A scratch? Your arm's off!
DARTH MAUL: No, it isn't.
OBI-WAN: Well, what's that, then? [points to arm lying on
floor]
DARTH MAUL: I've had worse.
OBI-WAN: You liar!
DARTH MAUL: Come on, you pansy! [woosh] Huyah! [woosh] Hiyaah!
[woosh] Aaaaaaaah!
[OBI-WAN chops DARTH MAUL's right arm off]
OBI-WAN: Victory is mine!
[drops into meditation] There is no anger, there is...
[DARTH MAUL sneaks up and kicks OBI-WAN]
DARTH MAUL: Hah!
[kick] Come on, then.
OBI-WAN: What?
DARTH MAUL: Have at you! [kick]
OBI-WAN: Eh. You are indeed brave, O Sith, but the fight is
mine.
DARTH MAUL: Oh, had enough, eh?
OBI-WAN: Look, you pile of Bantha poodoo. You've got no arms
left.
DARTH MAUL: Yes, I have.
OBI-WAN: Look!
[points to gaping hole in DARTH MAUL's side.]
DARTH MAUL: Just a flesh wound.
[kick]
OBI-WAN: Look, stop that.
DARTH MAUL: Chicken! [kick]
Chickennn!
OBI-WAN: Look, I'll have your leg. [kick] Right! [whop]
[OBI-WAN chops DARTH MAUL's right leg off]
DARTH MAUL: Right. I'll do you for that!
OBI-WAN: You'll what?
DARTH MAUL: Come here!
OBI-WAN: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
DARTH MAUL: I'm invincible!
OBI-WAN: You're a looney.
DARTH MAUL: The Sith always triumph! Have at you! Come on,
then. [whop]
[OBI-WAN cuts DARTH MAUL in half.]
DARTH MAUL: Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw.
OBI-WAN: Come, Anakin.
[OBI-WAN and ANAKIN cross the bridge, ignoring DARTH MAUL.]
DARTH MAUL: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You pansy little
Jedi! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
your legs off!!
Archive 