Master
Apprentice  Archive
A Peculiar Shade of Blue
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DISCLAIMERS: George owns 'em, wesa just playin, makin no moolah. Additional nods to Charles Dickens and Noel Coward.
ARCHIVE: M_A, all others welcome, just ask
CATEGORY: Sarcastic humour, slightly AU
RATING: R for language, references to illegal substance use and attempted suicide
WARNINGS: possible spew factor
SPOILERS: none for much of anything
PAIRING: Q/O
FEEDBACK: Alway beloved nourishment
SUMMARY: Post-TPM, Obi-Wan bemoans his life. My sincere thanks to a certain Academy for it's wonderful and skewed characterisations, particularly of Qui-Gon. I, on the other hand, apologise profusely for this---it wasn't my fault, it just happened. Obi-Wan nagged me unmercifully until I wrote it down. Blame him.
Obi-Wan Kenobi woke with a start from yet another vivid pornographic dream. He opened one eye experimentally and bolted backwards with a shout, hitting his head hard against the wall. The hovering blue apparition of his deceased Master was inches from his face.
"Don't DO that!!" he gasped, wondering if the pounding throb of his heartbeat indicated an incipient coronary.
"Gotcha again!" The shimmering spirit managed to project a truly annoying, self-satisfied smirk.
"You know, one of these days I'll croak off from a stroke. At least then I could wake up naturally. Remember that? Nice, easy alarm clocks. Not scary old blue fuckers pressed up against my eyelashes."
"You love it." Qui-Gon floated over the the chair in the corner and sat down. Next to it. On thin air.
Obi-Wan sneered and shook his head. "Whaddaya think you are? Marley's bleedin' ghost?"
"You're just jealous I don't need the charming Ikea furnishings."
"No, I'm just horny. Do you realize I haven't gotten laid in ten years? Why? Because you keep driving me crazy every time I have a date."
"You don't need a date. Besides, you have the worst taste in men."
"Yeah, well, no one in their right mind will go out with me. Every time I think it's goin' well, you show up and start an arguement. The poor shite thinks I'm bleedin' off my nut and bails. End of date. Every date!"
"You have me."
Obi-Wan swung his legs out of bed with a sigh. "Oh yeah, some help that is!! Lucky me, I'm lifebonded to Mr. Bloody Blithe Spirit. Just once I'd like some kind of sexual satisfaction that doesn't involve my hand and you cheerleading!!"
"I can't help it if I can't touch things anymore."
"You used to be able to use the bloody Force. What happened to that!!?"
Qui-Gon cocked his head to one side like a spaniel with an earache.
"I never thought of that!"
Obi-Wan flipped him the bird and made his weary way to the 'fresher. He was brushing his teeth when Qui-Gon appeared beside him, sitting on the john.
"Shite!!" Obi-Wan spit toothpaste all over the mirror. "Dammit, can't I get any privacy around here!?"
"Really, Obi-Wan!! You get so cranky in the morning. You never used to be like that!" Qui-Gon observed with an aggrieved air.
"Don't you go getting all sulky on me, you transparent pain in my ass!!
You're the one who got yourself skewered into Jedi shish-kabob!"
"Oh and whose fault was that? Who was the one who could run just fine at Force-speed early in the damned movie, but couldn't move his lazy butt in that generator core."
"Don't start this again!"
Qui-Gon followed Obi-Wan down the hall back into the bedroom, pausing to admire the lava lamp still burbling on the bedside table.
Obi-Wan was dragging his clothes on, cursing under his breath.
"I heard that! You know, Padawan, you really have a foul mouth."
"Yes, I do. You would too. And I haven't been your Padawan for ten years!" Obi-Wan scowled as he struggled with the straps of his boots.
"I always liked you in those."
"Oh, shut up!! My balls feel like their hanging to me ankles and all you do is tease me. This is all your fault!! Could you have tried to wait for me? Nooooo, you had to bolt forward like Captain Bloody Fantastic with a plasma beam up his arse end and try to take on the Sith all by your little lonesome. Nice job!! If I'd known then what I know now, I would've run you through myself."
"Oh sure, easy for you to say, Slow-poke Rodriguez!!"
"Worse, you were gasping out your sorry last and do I get 'I love you, Obi', 'You were the love of my life, Obi', 'You were the best lay in the quandrant, Obi.' ? Ohhhh nooooo!! I get 'Train the boy.' Train him for what, Qui-Gon? A bloody doorstop!?"
"I take it Anakin hasn't made the Perfect Padawan you were, Padawan?"
Just then a plaintive voice called from the other bedroom. "Master Kenobi? Are you all right. Stay there, I'm coming to help."
Obi-Wan went pale. "No. Anakin!! NO!!!! Stay in your room!! Please!"
Footsteps echoed lightly in the hallway.
"Master? Master, where am I? What magical place is this?"
Obi-Wan glared at Qui-Gon and shook his head. "He's too stupid to live!! He gets lost on his way to the 'fresher!"
He raised his head and yelled. "Don't touch the walls they've just been--"
"MASTER!!! The walls are melting!!"
"painted." Obi-Wan buried his face in his hands.
"Why me? What was I thinking when I decided that I just had to be a Jedi? I should've stayed with Agricorps. Although you would've probably looked me up for some ultra-high strain of pot, you aging hippy freak."
Anakin's voice was panicky. "Master, I hear you but it's so dark here."
"Open your eyes."
"Oh....wow, this place is wizard!"
"It's the hall, you idiot!"
Obi-Wan strode purposely out of his room, grabbed Anakin by his braid and dragged him back into his own room.
"Master!! Do I know this place?"
"Anakin, " Obi-Wan hissed through gritted teeth. "Try to remember. It's your room."
"My very own room!! Oh, thank you Master!!" The gangling nineteen-year-old subjected his Master to a sloppy kiss on the top of his head. "I'm really glad it's my room. All my stuff is here!"
Obi-Wan went back to his own room, removed his belt and fashioned a noose from it. He stood on the bed attempting to loop the free end to the light fixture.
"Don't do that, Obi-Wan. You'll pull the black lights down."
"I can't stand it!!! Either he's gonna kill me from sheer stupidity or you're gonna send me to the psych-ward. I might as well be dead."
"Don't be so melodramatic, young Padawan."
Obi-Wan flopped onto the bed. "Listen to me, you blue butthead!! You stuck me with him. Balance to the Force, my ass!! Did the Force need to be dumbed-down, Master?"
Qui-Gon shrugged as he attempted to pick up the bong collecting dust on the bureau. His hand, of course, passed right through it.
"Damn!! I wish you'd try smoking some of that. I wouldn't mind the contact high."
"ARRRRRRGH!!!"
Obi-Wan fled into the 'fresher and attempted to drown himself by sticking his head in the toilet and flushing repeatedly. He sputtered angrily as he was pulled up by the collar.
"Yippee, Master!!! I saved you!! Wow, this place is kind of creepy."
Obi-Wan started banging his head on the floor.
Waves of panic radiated from the spindly Padawan, who had just shut himself in the linen closet. "Master, I'm lost. Help me, please. Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!"
Obi-Wan groaned and headed into the kitchen. He turned on the gas stove, opened the door and stuck his head inside of it.
"Really, Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon hovered next to him. "What kind of an example is this for the boy?"
"!(*)&)@()#$!($ THE BOY!!!"
Qui-Gon sighed. "That might have been nice!"
Obi-Wan breathed in a huge lungful of gas and held his breath.
"Master, I'll save you again!!!" Anakin flew forward into the gas-filled kitchen, igniting his lightsabre.
"NOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Obi-Wan glared from Qui-Gon to Anakin. "Oh, great!!! Now I'm stuck with you two forever. " Together the three shimmering blue forms floated out over the smoking ruins of Qbi-Wan and Anakin's quarters.
Anakin waved his hands around, creating eddies in the Force. "Whhheeeeee!!! Lookat what I can do!"
Qui-Gon simply shrugged his shoulders as Obi-Wan scowled.
"Trust the Force!! Yeah, sure!!! Does either of you know if that Exorcist guy has a local number?"
FIN