Series: Not a series, exactly, but a sequel...to 'Azali'
Archive: M_A
Spoilers: Yes, for 'Azali', one of my previous works, to which
this is a sequel (Azali)
Summary: With someone new in Qui-Gon's life, where is Obi-Wan's
place?
Warnings: I know that as soon as this warning is given, half of
the fic's potential readers will run screaming from the room.
So, against my better judgement I will warn you: There is a
BABY in this story. She is Qui-Gon's daughter. Her existance is
pretty well explained in here, but you can get the complete
back-story by reading 'Azali'. The story is
not about the baby...but the baby does appear
throughout. If you cannot handle the thought of having a baby
mixed in with a fabulous plot and some wonderful O/Q angst and
h/c then turn back now.
Feedback: Please... This is by far the longest story I've ever
written, so I have a lot of time and emotion invested here.
Flames, should you feel the need to send them, will be
cheerfully forwarded to the ferret, who will hunt down all
flamers and bite their ankles. Thank you!
Disclaimers: We all know who these characters belong to (Thank
you, Mr. Lucas!), so there's no question as to who's getting
all the credit, money, attention, etc. for these wonderful
Jedi. (Hint: It's not me...) Disappointing as that is, I'd just
like to borrow them to tell this story...
Thank yous: Again, I bring you a story carefully and lovingly
edited by the talented Calysta Rose! I've never worked with
anyone who so closely shares my visions of stories and
characters as Caly does. She keeps saying she thinks my writing
is improving...but if it is, it's due in very large part
to her suggestions and steadfast support.
Thanks also to Robin Serrano for beta reading this as it went
along...four, six, ten pages at a time. : ) Her ideas and takes
on what was working and what needed clarifying have made this a
much deeper story. Thank you, Robin! And thanks to Emrin
Alexander for her beta reading throughout as well. Her
suggestions were invaluable.
Note: / / denotes mind voices of all kinds, including telepathy
: ), italics represents Obi-Wan's self-thoughts.
"Rape this was!"
Yoda's voice sounded overly loud in the high-ceilinged room. He
rapped his stick harshly against the polished, hard-wood floor
where my master and I knelt. I flinched at the sudden noise,
then blushed, ashamed to have done so.
"Master," Qui-Gon began evenly. "I hardly think this
constitutes..."
"Taken against your will you were! Defiled, a Jedi master has
been! Brought to justice, someone will be, for committing this
act!"
I could see my master blanch and pale under the onslaught of
words and emotions. For more than two hours we had knelt here,
both of us with little to no sleep and Qui-Gon still in need of
medical attention after Linli's birth. I was ready to drop and
I knew my master must have felt the strain even more than
I-although he said nothing. His body and mind were still not
fully healed from his time on Azali. Surely Master Yoda could
understand that.
/He is merely concerned for my well-being, Padawan,/ Qui-Gon
replied through our training bond. He sounded much calmer than
he looked, but his spirit felt...weak. The thought scared me.
He was tired. Too tired for this tumultuous battle of words.
One did not even need use of the Force to discern it.
/Do not judge him too harshly, Obi-Wan,/ Qui-Gon said softly
into my mind. /Masters, regardless of their age or the ages of
their padawans, sometimes find it difficult not to be
over-protective./
I knew my master referred to himself as well, and I did
understand, somewhat. But Master Yoda was pushing too far, too
fast. Qui-Gon was only newly-arrived back on Coruscant, free
for the first time in a year. He had a lot to think about and
deal with. Why was Master Yoda doing this to him?
/Please do not worry,/ Qui-Gon intoned. /Master Yoda will come
'round. Soon he will see things as we do and learn to accept
them. He only requires some time to adjust. As we all did. As
we all will,/ he added.
I gathered my shields more tightly around me, as they'd
obviously slipped enough for my master to read my thoughts that
clearly. But I do worry, Master. I am worried about you,
I thought to myself. Just as I am worried about Linli and
about...us...
"Master," Qui-Gon was trying to explain, as I emerged from my
thoughts. "As I told you, the woman who...arranged all of this
was killed. There is no one to blame anymore. I will take full
responsibility for the consequences of her actions, both here
in these chambers and for the rest of my life. But I will also
nurture and support my daughter in any and every way I can."
"A daughter there should not be!" Yoda exclaimed, no
less agitated than before. "A point this proves. Led to chaos,
have one selfish woman's actions. Led to chaos we all are, when
consider the consequences of our actions we do not."
"Would you punish a newborn for the crimes and wrong-doings of
one mis-led woman?" Qui-Gon challenged. "Linli has done
nothing, save for being born. She is an innocent in this. Can
you not see this merely as an unexpected fork in life's road?
Please accept it for what it is, Master: a miracle."
I was so proud of my master in that one instant that I felt as
if I would burst.
Having stood silently behind Master Yoda, allowing him to speak
his mind, Master Windu now stepped forward out of the shadows.
"This situation has caught us all off-guard," he said
diplomatically. "Perhaps some time and meditation would..."
"Presume too much authority you should not," Yoda warned Master
Windu.
I held back the frustrated breath that was about to explode
from my lungs. Why was Master Yoda acting this way? In all the
time that I had known him, he had always been a monument of
quiet understanding and calm inspiration. And now...
Perhaps this was too personal, I thought. Perhaps where his own
padawan was concerned he lacked the ability to be objective. I
hadn't thought of Yoda lacking in anything, having lived nearly
900 years, but my master did tend to inspire a deep sense of
caring wherever he went and with whatever he touched. I tried
to do as Qui-Gon had asked of me, as Yoda chose me to focus on
next.
"And you, young padawan. What say you?"
I looked at Master Yoda, trying to make my eyes less wide as I
considered the question. No matter what my answer, I had the
feeling I was trapped. Not wanting to look away from him, I did
so anyway, sparing a quick glance at Qui-Gon and then at Master
Windu. They both looked back with sympathy, but neither was in
a position to assist me.
"Master?" I asked most innocently, hoping to be given some
clarification as to what Master Yoda wanted me to say.
"Auditory deficiency do you have, Padawan?" Yoda asked, walking
around me and pulling on one of my ears. "Perhaps visit the
healers, you should."
The taunt seemed to be too much for Qui-Gon.
"Master..." he said quietly, half asking, half warning. "My
padawan has done nothing..."
"So sure you are, that your padawan he still is?" Yoda asked
almost indignantly.
I could feel my master's absolute shock through our bond, but I
couldn't find it in myself to feel anything. My mind had gone
numb.
"Here for your padawan you have not been," Yoda told my master.
"Gone for nearly a year, have you been. Forced to continue his
training with another, he was. Now, come home you have with a
different responsibility. Think that allowed to continue
training Obi-Wan you will be?"
Qui-Gon not my master? I felt myself begin to shake, and try as
I might I couldn't will it to stop. While it was true that
Master Windu had agreed to be my interim master during my own
master's disappearance and subsequent captivity, neither of us
had been under the impression that the arrangement was anything
but temporary. We had never been given reason to think
otherwise.
Feeling suddenly dizzy, I closed my eyes against it and would
have toppled over had it not been for Qui-Gon's large hand on
my shoulder. I felt a calming wave of the Force from Master
Windu's direction as well. I did not fall, but neither did the
nausea dissipate.
/Steady, Obi-Wan,/ Qui-Gon sent. /Be at ease. This too, shall
pass./
I didn't know if he referred to the way I was feeling or to
Master's Yoda's conversation, but I was willing to accept
either-or both.
"Master Yoda, the placement of a padawan from one master's
custody into another's requires a Council vote," Mace reminded
Yoda. He exchanged a look with Qui-Gon that I couldn't
interpret, but from the emotions playing across our training
bond, I knew Qui-Gon could. "I suggest allowing Qui-Gon and
Obi-Wan to take their leave of us," he continued. "So that this
matter may be discussed at length in the privacy of Council
chambers."
In the year we'd spent together, I'd come to know that tone.
Master Windu would allow Master Yoda the chance to end this for
now-or he'd force his hand. Either way, Qui-Gon and I would be
allowed to leave here soon. Another shiver ran through me. How
had something as beautiful as Linli's birth and as joyous as
Qui-Gon's homecoming turned into such a nightmare?
Yoda snorted and thrust his cane into the air, punctuating his
words. "Do what we must, we all will. Meditate on this now, I
must. Show yourselves out, you will." With a final look at
Qui-Gon, which radiated disappointment, the elder master sank
to his knees in the middle of the room and closed his eyes.
With a small amount of Force help from Mace, Qui-Gon and I
managed to stand and leave the room. My legs felt as weak as
melted butter and I glanced at Qui-Gon, to see how he was
faring. His face was chalky, but he stood and walked of his own
accord. Once in the corridor, I took a shuddering breath of
relief and fell to my knees again, drained. Immediately Qui-Gon
was kneeling at my side, holding me close as I sobbed.
"The last two weeks have been hard on him," I could hear
Qui-Gon say to Master Windu as he gently stroked my cheek.
"Thanks to me, he is suffering from high amounts of tension and
a shocking lack of sleep."
Master Windu made a sound of almost-laughter. "All of it
unavoidable, of course. The same could be said for you, my
friend," he reminded Qui-Gon. "Both you and Obi-Wan have been
through much-for much longer than two weeks."
There was silence then, and I felt as if I might be able to
bring myself back under control. But when the hand that had
been moving softly through my hair began to make soothing
circles on my back, my fears and exhaustion surfaced again and
I began to sob anew.
"You would have been so proud of him, Qui-Gon," Mace was
saying. "No one looked harder or held out more hope than
Obi-Wan. And his performance on the Azali mission went above
and beyond the requirements of a padawan. The Council owes him
a debt of gratitude for bringing both you and your young one
back to us. You've done a wonderful job with him. He is going
to make an extraordinary knight."
"Much of it he holds within himself," Qui-Gon said. "I have
merely been a means of bringing those qualities out. And I have
always been proud of him."
I felt myself falling into the soft folds of sleep. The voices
came from further and further away, echoing in my muffled mind.
"I am sorry for what happened in there. I did not expect Yoda's
thoughts to take that particular path."
"Yoda's beliefs and views have always been unique unto
himself..."
"Especially where you are concerned, I'm afraid. Most of the
time that is in your favor, though unfortunately not in this
instance."
"As you have pointed out, he cannot make this decision alone.
The Council must discuss it and the Council must decide what is
right for all concerned."
"And if they decide that Obi-Wan is no longer able to be your
padawan...?"
I had not drifted so far down as to miss Master Windu's painful
question.
Nooooooooo! my mind screamed loud enough to be heard by
both masters. Gently, a hand was laid on the back of my head
and my mind filled with the suggestion of a deeper sleep. I
tried to shake the feeling off. Nonononono...
"I cannot believe that will happen, but we will cross that
bridge when we come to it," my master said.
And I knew no more.
I woke with a start, confused, not knowing where I was. Sleep
still tugged sharply at the corners of my mind, but I fought it
off. Sitting up, I looked around. Master Windu's quarters? No.
My own room? No, but it was the quarters I had shared with
Qui-Gon before his disappearance. Qui-Gon's bed, then. I had
been left to sleep on Qui-Gon's bed?
Listening, I heard nothing, decided I was alone. Alarmingly,
the events of the morning flooded my mind and panic gripped me.
How long had I been asleep? Where was my master? Had a
decision been made?
Hurriedly I untangled myself from the bed-sheets, cursing legs
that suddenly seemed far too long, and I hit the floor running.
Spotting my cloak, neatly hung by someone on the back of a
nearby chair, I freed it quickly and shrugged my arms into the
deep sleeves. Forgetting, for the moment, that my feet were
bare, I rushed out the door-and straight into the tall, solid
form of Master Windu.
I gasped, both from having the breath nearly knocked out of me,
and at the impropriety of running in the Temple, nearly
trampling the second-most-powerful Jedi on the Council.
Ashamed, and feeling much younger than my nineteen years, I
hung my head awaiting his judgment.
"Obi-Wan, look at me."
Slowly, I raised my head, trying to cool my reddened face and
calm my pounding heart. Strong hands, reminding me so much of
my master's, found their way to my shoulders, squeezing gently.
"Your concern is nothing to be ashamed of," he said quietly.
It was not what I had expected and for a moment I did not know
what to say. "My master..." I began finally. "And
Linli...Where...?"
Master Windu draped one arm around my back, guiding me down the
corridor in the direction from which he'd come. "I will take
you to them," he told me. "We may talk along the way."
It was only as we turned the first of many corners that I
noticed my lack of footwear. Master Windu easily followed my
thoughts and glanced down, seeing my bare toes sticking out
from under my robes as we walked.
"Do not fret," he said easily. "There are many things more
important in this life than having shoes on one's feet."
In that instant, I could almost feel that everything would be
all right.
"How long was I asleep?" I asked, fear tightening my throat.
"Nine hours," came the even reply.
Nine hours? Nine hours was an eternity where an upset Master
Yoda was concerned.
"Why...?" I could barely form a coherent thought. "Why did
you...?"
"Less than a rotation ago, you were aboard a vessel where you
spent nearly five weeks' time. Even without looking at the
ship's records, I know you spent most of that time working and
worrying and tending your master...and very little of it
sleeping and taking care of yourself."
I started to protest.
"Even full Jedi masters must take time to maintain their own
well-being-or be encouraged to do so by other means." The
quicksilver smile took the sting out of his words.
"Master Qui-Gon?" I asked again, forcing myself to match Master
Windu's slower gait. "Linli?"
"Qui-Gon had surgery four hours ago, to repair the tissue and
muscles that were compromised by the drugs and surgery during
his stay on the planet and during Linli's birth."
"Is he...?
A hand on my shoulder again. "Qui-Gon is fine, Obi-Wan. He came
through the surgery in excellent condition and is resting
comfortably in the medical center. As is Linli."
I breathed a sigh of relief. I had been worried about the
little one. She had not been out of our sight the entire trip
home. Had not been out of contact with Qui-Gon for almost a
year. And having been forced to relinquish her into the hands
of the healers upon our arrival on Coruscant had been terribly
difficult. But she was a tiny thing, born a month and a half
before her scheduled arrival, and there were precautions to be
taken. Our immediate summons to speak with Master Yoda hadn't
helped any, either.
As we rounded the last corner and found the large doors to the
Medical Chambers looming before us, it was I who slowed and
then stopped. I turned to face Master Windu.
"Master Windu," I asked, begging his understanding. "What is to
happen to my master? To me?"
Warm fingers came up, brushed my cheek. "I am due to attend an
emergency meeting of the Council at half past the hour,
Obi-Wan," he told me. "As I have already told your master.
"Please believe me when I say I will do everything within my
power to present Council members with a thorough, detailed
account of what the past year has meant for both you and
Qui-Gon. And somewhere therein you may be sure that I will tell
them that while I have enjoyed every minute of my time as your
temporary master, you belong back where you can truly
flourish-under Qui-Gon's wing. For them to decide otherwise
would be to do you both a great injustice."
I met Master Windu's eyes, conveying my gratefulness through
the small link we had developed for training purposes, and
together we walked into the healing chambers.
"Master!" The sight of Qui-Gon sitting up in bed, watching us
come through the door was a welcome one.
"My Obi-Wan."
Oh, how I had missed that voice all those long, lonely months!
Standing by the door, I breathed deeply, taking in the azure
eyes, the shiny hair hanging in loose waves, the crooked nose I
had grown so used to and I had to work hard not to weep at what
I'd almost lost.
Inexorably drawn into the room I saw, for the first time, Linli
lying cradled in the crook of my master's arm, wrapped in a
yellow blanket. Approaching the bed, I locked gazes with
Qui-Gon and reached out to greet the newborn. Instead, my
fingers were inexplicably drawn to Qui-Gon's hair, fanned out
in soft array against the sterile, white pillow cases.
Gently tracing the length of one soft piece as it swept down
Qui-Gon's shoulder to his elbow, I was reminded of the times my
master had allowed me to wash and brush the silken strands. The
ritual of brushing and braiding had been somehow cleansing and
calming for both of us, and I had sorely missed our quiet
together-times during his absence.
Allowing my hand to continue its movement, I carefully pulled
back the blanket covering the baby's face. She was even tinier
than I remembered. Reddish curls dusted the top of her head,
and as I tenderly swirled one of them around my pinkie,
startling green eyes suddenly popped open.
I cried out softly, in surprise, eliciting a chuckle from my
master.
"It's just a baby, Obi-Wan," he teased. "No need to be
frightened."
I felt my cheeks color at the remark, but the warm feeling that
swept through me upon hearing my master-being with him like
this again-had nothing to do with my embarrassment.
"Hello, small one," I greeted Linli with a whisper. "Welcome
home."
I ran one finger along the top of her hand, and her fingers
uncurled, gripping my pinkie when I offered it. There was such
an intelligence in her eyes, such a sense of the Force, that I
wondered how much she truly understood.
Behind me, Master Windu cleared his throat.
"Obi-Wan, I must be going now."
I straightened up, finger still held in Linli's grasp, and
looked at the other master, trying to imagine what he was
thinking.
"Go with the Force, Mace," Qui-Gon told him. "And know that I
am grateful for all you have done for me." He looked at me and
took a breath. "For us."
Master Windu nodded as he turned to go. "The Council takes so
much of my time," he said. "I had truly forgotten what it was
like to have a padawan in my life. Your Obi-Wan was the bright
spot in my otherwise dull days. You know that I would do it
again, if it were necessary."
I could feel Qui-Gon smile. I knew that Master Windu spoke
figuratively, but I couldn't suppress the involuntary shudder
that rippled through me. My master had been taken from me once
already. I prayed with everything I had in me that it would not
be allowed to happen again.
I felt complete-something I had not felt in a very long time.
Curled comfortably next to Qui-Gon, on his bed in our quarters,
I drifted in and out of sleep and reveled in the quiet
peacefulness. On Qui-Gon's chest, Linli nursed softly.
When the door chime sounded, it startled us all.
"Door, open," Qui-Gon ordered, loudly enough to trigger the
door but soft enough not to disturb the baby's dinner.
The door swished open to reveal Master Windu, looking to be
standing there only by sheer will of the Force. The concern
that washed through my master brought me fully awake.
"Mace! For Force sake, come in and sit down! Have you been with
the Council all this time?"
It had been nearly six hours since Master Windu's scheduled
appointment. The meeting couldn't have lasted that long, I
thought. What would they have to talk about for that amount of
time?
Master Windu all but stumbled into the room. Concerned, I
rushed from my place on the bed, grabbing his arm to steady him
and leading him to a chair. I barely had a chance to divest him
of his cloak before he collapsed, his knees seeming to buckle
beneath him.
"Mace?" Now Qui-Gon was sitting up, gentling Linli as she
fussed a bit, but almost unaware of his motions in his concern
for the other master.
"Qui-Gon..." Master Windu's face went gray as he said my
master's name. I had never seen him so distressed, had never
felt so much emotional pain from one person. I knelt on the
floor beside Master Windu, wanting to stay close, but not
wanting to interfere with their conversation.
"Qui-Gon..." he began again, his voice strangled. "They would
not agree to your continuing on as Obi-Wan's master. I'm so
sorry..."
I felt as physically ill as Master Windu looked, and Qui-Gon
went so pale I feared he would pass out. Sensing the drop in
Force energy, Linli began to whimper despairingly.
"I tried, Qui-Gon," Master Windu continued. "I really tried.
And there were many on the Council who shared my views. But
with Yoda's earlier arguments still fresh in their minds, it
was not enough."
"No..." I whispered, unsure I had even said it aloud. "No,
please..."
I felt a hand on my hair. "Obi-Wan?" Master Windu.
"No, please," I said, feeling hot all over. "Please...don't
send me away. Not again."
There was movement across the room, and suddenly I felt myself
lifted, held in Qui-Gon's arms as if I were no bigger than
Linli.
"No one is going to send you away," he said fiercely. "Are they
Mace?"
I could feel Master Windu's shock as Qui-Gon effectively pinned
him with his words.
"Technically...yes..." Master Windu said somewhat weakly.
"Although 'away' is a relative term. Obi-Wan would be allowed
to remain with me, as my padawan, if he so chooses. If not,
another suitable master would be sought."
His voice faded. He was a strong man, but being emotionally
torn in as many different directions as he had this day was
trying even his strength. If I had had any strength of my own,
I would have gladly lent it to him.
Qui-Gon's arms clenched around me. "They can't take him, Mace!
On what grounds?"
"On the grounds," came the tired reply. "That Obi-Wan's
training was disrupted for nearly a year. The year after his
eighteenth birthday-probably the most important year in a
padawan's training. It has been determined that at such a
critical juncture of his training, it would be less harmful for
him to continue as he has been, rather than to revert to his
previous master and training."
Qui-Gon flinched as if he'd been struck. "Less harmful? Meaning
that I am harmful to him?" My master was outraged. On the bed,
Linli began to protest-loudly-at being ignored.
"Please, Qui-Gon. This is hard enough for me as it is." Master
Windu truly sounded as if he had no energy left. "I'm only
repeating to you what the Council told me. You know I don't
agree with it. I'm sorry. I truly am."
When Linli began to howl and Qui-Gon showed no sign of going to
her rescue, I disentangled myself from his death grip and made
my way over to the bed. I was shaking like a leaf, but for
Linli's sake, I tried to project a facade of calm. It didn't
quite work, but just being held close was enough and she
quieted down. As I rocked her back and forth, I found I knew
exactly how she felt.
Lost in the serenity that was Linli's sweet face, I nearly
forgot about the masters. Focusing on them again, I caught only
bits of the tense, strangled conversation going on between
them. But one did not have to know the words to see the
furrowed brows and stricken looks to know the whole ordeal was
far from over.
When they noticed me watching them, their talking ceased.
Qui-Gon slowly got to his feet and offered Master Windu a hand
up from the chair. With great care-or great sadness-Master
Windu slipped into his robes and carefully fastened the sash.
"I promise you this is not over," he said to my master. "The
Council has another session at sunrise tomorrow and I will be
there. Regardless of the agenda, I will bring their
decision up again. I know there is enough interest and enough
splintering within the group to re-open the discussion to take
a second vote if necessary." He stuck out his chin defiantly,
showing why he was second only to Master Yoda on the Council.
Stopping beside the bed, Master Windu laid a hand on my arm. "I
meant what I told you earlier. I was honored to call you
padawan while your master was unable to perform his duties as
such. And I would be proud to do so again, should the Council
deem such a thing necessary.
"I know none of us wants to face that reality, but if it should
come to pass, I want you to know that just as you have a
special place in your master's heart, so too do you have one in
mine."
Even after he was long gone, I could feel the warmth of Master
Windu's thoughts in my mind. And I wanted to think that
everything would be all right...but somehow I was sure it would
not.
Qui-Gon allowed me to sleep late the next morning, which was a
rare exception to our usual training regime. But, then, there
had been nothing usual about our training in the past year. I
was sure he felt I needed the sleep, but I wished he would
follow his own advice and rest a bit more as well. He had
always been an early riser, though, and was up even earlier now
that Linli was around.
I lay in bed, drifting in and out of sleep for a while, wanting
to get up to be with Qui-Gon but knowing that the sooner I got
up the sooner I'd have to face whatever realities the day
brought with it.
When the door chimed, I tensed automatically, expecting it to
be Master Windu with news from the Council. I heard Qui-Gon
order the door open, but when it was Master Yoda's voice that
filled the silence of our quarters, my heart began to pound and
I gripped the blankets tightly.
"Come to speak to your padawan, I have."
I could barely breathe. I didn't want to face Master Yoda
again. Not after yesterday.
"Obi-Wan is resting," I heard my master say crisply. "I will
not have him disturbed."
I buried my face in the blankets to stifle my gasp of surprise.
Qui-Gon was refusing Master Yoda's request? Half of me thought
it would be wise to get up and dress quietly, awaiting the
moment when I'd surely be forced to speak with the elder
master. But my other half wanted nothing more than to stay
hidden beneath the covers, feigning sleep and hoping I'd be
forgotten.
/Remain where you are, padawan,/ Qui-Gon's voice came softly
into my mind. /Should your presence be required, I will summon
you./
"Come to apologize, I have, to both you and your padawan."
Beneath the covers, my mouth dropped open. When Qui-Gon did not
immediately reply, I wondered if he was having the same
reaction.
"Master, I..."
"No, padawan," Yoda said. "Allow me. Under great strain have
you been. Under great strain has your padawan been. Reacted
badly I have. To see a padawan hurt no master wishes." He
paused. "To see you hurt, I do not wish. Neither approve
nor disapprove of your situation do I. But...accept it I do."
"That is all I ask, Master." There was an undercurrent of
relief to Qui-Gon's words. I knew it was important to him that
his former master accept Linli and the events leading to her
birth, rather than pointing fingers and placing blame. "Obi-Wan
will be so pleased."
Qui-Gon's words warmed me.
"Take part in the Council's final decision I did not. Impartial
I cannot be. Discuss it again and vote again today, they may.
Do it without me they will. Enough harm already I have done."
I felt Qui-Gon's surprise at Master Yoda's admission. "You only
spoke what you felt," my master told Master Yoda. "As you
always taught me to do."
"Of all times," Master Yoda lamented. "Now must I pick
to hear my own words."
I stifled a giggle.
Suddenly Yoda's voice grew so quiet that I had to strain to
hear it through the closed door. Just the tone was enough to
put me on alert.
"Something to tell you, I have, Qui-Gon," Yoda said softly.
"Share with you a piece of my past, I must."
For the next hour I sat atop my bed, perfectly still, barely
breathing. The story Yoda spun was as unbelievable as it was
tragic.
It was difficult to think of Yoda as a young man. Even moreso
as a young knight with his first padawan. But over eight
centuries ago it had been just that way.
Yoda told my master of his first padawan, a small, agile girl
with hair the color of straw and eyes like the summer sky. At
just eleven years of age, she had been sought after as padawan
by many of the masters, quick and skilled as she was. But
Master Yoda had attained the right to train her.
She had been under his tutelage seven years when they had been
sent to negotiate a treaty on Bengel. The talks had gone on for
more than a month, and by the end, Sonria had been restless.
Intending to give her a short respite from the proceedings,
Yoda had agreed to Sonria's request for a day away from the
negotiating tables-with the provision that she remain on the
grounds of their temporary housing.
But Sonria had rebelled. She had gone alone into the city, with
its bustling crowds and heavy population. And she'd found
herself lost-until three of the city's young men had found her
and convinced her they would help. The help had consisted of an
attack and brutal and repeated rapings.
Yoda had followed Sonria's Force signature until he located her
at last, drugged, beaten, and thrown into the street for dead.
Her injuries had been successfully treated upon their return to
Coruscant, but there would always be reminders of the impulsive
behavior which had led to them...the child she carried was more
than proof of that.
Yoda had known his padawan's penchant for rebellion, had known
it to get her into trouble many times over. But he hadn't
counted on her directly disobeying him during a mission. And
while he held Sonria responsible for her actions, he took a
much larger responsibility for it himself, for not having felt
what she was planning to do.
Sonria, on the other hand, had placed the entire blame on Yoda,
saying hurtful things to him and implying that he cared more
about a mission than he did about her. Slowly, she began to
change. Along with the child growing inside of her, Yoda sensed
darkness.
Four months after the fated Bengel mission, their
master/apprentice bond had atrophied so severely Yoda had
requested Council intervention. As he and Sonria prepared to
finish up a mission and return to Coruscant for counseling,
they had been caught in a rock slide on the unstable planet.
The damage done had been more severe than the loss of Sonria's
unborn son; the incident brought to the forefront every
negative feeling Sonria had stored inside. She had turned on
Yoda, cursing him and all the others like him. He felt her
anger, knew she was as close to turning as she had ever been.
Soon after, Sonria had fled the temple and her life as a
padawan, and it wasn't long before she had turned completely to
the Darkness. Yoda had never completely purged himself of the
guilt, and even eight centuries could not erase the hurt.
/You may dress now and attend me, Padawan,/ Qui-Gon said
through our link, aware that I had heard Yoda's story.
As I slipped into my clothes, I thought about what Qui-Gon's
situation must have meant to Yoda...a kidnapping, a rape, an
unexpected child. To have been forced to remember and relive
the feelings from his first padawan must have been difficult in
the extreme. Qui-Gon was no longer Master Yoda's apprentice,
but if Master Yoda equated what had happened to Qui-Gon to what
had happened to Sonria, it was no wonder he had been so
adamantly against Linli.
In five minutes time I was dressed in a tunic and leggings,
shyly exiting my bedroom and hurrying to my master's side.
"Looking better you are, padawan. How feel you?" Master Yoda
asked without preamble.
"I am well, Master, thank you," I replied formally. I did not
want to give him any reason to become upset again.
"Wise your master has been to allow you the rest you need,"
Master Yoda said.
"I believe my body has benefited from the sleep, Master," I
told him.
"Only one part of our well-being is the body," he said. "At our
best we cannot be, if weary in mind and spirit we are."
"Yes, Master," I agreed. I had been taught that by my master as
well.
"Commend you, I do, on a job well done," Yoda said, taking me
by surprise. "Acted in the best interests of your master and of
all Jedi on Azali, you did. Recognized that fact earlier, I
should have."
I was speechless. It was high praise, coming from Master Yoda,
and it was as close to an apology as I was likely to hear. I
knew that it had cost the elder Jedi dearly to say those words.
"But take back my words I cannot," Master Yoda said with a sad
smile. "Trust in the Force, we must, to guide the Council's
decision."
"Shall I prepare tea and first meal, Master?" I asked, trying
to lead my mind away from such worrying thoughts.
Qui-Gon laughed out loud, ruffling my hair. "You seem to have
lost track of the time, my padawan. While you've been
cat-napping, the day has not. It is nearly past the hour of
noon meal. Linli has already eaten twice and gone down for her
mid-day nap."
Past noon meal?! I'd known it was late, but never had my
master allowed me to sleep the day away like this.
/Never have we found ourselves in a situation such as this,/
came Qui-Gon's thoughts. /We must take each new day as it
comes, my padawan, and do whatever must be done to get through
it. If a few more hours of sleep is what it takes to maintain
your health, then that is what will be given you./
I smiled, inwardly, for my master's eyes only, but found that I
could not help smiling outwardly as well. Sometimes my joy at
being Master Jinn's padawan was such that I couldn't possibly
keep the feelings inside.
"Then I shall prepare a light meal for our lunch, Master," I
said aloud. "Master Yoda, will you join us?"
I saw a look pass between Qui-Gon and Master Yoda and couldn't
tell if it was in regards to me or to each other. In any case,
both masters nodded after a moment.
"That would be a kindness, Padawan."
"Happy I would be, to join you."
In the small kitchen I hurried about, heating water for tea and
laying out a tray of cheeses, crackers, and fruit. When the tea
was ready, I carried a small pot of it into the dining area,
pouring cups for the two masters and then one for myself.
Returning to the kitchenette, I left the tea warming and
carefully carried the food back to the table.
We ate in relative silence, each of us with our own thoughts.
More than once I had to remind myself to slow down, to eat
politely rather than shoveling the food in. I was starving and
it seemed like forever since I had eaten. Forever since I had
had any appetite for eating. If the masters noticed the many
emptyings and subsequent refillings of my plate, they kindly
kept their observations to themselves.
When everyone had eaten their fill, I cleared the table and
poured more tea. The masters retired to the main room while I
cleaned and dried the dishes and were settled and ready for
dessert when I brought it in. The lemon-filled pastry I'd
chosen was a particular favorite of Master Yoda.
Enthusiastically, he dug into the fluffy stuff, making small
sounds of delight as he savored the sweet treat. When my master
gave me a knowing look I flushed and ducked my head,
disappearing back into the safe haven of the kitchen to store
what remained of the dessert.
/Please come back in, Padawan,/ Qui-Gon thought in apology to
his teasing. /Bring a piece for yourself and enjoy. It was very
kind of you to think of Master Yoda when preparing the dessert.
But, then, you have always placed the wants and needs of others
above your own./
The last comment was almost sorrowful, and it reminded me of
the more serious undercurrents of the day. Quickly, I cut a
slice of pastry and took it into the sitting area, settling in
comfortably at my master's feet to partake of it.
Halfway through my dessert, I heard a soft snore. Glancing
across the room, I saw that Master Yoda had fallen asleep,
likely a combination of a filling lunch and the hectic schedule
he kept as head of the Council.
"Master?" I said quietly, looking up at Qui-Gon to see if he
had noticed. He nodded his head, silently placing a finger to
his lips.
"Hush, Obi-Wan. All is well." A reassuring hand fell upon my
shoulder.
I finished my dessert silently, the reassuring warmth of that
presence a great comfort.
Placing my empty plate on the floor beside me, I leaned back
against my master's legs. Reveling in the quiet I closed my
eyes, feeling as if I could sleep again even though I had spent
most of the morning in bed.
Just as I was drifting off, the door chime sounded. Believing
me to be asleep, Qui-Gon carefully lifted my head and
shoulders, freeing his legs so that he could get up and answer
the door. Comfortable and relaxed as I was, I allowed him to do
so without saying a word. It was only when I realized just who
had come calling that I came wide awake, willing the prickling
in my sleeping feet to abate so that I might go to my master's
side.
"Depa? Yarael? Mace...please, come in."
I could feel my master's trepidation even as he politely showed
the masters inside. Rubbing the last remnants of sleep from my
eyes, I got to my feet and stood awaiting what was to come.
Belatedly, I found myself wishing I had my robe, feeling oddly
underdressed.
Bowing my head in acknowledgment of our visitors, I saw Master
Yoda's eyes open as the other masters came to stand just inside
the room's doorway. Immediate awareness filled his wizened face
and he looked at them expectantly. Qui-Gon moved to stand next
to me.
"News for us, you have?" Master Yoda asked them.
There was an aura about the trio that did not speak well of the
news they brought.
"The Council has again cast their votes," Master Poof told
Master Yoda. "By a margin of two it has been decided that
Padawan Kenobi shall remain under the apprenticeship of Master
Windu. Beginning in three rotations, Qui-Gon Jinn will give up
his right to..."
If anything further was said, I didn't hear it. Crumpling to
the floor, I struggled to hold on to reality, to center myself
before my world spun entirely out of control. I could feel
Qui-Gon's hand in my hair, his voice in my mind, but the
deafening roar in my ears blocked any coherent thoughts I might
have had. All I could do was remain where I was and hope that
it stopped before it drove me insane.
/Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan./
The pounding was still loud in my mind, but I managed to quiet
it enough to hear Qui-Gon calling into my thoughts.
/Obi-Wan.../
I had been on my knees only a handful of seconds, but it
suddenly came to me that I might have offended some in the room
by ceasing to listen. Or, Force forbid, disgraced my master by
showing weakness in the face of what I saw as a tragedy.
/Master, I'm so sorry,/ I thought, as I attempted to pull
myself to my feet. I could feel the thoughts of all the masters
on me, and I was ashamed when my master's hand gripping the top
of my arm was the only thing that kept me from sliding back
down to the floor. I tried to concentrate on the faces before
me, but I felt nauseously dizzy and my eyes refused to focus.
/Stay with us, padawan,/ my master said. /Allow me to do away
with this excess clutter and then we will talk./
I remained upright, trying not to look as dazed as I felt.
"My gratitude to you for coming in person," Qui-Gon told the
Council members. "This is not the sort of news I'd like to hear
through the temple grapevine. Now, of your kindness, I'd like
to have some time alone with my padawan. I'm sure you can
understand that, considering the circumstances." He was not
purposely unkind in his words, but neither did he mask his
displeasure. He sounded as betrayed as I felt, and he did not
do much to hide it.
I saw Master Windu catch Qui-Gon's eye and wondered if my
master would allow him to stay when the others left. Master
Yoda must have caught the exchange as well.
"Much to discuss, we have," Master Yoda said to the masters,
making his way slowly across the room. "Master Windu, lead the
talks I will, if stay here and settle things you will."
It was a brilliant move to get everyone to leave, while
allowing Master Windu to stay behind, and the other masters
accepted it easily. Throwing an all-knowing look over his
stooped shoulder, Master Yoda stepped neatly between Master
Billaba and Master Poof and led them away.
When only the three of us remained, Master Windu excused
himself on the premise of starting a pot of tea to brew in the
kitchen. Qui-Gon led me to the couch and sank down beside me
when I dropped heavily onto one of the olive-drab cushions. He
reached out and took my hands in his.
"Obi-Wan, I..."
A small noise from Linli stopped him in mid-sentence. He looked
at me, an apology for the poorly-timed interruption in his
eyes. The noise quickly turned into a steady, high-pitched
wail. When Qui-Gon remained where he was, wanting to take care
of our problem, but torn between that and taking care of his
daughter, Linli began to cry as if she had been abandoned.
"It's okay Master, really," I told him. "Please go to her."
Looking at me for a few moments longer, Qui-Gon dropped my
hands with a quick squeeze and disappeared into his bedroom. I
remained where I was, staring down at my hands and thinking.
Perhaps this was exactly what the Council had foreseen, I
thought suddenly. I knew Qui-Gon had enough time and patience
in his life and in his heart for both of us, but maybe the
Council just couldn't see it that way, couldn't afford to see
it that way. Maybe they feared, as Master Yoda had, that my
training and well-being would suffer now that my master had
another young one to provide for.
The thought, when it hit me, was like a stroke of lightning,
and I was surprised it had not occurred to me before. A master
was never allowed to take on two padawans for that very reason.
Linli was hardly a padawan, but the idea was similar. A master
needed to be able to show full devotion to a padawan. Without
the proper amount of concentration and attention, a
master/padawan bond would not develop properly and training and
learning would suffer.
For the first time since I'd learned there was to be a
Linli, I felt lost. I couldn't go back to the way things had
been before with my master...but I wasn't sure I wanted to go
forward, either. I had always felt I'd found a place to fit in,
under the guidance of my master's gentle hand and free spirit.
And now I wasn't sure where I fit in.
Qui-Gon emerged from the bedroom and my focus turned outward
again. He cradled a red-faced Linli, who didn't seem to be
happy with him no matter how he patted or held her.
"She isn't wet...she isn't hungry," he said almost to himself.
"She's just..."
"Upset by the shifting Force currents," Master Windu said,
coming in from the kitchen with the tea. "And I can see why.
There have certainly been enough of them in here today. This
amount of shifting would be enough to set off bells and
whistles for a new knight. Can you imagine what it feels like
to a new baby with the amount of Force sensitivity your
new one has? I'm surprised she's lasted this long without
fussing."
Qui-Gon looked at Master Windu in surprise, his eyebrows
arching toward his hairline.
"I was going to say she's unsettled," he said, as if not
wanting Master Windu to think he didn't know the feelings of
his own daughter. "I can feel it within her. But you are right.
She is upset by all that has happened. As am I."
"Which doesn't help her, either," Master Windu said.
"And when have you suddenly become the infant expert?" Qui-Gon
asked, only half in jest. "To my knowledge, you have never had
an interest in children...and have even gone out of your way to
avoid having to deal with them."
Master Windu shrugged almost self-consciously. "Just a feeling
I had. That's all."
Still curled on the couch, I followed the conversation with my
eyes, as if the two masters dueled with lightsabers instead of
words. The banter flowed easily between them, as did the
undercurrents of their friendship, and I regretted that I was
likely to the be the reason they stopped.
Almost immediately, Qui-Gon looked over his shoulder, as if
seeing me for the first time. His expression changed to one of
shame.
"Obi-Wan..."
"Here, Qui-Gon," Master Windu said, holding out his arms toward
Linli. "Allow me."
After a short pause, Qui-Gon gently placed the newborn into
Master Windu's hands. Just as she was when my master held her,
Linli was all but hidden in the other master's cupped palms.
She was so tiny! No wonder Qui-Gon felt such a need to protect
her.
Gently, Master Windu shifted Linli to her stomach and then up
against his shoulder. She appeared so small, that he may have
held nothing more than a river stone. But he treated her
tenderly, as if she were a precious jewel or priceless
artifact. And she stilled. Without a word, Master Windu walked
slowly into my master's room, rubbing two fingers in comforting
circles around Linli's tiny back. Whether he was attempting to
put her back down to sleep or merely sitting holding her, he
didn't come back out of the room.
Shaking his head as if Master Windu's unusual reaction still
baffled him, Qui-Gon came to sit beside me once again, this
time pulling me into his arms. Startlingly, he let his shields
drop one by one, and all of his emotions, his thoughts, his
regrets were laid wide open for me to see. It was as
frightening as it was liberating.
When I next became aware of my surroundings, I found myself
sobbing, face against my master's robes like a lost child. And
in some ways I was. Did I belong to both masters now? Or
neither? Too emotionally drained to think about it further, I
allowed myself to be coaxed into an uneasy sleep, held as
gently as my master seemed to hold all that was precious to
him.
At seven years old, as I awaited my eighth birthday, the three
days before had seemed like a long time. At nine, when I was
separated from my master for the first time after forming our
training bond, the three days he was away on a solo mission had
seemed like forever. At fifteen, when I'd been hurt and lost in
the jungles on Trigatia, the three pain-filled days I'd spent
before my master found me had seemed never-ending. But now,
faced with only three days before one of the biggest changes of
my life, it seemed like only moments. And the moments were
slipping through my fingers.
I packed my things little by little, although I didn't have
much left in my master's quarters. During the year I'd spent
with him, Master Windu had been transferred to a larger set of
rooms built to accommodate a padawan learner, so my new bedroom
already contained most of what I needed for day-to-day living.
I hadn't moved all my things out of the quarters I'd shared
with Qui-Gon, though, and Master Windu hadn't made me. We'd
both known in our hearts that he would return-but neither of us
could have known that the beginning of his return to the Temple
would signal the end of his return to me.
It became a ritual. Each of our last three mornings together,
after Qui-Gon and I exercised and had first meal, I holed
myself up in my room to pack, to think, and to remember. It
worried Qui-Gon, I knew...and saddened him. We were both taking
the Council's decision badly and I knew he wanted to spend all
the time he could with me. But there were things I just could
not do in his presence, and packing to move out was one of
them.
With each trip I made to my new room-a new room located several
floors and corridors away from my old one-I felt my heart and
feet grow heavier. With each crate I carried out, a bit of me
went out with it. Masters and padawans were generally not
separated, except in the extreme cases of a grave illness or
death. And I had once known a master/padawan team to have been
separated at their own request, due to 'irreconcilable
differences', but I had never known a pair without major
physical or mental issues to resolve to have been split apart
due to Council decision.
My last day under Qui-Gon's tutelage was the hardest. I didn't
trust myself to speak without losing my control, and so I
remained as still as stone while trying to choke down the fruit
and muffins Qui-Gon had taken the time to prepare.
After breakfast, I disappeared into my room while Qui-Gon was
clearing the table and fell to my knees on the now-bare wooden
floor. I needed...something. Casting my mind into the Force, I
prayed for guidance. I didn't want to feel like this, didn't
want to ruin the only time Qui-Gon and I had left together, but
I didn't know how to make the horrible, empty feelings I was
having go away.
I had to do something. Something meaningful. Something
my master would always remember when he thought of me. When I
was no longer around. I closed my eyes, letting the tears in my
eyes slide past my lids and down my cheeks. It was such a small
price to pay for the sorrow I felt.
The small flow of tears turned into a great river, but the
tears were cleansing and I was not ashamed of them. I allowed
the feelings that rushed through me to swirl about for a bit
and then released them out into the Force. I needed to
experience them, but I also needed to let them go.
Not surprisingly, once I had emptied my soul of the worst of
its sadness, an idea came to me. Quickly washing my face and
straightening my robes, I left the quarters that would be mine
for only another half-rotation and headed to gather what I
would need to make my final contribution as Qui-Gon Jinn's
padawan.
"Obi-Wan?
Qui-Gon's worried voice was muffled on the other side of my
locked bedroom door.
"Obi-Wan? Are you certain that you are well?"
"Yes, Master," I answered back. He had asked no less than a
dozen times in the last six hours.
"Will you not even come out for night meal?" His voice grew
low, almost desperate. "Is this so upsetting to you, Padawan,
that you cannot even talk with me about it?"
I was still hurt by the Council's decision and there was no
doubt that a bit of my work this day had been in an attempt to
avoid the true issue of our impending separation. But the
project I worked so tirelessly on was becoming a project of
love and I was finding myself less and less anxious about the
future with each new addition I made to my handiwork.
My heart went out to Qui-Gon. While I had something to keep my
fingers busy and my mind at bay, he had no such thing. Doubling
my efforts, I wiped the sweat from my eyes and put on a burst
of speed so as to finish my work that much faster. And I had to
admit that each new touch spurred me on toward the moment when
I would be able to share this secret with my master.
Standing in the middle of the room which had been mine for over
a decade, I surveyed my work critically. Stretching, I thought
about how good it had felt to work with my hands, to pour
everything I had into the project. After ten and a half hours I
was completely exhausted, but I found my anticipation building
at the thought of sharing this with Qui-Gon. It sadly marked
the end of my time with him as padawan, but it would now also
mark a new beginning as well.
Showering and putting on a clean tunic and leggings felt
refreshingly wonderful. Carefully I rebraided my padawan tail,
fingers becoming shaky as I added the bead and fastener Qui-Gon
had given me for my eighteenth birthday. Taking a deep breath,
I straightened my clothing, took one last look in the mirror
and went to find Qui-Gon.
Taking care not to leave the door to my room open too long, I
slipped out into the main room and closed the door behind me.
Qui-Gon stood before me, as if he had been waiting all the
while. And aside from the barest necessities for himself and
Linli throughout the day, it was very possible that he had.
Momentarily I dipped my head in apology, but then, eager as a
new initiate, I grabbed the sleeve of his robe and tugged him
toward his bedroom.
"Obi-Wan...what...?"
"Come, my master," I told him. "You must get Linli. I have
something to show both of you."
My enthusiasm was apparently contagious, because Qui-Gon headed
straight for his bed, scooped a not-yet-sleeping Linli off the
coverlet and followed me across the suite. I triggered the door
to my room so that it would open, then motioned for him to go
in ahead of me.
As I turned the lights up, I saw his mouth tremble, saw a
shiver run the length of his tall frame. And I knew I had done
the right thing.
"Oh...Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon's voice was choked. "Oh..."
His hands shook and I feared he would drop the baby.
"Here, Master, I'll take her." I easily plucked Linli from his
shaky grasp and stood with her in the midst of the room's new
decor.
Suddenly, Qui-Gon's arms were around me, pulling me to him.
Emotions rolled from him like steam in a hot spring and I was
enveloped by them as much as I was enveloped by his embrace.
"Have I told you lately what a joy you are to me, my Obi-Wan?"
I blushed with pleasure at his words.
"It is beautiful," he said. "Just beautiful."
We looked around the room together, and I saw it through his
eyes as if seeing it for the first time. The walls were as blue
as a summer's day, with white wisps of clouds toward the top.
Along the bottom of the walls ran grass and flowers, as green
and colorful as the temple's Meditation gardens in summertime.
The ceiling was as black as the Coruscant night; the silvery
glow-paint I'd managed to find did very well as clusters of
stars.
Scattered around the room on the soft confetti-colored
carpeting were a small dresser, a rocking horse, a large
rocking chair, and a tiny cradle. Inside the cradle were pink
sheets and blankets and a stuffed ewok, all donated by the
masters in the creche nursery.
"Obi-Wan..." The rough voice was a mixture of astonishment and
sorrow. "When...? How...?"
I smiled. It had not been easy, but then a Jedi's life was
built around tasks which were not easy to accomplish. "A
challenge, Master," I said, turning toward him with Linli still
cradled in my arms. "Have you not always taught me that
resourcefulness is a trait of a good padawan learner?"
"But carpeting, Padawan?" Qui-Gon stepped from behind me
and stood before me, gesturing at the floor in awe.
Now I laughed. "That was the hard part, Master. The rest
wasn't too terribly difficult. It's amazing what two quiet
Council members and a stealthy padawan can do while one master
and one infant are taking a mid-afternoon nap."
"You smuggled in a room full of carpet while I was in the other
room sleeping?" Qui-Gon asked incredulously.
I ran my thumb over the back of Linli's tiny hand. "Yes,
Master," I said a bit sheepishly. "And Master Windu has asked
that I give you his apologies. The Force suggestion was only
for a half hour and Master Yoda granted him permission."
I didn't know what reaction to expect from Qui-Gon, but when he
laughed aloud I knew he wasn't angry with me or with the other
masters.
Stepping forward he took Linli and I into a joint embrace. "I
am touched by your thoughtfulness, Obi-Wan. And the
selflessness you show in all you do makes me proud of you every
minute of every day. You are truly the embodiment of what it
means to be Jedi."
In the shelter of his arms I felt like I was home. I wondered
if I would ever feel that way again, with my new master or with
anyone else.
"Does your offer of dinner still stand, Master?" I asked, not
wanting give up the moment but needing to break the tension. "I
can't even remember the last time I ate." As if to emphasize
the point, my stomach chose that moment to growl loudly...and
Linli chose the moment to begin fussing.
"It seems you are not the only one who is hungry, my Obi-Wan,"
Qui-Gon said, taking one last look around the baby's room.
"Come, let us see what we can find to eat. Perhaps the Temple
kitchen has sent up the special 'going away meal' I asked them
to prepare."
He turned and went out, leaving me to stare at his back,
wondering again at the powers which had seen fit to place my
path and Qui-Gon's side by side. And the powers which had
chosen to have me sent away from him.
The meal Qui-Gon had arranged was wonderful. I had worked up an
enormous appetite laboring on the nursery and with all my
favorites dishes being served it was not difficult to find
enough to eat. In fact, it was more difficult to make myself
stop.
The conversation through dinner was easy enough, with Qui-Gon
commenting on the new room and asking various questions. I kept
my own self busy remarking on the food and the amount thereof.
But always at the back of my mind was the thought that this was
our final meal together as master and padawan-and that it
should have been spent talking about something more important
than food and rooms.
As I looked at the last piece of dessert on my fork, a
representation of my last piece of time with Qui-Gon, my throat
swelled and my chest tightened. Unable to even see the morsel
through watery eyes, I quickly placed the utensil on my plate
and excused myself from the table.
"Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon's voice was full of concern.
I was acting like a child! Ashamed, I tried to release the
feelings into the Force, but found that I could not. I knew my
master would not willfully abandon me, but that's what it felt
like.
I turned around, suddenly brave enough to tell Qui-Gon what I
was feeling, and found myself standing face-to-chest with him.
"Master..." I began. "I'm sorry..."
In an instant I was wrapped in strong arms and held, the hand
rubbing my back telling me it was all right to feel this way.
"This is difficult for me as well," Qui-Gon said sadly. "I will
never have a padawan such as you again." He paused and stepped
away from me, taking my face in his hands. "I will never have a
padawan again."
I was shocked. "But Master, I..." I was speechless . He was
such a good teacher! Surely someone deserved to reap of his
experience and knowledge. "After Linli is a bit older...?" I
asked incompletely. "You know she will be an early candidate
for the creche..."
Qui-Gon shook his head, interrupting me. "No, my Obi-Wan. There
will be no one after you. The Council has chosen to remove you
from my care, and I can almost understand their motives, but I
cannot go through it again.
"The incomplete training of two padawans, for whatever reason,
is enough to make me rethink the path my life is taking.
Perhaps Azali was a sign. A sign that my future is to be shaped
differently than I had thought. I will remain on Coruscant. I
will care for Linli. I will teach if the Council wishes it. But
I will not take on another padawan."
As I was contemplating how I felt about my master's
announcement, the door chimed. Qui-Gon ordered it open.
Master Windu stood in the doorway, covered from head to toe in
a perfectly-pressed light blue cloak. The clothes beneath it
were light blue as well. Over one arm was draped another light
blue cloak and a set of light blue undergarments.
"For the ceremony," he said simply, holding them out to me.
"They are expecting us in fifteen minutes."
My stomach plunged. The transference ceremony! In all my
rushing and worrying, I had forgotten about it.
During the short ceremony, to take place in Council chambers,
the training bond Qui-Gon and I shared would be severed, and a
new bond would be created that would link me to my new master.
Master Windu and I already shared a small link, formed out of
necessity during our year together, but the new link would be
much deeper. And much more permanent.
I walked between my master and Master Windu on the way to
Council chambers, lacing my hands together inside the stiff
sleeves of the blue robe and trying not to fidget. I felt odd
in the new clothing that was so different in color and feel
from usual Jedi apparel-and I was nervous. The entire Council
would be there to witness the ceremony.
/Easy, Obi-Wan,/ came the mind voice I knew I would not hear
again after today. /They are only doing what they feel is best
for you. And put that way, I find that I cannot disagree./
I gasped, had to force myself to continue breathing. Qui-Gon
sounded as if he were utterly convinced. I would not
believe it. I refused to believe it. I would not give in to the
thought that had been more prevalent in my mind than any other
since Master Windu's announcement of the Council's decision. I
refused to believe that Qui-Gon would agree to this willingly,
would give me up without a fight...because somewhere inside he
believed the Council was right.
/No, Obi-Wan,/ Qui-Gon said reading my thoughts easily through
our link. /You mustn't think that. I do not agree with their
reasoning, and I cannot condone their actions, but the Jedi
must place their apprentices first. That is what this is about.
Many painful hours of meditation have made that much clear to
me. The Council is trying to put your well-being and training
above all else...and they are right to do so./
/Master?/ I had thought to be over the feelings that had
haunted me after they'd reached the decision to separate us.
But now the sting of betrayal sliced through me anew.
A warm pulse of reassurance flowed through our bond from
Qui-Gon as we reached Council Chambers, but I found I could not
return it. Utterly confused and not at all sure of what I
believed in anymore, I strengthened my shields around my
uncertainty and my fears. Dropping back as was proper padawan
etiquette, I allowed Qui-Gon and Master Windu to precede me
into the Chambers.
"Kneel before your master, you will, Padawan Kenobi."
Master Yoda, although not part of the vote, was here by
default, being the only Council member capable of performing
the Transference. Following ritual, I removed my robe and
handed it to my master. Slowly I knelt at Qui-Gon's feet, clad
only in my tunic and leggings.
Qui-Gon's hand came down upon my head, laying lightly against
the short padawan spikes. Shuffling slowly over, Master Yoda
put one hand over Qui-Gon's and the other on my shoulder.
"Silence, I do, the training bond between this master, Qui-Gon
Jinn, and this apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Determined by the
Council, it has been, that benefit from the link both parties
no longer do. Formed, today, a new link will be, bonding this
padawan to another master until a knight he becomes."
I suddenly became hyper-sensitive to the feelings and emotions
swirling around me. I felt a hesitation in Yoda as he denounced
our master/padawan bond. I heard an urge, an almost-shout in
Qui-Gon's mind to refuse the Council's judgment. I felt my
master's hand tremble upon my head, felt Master Yoda's fingers
unconsciously squeeze my shoulder as he spoke. And when it was
over, I was aware of something passing between my master and
his own master, but it was too tightly shielded, too fleeting
for me to perceive any more than that.
Master Yoda's hands lifted away and Qui-Gon's hand soon
followed, leaving me feeling strangely light-and sadly empty.
"Rise now, you may, Padawan," Yoda instructed.
I stood shakily, unsteady as a toddler, having to concentrate
on keeping my legs from buckling beneath me. Appalled at my
lack of control, I kept my eyes on the floor.
In the second half of the ceremony, I would kneel before Master
Windu as he would kneel before me. Forehead to forehead, we
would proclaim the master/apprentice vows. Upon the formation
of the training bond, we would be checked by Master Yoda, to be
sure the bond was strong and to assure our physical
wellness...and we would leave the Council Chambers as master
and padawan.
But knowing what to expect didn't make it any easier to accept.
Taking a deep breath, I lifted my head and turned to go to
Master Windu.
Before I knew what was happening, my face was captured between
two large, familiar hands and I found myself staring into my
master's...Qui-Gon's...shockingly blue eyes. Warm lips softly
brushed each of my cheeks and then my forehead.
So that was it. Permission had been requested and granted for a
final good-bye, when further contact between ex-master and
ex-padawan was usually forbidden, at least during the ceremony.
/Oh, Master, I.../
It was an automatic, engrained response. But now the
mind-thought went nowhere.
With something akin to a white flash of light and a mental
explosion that seemed to shatter my synapses, I was slammed
backward, literally. I fell hard onto my tailbone, spots
dancing before my eyes as electrical shocks of pain streaked
through my back and legs. Stunned, I shook my head and blinked,
as much to clear my vision as to clear my mind.
"Obi-Wan!"
I heard Qui-Gon's exclamation, but couldn't answer. The air had
fled my lungs, leaving me breathless, and my heart felt as if
it would beat out of my chest.
"Silence!" one of the Council members ordered.
But Qui-Gon refused.
"Obi-Wan?" he asked, lines of concern creasing his face. He
took a step toward me.
"You will observe the traditional silence of the Ceremony!"
another member demanded. "Or you will be escorted out!"
I could not draw in a deep enough breath. Fighting for air, I
felt like a fish cast out of the water.
"He is in trouble! Surely you can see that!" Qui-Gon bellowed,
closing the gap between us and kneeling down, reaching out.
"Touch him, you will not!" warned Master Yoda. "Dangerous it
would be for both of you."
Panting, light-headed, I tried to dissipate the spasming of my
lungs, but it only seemed to compound the problem. Panicked, I
had but one thought: if they would not allow Qui-Gon to help
me, I would die.
For the first time since we'd entered the room, I became aware
of Master Windu. He, like Qui-Gon, had been forced to maintain
silence throughout the ceremony.
"Allow me," Master Windu said almost apologetically to my...to
Qui-Gon.
When Qui-Gon showed no sign of allowing Master Windu to do any
such thing, Master Windu insisted.
"You must allow me to assist him, Qui-Gon," he said. "You will
not be able to do so now."
I had never seen such defeat in my master's eyes. Not when he
had been my master.
Master Windu knelt beside me, in Qui-Gon's place, as he had
many times during Qui-Gon's absence. He searched my face, then
motioned for Master Yoda to come quickly. The elder master did
so, brushing past Qui-Gon as if he did not exist.
With fingers and hands carefully placed, Yoda deftly opened
pathways and made connections. In no more than a few seconds,
the training link flared to life, leaving me wide-eyed and
motionless. And still unable to catch my breath.
/All is well,/ Master Windu said into my mind.
I could not respond. My chest rattled and wheezed with each
attempt I made to draw air.
/Obi-Wan...I know this is a shock, but you will recover from
it. You have my word. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and
deeply. Concentrate only on your breathing./
Master Windu's voice was hypnotic, soothing, as it whispered
into my mind.
/There. That's it. You're going to be fine. Just relax and
breathe. That's right. Relax your lungs, your back, your
muscles. Release your fears and uncertainty and allow yourself
to breathe...just breathe. Yes, Obi-Wan. Breathe slowly and
deeply."
Weakly, I lifted my head as Master Windu talked me through the
panic and confusion. His liquid brown eyes held nothing but
compassion and understanding. Beyond them I could see Qui-Gon's
blue eyes, filled with a suffering and hurt that made my chest
begin to ache again.
I tried to think of something calming, something to take my
mind off what it wanted to do. Oddly, my thoughts turned to
Linli. I was glad that Qui-Gon had her to occupy his days. It
would mean less time for him to think about what had taken
place here, less time for him to worry about me. In time, if he
couldn't forget me, then at least the joy he took in Linli
would overshadow the pain I had caused him here.
I felt myself begin to calm at last. My breathing began to even
out as I slowly gained control.
Master Windu offered me his hand and after a moment's
hesitation I took it. Standing was an agony, and I winced, but
I refused to allow it to show on my face. The Council would get
no more weakness or emotion from me.
"Declare this ceremony at an end, I do," Master Yoda said, back
in his Council chair once again. "Now, news regarding your
first mission, we have."
I nearly staggered where I stood. Mission? Master Windu was a
member of the Council. He didn't go on missions. Were
things going to change for him because he now had a padawan?
"Head to Holleeah to observe the crowning of their High First
One, you will. Leave in one hour, you do."
One hour? No. It was too soon. I couldn't leave Qui-Gon like
this. He wasn't ready. I wasn't ready...
"Yes, Master," Master Windu answered for both of us. "My
padawan and I will be ready."
The title sounded strange in my ears, coming from someone other
than Qui-Gon. I couldn't even look at my former master, for
fear of what I'd find in his expression. Bowing to the Council
after Master Windu, I followed him into the corridor and to our
quarters, to pack and prepare for the trip.
There wasn't much that needed packing for a mission so short as
the one we'd been assigned. Therefore, I was ready and waiting
by the door of my new quarters in less than ten minutes.
Master Windu came out of his bedroom, boots in hand, to find me
with my traveling cloak on, duffel bag slung over one shoulder.
"By the Force!" he exclaimed, feigning surprise but not trying
to hide his smile. "I was afraid Master Yoda had not given us
sufficient time to dress and gather our things, but now I see
that he could have given us much less. You are to be commended
on your efficiency, Padawan."
I stood, burrowing the toe of my boot into the carpeting.
"Why don't you relax, Obi-Wan?" Master Windu asked kindly,
sitting down in a chair to pull on his boots. "Come here and
keep me company for a bit. The time for our departure will be
upon us soon enough."
I sat because he had requested it of me. But when I tried to
think of some topic for conversation, I found that my thoughts
would focus only on Qui-Gon. And Linli.
I would never again train with my master, never learn a new
kata in the way that he taught it with such grace and unending
patience during the times I just couldn't seem to pick up the
skills quick enough. I would never again go on a mission under
Qui-Gon's instruction, never sit by his side at another
negotiating table, never find myself assigned to share another
overly small cabin with him on a mission, with an overly small
bed that caused my master's long legs and feet to dangle over
the edges.
I would not be there to know if Linli enjoyed her new room,
would not be able to go to her in the early morning or after
her nap to lift her from her new crib. I wouldn't be there to
rock her in the rocking chair when she woke up crying and
frightened in the middle of the night. I would not hear her
first word...see her first step... I'd felt an attachment to
her the moment she'd been born. Would she notice if I were
suddenly not around anymore?
"Obi-Wan?"
I blinked back to the present to find Master Windu looking at
me with concern.
"M...M..." I could barely force the word out. "Master?"
"Obi-Wan, it will be all right. You must believe me when
I say that."
I hung my head, ashamed to be so easily read.
"Obi-Wan." Master Windu came to sit on the edge of the couch
where I sat. He put a hand on my knee. "I can't claim to know
what you are going through. Not many masters or padawans can.
But I have no doubt that it is difficult."
My eyes widened in surprise.
"You will no longer be able to train with Qui-Gon, it is true,"
Master Windu said. "But when we are here at the Temple you may
see him whenever your studies allow. It is not the Council's
wish to keep you away from Qui-Gon...only to provide you with
the best environment possible to continue your education up
through your knighthood."
I was grateful for Master Windu's understanding, but couldn't
help wondering...Why was the place I'd grown up in, the master
I'd spent the last ten years with, not the best possible
environment? How could taking all of that away from me make
things better?
"You will need to let your meditations and your heart answer
your questions for you, Obi-Wan," Master Windu said, either
reading my mood or my expression. "And there is no rush. You
may take all the time you need to acclimate yourself.
"In the meantime," he said as he stood up, shouldering the bag
he'd dropped beside his chair. "I think we should head for the
hangar. We have a ship and a mission awaiting us, and we don't
want to be late for our first assignment."
My legs felt like lead as I obediently walked with Master Windu
to the hangar. The prospect of traveling to Holleeah would have
intrigued me at any other time, but something just didn't feel
right about it now. Master Windu had told me to listen to my
heart...but my heart seemed to be telling me that if I boarded
the ship, I would not be coming back here. Or at least not for
a very long while.
I stood on the platform inside the ship, onboard but not
wanting to be. And so it was that at the last moment, as the
doors were closing, I saw them. Qui-Gon and Linli. They stood
just inside the launching bay's entrance, Linli cradled in
Qui-Gon's arms. If only he had been a minute earlier! My mind
cried out at the injustice of a ship that would not stop its
take-off procedures long enough for me to run and say good-bye.
And then something occurred to me: Qui-Gon had not meant for me
to see them.
The tightness in my chest flared and I tried to remind myself
that this was difficult for him as well. He had been the master
and I the padawan, but in this pain of separation, we were
equals. If he wanted to see our ship depart, without having to
deal with the highly-charged emotions a final farewell would
have brought, it was his right.
With one last look at the ship's closed door, I turned and
walked away. There was something that bothered me. I had been
accompanying my master on missions for ten years and now, for
some reason, I felt as new to it as a Temple initiate. What was
wrong?
/You are human, my padawan,/ came the answer. /You are a person
with faults and with feelings. And you are feeling uncertain
and unsure, just as anyone beginning something new might feel./
I headed for the source of the mind voice, feeling a connection
to it that I hadn't before. I was just so empty...I needed
something-or someone-to fill the emptiness. And, upon
reflection, I found that if I could not have Qui-Gon as that
someone, then I wanted it to be Master Windu. Tentatively, I
broadcast the thought over our newly-developed training bond.
/Oh, Obi-Wan.../ The voice was compassionate. /I am sorry for
all you're going through. But you are a strong individual and I
know you will make this transition./
Yes. The adjustment would take time, and it hurt, but If Master
Windu had faith in me, it was only fair for me to trust in him
and return that faith. And to let either myself or Master Windu
down would be to dishonor Qui-Gon's faith in me as well.
The image of Qui-Gon and Linli in the hangar flashed into my
mind again. But instead of casting it aside, I wrapped it up
like a precious memento and tucked it safely into a corner of
my mind. I couldn't afford to cling to it as I was so tempted
to do, but it would be there when I wanted to look at it again.
/Will you join me for evening meditation and a discussion of
our mission, padawan?/ Master Windu asked.
I was close to our cabin by then, and I accepted the
invitation, letting Master Windu know I would be there
momentarily.
Our time on Holleeah was nothing unusual. The ceremony was
extremely short, the raucous celebration afterward extremely
long. After six days of standing by, watching the First One and
his supporters drink themselves into oblivion every night and
sleep away their days, Master Windu contacted Coruscant
requesting permission to return to the Temple.
"Now, Master Yoda? But..." I heard Master Windu ask as I made a
trip into the dining area with a pitcher of fruit juice for our
mid-day meal. I returned to the kitchen for the plate of
sandwiches.
When I walked back in with the sandwiches and a large bowl of
salad, Master Windu's voice was louder, demanding.
"...and keep him away that much longer? I don't agree with
this. It is true that he is strong, but no one should be forced
to..."
I stepped back into the kitchen one final time. They were
talking about me. Of that much I was certain. But keep me away
from what? And what didn't Master Windu agree with? I knew it
was not polite to eavesdrop, but with Master Windu just in the
next room the temptation was great.
"...expect too much." Master Windu paused, and I could feel his
frustration through our bond. "Very well. Please notify the
Council of my opposition. I will log it myself upon our return
to the Temple."
I placed a basket of warm bread in the middle of the table and
poured two glasses of the cold purple juice. Noon meal was
ready. Expectantly, I stood behind my chair, awaiting Master
Windu.
When he turned away from the communications console, he was
almost...stoic. Anger bubbled just below the surface of his
thoughts, although he tried to smooth over the rough edges as
he joined me at the table.
"M...Master?" I asked, biting my lip as soon as I said it. Even
after ten days I still occasionally stumbled over the title,
much to my dismay. "Has your request been honored? Will Master
Yoda allow us to return to Coruscant?"
I prayed that their argument had been over something entirely
different, and that our trip home was not the subject in
question. I had made it well over a week without Qui-Gon, but I
was beginning to feel the tiniest bit desperate. Even if I were
not allowed to interact with him, I wanted to see him, to know
he was well. Something in my heart demanded it.
Master Windu sighed heavily.
"I had no reason to believe we would not be returning to the
Temple, Obi-Wan...but another request has been made of us. In
the system adjacent to this one, two factions are locked in a
heated battle over several kilometers of land. The area in
dispute includes a sacred burial ground, which both parties lay
claim to.
"We are the closest pair of Jedi, but I am still not in
agreement with the Council in their decision to send us." He
pulled out his chair and sat down, indicating that I should do
likewise. "I will be honest with you, Obi-Wan. You have done
well on this mission. You have adjusted to the new situation
more quickly than I expected. And yet...I sense the strain you
are feeling."
I flushed. I had hoped to hide it from him. But he was my
master now, and knowing such things was his duty.
"I did hope we would be allowed to go back home after
Holleeah. My seat on the Council doesn't generally afford them
the luxury of sending me away for extended periods. But now..."
"Now you have me," I said miserably.
"Oh, Obi-Wan...no." His face was filled with apology for the
misinterpretation. "Never think that. You are not a burden to
me; you are a joy. Having you in my life has made me stronger
and more vital than I have been in many years! It is a
wonderful thing to realize that after so much time sitting in
stale Council chambers I have been given a fresh start, a
hands-on, minds-on chance to make a difference again."
"But...you make a difference every day, in your position as
Councilor..."
"It is not nearly the same, padawan. While it is true that our
decisions affect large populations and have far-reaching
consequences, being a Jedi master with an apprentice is
something to which nothing compares. Being given one individual
life to guide and shape and protect is the greatest reward any
Jedi can receive. And you are that gift to me, Obi-Wan. Never
forget that."
I swallowed hard. He sounded so like Qui-Gon that for a moment
it was almost as if I were back in my old life. But then the
lonely, empty feeling I got whenever I thought of Qui-Gon came
back, and I knew I would never have that old life again.
Master Windu began to serve lunch, then, passing the dishes to
me and encouraging me to partake of what would be our last meal
on Holleeah. I had no desire to eat, but I filled my plate
anyway, not wanting to worry him.
I took a sip of juice and picked up my fork, moving the salad
around in the sweet oil dressing. "Master Windu, did Master
Yoda say how long he thought we would be gone?" I tried to keep
the urgency from my voice, but there was a niggling at the back
of my mind, demanding that I ask.
Master Windu chewed quickly and swallowed, hand poised halfway
to his mouth with a piece of bread. "He could not be certain,
Obi-Wan. The dispute has gone on for more than three years,
now. It will not be easy to convince both sides of the
importance of not only sitting down to talk, but of making a
decision which will benefit everyone. Master Yoda estimated
three months, but I feel that that is overly optimistic."
Three months! Or longer... My fork fell to my plate with a
clatter and bounced to the floor, leaving several pieces of
lettuce and dressing droplets in its wake. Embarrassment
colored my face as I bent to retrieve the utensil.
"My apologies, master," I managed. "I believe some time in
meditation would be..."
"Obi-Wan," he stopped me in mid-sentence. "Tell me what
troubles you so."
His voice was so kind and my mind was so full of confusion that
the words tumbled out before I could stop them.
"I'm going to miss Linli's Force-blessing ceremony in two
weeks...and my birthday is the week after that..."
Once I said it, I fervently wished that I could take it back. I
sounded like a selfish, spoiled initiate only concerned with
having my own way. There were never any guarantees about where
a Jedi would be at any given time in his life, and many
important occasions had to be sacrificed when duty called. I
knew first-hand that Qui-Gon had given up much to hold his
place as Jedi master. Why, suddenly, had I forgotten that I,
too, must uphold the commitment?
Master Windu looked at me then, as if taking stock of what lay
in my mind and my heart. Something in his face said that he had
made a decision.
"We will return to Coruscant upon the completion of our
next mission, Obi-Wan," he said with absolute certainty.
I was shocked. "But the Council..."
"We teach our young ones to listen to the living Force and do
as their hearts tell them. And my heart tells me that after our
upcoming mission, you will have earned a visit home. Is that
acceptable?"
My heart leapt with joy at the prospect of seeing Qui-Gon and
Linli again. The anticipation of it, even though it was many
long months away, made me dizzy.
"Yes, Master Windu," I told him. "Thank you."
"It is the least the Council can do," he answered, a slight
frown creasing his brow. "But for now, when we're back aboard
our ship, why don't you send a communication to Qui-Gon? He
would be delighted to hear from you, I know, and," he gave me a
knowing look. "It would do you good to talk to him again."
I had been reluctant to send anything to Qui-Gon during our
current mission, not knowing if it would be allowed and not
trusting myself to speak with him so soon after our separation.
But now that I had permission to do so, I found myself looking
forward to it.
I sat, staring at the communications console, wiping tears of
frustration from my cold cheeks with the sleeve of my robe. It
was forever cold here. Master Windu said I would adjust, as I
managed to adjust to all things, but we had been in this place
two weeks and I wasn't getting used to the frigid temperatures.
"So, padawan, what did Qui-Gon have to s..." Master Windu
halted, mid-stride, taking in my tear-stained face.
He'd come in so quietly I hadn't heard him, hadn't had time to
turn away or formulate some excuse for my red eyes and wet
cheeks.
"Padawan? What is it?"
'It' was the first visual communication I had received from
Qui-Gon. We had sent several messages back and forth after
Master Windu had suggested it, but they had all been
audio-only. We'd yet to speak to each other face-to-face; I
wasn't ready for it and Qui-Gon never pressed the issue. Then
today's message had come, in both audio and visual. And I had
fallen apart.
I shivered and swiped my sleeve across my face again. "It's
nothing," I told Master Windu. "Just another message from
Coruscant."
"A sad message?" He looked at me in concern.
"No, master," I insisted. "Just a message. I'm fine, really.
It's nothing."
"This doesn't look like 'nothing', padawan." He reached out
and touched my cheek, brushing away a tear I'd missed. "It
looks like 'something.' Something that has disturbed you enough
to make you ten minutes late to our scheduled sparring
practice..."
I gasped. I had forgotten all about our session. "Oh, master,
I'm..."
"...and which has upset you enough to drive you to tears.
Surely anything that evokes this much emotion cannot be
classified as 'nothing.'"
I took a breath. I would tell him, but I would not lose control
again.
"Qui-Gon sent me the vid taken yesterday at Linli's
Force-blessing."
Linli had been born on the fifth day of the week, and so her
blessing day had been set, keeping with tradition, on the fifth
day of her fifth week. The vid had been filled with scenes of
all the masters and padawans who had attended the ceremony, all
smiling and taking turns holding Linli, beautifully dressed in
a long gown of lavender lace.
There had been cake and gifts to honor and bless Linli in her
new life at the Temple and Master Yoda had given the Force
blessing, just as he had at my own blessing day so many years
before.
"Ah." Master Windu nodded in sympathetic understanding.
"I know he sent it because I couldn't be there, master," I
said, lest he think me ungrateful. "I know he sent it as a
kindness, with only the best of intentions..."
"But seeing the vid has made you think about what you're
missing back home, yes?"
I nodded mutely.
"Was there something else in the communication, padawan?"
I hesitated, wanting to share my sorrow, and at the same time
to keep it to myself. "He w-wished me a h-happy birthday," I
managed at last, blinking quickly to suppress the tears
threatening again. "He said my gift would be waiting for me
whenever we return from Suundannar." I took in a shaky breath.
"Now there's something to look forward to," Master Windu told
me with a smile.
"Yes, master," I answered obediently, wishing more than ever
that I had not viewed the message chip Qui-Gon had sent.
"Come, padawan," he said. "A workout and some shared meditation
will benefit us both. Fetch your lightsaber and we'll see if
the large exercise room is still available."
"Yes, master," I answered again. I removed the data chip from
the reader and tucked it carefully into the pocket of my tunic.
Finding the lightsaber on the bed where I'd left it, I clipped
it to my belt and followed my master out.
The two weeks turned into four, and the four into eight. My
nineteenth birthday came and went, with no real significance
other than the fact that I was a year older.
The days were exhausting. Moreso, I thought, for Master Windu
than myself. I sat by his side at the negotiations, accompanied
him as we traveled from town to town talking to the people and
trying to make them understand that peace was necessary to end
the feuding.
The nights were...difficult. In the evenings, Master Windu
questioned me about my studies and led me in various katas and
meditations. If it had not grown too late, I would be left to
meditate on my own, as my master did so on his own. Meditations
complete, we would retire to bed. And the dreams would come.
At first, I had not been concerned. I had been taught that
dreams were sometimes born of the things we feared, and
somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I still harbored the
fear of having been removed from Qui-Gon's custody. But the
dreams, which began as bits and pieces of remembered time as
Qui-Gon's padawan, quickly turned into much more.
In my dreams, I could hear his voice, calling me. In my dreams,
I could hear his voice in my head, as if he were speaking
through our link. The link we no longer had. His mind voice
called to me, urged me to communicate with him, but I couldn't.
I wouldn't allow myself to jeopardize the training bond I now
had with Master Windu, even in my dreams.
At first, when I woke, the dreams would be gone. Sometimes I
could not even remember what I had dreamed about and sometimes
I could recall only wisps of the siren song that seemed to burn
in my brain more brightly with each passing night. And soon the
dreams began to come to me during the day, as well.
"Obi-Wan?"
Was it his voice in my mind? I turned my focus inward,
listening for the one who had called to me.
"Obi-Wan!"
No, not in my mind. Real. Not Qui-Gon. I jerked my head up,
deactivating my 'saber before I scorched myself, looked into
the worried eyes of Master Windu.
"Obi-Wan...I know this is a difficult drill, but you are doing
very well. Much better than I did when I was your age and
learning it." He smiled. "If you need a respite, we can go out
for a walk and pick this up again tomorrow."
"No," I told him, more fiercely than I'd meant to. "I'm fine. I
wish to continue." I gave him a weak smile. "Please."
Although at first he looked suspicious, Master Windu allowed
our session to continue. My performance was no better than
before and the mastering of the exercise continued to elude me.
Finally, Master Windu put an end to the workout, trying to
appear unbothered by it. But I knew I had disappointed him.
As I showered, I thought about the voice I'd heard in the
practice area. It was the first time Master Windu had been
present during one of the daydreams, and it had shaken me. What
would he do if he knew that his apprentice was hearing
voices...having visions? What would he say if he knew his
padawan was going crazy?
He couldn't find out. I wouldn't let him. I would have to be
careful. Master Windu had all but given up his work with the
Council to take me as padawan, and I wouldn't dishonor his
sacrifice by letting my dreams degrade and weaken the bond we
had. I would need to work harder, try harder, meditate harder,
to bar the dream-thoughts from my mind. There was something
very wrong inside of me, but until I knew what it was I would
need to be cautious.
Eight weeks turned into sixteen, and still the negotiations
showed no sign of ending. Outwardly my studies went well and I
was a proper padawan. I paid close attention to the talk from
both sides and offered my master input whenever he requested it
of me.
My training continued and I surprised even myself as I flew
through katas meant for padawans two or three levels above my
current level. Concentration became a second skin to me; I
concentrated on excelling as an apprentice, concentrated on
narrowing my focus to the negotiations and my training. Only
that and nothing else. But the images and voices in my mind
were growing stronger and I was becoming mentally and
physically exhausted from living two such different lives every
day.
I looked at Master Windu expectantly as he walked into our
temporary quarters on Suundannar. He had asked me to meet him
after my evening meditation, but then had not been home when
I'd arrived.
"Master? You said that you had a surprise?"
I looked around. There was nothing here that hinted at a
secret; Master Windu had brought nothing in with him when he'd
come. I was literally having to drag myself out of bed most
mornings, the voice in my mind making sleep nearly impossible,
but the prospect of a surprise had me almost dancing with
excitement.
"So eager, my young padawan?" Master Windu laughed. "Good. I
don't see nearly enough of this side of you anymore. Perhaps I
should plan surprises more often."
The comment sobered me. Was my distress still so obvious? I
added a lesson in control to my list of meditations for the
evening.
"Come now," Master Windu was saying. "We'll have no long faces
here. I guess I'll just have to reveal my secret."
I sat on the edge of the couch, expectantly, caught up again in
the mystery despite of myself.
"You are aware that in two days time the Suundannarians will be
celebrating the Festival of the Rings."
I nodded.
"It will mean a complete cease-fire and no negotiations for the
length of the festival, which lasts nine days."
It was a relief to hear. The talks were becoming tedious,
tempers beginning to fray. A break might be just the thing to
allow everyone to step back and reflect.
"And since we are three and a half days away from Coruscant, we
should be able to make it there and back, with two days to
spend at the Temple. Would you like to do that, Obi-Wan?"
Coruscant! I was speechless. I'd longed for it for almost five
months, dreamt about it. And now we were going back...going
home.
"Yes, Master," I answered eagerly. "Very much so."
"Good, then it's settled. And I still mean to follow through
with what I said before, Obi-Wan. After negotiations are
finished here, we will return to the Temple. We both
need some time back on our home soil."
'Whether the Council agrees to it or not,' remained unspoken,
hanging, like a shroud, over the rest of our conversation.
As we neared Coruscant, I grew increasingly confused. My mind
told me one thing, while my heart told me another. I'd wanted
so much to see Qui-Gon again, to be close to him and Linli
again. But now that it was going to happen, I was unsure about
it, torn between wanting to go back to what we'd had
before...and knowing that I could never go back.
The dreams seemed to lessen, as we got closer to Coruscant,
which was a blessing in itself. Perhaps if the voices went with
them, there would be no chance for me to slip up during my
visit with Qui-Gon.
When the door to our ship released and I saw Qui-Gon standing
against the far wall as he had been the last time I'd seen him,
my heart nearly stopped. Stumbling blindly down the ramp, I
followed my master's cloaked back, unable to think of anything
but the beautiful face I had waited half a year to see.
"Mace, you're looking well."
Master Windu stopped in front of Qui-Gon, taking the
outstretched hand into his own strong grasp and shaking it
warmly. He turned around expectantly, to find me all but hiding
behind his cloak, suddenly timid. Stepping to the side, he put
a reassuring hand around my shoulders.
"Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon's blue eyes met mine and my stomach
somersaulted.
I felt a jolt of pleasure at his words and couldn't help but
smile a small smile. "Master..."
The color drained from my face at the mistake. It was habit. I
was so used to it. But what would Master Windu think, if after
all he'd done for me I still looked upon Qui-Gon and thought of
him as my master?
/He would think no less of you, padawan,/ came Master Windu's
soft voice in my mind. /Your situation has been a difficult one
and you have weathered it admirably. Where other padawans would
have been bitter and angry, you have been strong./
But I was angry, I thought. Angry at the Council for
taking me away from my master, angry at my master for appearing
to agree with the Council's reasoning...
/Yes, you were angry, my padawan, perhaps a part of you still
is, but your strength of character and your maturity have
helped you to cope. I know you meditate on the sadness and loss
you sometimes feel, but you don't let those feelings control
you. It is a trait which moves padawan learners ahead in their
training and makes good Jedi knights great./
/Oh, master,/ I sent gratefully through our link. / Thank you./
Master Windu sent a wave of reassurance through the bond. /No,
thank you, Obi-Wan. You are a true joy to have as a
padawan learner and I am honored to be your teacher./
Out loud, Master Windu said, "Qui-Gon, would you have time to
spend with an apprentice this afternoon? I would like to visit
Master Billaba and her soon-to-be-knighted padawan. I'm sure
the conversation and reminiscing would pale in comparison to
time spent with you."
My eyes widened as Master Windu actually winked mischievously
at Qui-Gon. Both masters laughed at my reaction, unable to keep
their faces straight.
"Well..." Qui-Gon appeared to think. "I could use some
help. I have a class of Beginning Levitation to teach to a
group of precocious five year olds at fourteen hundred hours
and my assistant is off-planet. And I was planning to take in a
mid-afternoon meal and work out with Master Kentada, but he has
fallen ill. Would the apprentice in question be useful for any
of these things?"
Qui-Gon's eyes sparkled with his teasing and I wanted to shout
for joy and sob all at once. It was so good to be home.
"Yes," Master Windu said with a smile. "The apprentice I have
in mind is an excellent one. You will find him a hard worker
and an eager learner. I think you'll be very pleased."
I blushed slightly, both at what was being said...and what was
not.
Putting the humor aside, Master Windu turned to look at me. I
could barely stop from bouncing on my toes. It was with great
difficulty that I kept my feet flat on the floor.
"It is your choice, Obi-Wan. If you wish to accompany me to
Master Billaba's, you are welcome to do so. Otherwise you may
spend some time with Qui-Gon. We have no plans for this
evening, so you may meet me back in our quarters whenever you
are finished."
I was nodding my consent before he was finished speaking. "If
you would give Master Billaba and her padawan my regards,
Master," I said. "I think that I should like to stay with
Qui-Gon. It will be nice to be back in the Temple with the
other initiates and masters again."
"Very well. And Qui-Gon if that is also acceptable to you, I
shall take my leave of both of you."
Qui-Gon nodded and gave me a warm look. "I'll return him before
dawn," he said with a chuckle.
Out in the corridor, Master Windu went one way, and Qui-Gon and
I went the other.
"Are you really teaching classes now, Mast...Qui-Gon?" I asked.
"I really am, Obi-Wan. When the Council learned of my desire to
teach, there was no end to the courses they sent my way. From
second-year vessel mechanics to Senior Padawan 'saber drilling,
I had a wide variety to choose from. The younger class simply
felt like the right choice."
"Master," I asked suddenly. "Where is Linli?"
Qui-Gon smiled. "Linli has recently started spending one day a
week in the creche nursery. As you know, they will accept her
as an early initiate-candidate after her first birthday; this
is merely a trial period to gauge her...reaction to it."
The creche already? It did not seem possible. "And how is she
doing?" I asked.
Qui-Gon beamed with pride. "They say she is doing quite well.
She is more alert and mindful than most infants her age, and
the creche masters tell me they sense that she is very strong
with the Force."
"I'm so pleased," I told Qui-Gon. "You knew she had that
potential even before she was born, didn't you?"
Qui-Gon nodded slowly, as if thinking back to that time, which
now seemed so long ago. "Yes," he said quietly. "I felt it in
her even then."
I matched Qui-Gon's pace and we walked in comfortable silence
to the schooling area.
After a late lunch, Qui-Gon and I found ourselves in one of the
workout halls. A light warm-up was followed by an equally light
workout...until Qui-Gon asked to see some of what I was
learning with Master Windu.
"I must..." Qui-Gon said as he gulped in a shallow breath and
sidestepped one of my thrusts. "..speak to Master Windu. He is
obviously..." Qui-Gon looked up in amazement as I flipped
neatly over his head, landing steadily on the floor and
deflecting a blow. "...in need of congratulations."
As if in demonstration of Master Windu's training methods, I
spun around with a wide kick and knocked Qui-Gon's 'saber from
his grasp. It clattered to the floor, the noise echoing in the
high-ceilinged room. We both watched it trace a wide
semi-circle on the floor before Qui-Gon put his hands up in
mock surrender.
"I concede," he said with a laugh, calling his lightsaber back
into the palm of his hand.
I had often bested my master during our 'saber drills, but not
as thoroughly as this. He was actually breathing heavily.
"I'm a bit out of practice," Qui-Gon said as if in answer to my
observation. "With no padawan to train and only a group of five
year olds to keep me on my toes, I'm afraid I've become a bit
complacent."
"Oh no, master," I protested. "You're still as good as ever. I
was merely..."
"Demonstrating-quite vividly-that you've learned a great deal
in the last year and a half," came the reply.
I closed my mouth and then opened it again. "I was going to say
lucky," I told Qui-Gon sheepishly.
"Possessing skills like that is not luck, my padawan," Qui-Gon
said with conviction. "It is finely honed training and a
lifetime of practice." He looked deep into my eyes, and I found
myself falling into them. "You have come far, Obi-Wan. You've
obviously taken your workouts and your studies seriously and it
shows."
I felt a momentary pang of guilt, thinking of how I'd thrown
myself into my training only recently, after the dreams had all
but taken over. A shudder went through me.
"Obi-Wan?"
Still sensitive as ever to my moods, Qui-Gon stood looking at
me, a question on his face.
I smiled brightly. "It's nothing," I told him. How many
times had I used that line recently? I asked myself. And
how many more could I use it before someone began to doubt my
sincerity?
The subject was dropped as a light flashed above the door,
indicating that the room's next occupants had arrived.
"Shall we call it an afternoon, padawan?" Qui-Gon asked as he
wiped the sweat from his brow with the towel he'd brought.
"It's nearly time to retrieve Linli, anyway. If you'd like, we
can stop by the creche to get her and go for a swim. She is
quite fond of the water...unlike a certain young initiate I
once knew."
I shuddered again, but this time it was in remembrance of the
Temple swimming lessons I had loathed so much as a child. One
of Qui-Gon's earliest memories of me, I knew, was of a
terrified four year old with a death grip on the pool railing,
kicking and screaming as two lesson masters and a knight
attempted to pry him free.
On the hot, dry planet where I'd been born, large amounts of
water had not been plentiful nor visible. Qui-Gon realized that
and after taking me as padawan, he had worked carefully and
diligently with me to help me overcome my fear. I never became
a water lover like my master, but I did find some level of
comfort in the water, eventually.
The creche nursery was alive with activity. In every corner of
the room, babies and toddlers stood, rocked, climbed, sang.
Dancing to music, picking up toys, sucking on fingers, they
created a Force signature that would have made even the
gruffest of masters smile.
Qui-Gon had stopped to talk to one of the creche masters and so
I looked about the busy area, wondering if I could pick out
Linli. In my mind's eye I pictured her as she had been when I'd
last seen her. Red curls. Eyes of emerald green. Casting my
eyes over the area, searching, I tried to imagine what she
might look like now.
A blonde youngster building with blocks. A girl with mousy
brown hair dressing a doll. Two raven-haired toddlers playing
with colorful clay under the watchful eye of a senior padawan.
A nearly-bald infant, close to Linli's age, I thought, sitting
up precariously, holding tightly to a green ball. A sprightly
red-headed tot, placed in a seat in the doorway, bouncing
happily up and down, laughing.
Linli? I thought, even as almost certain knowledge of
who the baby was swept through me.
Suddenly her head turned, wide eyes glued to me.
"Hi, Linnie! Hi, Linnie!" one of the toddlers shouted and waved
as he passed by the jumper chair, pushing a pair of stuffed
banthas along the floor.
It was Linli. It had to be. But it was hard to believe.
The infant who had been born so small and premature, whose
wisps of red hair I had once curled around my little finger,
was now a cherubic little girl with hair long enough to fasten
up on top of her head like a rust-colored water spout.
We were still staring at each other when Qui-Gon walked over,
putting a hand on my arm. "Obi-Wan?"
I looked at Qui-Gon, blinking, then looked back to see that the
child had not broken eye contact. "Master," I asked in awe. "Is
that her?"
Qui-Gon looked from my face to Linli's and back again. "I knew
it," he murmured. "I knew it was so."
The master Qui-Gon had been speaking to walked up. "She
remembers him, doesn't she?" she asked in quiet amazement.
Qui-Gon nodded almost numbly.
I stood frozen in place. She remembered me? After all this
time? Surely it was not possible.
"It is possible, my Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon answered my unspoken
thought. "You were there at her birth. She and I had a bond
almost from the moment she was conceived, but you are the first
person she connected to, physically and spiritually, after she
was born."
While he was speaking, he went to Linli, picked her up,
straightening the one-piece dark green romper she wore. She
smiled a heart-breakingly beautiful smile, just for him, then
lifted her head to gaze over his shoulder-at me.
"Hello, sunshine," I said softly. "How are you?" For a moment,
I thought she would leap from Qui-Gon's hold the way she was
kicking her legs and waving her arms.
"Look, Linli," Qui-Gon said as if she were ten and could
understand. "Obi-Wan has come to visit. Shall we take him to
the pool with us for a swim?" Another brilliant smile.
"Well, then, let's go," he said, placing Linli in my surprised
grasp and thanking the nursery attendants for watching her. I
carried her as carefully as a fragile vase of flowers all the
way to the pool and all the way back to temple living quarters.
Our two days at the Temple went by quickly. The time I spent
with Linli and Qui-Gon was inexplicably wonderful, the hours
alternately seemed to crawl by and fly. I tried not to get too
used to things, tried not to become too attached to Linli,
because I knew it might be many more months before I was
allowed to return to Coruscant. But it was difficult.
"Oh. Oh. Oh."
As I knelt in meditation, I was aware of Linli lying on a
blanket on the floor, babbling.
"Oh...oh...oh...oh...oh..."
Surfacing completely, I looked over to see her holding on to
her bare toes and chanting-looking at me as if she expected me
to answer.
"Oh...oh...oh..."
I was awestruck. Linli had many sounds in her vocabulary, but
aside from dadadadada and mamamama I had not heard her voice
any as clearly as this. I had a sudden thought. No...it
couldn't be possible...could it?
Experimenting, I made eye contact with Linli and smiled. Her
face broke into an imitative smile. Slowly, I turned my back to
her, leaving her staring at the hood of my robe.
"Oh..."
I kept still, remained as I was.
"Oh."
There was no mistaking it. The sound was said with
imperative...a need to call attention.
I turned back around just as slowly...and found Linli's eyes
burning into mine.
"Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon came into the room, pulling up short as if
recognizing some important discovery being made.
"Oh." There was no doubt now. The sound perfectly matched the
tone of Qui-Gon's words. Linli was saying my name.
This time when Master Windu and I departed, Qui-Gon and Linli
were there with me, to say a proper good-bye. A sweet, sloppy
kiss on the cheek and a small, backward wave from Linli were my
parting gifts. Tears stung my eyes.
"Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon's voice was close beside me, but I couldn't
turn to look at him. He held Linli in the crook of his arm, and
I reached out to her. I concentrated on the feel of her hand
wrapped around my finger, holding on tightly.
Qui-Gon put a hand on my shoulder. "Obi-Wan, you do know that
you can call me...contact me, if you ever need to talk... That
I'll always be here for you..."
I couldn't find the words to reply. It hurt to breathe.
"I...I..." Linli's fingers fell away from mine, as if she could
sense my distress and was puzzled by it.
"Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked.
"Obi-Wan!" Master Windu called from the top of the platform.
"We must be going."
My heart beat wildly in my chest. I was being torn, pulled in
two directions at once. The ship held my mission...but the
temple held my life.
"Obi..." I knew Qui-Gon felt my confusion and I knew I needed
to get away before he discovered any more.
"Yes, I know," I mumbled, barely able to hold my despair in
check. "I know."
Moving like an automaton, fists clenched tightly, I stumbled
blindly up the ramp and into the ship. Once again, I was being
forced to leave my home.
Master Windu touched my arm as the doors closed with a loud
hiss. "I know this is difficult for you, my padawan..."
Something inside of me suddenly snapped.
"You are not my master!" I exploded, breathing hard.
"You never have been, and you never will be. The Force chose a
master for me when I was nine, and it wasn't you."
The look of pain that crossed his face was almost enough to
make me sorry for my outburst. Almost.
"Obi-Wan," Master Windu tried again. "Calm yourself and try to
think rationally for a moment..."
"No!" I shouted, my face as hot as my temper. "I'm tired of
being calm, tired of doing as you wish...as the Council wishes!
If you cannot understand that, then perhaps you can understand
this: Leave. Me. Alone."
I poured all of my energy into my shields, strengthening them
until it was impossible to feel the Force currents around me,
deadening Master Windu's signature in my mind. Turning on my
heel, I fled the area, seeking only the sanctuary of the small
room that would be mine for the length of the trip. Once there,
I locked the door to the bedroom behind me, fell to my knees,
shaking so hard I feared my very soul would shatter.
"Obi-Wan?"
I had remained in my room for the length of our journey, not
eating, not sleeping. Merely kneeling on the hard floor and
attempting to meditate my feelings of insecurity and sorrow
away. If anything, the displacement and anger were growing
worse instead of better.
"Obi-Wan?"
I knew I could not avoid contact with Master Windu forever, but
I didn't know what I would say if I were forced to confront
him. I had acted horribly, and although I could still not
understand what had caused me to behave in such a way, I was
sorry for it.
He had been vigilant these past days, allowing me the time I
needed to understand and deal with what I was feeling. He could
have forced his way into the room if he'd wished, but he
hadn't. Whatever was happening to me, he had allowed me wrestle
with it alone. Some tests of courage and strength took place
outside one's knighting trials and good masters knew when to
give assistance and when to step aside.
"Obi-Wan," he said again through the closed door. "We are
scheduled to arrive on Suundannar in six hours. If you have not
yet reached a resolution of your feelings through meditation
and fasting, it may be time to seek assistance."
A great Jedi knows when it is safe to proceed alone and
when, even in his greatness, he must seek help.
The ancient quote flowed into my mind, either from my own
memory or from Master Windu's. I could not be certain. I felt
my reserves crumbling.
"Allow yourself the help your body and mind crave, Obi-Wan,"
Master Windu soothed. "It is not a weakness, I promise you.
Allow me to help you, please."
I could feel his desperation now, his need to know what was
happening, his determination to help me even though I showed no
desire for it. Somehow, somewhere inside of myself, I knew that
no matter what he did, it would not be enough.
Sighing, I released the door lock with a nudge of the Force,
and allowed Master Windu entrance.
He did not gasp aloud, but the startlement I felt from him was
the mental equivalent. For a moment, in his mind, I saw myself
as he saw me: skin pale, clothes rumpled, eyes empty, dark
circles beneath indicating my lack of sleep.
"Obi-Wan, please," he said carefully, as if not wanting to
frighten me. "Allow me to get you something to eat, some warmer
clothes. You're shivering."
Only then did I realize that I was, indeed, cold. This ship and
the planet had always made me feel so. Cold to the bone. Cold
to my soul.
When I didn't move, Master Windu deftly removed the blanket
from the bed and draped it over my shoulders.
"Some broth, padawan?" he asked. "Would you like some broth
and some crackers? Something light, to give you a bit of
energy? Then we can talk."
The words were more like a buzz inside my head than
conversation. I heard them, but they barely made sense.
Master Windu gripped my arm lightly, trying to help me up and
onto the bed. Automatically, I pulled away, swaying
precariously, dizzy. Suddenly, movement was not a choice.
Wrapped in Master Windu's familiar Force signature, I was
lifted and settled against the pillows, blanket tucked around
me.
As Master Windu went into the other room, presumably to
replicate the broth, I began to get angry again. Why was this
happening? Why did I feel this way? Why would the Force not let
me understand my feelings and release my fear as I had been
taught to do?
"All very good questions, padawan," Master Windu said, easily
reading my thoughts through shields which had become almost
nonexistent in my weakened state. Sitting on the edge of the
bed, he held the bowl of broth and offered me the spoon.
"Perhaps we may find the answers together."
I couldn't manage more than a few spoonfuls of the warm liquid.
I attempted a bite of cracker, but found it dry and tasteless,
like so much sand. My stomach churned, even with that little
bit of nourishment, and the headache which had plagued me since
our departure from Coruscant came back full force.
Master Windu set the bowl aside. "I think we need to have a
talk," he said.
I hung my head.
Master Windu lifted my chin with one finger. "Is there anything
you wish to tell me, Obi-Wan?" he asked, his voice as gentle as
before.
"Yes, Master," I said. My voice was rough from days of non-use.
"I wish to apologize for my behavior three days ago. It was
inexcusable and I submit myself for whatever punishment you see
fit." His hand gone, my chin dropped down again and I stared at
the bed covering.
He took in a long breath. "Obi-Wan...I do not wish to punish
you. I only wish to understand what is going on, so that I may
help you. Tell me what has been going through your mind."
I had not expected him to be so understanding, so kind. After
the way I had acted, it didn't seem right.
"Negotiations with the Suundannarians are going to be more
difficult than before," Master Windu said, seemingly changing
the direction of the conversation. "If we are to work out a
treaty, both sides are going to have to give something up, and
I'm afraid that isn't going to please many of them. But I
believe that we shall know, rather soon, whether an agreement
can be reached. Perhaps in the next several days."
I lifted my head. "You believe negotiations will end before the
week is over?" I asked, not daring to hope.
Master Windu shook his head. "End? No. But I do believe we
shall soon know whether they will be successful. Once both
sides can agree that there should be a treaty, then the
negotiations of that agreement can begin. It may very well be
many more months before the details of it are finally settled,
if indeed they are settled at all."
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, unable to hide the raw
pain in my voice. I wanted nothing more than to be away from
this place, to be back at the Temple, and Master Windu was
discussing the possible addition of months to our stay.
"I tell you, Obi-Wan," he said. "Because I want both of us to
be at our best during this crucial stage of negotiations. We
will need to rely on each other, to communicate with each
other...and if there is unresolved tension between us, it will
only be detrimental. To us and to our mission.
"Help me to understand what you've been feeling, so that we may
find some peace between ourselves. Only then will we be able to
help the Suundannarians find peace."
I wanted to tell him then. I longed to share the feelings of
despair that had driven me nearly insane these last three days,
to tell him about the visions that haunted my days and nights.
I wanted to explain to him how the voices in my head demanded I
listen to them, demanded the attention I should have been
devoting to Master Windu and the missions.
But it was so hard. And I was so confused. Still, I owed him
more than the silence I had given him since we'd boarded the
ship. I opened my mouth to speak, unsure of what I would say.
/Would it be easier to tell me this way, Obi-Wan?/ Master Windu
asked silently. /Perhaps using our bond would allow you to.../
The pounding in my head, which had faded to a dull ache,
suddenly increased ten-fold. I gasped, hands flying to my
temples in an attempt to stop the pain. Doubled over, head on
my knees, I heaved, emptying the contents of my already empty
stomach, Master Windu reaching out to hold my shoulders as I
rocked back and forth.
/Master!/ I cried out. /Master, help me, please!/
/I am here, Obi-Wan,/ came Master Windu's voice. /I'm right
here./
Again, my mind recoiled violently at the presence of his
signature.
/NO!/ My mind screamed of its own accord. /Master!/
I felt Master Windu's touch in my mind, felt blackness enfold
my body, wrap itself about my tortured mind. I struggled not to
succumb to it, but its pull was impossible to resist. I fell
into a deep, Force-guided sleep.
We arrived on Suundannar no closer to a solution than before. I
was able to gain a tenuous hold on my emotions and feelings
through meditation, but the upheaval, the uncertainty, between
us remained.
Neither of us understood what had happened, or why, but with
the hectic schedule we were forced to keep and the pressure of
the unfinished negotiations, it became easier and easier to
lose ourselves in our work and not to examine too closely what
had taken place on the ship.
After our first week back, I had improved my shielding enough
to project a bit of outward calm. Enough to stand by Master
Windu in our negotiations duties. Enough to hide my
nightmares...which were back and worse than ever.
At the end of the second week, the Suundannarians had agreed to
an uneasy peace. The hammering out of the treaty details was
tedious and draining, with no end in sight, and I had to fight
to get through each day with my sanity intact.
I had to get back to Coruscant. I didn't know why, but I
had to. The need to return to the Temple was so great it was
almost all I could think about. My mind longed for it, thoughts
of it flashed through my mind, voices rang in my ears. But I
was committed to Master Windu and we were committed to our
mission, and going back to Coruscant was not a possibility.
It was freezing outside. Again. On foot, we were accompanied by
six of the Suun leader-delegates, heading to Dannar for a
meeting with six of their delegates. The day promised to be a
long one, and I was already exhausted.
Dressed in the garments and thick cloak I always wore when
Master Windu and I traveled from town to town, I was sweating.
The Suundannarian air was cold and damp and the wind was
relentless. And yet I was unbearably warm.
Weaving down the road, I struggled to keep up. I walked behind
the other seven, as was my place in the proceedings, trying not
to call attention to myself as I wiped my brow with the sleeve
of my robe. Force, why was I so hot?
"Perhaps your apprentice could use a rest," one of the
leader-delegates said. I didn't realize he'd spoken until the
line of men stopped and Master Windu turned around to look at
me. Glad for the hood that hid my flushed face, I stood up
straight and attempted to even my erratic breathing.
"Obi-Wan? Are you feeling well?" Master Windu had not attempted
to use our training bond since the disastrous results of the
last time he'd done so, but even without the link, he was
sensitive to my moods.
"Y...yes, Master," I managed to reply. "I am fine. Merely a bit
winded from the uphill climb. Please, do not stop our journey
on my account." If I had not been a young Jedi apprentice in
the prime of his training, it might have been true.
Clearly not convinced, Master Windu turned around after a time,
and we began our walk again. I blinked as my eyes played tricks
on me, painting flashing colors over everything, turning things
suddenly black and white and then fuzzy around the edges.
I stumbled more than once, my footing unsteady and unsure even
though the ground beneath me was smooth and flat. Yet whenever
Master Windu glanced back over his shoulder, I somehow managed
to be satisfactorily upright, with one foot moving in front of
the other.
As we approached the city limits, my legs began to feel like
lead pipes. Each step was harder than the last, and my heart
pounded in my chest from the exertion. Despite the rivulets of
sweat trickling down my back and neck, I shivered violently.
The shudder that wracked my body threw me off balance. Arms and
hands tucked into my sleeves, unable to catch myself, I landed
with a grunt on the hard, dusty ground.
"Obi-Wan!" Master Windu and the others in the party were down
on the ground at my side in a matter of moments.
I couldn't answer. The breath, which had been knocked out of
me, flowed back into my lungs in bits and pieces, making me
gasp and wheeze. Disoriented, I lay in the dirt, desperately
trying to recover.
Deftly, Master Windu's hands traversed my body, searching for
twists or breaks, cuts and bruises. Finding none, he gently
turned me onto my back.
"Padawan, I want to help you," he said, as he absently traced
my cheekbone. "But you must help me. Tell me what I can do."
I closed my eyes, both to block out the worried faces looking
down at me and to concentrate on Master Windu's voice.
"Please, Obi-Wan. What is the matter? Where does it hurt? Is it
your head again?"
There were too many questions, too fast. I couldn't answer
them. My eyes flew open, as the horror of what was about to
happen hit me a second ahead of my reaction to the
overstimulation.
A dozen hands were suddenly upon me as my body convulsed
helplessly on the cold ground. Again. And again. My arms and
legs felt numb, my back and neck were pulled so taut I thought
they would snap. And still the convulsions continued.
"Desrin!" one of the leader-delegates shouted. "Run ahead and
fetch a healer! Tell him if we can't bring the boy to him,
he'll have to come to us."
Gentle hands were placed beneath my head and neck. I recognized
Master Windu's touch. Another set of hands held my shoulders,
not forcing the tremors to stop but making them easier to bear.
I took a shuddering breath, felt my stomach contract and lurch.
I began to wretch and it took only seconds for the others to
realize what was happening. Quickly I was turned onto my side,
head held securely, as I vomited unendingly into the soil.
"We must get him to the healer!" Master Windu told the men. "If
he cannot walk, we will carry him. He needs medical attention
now."
I had no control over my body, couldn't have hoped to stand,
let alone walk, which they quickly discovered. As I gasped out
in pain and terror, I was lifted into strong arms and rushed
toward the city.
I came awake slowly, feeling as though I were deep underwater.
/Obi-Wan./
A distant voice echoed in my mind.
"...doing what I can...him," a voice said. "But
I'm...suggestions..."
I was lying on something much softer than the dry ground.
Somewhere warmer than the outside. My stomach hurt and my head
ached, but the convulsions had ceased.
/Obi-Wan./
"...unresponsive...listless. ...healer...no help. I
need...Temple. ...need Qui-Gon."
/Obi-Wan!/
The mind voice grew more insistent.
Qui-Gon? I surfaced, the name on my tongue. "Qui-Gon...?"
Master Windu's voice faded as he turned in my direction.
"Obi-Wan?" he asked almost desperately.
I felt my eyes rolling back into their sockets again, felt
heavy lids drop closed over them.
"No, Obi-Wan! Don't!" Master Windu demanded, as if I could
comply. "Don't you dare go under again!"
I was deliriously hot. Fevered flames licked my face, burning
my skin. I didn't lose consciousness, but with my eyes closed
tight I knew he couldn't tell.
"...an emergency, Master Yoda!" Master Windu growled into the
communications console. "What?"
There was a unusually long silence as the voice on the other
end droned on. "Oh, Force, no."
My skin felt as though it were scorched. Surely I would not
survive this.
"No...no..." Master Windu was saying, as if he did not believe
what he was hearing. "She...fever? ...unresponsive? Could it
be...same...affecting them? ...how?"
She? Who was Master Windu...? The answer hit me like a slap
across the face. Linli!
/NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!/ my mind screamed before I knew
what was happening. /Nooooo!!!! Linli!! Nooooo!!!!/
"...would if I could. Can't...impossible to...negotiations now.
...months...work...for nothing...so close..."
It was the last I heard as everything went dead around me. Once
again I was plunged into darkness.
I could hear voices. I struggled to quiet my mind, to listen to
what was being said.
"Left him alone, you have? See him I must."
"I have been by his side since I spoke with you, Master Yoda,"
Master Windu sounded hurt. "The delegates have been most
tolerant."
"But wait forever they will not," Master Yoda said with
understanding. "Know that well, I do."
"No, they won't," Master Windu agreed. "The peace is still an
uneasy one, and I fear that until the treaty is drawn up and
signed, there is still a chance for an uprising."
Master Yoda was here. Were we back on Coruscant? No...Master
Windu was discussing the treaty. Our mission. Was I dreaming?
I opened my eyes, squinting in the brightness as the world came
into semi-focus around me. I was in the bedroom I'd been
assigned to while we were away. I wasn't dreaming. Master Yoda
was here on Suundaanar.
Slowly, I sat up, the muscles in my back and neck protesting
loudly. Raising a shaky hand, I folded back the covers and
swung my legs carefully over the side of the bed. Already
breathing hard, I grasped the nightstand beside the bed and
pulled myself to my feet.
I swayed, fighting a wave of vertigo, somehow managing to keep
my legs under me. The door to my bedroom was open, but it
seemed despairingly far away. Staggering in the general
direction of the voices, I fell against the door frame,
clutching it with fingers that felt half asleep.
"Can you tell me more about Qui-Gon's daughter?" Master Windu
asked. "When did the symptoms start? How long has she been ill?
Have the healers been able to diagnose anything?"
Master Windu paced back and forth as Yoda leaned on his walking
stick, watching him in obvious exasperation.
"Irritable, she has been, since your departure from Coruscant.
Unsettled in spirit she has been. Only days ago did she
manifest symptoms. High fever, she has. High enough to cause
convulsions, it was. Very sick, she is. Mmm, very sick. And no
cause can the healers find."
Force...it was impossible. Wasn't it? That Linli could be sick
with whatever was affecting me was hard to believe. But I had
spent most of my leave time with Qui-Gon and Linli. It was
possible that if I'd contracted something I had passed it on to
her before I'd left.
Linli...
Suddenly the voices in my head were back, crowding out the
conversation in the next room. I closed my eyes and willed them
to go away, but I couldn't make them stop. As spikes of pain
lanced through my head and exploded behind my eyes, I let go of
the doorway, clutching at my temples. Oh, Force, it hurt!
Moaning, I fell to the carpeting, unable to acknowledge the
masters who came running to my aid. I was too far gone to
respond and I only wanted to be free of whatever it was that
held me in its clutches.
"Padawan, wake up. You have been asleep long enough." I felt a
light tap on my fevered cheek. "Obi-Wan, wake up, please." The
tap turned into a sharp slap when I didn't respond. Of their
own accord, my eyes popped open.
"That's it, Obi-Wan!" Master Windu said, leaning over to soothe
my stinging cheek even as he spoke. "I knew you could do it.
Now stay with us."
A hand on my chest, gauging my heartbeat. A light shone into my
eyes, checking the pupils. A hand on my forehead, seeking
entry, access to my memories and thoughts.
I kicked my legs, thrashed out with my arms, wanting only to
make the invasion into my mind stop. On some level, I knew the
contact wasn't threatening but the pain of it was excruciating.
My mind felt as if it were being turned inside out.
/NOOOOO!! Stay out! My mind, my link, is
with...with...nooooo!!!!!/
"High, his fever is," I heard Master Yoda say. "Delirious he
is. The sign, a fever is, of deeper infection."
"Are you saying Obi-Wan has contracted some sort of disease?"
Master Windu asked, his concern clear.
"Saying that I am not. Infected a mind can become, diseased, if
not given what is necessary to keep it healthy."
Infected? My mind?
I heard the words even as I felt my eyelids grow heavy,
blackness crowding out my vision. The pain in my head was too
much to bear.
There were hands on my shoulders, shaking me awake. "Obi-Wan,
it's very important that you remain awake. Do you feel able to
sit up? Perhaps that would help."
I tried to shake my head no, but the same strong hands and a
blanket of Force lifted me until my back rested against the
pillows and the bed's ornate headboard.
Master Yoda came to stand next to the bed and Master Windu sat
down beside me. Somehow, having my hands held between his
helped me to focus a great deal better.
"Can you answer a few questions for Master Yoda?" Master Windu
asked. "He may be able to help you, but you must first fill in
some missing data for us."
I took a shaky breath and nodded.
"Experienced dreams, have you? Visions?"
I nodded.
"Heard voices in your mind, have you? Voices which were not
Master Windu's?"
I hesitated, then nodded.
"Know, do you, who the voices belonged to?"
No. I would not tell him that. I wasn't even sure. It couldn't
have been true anyway. Dropping my eyes from his gaze, I shook
my head.
"Hmmm..." he said, as though he did not believe me. "Tell me,
can you, when began these visions?"
I could feel Master Windu's eyes upon me. Not even he was aware
of when the dreams had truly begun. I was not even sure I did.
"After our arrival on Suundaanar..." I told him quietly.
"That's when the dreams started..."
"Feel something before the dreams began, did you?" Master Yoda
pursued steadily. "Mental disorientation? A feeling that go on
the mission you should not? An urge to return to the Temple?"
How did he know? How could he know? That was almost exactly how
it had been, from the moment we had boarded the ship to
Holleeah. The minute the transference ceremony had ended. The
transference ceremony...the transference...the...
Slowly, haltingly, I gave a shaky account of what I had seen
and felt since leaving the Coruscant. I told Master Yoda of the
voices that had become so difficult to separate from reality
and of the dreams that had come to me first in the night and
then while I was awake. I described to Master Yoda the torture
of trying to concentrate on the drills and meditations with
Master Windu while the voices in my mind threatened to destroy
every ounce of my sanity.
"I thought...I was going...crazy," I said finally putting a
hand on my chest in an attempt to still my racing heart. Force,
I was winded, breathing in shallow gasps as I finally shared my
secrets. The telling had taken a lot out of me, but the relief
I felt overshadowed it.
"Crazy, you are not," Master Yoda said so dryly that I would
have found it humorous under less serious circumstances. "Know,
do you, who the voices belonged to?" he asked as he had
earlier.
/Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan./
"No!" I said angrily. "I don't know..."
/Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan./
The voice echoed in my head, crashing and pounding like waves
against a break wall.
"It's happening again!" I heard Master Windu shout. "The voices
are speaking to him and he hears only them." My forearms were
gripped and held tightly. "Obi-Wan? Are you still with us?"
"Focus, you must, padawan. Stop it, you cannot, but quiet it
you can."
I could see the two masters, small and far away in my tunneled
vision, but I couldn't obey their wishes.
"Obi-Wan! Stay with us! Can you feel my hand in yours?
Concentrate on that. Squeeze my hand if you can understand what
I saying."
My teeth chattered as waves of hot and cold warred for
dominance in my bones.
/Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan!/
The voice in my mind began to overwhelm anything in the outside
world. I could hear the two masters speaking but I could not
respond, so all-consuming was the powerful chant.
"Sith! We've got to do something! If he goes under again, I'm
not sure he'll ever come out of it."
"Back to the mind healers on Coruscant I must get him," Yoda
said urgently.
Almost immediately, I was Force-wrapped in the blankets from
the bed.
"Know now, I do, what has happened," Master Yoda muttered under
his breath. "Damaged, the bond has been. Damaged greatly, but
not beyond repair if return him quickly to the Temple I can."
"The bond? There is something wrong with our training bond?"
Master Windu asked fearfully, guilt pouring off him.
"With your bond, no," Master Yoda said cryptically. "Another
problem there is. Signature marking, have Padawan Kenobi's
symptoms and reactions. Signature of a much deeper bond.
Mmm...much deeper it is, and damaged badly."
"Deeper...? But...Oh..." Master Windu words were fragmented.
"Unknown to both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan! And with Linli as an
additional element in the equation... Force! In two who are
unaware of its presence...oh, gods..."
"Just call to him as you would to wake him up."
"Padawan...Padawan, wake up."
I came to consciousness with a start, immediately aware of many
things. My head no longer hurt, the voices in my mind had
ceased, and the Force had a familiar signature to it. I was
home.
"Easy, Obi-Wan," the voice beside me said with a delighted
laugh. "It's all right now. Everything is going to be fine."
"Master Windu?" I asked, my brain still clouded with sleep.
"Obi-Wan, open your eyes and look at me," the voice said
gently.
With great effort, I turned my head and opened my eyes.
"Master!" I exclaimed, unable to hide my joy and relief.
"Master! You came! I didn't think you would come." I stopped to
think. "Does the Council know you're here?" I asked, lowering
my voice. "Or did you leave without their permission...again?"
The laugh was back. You came to me, my padawan,"
Qui-Gon said. "Do you know where you are?"
Captivated by his face and his voice, I found I could not
answer.
"You are in the healing chambers on Coruscant," he told me.
"Master Yoda brought you here from Suundaanar. You were very
ill."
Shame at my failure swept through me and I shivered, cold
again.
"Oh, master, I tried! I tried! But it was so difficult and I
felt cold...dead ..."
"Obi-Wan..."
The past months had been something of a blur, but I clearly
remembered my humiliating attempts to be something I simply
could not be: Master Windu's padawan.
"I was not the kind of padawan for Master Windu that you would
have been proud of." I turned my eyes away from him. "I allowed
my thoughts and feelings to get in the way of my duties." My
throat burned as I forced the next words out. "Am I to be taken
away from him, too?"
"No, Obi-Wan, stop." The pain in Qui-Gon's voice and his hand
on my arm effectively silenced me.
Qui-Gon motioned to the healer standing at the foot of the bed,
observing.
"Would it be possible for me to have a few minutes alone with
Padawan Kenobi?" he asked.
The healer nodded in understanding and took his leave of us.
Qui-Gon sat on the side of the bed.
"I'm sorry, Master," I told him.
"Oh, Obi-Wan..." My shoulders were lifted and I was held in a
tight embrace. Gently, Qui-Gon stroked my hair. "It wasn't your
fault. None of it," he said. "Do you know why you had such
dreams...heard voices in your mind?"
I shook my head no. Truthfully, I had no wish to think about it
anymore.
"We still have a bond between us, Obi-Wan. A strong and
stubborn bond which refused to be silenced even after the
Council deemed it necessary."
"But...the transference..." I said in confusion.
Qui-Gon shook his head. "The transference ceremony succeeded in
taking the most basic part of our link and transferring it,
adding it to the small link you already shared with Master
Windu.
"But the link you formed with Master Windu was more of a
secondary link...a bond overlaying the bond you and I shared.
The training bond formed between you and Master Windu masked
the true identity of our bond, making it appear that the
transference had been successful."
"Master, I don't understand," I said, feeling inadequate for
not being able to grasp what he was saying.
"In effect," Qui-Gon explained patiently. "The new training
link allowed you to function as Master Windu's padawan, while
buried deep beneath the surface of the shallow link lay the
impulses you should have felt from the bond we still shared.
When you experienced the dreams and voices, the healers believe
it was a reaction to that bond attempting to reassert itself."
I drew in an unsteady breath. "It sounds so unnatural, like I
was nothing more than a biology experiment!" I told him in
despair. "It was happening to me-to me-and I couldn't
even feel it! It could have killed me and I wouldn't have known
the difference..." The queasiness was back in my stomach and I
could feel the start of a headache blazing behind my eyes.
"Oh, no, padawan, it was never like that. Shhh... There, that's
it," he whispered. A light touch on my face blocked the pain
and the butterflies. A strong hand began to rub my back and I
felt myself relaxing almost enough to fall back to sleep.
"You are so precious to me, my Obi-Wan." The voice came so
quietly to my ears that I almost missed it. The kiss that fell,
feather-light against my temple, I didn't miss.
"Master?" I asked groggily. I was falling into the circular
rhythm, barely able to respond coherently, although I felt a
great need to do so.
"Sleep now," Qui-Gon said soothingly. "I will be here when you
wake and then we will talk about what has happened."
I mumbled something about not wanting to sleep, but then was
aware of nothing else.
As usual, I was aware of the voices around me before I came
completely awake.
"...fever has dissipated. ...sleeping without aid of the Force
now. ...take her home today...resilient little girl..."
Bonding! My skin began to tingle and my nerves sizzled with
electricity. Qui-Gon had said we were still bonded! Would that
it were true! I felt Qui-Gon hurry to my bed before I saw him.
His presence was like beam of light cutting through the
darkness.
"Obi-Wan." His voice was like silk. "How are you feeling?" He
took my face between his hands-and my mind exploded.
Colors...words...feelings...thoughts...ideas...emotions...flashes
of visual memory...
In shock, I blinked rapidly and gasped for breath. I began to
feel lightheaded as my mind was filled with dark blacks and
grays which burst into bright rainbows of color. They burned my
retinas, took away my ability to think, to breathe, to see.
Panting, I clutched blindly at Qui-Gon's robe. I felt as though
I were dying.
"Dying? Oh, Obi-Wan, no!" The cushion of Force that surrounded
me radiated comfort and serenity...and love. The clamoring in
my brain receded slightly, and I took several shaky breaths,
still unable to draw enough air into my lungs.
"Then...what...?" I struggled to ask.
"A soulbond, Obi-Wan."
Any oxygen I'd managed to bring in quickly fled my body. I was
stunned beyond comprehension.
"A..."
"Yes, my Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon answered my unasked question with a
warm smile.
"Master Yoda suspected it on Suundaanar, and the healers here
have confirmed it. We had the beginnings of a soulbond when the
transference ceremony took place, and although its presence
wasn't enough for us to be aware of it, our forced separation
was enough to create a physical tear in your mind." His voice
became hushed. "We almost lost you, Obi-Wan."
"Linli!" I gasped, as I remembered Master Windu's conversation
with Master Yoda. "What happened to her?"
A hand running up and down my arm soothed my shattered nerves.
"She is fine, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon told me. "The healers believe
that her extended contact with you during your visit created a
sympathetic link between the two of you. After you left,
everything you felt and experienced was echoed in Linli. When
you became weakened and ill from the effects of the soulbond's
displacement, Linli became ill as well. That's why the healers
could find no cause for it here or in her. It was not truly in
her. It was a reflection of you. In the same way, the 'voices'
you were hearing in your head were likely fragments of memory
from our training bond."
It was unlike anything I had ever heard. Jedi who formed
soulbonds usually did so knowingly or made a mutual decision
and allowed the Force to act upon it. If Qui-Gon and I had that
kind of a bond, the Force had guided its creation...and that
made it powerful, indeed.
"Yes, Obi-Wan, you see now," Qui-Gon said. "Not even the
Council can deny a soulbond."
"Their decision...will be reversed?" I asked, not daring to
hope.
"Their decision is a moot point, now," Qui-Gon answered, with
just a hint of bitterness. "There is enough evidence to prove
that the soulbond was present even as the Council was ordering
our separation.
"Even Master Yoda has agreed that your violent reaction to the
transference should have been cause for the Council to examine
our connection more closely. There have only been a handful of
cases where a soulbond has developed without the bonded couple
knowing, but transference ceremonies are usually quick and
uneventful. The fact that you experienced any sort of pain
during our separation should have been enough to make someone
on the Council look harder at what was happening.
"I regret that I did not force the Council to examine
the situation in more depth. I believe I will always feel
guilty for that. But Master Yoda and the healers have said that
although I did not react as harshly as you to the stress placed
upon the soulbond, I was affected."
He paused, as if gathering his thoughts.
"If it had been only the two of us, Obi-Wan, the healers
believe the effects of the threatened soulbond would have been
much more obvious. But Linli's presence changed things. Caught
as she was between the bond we shared, she took much more of
the impact than I. And I had her to concentrate on, to care
for, to heal. I had a physical presence to help me, and you
had..."
Qui-Gon choked back the last word, but I knew what he'd meant
to say. I looked up into his face, seeing such despair there
that it crushed the breath from my lungs. Finding his hand, I
squeezed it in silent support.
Finally he went on. "Linli absorbed much of what I should have
been feeling, unknowingly reflecting it back to you along the
connection you'd formed with her. I felt her pain and her
confusion, nursed her through the fever and the convulsions,
but I was never ill as you were. In essence, you experienced
enough for both of us. And for that I am truly sorry."
I was dazed. It explained so much. My confusion, the voices,
the dreams. The dreams. My face flushed at the thought. Would I
ever be brave enough to tell Qui-Gon what the dreams had truly
been about? Perhaps, one day, I would.
"Obi-Wan? Are you feeling all right?" His voice was concerned
as he laid the back of his hand against my forehead.
"Y-yes. It's just so...so much to think about," I answered. For
the most part, it was true.
"I understand," Qui-Gon said. "It is for me as well."
"Master Windu?" I asked, wondering how I could have forgotten
about him. "What is to happen to him now?"
Qui-Gon ran a hand through my hair. "He has been notified by
the Council of the healers' findings and he will have any
remnants of the training link removed when he arrives back on
Coruscant. There should be no residual damage to him in regards
to the bond between you...as there never really was a permanent
bond, in the truest sense of the word."
My throat constricted. "But...he thought there was," I said
chokingly. "I thought there was." The revelation would
have hurt him immensely. "Did you speak with him?"
"Yes," he said softly. "I did. At length. He sends his wishes
for a quick recovery, and hopes you will at last find the peace
you were seeking."
"Did he..." I began. "Did he know something was wrong with our
link?"
Qui-Gon held me tightly against his chest. "He suspected that
something was amiss from the onset, but couldn't argue with the
Council's decision at that point. He didn't know about the
soulbond, but he was the one who contacted Master Yoda when
things began to get out of control."
"Is he...mad?" I asked.
"At you, Obi-Wan? No, never! At the Council? Well...let's just
say that when he finishes his work on Suundaanar in the next
couple of months, they are going to have to set aside several
Council sessions to hear all that he has to say on the
subject." I could feel him smiling at the thought.
"I wish I could tell him how sorry I am that he had to go
through all this," I said softly.
"Obi-Wan, Mace and I have been friends since we were padawans.
I will never know just how he feels about what has happened,
but I do know this: throughout the last year and a half, Master
Windu has enjoyed having you as a part of his life. He has also
felt that the Force might have other plans for you. He
believed, unequivocally, that you must go where you were meant
to go. And now that the Force has made that decision, Master
Windu will accept it even though it may hurt him to do so."
I remained quiet for a long time, thinking back to the time
before the Council's decision. Back to the time before Qui-Gon
had returned from Azali. Master Windu had never taken over
Qui-Gon's place in my life. He'd made certain I knew that. He
had always maintained that he was simply doing my master's job
until he could return and do it himself. Perhaps, even then, he
had known my life was meant to be spent with Qui-Gon.
"Do you feel up to going back to our quarters?" Qui-Gon asked,
leaving the discussion for a later time. "The healers have
given me permission to take Linli home this afternoon, and I'm
sure I could convince them to allow you to leave as well, if
you feel well enough."
"To our quarters?" I asked in disbelief. When I'd left
with Master Windu, 'our' quarters had no longer existed. And my
room was now Linli's. "But..."
"Sleeping arrangements not withstanding, of course," Qui-Gon
said, following my train of thought. "I suppose we could
request a cot and set it up in the corridor..." he teased. "Or
we could gather some blankets and you could sleep on the floor
in Linli's room. I'm sure she wouldn't mind."
I turned red again, somehow knowing where I would be sleeping
from now on. Our new situation was as awkward as it was
wonderful.
"Shall we go find Linli and return to our quarters?" Qui-Gon
asked, getting to his feet.
"Yes, Master," I told him. "I would like that very much."
Epilogue:
As the last master and padawan left our quarters, I slid my arm
around Qui-Gon's waist and sighed as he placed his lips against
mine. Linli's first birthday party had been a success, but it
had been a long day and I was more than ready for some time
alone with my soulmate.
Something rolling over my foot drew my attention to the floor.
Smiling brightly, Linli stood behind a small purple podracer on
wheels, pushing it along.
"Sweetie," I said, bending down to talk to her. "We've been
through this. It has peddles. For your feet. You're supposed to
ride in it...not push it." I got a wide-eyed stare and a
heart-melting smile for an answer.
"She's still a bit young for it, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said with
his own smile. "She'll catch on. She always does."
I watched Linli walk the toy across the room until it bumped
into the wall. The impact knocked her to the floor, but she was
quickly back on her feet and pushing the racer again.
"She's your daughter all right," I said, lacing my fingers with
Qui-Gon's as we watched. "Always a podracer owner...and never a
pod racer."
"Hey, now," Qui-Gon said in Linli's defense, accepting the
remark with the humor with which it was intended. "Maybe she
doesn't want to be a pod racer. Perhaps she is the pod
mechanic, merely pushing the car out onto the racing field
after having repaired it. Did that ever occur to you?"
I laughed so loudly then that I scared Linli and she fell to
the carpet again. "Just don't tell Master Yoda that," I said,
still chuckling. "I don't think her being under the pod
is exactly what he had in mind when he gave Linli the gift."
"We can take her to Council chambers when she's learned to ride
it," Qui-Gon suggested. "Master Yoda would love to have the
distraction while he's dealing with some all-important Council
decision."
Abandoning the podracer for a stuffed bear, Linli crawled over
to sit at our feet.
"So many new toys, you don't know which to play with first, do
you?" I asked, picking her up and kissing her on the cheek. As
usual, my padawan braid caught her eye and she dropped the
bear, grabbing for the piece of hair.
"Oh no you don't," I told her with a smile. "Toys, remember?
Lots of toys. So many to play with that you won't have time to
pull my hair anymore, right?"
"I'm sure she loves all of her new things, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon
said. "But she's always played with that braid. It's captivated
her since she first laid eyes on you."
"Yes," I agreed, removing the braid from Linli's grasp once
again. "But she used to do it out of reflex; it caught her
attention and she reached for it. Now, I think she does it
simply to annoy me."
"It is quite possible," Qui-Gon said with a laugh. "If she is
half the Force-imp the stories I hear from the creche paint her
to be, I wouldn't put it past her." He took Linli from my arms,
holding her high above his head. She kicked her bare feet and
waved her arms in delight. "Right now, though," Qui-Gon
announced. "It's time for the birthday girl to go to bed.
Tomorrow will be soon enough to explore all of the gifts, right
princess?"
Linli smiled and reached for his hair, which was combed
out and flowing down his back and shoulders.
"Force! You are a tease, aren't you?" he said. Placing
his hands beneath her belly, he flew her into the bedroom like
a spacecraft, Linli giggling all the way.
Lying in bed, waiting for Qui-Gon to finish his bedtime rituals
with Linli, I found my thoughts turning to the time when our
lives had not been this happy. The time when I had thought
myself insane.
The voices in my mind had been bad enough, but the visions that
had haunted my dreams had nearly sent me over the edge. How
could I tell the truth? To have dreams of kissing one's master,
of falling asleep in his arms, of sharing a bed with him for
more than sleeping was a horrible breech of the Jedi code,
wasn't it? But the dreams had not gone away.
Only after I learned about the soulbond had it started to make
sense. A soulbond, Qui-Gon had gently explained, was a
Force-blessed attachment, formed between two people who
connected as one mind on a physical, mental, and spiritual
level. An intimate relationship was only the soulbond's logical
conclusion.
After my recovery from the bond's near-breaking, I had craved
Qui-Gon's touch. I'd needed to be close to him, to see him and
to know that he was safe. Waking in the middle of the night, I
had often turned to watch Qui-Gon as he slept, so great was the
urge to just be with him.
It was all a reaction to the bond, the Council had said, and
the effects would dissipate as the soulbond strengthened. But
it had taken weeks of meditation and counseling sessions with
the other Jedi masters before the needs of the bond no longer
controlled me. And now, six months later, I still craved his
touch.
"I was hoping you were still awake," Qui-Gon said softly as
slipped out of his robes and slid into bed beside me. I rolled
into his embrace, placing a soft kiss against his mouth. "Even
after all of the excitement today, Linli was ready to go
another round. It took me three stories and a lengthy backrub
to convince her it was time to sleep."
I smiled into Qui-Gon's shoulder. Sometimes I loved him so much
it hurt.
"You're quiet tonight," Qui-Gon said. "Is something bothering
you? Memories of the past?"
I shook my head. "I was just thinking about how lucky I am," I
told him. "And how scared I was before I knew about the
soulbond." I shivered. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
Qui-Gon held me tighter. "Well, I do know," he said
quietly. "I saw the results of it with my own eyes, and I never
want to go through that again. I have you back with me now, as
padawan and lifemate, and I'm not going to lose you."
I tipped my head up to kiss him again. "I love you," I said as
I broke away to breathe. "Forever."
"And I love you," he answered. "Always. Now, have you relaxed
enough to go to sleep, or shall I give you a backrub, too?"
"When I'm in your arms, I am always relaxed," I said, a yawn
punctuating my statement. "But I'll take the backrub anyway."
As his hands began to move along my spine, I sighed in
contentment and began to drift to sleep. This was where I was
meant to be-at the hands of this man...in the arms of this
man...in the heart of this man. The Force had deemed it so.
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